John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 23, 2018 Edition

Rosenstein Blasts Times' "Smear"

This week, a New York Times story about a scheme in which Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein would wear a "wire" to secretly record President Trump and recruit cabinet members to activate Trump's removal from office under the provisions of the 25th Amendment was blasted as "inaccurate" and "factually incorrect" by Rosenstein.

"It is shameful that a respected newspaper would rely on anonymous sources to defame me," Rosenstein complained. "After all I have done to help the Times over the years acquire difficult to obtain information on sensitive topics from internal government archives, I can only regard this as a betrayal. They're treating me like I am the enemy. I thought we were on the same side in the battle to save the country."

Adam Goldman, co-author of the Times article with Michael S. Schmidt, acknowledged that "while a couple of our sources asked to remain anonymous their account was backed up by memos purportedly written by former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe that were forwarded to us by a person from the Mueller investigation who also wishes to remain anonymous. So, I'd have to say that our story is as firmly founded as any Times story."

Rosenstein rejected what he labeled "a poor excuse for shoddy journalism" and asked that "we apply a little logic to this situation. First, based on my prior friendly cooperation the Times reporters should have checked with me before going on the attack. Second, the idea that I would participate in a cumbersome 25th Amendment process in order to rid the country of Trump is absurd. Third, let me point out that McCabe is currently under criminal investigation. Surely, that ought to raise a red flag as to his credibility."

"Remember, it was me who appointed Mueller as Special Prosecutor," Rosenstein added. "Given Mueller's history of going above-and-beyond normal procedures to ensure the convictions of his targets why would I want to mess that up with a lame 25th Amendment gambit? Besides, with the contacts I have in the intelligence community I could easily find a person with the capability to permanently remove Trump from office if the Mueller effort were to fail. I think any reasonable person would have to side with me on this issue."

Rosenstein's denials were given short shrift by Fox News anchor Chris Wallace who judged Rosenstein's protest to be "weak and lawyerly. I'd call it the kind of 'non-denial denial' that leaves room for later revisions if the real truth ever comes out."

Dems Claim GOP Request for Evidence from Accuser "Unfair"

Christine Blasey Ford, the college professor who has accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of groping her at a drunken party in somebody's house near a park sometime in the early 1980s when both were high school students, has been resisting Republican requests for her to testify at the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) insists that "the Republican demand that it is the accuser's responsibility to tell her story to them is an attempt to silence her. Christine has already done her part to put the ball in play with her accusation. It is now Kavanaugh's job to prove that she shouldn't be believed. Can he account for his whereabouts for all of his high school years and show that her story can't be true? If not, then shouldn't her account be the one we go with since he can't disprove it?"

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif), concurred with her colleague, saying that "Dr. Blasey has fulfilled her obligation by leveling the charge in the letter I received last July. She showed great courage in making her originally anonymous allegation. Now it's up to the FBI to investigate to see whether it is true."

Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) denounced Republican demands for evidence as "the same old suppression of women by white men that has stained America since its first days. I just want to say to the men in this country: Just shut up and step up. Do the right thing for a change and let us women rule for awhile."

The procedure demanded by these Democrats is the exact opposite of what has been normal for this nation's history. The first step in an allegation of a crime is the filing of a complaint by the claimed victim. The sooner this is done, the better. The complaint serves as the starting point for an investigation in which witnesses are interviewed and forensic evidence (such as torn clothing or traces of bodily fluids) is examined. Dr. Ford never filed a criminal complaint with any law enforcement agency.

In the more than three decades that have passed, any evidence that conceivably might have existed is unavailable. There are no contemporaneous witnesses. There is no forensic evidence. The only "evidence" is an unverifiable allegation made in a letter that Sen. Feinstein refuses to share with her Judiciary Committee colleagues. The Democrats are essentially arguing for a process that more closely resembles the 17th century Salem Witch trials in which the ravings of hysterical teenagers led to the execution of more than a dozen persons accused of witchcraft.

Former Vice-President Joe Biden rejected the analogy because "everyone knows there are no witches, but I know from my own experience that teenage boys grope teenage girls. Even if we can't conclusively prove that Kavanaugh molested the teenage Chrissy Blasey, we do know that he was once a teenage boy. Since he fits the profile of a sexual molester based on this alone we cannot simply look away when the girl finally remembers 30 years later who got 'handsy' with her. So, to be on the safe side we must assume he's guilty unless he can prove otherwise."

Planned Parenthood Defends Using Tax Dollars on Campaign

Planned Parenthood Votes is focusing its political campaign expenditures on two dozen House races in hopes of aiding Democrats to retake the majority and ensure future federal disbursements to the organization. Deirdre Schifeling, executive director, defended the heavily government-subsidized organization's partisan political spending.

"The survival of Planned Parenthood is at stake," Schifeling contended. "Federal funding is the life's blood we depend on to keep going in our mission to ensure that every woman who wants an abortion can get one whether she can afford it or not. But it's not only the funding, we also need friends in Congress who support our efforts to monetize the discarded fetuses. Rather than just have these sacrificed individuals biological matter go to waste our ability to sell this material to willing buyers is a resource that must not be foreclosed to us."

"The prospect that monster like Kavanaugh could be confirmed to a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court makes it imperative that we elect more Democrats," she added. "I mean, here is a man who cruelly abused a teenage girl 35 years ago. Now he is on the verge of tipping the balance on the Supreme Court to overturn the Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion. We need people in office who can be counted on to protect young women from the cruelty of being forced to give birth to unwanted children. A Democratic majority will protect abortion rights by impeaching Trump and Kavanaugh before they can do anymore damage to this vital civil right."

