John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 21, 2018 Edition

Hillary Mulling Another Run for Office

Former Clinton aide Philippe Reines says the twice unsuccessful presidential candidate is "seriously considering running against Trump in 2020. On the one hand, she's really disappointed in how voters treated her in 2016. They had their chance to elect the smartest woman in America to be their president, but they blew it. On the other hand, her great love for the country may drive her to once again sacrifice her own personal comfort in one more battle to save the nation from the ravages of the Trump Administration and the Republican Party."

"She concerned about the Trump agenda of fostering rapid economic growth and opening up more job opportunities—a record 7.14 million at last count—this is more than there are applicants available to fill them," Reines observed. "This is a cleverly designed scheme to destroy a major Democratic constituency by driving them into the workforce against their will. The prospect of exterminating a way of life that has sustained generations of Democratic voters has led to increasingly violent objections. Rather than see the nation continue to be torn apart by this violence, Hillary feels it may be her patriotic duty to give voters another chance to correct their previous mistakes of not electing her when they had the opportunity in 2008 and 2016."

"Look at the whole issue of recent mob violence," Reines suggested. "We didn't see this kind of thing when Obama was president. Sure, there were some TEA Party protests, but they were ineffectually peaceful. Putting Democrats back in power could reestablish that more pacific relationship between those in and out of power. I think what Hillary is trying to communicate to voters is that we all can have more peace and civility under Democratic rule where the opponents of government policy restrict themselves to legal methods of trying to sway policymakers. Many of the more intellectually aware Republicans recognize this and would willingly trade the chaos spawned by opposition to Trump's policies for a return to the old ways of across-the-aisle cooperation exemplified by the late Sen. McCain."

Reines pointed out that "a comeback isn't as ridiculous as many assume. Hillary is younger than Trump and Joe Biden—two of her likely opponents in 2020—and would have the edge in appealing to younger voters who might like to support someone closer to their own age. I think her message that the nation won't have civility until Democrats are back in charge in Washington is perfectly in tune with the current mood of the people. Other Democrats like Rep Waters and former Attorney General Holder have grasped the essence of this message, but neither has the eloquence or gravitas that Hillary brings to the table."

Clinton's call for Democrats to be uncivil received words of support from her former running mate Sen. Tim Kaine (Virginia) who called for Democrats "to fight in the streets. When we are in the minority in Congress and a Republican is president there are no constitutional means for advancing our cause other than the First Amendment right to assemble and make our grievances known by, as Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer urged, 'any means necessary.'"

In a related statement about Democratic Party values, the Allegheny County Democrat Party in Pennsylvania fired recently hired Executive Director Mark Salvas for "making statements that don't reflect the Party's values or the message it is trying to convey to voters." Salvas' offensive statement: "I stand for the flag, I kneel for the cross."

Breaks Start to Go Beto's Way in Texas Senate Race

This week Democratic candidate for the Texas US Senate Beto O'Rourke got a major boost when former Mexican President Vicente Fox endorsed him over his GOP rival Sen. Ted Cruz. Fox pleaded with Texas voters to back O'Rourke, saying "it's the only way to ensure that the f*cking wall is never built. The path must remain open for Mexicans to enter Texas and reverse the land-grab perpetrated in 1836."

Meanwhile, the Hollywood glitterati is all atwitter over the aspiring would-be senator. Danny Deraney, a Hollywood publicist, said "I haven't seen such excitement about a candidate since Obama was running. Despite the fact that he is white, Beto has the same kind of boyish Irish charm that the Kennedys had. LeBron James, Ellen DeGeneres, Tony Dungy and Stephen King are just a few of megastars that have endorsed him. Steve Kerr, the coach of the NBA's Golden State Warriors has gone even further and suggested a Beto O'Rourke-Gregg Popovich (coach of the NBA's San Antonio Spurs) Democratic ticket for the 2020 presidential election. If Beto was running in California he'd be a shoo-in. It may be tougher in Texas, but the voters there would be fools to not want this cutie pie as their senator."

