IPFS Menckens Ghost

More About: Native American

Proof Found of Elizabeth Warren's Heritage

Elizabeth Warren announced yesterday that she shares 98% of her genes with chimpanzees.

President Trump immediately announced that he'd give a million bucks to the National Zoo if she could verify this with a genetic test.

Harvard University followed with an announcement that in keeping with its legacy admission policy of admitting the offspring of graduates who were chimps—as the school of undeserved renown did with the offspring of Ted Kennedy—any of Warren's grandchildren would get preference over Asians who have higher SAT scores and better accomplishments.

Yale University, not to be outdone, said it would do the same and listed all of the legacy chimps who have graduated from the school and gone into the highest levels of the U.S. government, where they speeded the nation's decline with horrible policies, such as legacy chimp George W. Bush's invasion of Iraq.

Georgetown University responded that the chimps from the other universities can't match the testosterone and horniness of its alpha male, Bill Clinton.  When reminded that John Kerry is a graduate, the university said that not every chimp can be an alpha male but that Georgetown graduate and former secretary of state Madeleine Albright comes close.

Renown geneticists from around the nation quickly confirmed that Warren indeed shares 98% of her genes with chimpanzees.  They added that they know this because all humans share 98% of their genes with chimps.

Political scientists said this explains the identity politics of chimps voting for chimps, as evidenced by Americans voting for such chimps as Warren, Hillary, Bush, and Trump.