IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 17, 2020 Edition

Sheriff Too Busy Rearresting Criminals to Enforce Lockdown

Fresno County Sheriff Margaret Mims says her officers "are too busy repeatedly rearresting criminals released under the state's zero-dollar bail policy. We haven't the time, resources, or inclination to enforce the social-distancing orders issued by Gov. Newsom."

Newsom proclaimed himself "seriously peeved by the failure of Sheriff Mims and others to carry out my orders. These law-enforcement officers are not authorized to select which laws they will or won't enforce. It isn't their job to decide which offenses are more serious. That is the responsibility of higher officials. In 2018 the legislature passed and Gov. Brown signed the law that allows accused felons who can't afford bail to be released on their own recognizance. I fear that Mims' focus on repeat offenses from this segment of the population could be construed as racist."

Mims called Newsom's remarks "a slur. We are rearresting people who are stealing, assaulting, and murdering without regard to skin color. These are the individuals that the public needs protection from. The Governor's insistence that everyone should wear masks actually works against public safety by making it harder to identify perps on surveillance camera videos."

Meanwhile in New York City, a half-dozen police officers accosted 22-year-old Kaleemah Rozier and threw her to the pavement in full view of her terrified toddler for "improperly wearing her mask." One of the arresting officers explained "when you break the law, you pay the price." Ironically, New York has been releasing convicted felons from prison during the COVID-19 crisis in order to protect them from catching the virus. Now there's room to incarcerate Ms. Rozier.

China Warns: "US Cannot Defeat Coronavirus"

The Chinese Government controlled Global Times mocked America's battle against the pandemic saying "the inability to dictate top-down solutions is frustrated by squeamishness to violate so-called individual rights like privacy and freedom of speech. This inherent weakness is why China will rise to dominate the world for the next 1,000 years."

Gov. Jay Inslee (D-Wash) made a bid to rebut this assertion by pointing out that "I have established a surveillance protocol that will require private businesses to record the names and addresses of customers. This information will then be kept on file until needed. I have also set up a program of targeted virus testing. Individuals selected for testing will either submit or be put under house-arrest."

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) cited her "bold action to deny Karl Manke's attempt to evade my order to shut down his barber shop. Using my authority to crush this dissident's efforts to support himself through nonessential labor proves that I'm not squeamish. I have also declared the circulation of petitions for my recall from office 'nonessential.' I think I have shown President Xi Jinping that I can wield the same kind of ruthless application of power that he has."

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) pointed out that "I effectively sentenced thousands to death by mandating the cohabitation of infected and uninfected vulnerable elderly in nursing home facilities unequipped to deal with the virus. I could have easily sent the COVID-19 positives to the Navy hospital ship President Trump sent to help take on patients that couldn't be accommodated in other hospitals in my state, but I didn't. I think my accomplishment here validates me as the least squeamish governor in America."

The editor of the Global Times praised these "earnest attempts to follow the Chinese model," but pointed out "the unavoidable fragmentation imposed by the United States' inefficient federalist system. As aggressive as these governors have been they're still short of the kind of total control necessary. There are even signs that citizens egged on by President Trump's encouragement to 'liberate' their states will undo all the progress that they have made toward adopting a truly progressive form of governance."

Employees Refuse to Return to Work

Melony Wagner, owner of the Charles Village Pub in Baltimore, reports that her effort to reopen are being impeded by employees refusing to return to work. "The unemployment benefits augmented by the federal stimulus money they're getting exceeds the amount they made in wages and tips before we were ordered to shutdown," she said.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) boasted that "this restaurant example vindicates what I've been saying for years. Unemployment compensation is a better source of income than jobs. This may be inconvenient for people like Ms. Wagner, but it is her own fault for trying to operate a nonessential business. For her employees, though, the stress and expense of dragging themselves to a job are avoided. They have more time to spend with their families and to do things they really enjoy rather than being forced to work just to put food on the table."

"Our $3 trillion Health and Economic Recovery Omnibus Emergency Solutions Act (HEROES Act) is a critical step toward making unemployment compensation a permanent source of income for a growing segment of our population—including newcomers," the Speaker bragged. "We want voters to know that if Democrats can take control of the Senate, House, and presidency in the November elections, this transformation will reshape the way we live." Her 1800 page bill is expected to pass in the Democrat-dominated House, but fail in the GOP-dominated Senate.

Judge Fishing for Reason to Punish Flynn

Attorney General William Barr's decision to drop the "lying to the FBI" charges against Gen. Michael Flynn has infuriated Judge Emmett Sullivan. The Judge is now soliciting ideas from anyone who wants to suggest an alternate charge for which the General can be punished.

Former Judge John Gleeson suggested that "Flynn should be charged with perjury for falsely pleading guilty to lying to the FBI. There is no evidence that Flynn committed any crime. Consequently, his admission of guilt is clearly perjury. Judge Sullivan should find him guilty of perjury and sentence him to prison."

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) suggested that "Flynn's original guilty plea should stand. Just because the Mueller team had no evidence doesn't change the fact that Flynn originally folded to their bluff that they would go after his son. Once you fold, it doesn't matter that you folded to a 'nothing hand.' He had his chance to call their bluff, but didn't. For losing his nerve he deserves to lose the case and go to jail."

Former Vice-President Joe Biden suggested that "Flynn should be found guilty of treason. Twenty-eight members of the Obama Administration demanded that Flynn be unmasked. This alone is pretty persuasive evidence that he is a bad dude. I mean, if 28 of the nation's finest leaders were all suspicious of the guy there has to be smoke where there's a fire like that. We can't afford to let him skate on the technically that the FBI and Mueller were unable to find evidence of his guilt. If we do, we risk millions more dying."

In related news, in an appearance on Snapchat's "Good Luck America" daily political show, Biden laughed off host Peter Hamby's question about how he will fight back against the "Dementia Joe" meme that is trending on social media, calling it "ridiculous. As you can see from my grin, my teeth are in great shape."

Clapper Says "Spying on Americans Is Routine"

Former Director of National Intelligence (DNI) James Clapper dismissed the hubbub over revelations that the intelligence community spied on the Trump campaign by asserting "Trump wasn't singled out as some sort of personal vendetta. Spying on Americans is routine. I estimate that more than 100,000 different American citizens were spied on during my tenure at DNI."

"We live in a dangerous world," Clapper reminded. "Enemies abound—both foreign and domestic. Those of us entrusted with defending the government from these enemies must be ever vigilant. Tapping phone lines, bugging residences, secretly video taping people in their homes and work places, blackmail, and any other means of gathering the intelligence needed to keep us safe must be employed."

"President Obama explicitly asked that we keep an eye on Donald Trump," Clapper added. "Here was a guy that had no political pedigree trying to seize power from the men who have invested their careers in public service. His sudden change of career from the private sector to running for president was highly suspicious. His success at it was alarming. We had to do whatever we could to neutralize this threat. The blatant exposure of our covert actions against Trump by current DNI acting-director Richard Grenell is an unprecedented invasion of the privacy that is essential for the intelligence community to be able to do its job."

In related news, Clapper said "I won't be able to honor Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Lindsey Graham's request that I testify under oath in front of his committee. There's nothing in it for me. When I testify on CNN they provide me with talking points and a paycheck. Unless Lindsey can match that I'm going to have to refuse to testify for him. My excuse will be that until there is a vaccine for COVID-19 it would be too risky for a man my age to leave home. He can watch what I say on CNN and sort through that for evidence."

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