O'Rourke was also buoyed by polls showing him way ahead with millennial voters. An informal canvas of O'Rourke supporters at Texas A&M found no one who could name any accomplishment or substantive basis for electing him. One respondent insisted this, by itself, was the best reason for sending him to the senate, insisting that "the lack of accomplishments leaves more room for an upside. He's like a 'blank slate' who can be whoever we want him to be."

In a bid to solidify the millennial vote, O'Rourke argued that "sending me to the Senate would make impeaching Trump more efficient. I will still be in the House of Representatives from November to early January where I could vote on Articles of Impeachment. After that I would be in the Senate where I could vote to convict. This gives Texas voters two shots at ousting the usurper for the price of one vote. No other candidate offers a comparable payoff to his voters."

A potential "ace-in-the-hole" for the O'Rourke campaign may be the voter registration cards the Democratic Party has been sending to illegal immigrants with a pre-printed "yes" in the citizenship box and a return postage-paid envelope addressed to state election officials. On top of this, his campaign has raised $60 million—three times the size of previous winning campaign war chests.

Senator Touts DNA Proof of Cherokee Heritage

This week, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made a big show of unveiling results of a DNA test she asserted "proves my Cherokee heritage" and demanded "an apology and a million dollars" from President Trump, who had previously offered the sum for proof of the Senator's Indian heritage.

Observers from various segments of the political spectrum were not as impressed as Warren had anticipated. The test was conducted by a personal friend, not an independent lab. No Cherokee DNA was involved in the test, samples from Mexico and Peru were used instead. The results indicated that the range of possible relationship between Warren and Mexicans and/or Peruvians was between 1.5% on the high side to 0.1% (one-tenth of a percent) on the low side. Inasmuch as the average American of European descent has about 0.2% DNA traced to pre-Columbus inhabitants of the Americas, Warren's claim to be a Cherokee is not well-supported by the evidence.

Cherokee Nation Secretary of State Chuck Hoskin Jr. called Warren's test "useless as a method of proving cultural affiliation with the Cherokees or any other tribe in North or South America. Senator Warren has not lived as a Cherokee for any part of her life. Instead, she has used a bogus claim of affinity to dishonestly advance her academic and political careers. This disrespects genuine members of our tribe."

MSNBC Political Analyst Zerlina Maxwell characterized the Cherokee response as "racist. The idea that you have to be a Cherokee in order to claim to be a Cherokee is closed-minded. It's the same kind of thinking that says if you're born male you can't legitimately claim to be female or vice versa. That's just wrong. Every person must be free to declare themselves to be whoever they want to be. Everyone else should be required to take that person's word for it. That Sen. Warren was hounded into a desperate attempt to corroborate her claim is a massive step backward from the new way of thinking that President Obama tried to impose on the country."

US CO2 Emissions Plummet

U.S. greenhouse gas emissions fell 2.7% during the first year of the Trump Administration. At the same time, global greenhouse emissions rose. In the European Union these emissions rose by 1.5%. In France they rose by 2%. Emissions in China and India are also believed to have risen by even larger amounts, but these countries are exempt under the Paris Accord and do not have to keep statistics on air quality.

Rather than appreciating America's progress, environmental interest groups have been critical. Sierra Club executive director Michael Brune refused to credit the Trump Administration for any of the US emission reductions "because not only has Mr. Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Accord, he openly voices his skepticism on global warming. Regardless of the 'on-the-ground' positive results, clearly his head is not in the right place. That is why we're telling everyone to vote Democrat in the upcoming elections. We simply must get right-thinking people into positions of power if we hope to reverse the economic growth that is destroying the planet. Only when the vast majority of humanity is forced to lead a simpler lifestyle free from modern conveniences and long lives can we succeed in removing the human virus infects nature."

EPA acting Administrator Andrew Wheeler, in contrast, lauded the emissions progress made last year. "The main point of improving the environment is to make the Earth a better place for humans and other life forms," Wheeler argued. "Rational approaches that can generate cleaner air and more prosperity are the kind of win-win situations that will enjoy a broad base of support from the American people. The evidence shows that so far, we are on the right track."

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