John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 11, 2019 Edition

Castro Defends Doxxing Trump Supporters

This week, Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-Tex), campaign manager for presidential candidate former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julian Castro, tweeted the names and places of employment for 44 San Antonio citizens who donated to President Trump's campaign. The easily foreseeable consequence that these people would be harassed and threatened by left-wing loons quickly came to pass. Nevertheless, Castro lamely claimed that "it was not my intention to harass anyone. I just wanted everyone to think twice before they give any support to our racist President."

Apprised of the harassment incidents—one woman received an obscenity-laced voice mail labeling her a "scumbag racist who should f*** yourself," a business owner received 25 phone calls calling him a "racist" who should "burn in Hell"—Rep. Castro shrugged it off saying that "actions have consequences. If you donate to a white supremacist you should expect every decent person to hate you."

It turns out that six of the doxxed Trump donors also donated to either to Rep. Castro's congressional campaign and/or Sec. Castro's presidential campaign. Rep. Castro brushed this aside, characterizing it as "a timely warning of traitors within the ranks of the democratic socialist movement. People need to understand that they are either with us or against us. They can't hope to save their necks by straddling the gap between good and evil for a few thousand dollars in donations. When my brother becomes president we will purge society of all nonbelievers so we can unify the country in our march toward social justice for all."

Biden Campaign Picks Up Steam

At an Iowa Democratic presidential campaign event, former Vice-President Joe Biden electrified an enthusiastic crowd of supporters by assuring them that "poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids. They may not pay attention in school or get good grades, but many in our urban areas have shown entrepreneurial promise by establishing thriving small drug distribution businesses that have overcome the daunting opposition of the police and the law. This, not diplomas on the wall, is the kind of action that makes America great."

Biden also tried to bolster confidence in Democratic electoral success by emphasizing that "we choose truth over facts. Republicans are fond of boasting about economic statistics showing rising wages and lower unemployment, but they overlook the toll that effort takes on a person's psyche. Democrats know that the true path to happiness comes from reducing stress. Our plan to have the government play the leading role in the redistribution of wealth will reduce stress by guaranteeing a decent standard of living to everyone. Those who want to work will be permitted to continue working. Those who don't will be free to enjoy the leisure previously restricted to the wealthy. This truth will triumph over the out-dated facts the GOP uses to oppress the middle class."

Twitter Freezes/Unfreezes McConnell Account

This week, a menacing crowd assembled outside Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's home in an explicit effort to disrupt his convalescence after a fall broke his shoulder. Their activities included round-the-clock shouting of obscenities, demanding that "someone should stab him in the heart," and chanting "murder Turtle"—a nickname political opponents have given the Senator.

In an attempt to document this harassment, a video of the crowd's behavior was posted on McConnell's Twitter account. Twitter froze McConnell's account and demanded that the video be removed. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey explained that "the foul language in the video violates our standards." McConnell's reply pointing out that the foul language emanated from his harassers failed to sway Dorsey.

Dorsey called McConnell's action "an invasion of privacy and an attempt to chill freedom of speech. The people outside his house were standing on a public street. The Supreme Court has ruled that foul language is protected speech. The demonstrators didn't agree to be videoed. Clearly, the Senator is in the wrong here. We had every right to ban his video."

It was only after Republicans vowed to stop buying ads on Twitter that the firm reversed its action and unfroze McConnell's account. "Sometimes being right isn't enough," Dorsey complained. "The financial extortion being applied by these enemies of democracy has forced us to yield to injustice. Some will say that a business as big as ours could easily get by without their ad revenues. However, if you want to be a billion-dollar corporation you've got to grab every dollar you can. As long as we're forced to operate under capitalism that's how we have to compete. Hopefully, a Democratic win in the 2020 election will usher in a different economic system."

CNN Talking Head Calls for Trump Supporters to Be Eradicated

CNN's Reza Aslan called "Trump's supporters—ALL OF THEM—white nationalist terror supporters" who "must be eradicated from society." Aslan insisted he wasn't advocating violence: "I'm not necessarily saying they should be murdered in death camps as some have suggested. I think we go the re-education route that has been successfully employed by China. If we seize their wealth that would clip their wings. Then, if they can learn to keep quiet and behave themselves I see no need for their physical elimination."

Meanwhile, fliers urging that Trump supporters be sent to death camps were posted at various locations throughout Long Island, NY. The Shock Theater Collective said the fliers are "part of a promotional effort advertising Shock Theater's special summer show: "We the People." The show's plot features Trump supporters being terrorized. Spokesman Rodney Montgomery says "we're using horror to bring a message of unity."

Fired FBI Goons Sue

Former FBI employees—Deputy Director Andrew McCabe and Special Agent Peter Strzok—are suing the federal government, alleging that they were improperly fired from their jobs.

McCabe contends that his firing was politically motivated. "President Trump wrongfully ordered my dismissal solely on the grounds that my efforts to prevent his election and undermine his presidency were not appropriate actions for a man in my position to take," McCabe said. "The orders I received to undertake the actions I took came down from duly appointed authorities in the FBI and DOJ. This includes the specific instruction to illegally leak classified information intended to mobilize voters to vote against Trump in the 2016 election. Getting fired for being a loyal follower of those above me in the chain of command was a moral atrocity."

