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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 26, 2020 Edition

Black Dems Face Retribution

Democratic Party leaders in Georgia and Michigan have targeted two state legislators for punishment. The "crime" of which both are accused is "breaking our Party's united front against the Trump menace," said state Rep. James Beverly (D-Macon), chairman of the Party's House caucus.

Georgia state representative Vernon Jones (D-DeKalb) made the "mistake" of praising the positive impacts on African Americans of Trump's economic and prison-reform policies. Beverly pointed out that "it is our Party's position that nothing Trump does is worthy of approval. Everything must be condemned if we hope to unseat him in the November election. There must be no defectors, no weak links among the Party faithful. To maintain discipline, we must sanction Jones in a meaningful way."

State Rep. Scott Holcomb (D-DeKalb) labeled Jones "an incompetent narcissist. Even if he personally disagrees with the Party he has an obligation to keep his opinions to himself. Publicly standing against us violates his primary political duty."

In Michigan, State Rep. Karen Whitsett (D-Detroit) dared to publicly thank President Trump for calling attention to hydroxychloroquine as a possible therapy for COVID-19, claiming "it saved my life." This came after Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) had banned this therapy in the state.

District Democrat Party Chairman Jonathan Kinloch complained that "Whitsett's going around the Governor's ban was the last straw. If she had quietly undergone the therapy without going public—like many others in the Party have done—we'd have no beef. By doing what she did and publicly thanking Trump she brought discredit to the Governor and the Party. This cannot go unpunished."

Social Media Giants Vow to Squelch Dissent

The corporate moguls in control of Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter have all promised to censor users "who try to spread misinformation about COVID-19 and undermine the government's policy of shelter in place," said creepy Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. "Posts that try to minimize the threat of the virus or spur opposition to the lockdowns intended to fight the contagion will be removed. The collective well-being of all depends upon unanimous obedience to the directives our government has issued. If we let a trickle of dissent go unchecked the entire dike holding back disaster may crumble."

YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki was especially concerned that "the unapproved therapies that we see being suggested by ignorant laymen, or even some doctors, undermine public confidence in the officially recognized and mandated therapies advocated by the World Health Organization. They also fly in the face of edicts issued by various governors like Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) and Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich). These governors are responsible for determining what's best for the citizens of their states. Citizens have the obligation to do as they are told. We at YouTube will do our part to help ensure that this happens."

AOC Asks "Why Ever Go Back to Work?"

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) urges workers to refuse to go back to their jobs when the country reopens for business.

"One thing I think we have learned from the lockdown is that life can be very comfortable," she observed. "I, for one, have been enjoying the leisure I've gained while sheltering at home. I imagine that the same is true for the vast majority of Americans. The unemployment benefits that congress has approved have actually increased the weekly income for large numbers of those who lost their jobs during the shutdown. In New York, for example, unemployment benefits on an annualized basis, amount to a $40,000 per year stipend. On top of this, there are the stimulus checks many families are receiving."

"My question is, given the combination of income available from these government payments and the freedom from wage-slavery so many have enjoyed this last month, why ever go back to work?" she asked. "I mean, the only ones who lost their jobs were working for nonessential businesses. Why should people be forced to work producing nonessential goods and services when they could be spending more time at home doing things they really enjoy? The government has an unlimited authority to create as much money as is needed to pay everyone a living wage . There is no need to herd people into wage-slavery just so they can earn a living."

"From where we are now, we can see the promise land Marx envisioned," the socialist firebrand said. "We are in a position to rearrange society so that the minority that has the ability and energy to produce essential goods and services does the work necessary to meet the needs of the majority. We can achieve the social justice of the Marxian ethic of 'from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs' if we have the backbone to make it happen. I will make this my primary mission after I'm reelected in November."

L.A. Reiterates Intent to Keep People Inside

Disturbed that people will take the recently announced findings that sunlight kills the COVID-19 virus in a matter of minutes as "an excuse to violate Gov. Newsom's stay-at-home order," Los Angeles Police Department Chief Michel Moore reminded that "we are still chasing folks off the beaches and hiking trails."

"Not everyone is physically able to hike on the trails or on the beaches," Moore pointed out. "To allow those who can would give them an unfair advantage over those who can't. The Governor says it is important that we all stay on the same page in the fight against the virus. So, until everyone can go outside, no one will be permitted to go outside unless they are essential workers or have prior permission from the government that they may be outside their residence."

