John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 27, 2019 Edition

Impeachment Junta Cries Foul

The two Congressional Democrats conducting the secret trial of President Trump denounced Attorney General William Barr's decision to open a criminal investigation of the origins of the FBI/Obama Administration's efforts to prevent Trump's election in 2016.

In a joint statement from House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) and House Judiciary Committee Chairman Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) the two complained that "using the Department of Justice to investigate a political matter is a clear abuse of authority. It makes the DOJ co-conspirators with the Republican senators who have condemned our confidential effort to generate sufficient revulsion among the general population to inspire Republicans to join us in ousting Trump from office."

Schiff decried "the defective character exhibited by Barr's refusal to recuse himself like his predecessor Sessions did. Sessions may have had his faults, but he put country ahead of party when it came to rooting out the Russian collusion that illegally kept Secretary Clinton from rightfully ascending to the presidency. By his decision today Barr is daring us to add his name to the list of persons who must be punished for actions aiding and abetting the crimes of Donald Trump."

Barr took the criticism as "proof we're on the trail of the actual would-be usurpers of the people's right to choose who they want as president. For two years, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller ranged far and wide in search of evidence against President Trump and was forced to admit that he could find none. At the same time, the behaviors of notable figures in the FBI and CIA between Trump's announcement he would run for president and today appear to be outside the scope of their legal authority. As I said prior to being confirmed as AG, government spying on a candidate is a big deal. We are going to impanel a grand jury to hear evidence aimed at determining who was responsible for the crimes of these agencies."

Scheme to Outlaw Gas-Powered Vehicles Hatched

Senate Minority Leaders Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has proposed legislation that would have the federal government "buy back" all motor vehicles that use fossil fuels. He says he got the idea from Democratic presidential candidate Rep, Beto O'Rourke's plan to "buy back" firearms.

Under Schumer's bill, the government would buy these vehicles for amounts ranging from $2500 to $4500 apiece. "The great thing about my bill is that for a cost of less than $400 billion over a ten year period we will completely eliminate these climate damaging machines," the Senator boasted. "Hopefully, vehicle owners will voluntarily turn over their gas-guzzling, environment-destroying cars and trucks in exchange for these payments. That would be the sensible thing to do since gas stations will be abolished rendering unsurrendered vehicles obsolete. Obstinate owners would then be assessed a disposal fee to cover the government's cost of recycling the materials of which the outlawed vehicles are constructed. It will be a win-win scenario for every American."

Ironically, the highly touted electric vehicles Schumer's bill would mandate are projected to have a larger negative impact on the environment when all factors are accounted for than the hated gasoline fueled vehicles he wants phased out.

Schiff Defends Restrictions on GOP Access to Documents

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) defended the restrictions he has decreed for Republican members of Congress who want to review the transcripts of the secret testimony his impeachment hearings are compiling. Under his rules there is only a single copy of the transcripts that is kept in a locked room under the constant guard of Democratic staff. Republicans wanting to see the transcripts cannot take notes and must agree to be strip searched before they are allowed to leave the room.

"Back in 2003 an individual stole and destroyed some classified documents from our National Archives," Schiff recalled. "To prevent this type of illicit theft of government documents of vital importance to our inquiry we must take every reasonable precaution. Inasmuch as many Republicans are on record denouncing our investigation, the threat that they would similarly steal and destroy the evidence we are accumulating is palpable. If Republicans don't like the limits I have placed on them they could do what every genuine American patriot is now doing—wait for me to reveal the evidence of Trump's high crimes to the general public. When the time is right they'll see all that needs to be seen on CNN."

The 2003 theft mentioned by Schiff was carried out by Sandy Berger, former President Clinton's National Security Advisor. Berger told a friend that he took five documents out of the Archives stuffed inside his underwear. These classified documents covering the Clinton Administration's mishandling of terrorist threats were never recovered. Berger was allowed to plead to misdemeanor unauthorized removal of the documents and was fined $50,000, sentenced to serve two years of probation and 100 hours of community service, and stripped of his security clearance for three years. The sentencing judge explained the light penalty, saying "I didn't want this poor fellow to end up on the list of mysterious deaths that seem to have befallen the friends and associates of the Clintons over the years."

In related news, a group of Republicans who tried to sit in the gallery to observe the testimony being given at Schiff's closed door hearings were declared "boring, nerdy-looking white guys" by MSNBC's Donny Deutsch. "They fancy themselves as fighters for citizens' constitutional rights, but they didn't break anything. Neither did they hit or even threaten anyone. All they did was order pizzas to be delivered. At least we have Antifa on our side. They aren't squeamish about really fighting for what we believe in. I'm glad that the Republicans showed the world what wimps they are in comparison."

Harris Unsure If Trump Has Broken Any Laws

Former prosecutor and current contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif), who claims that "Trump has already confessed," was unable to specify what laws he has violated when asked by CNN's Anderson Cooper.

"I don't need to know the law to know who's a criminal," Harris elaborated. "My experience as a prosecutor allows me to unconsciously sense such things. Some people are just bad. Whether there's a specific statute defining a crime isn't as important as taking bad people off the streets."

To help bolster her case against Trump, the Senator pointed to a new British initiative she thinks provides validation for her "common sense approach. They've got a program that says hateful behavior, even if it isn't a crime should be punished. Some people are so bad that you shouldn't even need evidence to know that they ought to be punished. Anyone paying attention to the news since Trump was elected know he is one of the worst people in the world. He needs to be neutralized by any means possible."

To show that she is more than just talk, Harris pulled out of a South Carolina criminal justice forum because the organizers gave President Trump a "Bipartisan Justice Award." "While my competitors for the 2020 presidential nomination are nattering about who can grab guns the fastest, abort babies the latest, and most thoroughly convert capitalism into socialism, I am striking a tangible blow against the Trump tyranny," she bragged.

Romney Explains Pierre Delecto

This week it was revealed that Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) has been tweeting under the name Pierre Delecto since 2011. The gist of most of the tweets was pointing out "what a swell fellow this Mitt Romney guy is crossing Party lines to stand with defenders of democracy like Schiff and Nadler to take down the tyrant Trump."

The Senator alleges that "modesty was my motivation. If I had tweeted these things under my own name I would have appeared to be boastful. By using a pseudonym the compliments could be perceived as more honest and genuine. And who wouldn't be impressed by remarks from a guy whose screen name translates as 'Delightful Peter.'"

Mitt's explanation has worsened his public persona. Instead of just being an unsuccessful candidate for president, he has etched his reputation as an immodest, dishonest, and cowardly self-promoter into the minds of decent folks everywhere.

Gov Vows to Block "Heartbeat" Bill

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf (D) warned the GOP dominated legislature to not waste time passing a bill to ban abortions after the baby's heartbeat can be detected. "I will veto whatever bill they pass," Wolf promised. "Some women don't want to be mothers. They shouldn't be forced to become mothers in order to fulfill somebody else's moral values."

Rep. Stephanie Borowicz (R-McElhattan), sponsor of the bill was distressed that "the governor has rejected any and all limitations on the cruel practice of killing innocent babies. Isn't 'life' one of the inalienable rights that our country was founded to protect? Women determined to abort their babies can cross the border into New York where the law permits abortion even after birth. But Pennsylvania should be a place where babies are safe."

Wolf characterized the trek to another state to get an abortion as "inhumane. A woman should enjoy the right to terminate an unwanted child in the comfort of her home state. Those who would abridge this right condemn innocent women to the involuntary servitude of having to rear a person superfluous to her chosen lifestyle."