Strzok contends that "the evidence gathered against me was illegally obtained without my consent. The government should have known that I would use the phone issued to me for private communications with Ms. Page. The revelation that many of these communications exposed my virulent animosity toward Trump invaded my privacy. That animosity was characterized as compromising my credibility as an investigator. That was unfair. All of us working with Director Comey and then Special Counsel Mueller shared the same animosity toward Trump. That I was singled out and made a scapegoat was manifestly unjust."

Despite being fired a year ago, Strzok is a frequent visitor to FBI headquarters, meets with high-level DOJ brass at a location across the street from the FBI headquarters, and still retains his top secret security clearance. His case has been assigned to Judge Amy Berman Jackson of the United States District Court for the District of Columbia. Jackson was appointed by President Obama and is expected to order Strzok reinstated with back pay and full pension rights. Perhaps McCabe will be equally "lucky" when his case is assigned to a judge.

Dem Presidential Candidate Follies

On the campaign trail this week the struggle for the Democratic presidential nomination continued to generate loony ideas.

New Jersey Sen Cory Booker's campaign director for New Hampshire, Erin Turmelle, demanded an end to Trump rallies, calling them "a breeding ground for racism and bigotry. They are despicable and have no place in New Hampshire, or anywhere in our country. That's why Trump must cancel all future rallies." She rejected criticism calling the demand a violation of Trump's freedom of speech, saying that "there is no freedom for hate speech" and suggested that Trump "campaign like a normal Republican candidate. He could learn a lot about decorum from the model presidential campaigns waged by Sen. McCain and former Massachusetts Gov. Romney."

Former Texas Rep. Beto O'Rourke canceled a previously planned campaign trip to Iowa and is headed to Mexico "because there are more f***ing votes there than there are in Iowa. I'll be meeting with Chihuahua Governor Javier Corral Jurado and Ciudad Juárez Mayor Armando Cabada to discuss ways to get more voters across the border before the 2020 election. It's the best way to ensure that the murderous bastard Trump is defeated."

Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised to institute food rationing if he is elected president, claiming it "will serve the dual purposes of fighting obesity and saving the environment." The Senator laughed at charges that his plan will lead to shortages. "Shortages are a feature, not a defect of my plan. It is only by controlling food intake that we can assure that every American has a healthy diet. Lower food consumption will allow more farmland to revert back to a natural state. That will help the environment. Making people wait in line to receive their food allotment will help keep them from making trouble. And the shared suffering will unite the country under a regime of greater equality. I say if Venezuela can do it so can we."

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren called President Trump "a white supremacist who has done everything in his power to stir up racial conflict and hatred in this country. After two of his followers massacred dozens in El Paso and Dayton last weekend he failed to admit guilt. Instead, he tried to place the blame on the shooters, calling them deranged madmen." Unfortunately for the Senator's narrative, the Dayton madman was a registered Democrat who described himself as a leftist and looked forward to voting for Warren and a socialist America.

California Sen. Kamala Harris vowed to send armed men door-to-door to confiscate firearms should she be elected president. "The Second Amendment is out-dated BS," she asserted. "The days of needing a gun to ward off predatory animals or marauding Indians are long gone. Most of these animals are on the endangered species list and the Indians have been pacified. History has shown that when the only legal guns are in the hands of the government, homicides committed by private citizens go way down. The population is also more docile and the laws are almost universally obeyed. This is the future we can have in America if progressive candidates prevail in 2020."

Newspaper Criticizes Volunteers Who Cleaned Up City

After President Trump pointed out the rat-infested piles of trash strewn around Baltimore, a group of 100 volunteers conducted a massive clean-up effort. Though tons of trash were removed at no cost to the City's inhabitants, the Baltimore Sun newspaper derided the volunteers.

While conceding that Baltimore is cleaner and healthier as a result of the voluntary clean-up, the paper's editors found fault with the fact that the person who organized the clean-up is a Trump supporter. "If it had been anyone else, we would've been okay with it," the editors wrote. "But having a Trump supporter do a good deed conflicts with the narrative that the President and his followers are a malevolent force in our nation. Undermining this narrative has a far greater negative impact on the ultimate objective of ousting this man from office than the petty gain of improving the lives of those living in our City's slums."

"The invasion of these good Samaritans and the quick results achieved also mocks the City Government's indolence and ineffectiveness," the editors added. "This lends credibility to President Trump's charge that the government has wasted billions of dollars in aid received from the feds. The comments of slum dwellers thanking the volunteers and President Trump for inspiring their efforts presages an ominous desertion of minority voters from the Democratic Party. This threatens the progressive future this newspaper has been pushing for the City and America. Our only consolation is that the inhabitants of these slums are likely to undo the clean-up in a very short period of time and return their neighborhoods to their normal decayed and decrepit state."

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