Schifeling challenged the objection that recipients of federal subsidies shouldn't be engaging in political campaigns by pointing out that "defense contractors reinvest a much larger amount of funds into promoting the election of legislators who can be counted on to support bigger subsidies for their companies. If it is okay for companies that produce weapons used to kill people to donate to the election of favored candidates than why wouldn't it be okay for us to do the same?"

In related news, Leana Wen, Planned Parenthood's new president, called abortion "a fundamental human right," but expressed regret that "the 50% of aborted babies that are female will never get to enjoy exercising this right."

New Videos Expose Government Subversion

This week, a new series of Project Veritas undercover videos was released. The videos show federal employees boasting that they are engaging in efforts to overthrow capitalism from within.

In one of the videos, Stuart Karaffa, a Management and Program Analyst with the Bureau of Overseas Buildings Operations within the Department of State, told the Veritas investigative reporter "our goal is to resist everything, to F*ck sh*t up at every level." Karaffa bragged, "I spend most of my workday on Democratic Socialist activity. I compose all my emails during the day, but I carefully wait until after 5:30 pm to send them. That way I can argue that my political activity is done on my own time. Maybe I'll get caught, but it's impossible to fire federal employees."

In another, Natarajan Subramanian, an auditor with the US Government Accountability Office, told the Veritas reporter that "no one knows I spent six hours yesterday doing social media for DSA (Democratic Socialists of America). I break rules every day. At any point I can get fired. Do I care more about having this job, or do I care more about the movement? Obviously, the movement."

In a third video, Department of Justice paralegal Allison Hrabar acknowledged using government owned software and computers to push a socialist agenda. Then, Jessica Schubel, the former Chief of Staff for the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services during the Obama administration admitted that she wasn't the only federal employee using her position to resist the Trump administration's policies. "Sometimes we break the law," she said. "But it's for a worthy cause."

Officials for the affected agencies speaking off-the-record vowed to "look into the matter." All voiced doubts that anything can be done because "it's very hard to oust even the most incompetent or insubordinate employee. The union opposes any corrective action. At best, we might be able to hire additional employees to do the work these people are refusing to do and, in fact, are undermining, but that's a long shot. Basically, we just have to live with this kind of behavior as a natural outcome of a government as large as ours is. It's simply too big to manage in any sensible manner."

In related news, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton predicted that "after this election this president is going to wholesale fire people. We need a Democratically controlled Congress to block his power to get rid of executive branch employees who are bravely undermining him." Her statement rattled Democratic pollster Nate Silver who said "I fear that there may be a sizable contingent of voters for whom the prospect of a wholesale firing of federal bureaucrats would be a good reason to vote for Republicans."

Gov't Orders Opposition Leader to Undergo Psych Examination

The French government has ordered Marine Le Pen, leader of the right wing National Front Party to undergo a psychiatric examination "to determine whether she must be confined to a mental institution for her own well-being." The proximate inspiration for this coercive order is Le Pen's opposition to the continued importation of Islamic fanatics into France.

"This drastic move was made necessary by the earlier failure of massive fines imposed after Le Pen posted photos of ISIS terrorists massacring unbelievers on the Internet," Macron explained. "In France we respect the rights of individuals to freely practice their religion. The tenets of Islam do not merely grant Muslims the right to kill unbelievers, it mandates it as an obligation to demonstrate ones commitment to the faith. Granted, it could be argued that this obligation conflicts with every French citizen's right to life. It is the delicate job of the Government to try to balance these conflicting rights. Our efforts are impeded by interference of Ms. Le Pen's nonconforming attitudes."

"Let me emphasize that we are not meting out a punishment, but are seeking a cure," French President Emmanuel Macron said. "It is the obligation of the state to see that every person is properly cared for. Idiosyncratic objections must not be permitted to divert us from this humane course of action."

Gore Says Trump Should Be Terminated for Ethical Reasons

Former Vice-President Al Gore advanced the notion that "Trump's Presidency should be terminated early for ethical reasons. Science has shown that climate change is the biggest threat the planet has ever seen. Not only do we see Trump denying this threat. His policies are exacerbating the threat."

"The big economic boom that Trump is so proud of is a planetary disaster," the former Veep contended. "More people working and more consumerism are accelerating the march to global catastrophe. After the eight years of hard work by the Obama Administration to throttle expectations it is disheartening to see that undone. The idea that everyone can prosper is unsustainable. People must get used to lower standards of living—smaller cars, smaller homes, less travel—if we hope to conserve enough resources for our leaders to continue the battle to save the planet."

Gore vowed to "spare no effort and no expense in my mission to bring the message of simple living to every corner of the globe. I will speak to anyone who can pay my lecture fee. I will sell my books to anyone who can afford to buy them. No sacrifice is too great for me to make in this great quest I've undertaken in the twilight of my long and distinguished lifetime of service to the common good."

In related news, Governor Jerry Brown (D-Calif) called Trump "a saboteur in the fight against climate change" and wished for "something to happen to this guy. I think Maxine's suggestion that we knock off Trump is fundamentally on target. And our prisons are loaded with guys that could do the job. I'd pardon them tomorrow if I thought they could be trusted to get it done."

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