Moore urged "those itching to go outdoors" to "wait until the 200 million masks that the Governor has ordered from China have arrived and can be distributed. That way they can stay within the guidelines and won't have to worry about being arrested."

Cuomo's Incomprehensible Blunder

As the nation's leader in COVID-19 fatalities, New York officials are searching for the factors that may have contributed to this negative outcome. One factor that may have played a role was Gov. Andrew Cuomo's (D) March 25th order requiring nursing homes to admit and readmit individuals who tested positive for the virus. While the Governor tried to profess ignorance of his order, Health Commissioner Howard Zucker confirmed it.

"I know that in hindsight it looks stupid," Zucker admitted, "but no one stopped to think about what we were doing. We thought old people belong in nursing homes. It just didn't occur to us that infected old people ought to be kept separate from uninfected old people. As we know now, this policy was a formula for disaster. Old people are especially susceptible to infection. The death rates skyrocketed. The only saving grace is that we have until November 2022 for voters to forget about this."

By way of damage control, Gov. Cuomo suggested that "the shortage of personal protective equipment (PPE) for nursing home staff was the weak link in our strategy. I had to beg for these supplies from the federal government and it took some time for them to be manufactured and delivered. That puts the blame firmly on President Trump for not being adequately prepared to deal with the pandemic." Left unmentioned was Cuomo's 2015 decision to cut funding for emergency medical supplies from the State's budget.

Meanwhile, paramedics in New York have been issued a statewide "do-not-resuscitate" directive. Cuomo justified this order, saying "the vast majority of the people EMTs revive end up eventually dying. Rather than waste valuable hospital space on these cases we needed to free-up beds for COVID patients." Ironically, the 3,000-bed hospital that the US Army set up in New York City's Javits Center for the COVID emergency remains 99% vacant.

In related news, Cuomo called the increase in domestic violence that has arisen in the wake of increased unemployment and the lockdown "an acceptable trade-off compared to the certain death of allowing people to risk exposure to COVID that would occur if they are allowed to go back to work. The number of battered spouses that are dying during the lockdown is dwarfed by the number of lives saved from the virus. In fact, I think we might want to consider making lockdowns one of the features of the new normal we are building in this country."

Gov Threatens to Punish Everyone

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) warned the people of her state that "the continued anti-government antics of a minority may force me to extend the lockdown longer than I originally planned."

She likened her predicament to that of "a teacher trying to deal with a few unruly students. She's spoken loudly and sternly. Yet, there are some who insist on mocking and resisting the rules she's laid out for everyone. Her ultimate weapon is to threaten to cancel recess or keep everyone after school in the hope that she can inspire enough social pressure to contain the offenders. Like that school teacher, I'm now warning all the well-behaved citizens of Michigan that if they cannot stifle their misbehaving neighbors, I will order everyone to stay home until all the demonstrations and criticism cease."

NJ Gov Demands Bailout

Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ) characterized Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's opposition to using federal money to bail out New Jersey's government as "utterly irresponsible." McConnell suggested that "rather than try to sponge off federal taxpayers, states in financial trouble should file for bankruptcy."

Murphy started off by threatening to lay off state employees. "Let's see how McConnell and the Republicans like it when thousands of essential government workers join the ranks of the unemployed," he said. "The booming economy that Trump and the GOP are counting on to win the election would be further set back."

Murphy also chastised McConnell's aversion to forcing more fiscally prudent states to cover the deficits accrued by the more profligate states like New Jersey. "This is not the time to point fingers," Murphy asserted. "This is the time for us all to come together as one family. It's like you've got a brother who squandered all his share of the family inheritance on booze and gambling. You don't throw him out on the street. You share what you have with him."

"The pensions we have promised our state employees are in danger of being under-funded," Murphy pointed out. "Should we have not made these promises? Maybe, but that's all water under the bridge now. The fact is that other states have money and we need it. It is the obligation of the federal government to redistribute the wealth from those who are able to produce it to those of us who need it."

Chicago to Reclassify Some Homicides

Under the direction of Mayor Lori Lightfoot, Chicago—gun homicide capital of the United States—has begun reclassifying incidents in which a murder victim was shot from a distance of six feet or more as COVID-19 fatalities.

"Since the shooters in these cases are observing the social distancing rules—we determined that COVID-19 guidelines were the key contributing factor in these deaths," the Mayor explained. "By reclassifying these deaths, the City will receive payments from the federal government that would not be available if the deaths were allowed to be officially attributed to a non-COVID-19 cause."

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