IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 12, 2020 Edition

Goya CEO Won't Apologize

This week Goya Foods President and CEO Bob Unanue participated in the White House Hispanic Prosperity Initiative. The Initiative asked Hispanic business owners and managers for their ideas on how the Trump Administration could help improve opportunities within the economic and educational realm for prosperity among Hispanics. Unanue's praise for this initiative sparked a firestorm of hate from anti-Trump hysterics demanding that he apologize or face a boycott of his company's products.

In contrast to typical corporate CEOs, Unanue held his ground and refused to apologize. "Unlike President Obama, President Trump is genuinely concerned with the prosperity of all Americans," Unanue pointed out. "He understands that successful enterprise is what is needed to lift people out of poverty and into the ranks of the middle class and higher. His request for our input exhibited a confidence in our ability to achieve the American dream through our own efforts. The comparison with President Obama's endless lectures asking us to accept the decline that he insisted was inevitable couldn't be starker. I will not apologize for cooperating with President Trump in his efforts to help us help ourselves to make better lives for our people."

The Biden campaign promised to "undo any agreements reached by any groups with the Trump Administration. Capitalism has been tried and failed. Dismantling this perverse ideology of self-reliance and replacing it with a fairer system run by the government for the good of all is something voters can count on when Joe is elected."

2017 Memo Proves Obama Admin Knew Flynn Was Innocent

This week's declassification of a memo written in January 2017 revealed that the Obama Administration Department of Justice and the FBI knew that Trump's National Security Advisor Gen. Michael Flynn was neither a liar nor a Russian agent. Nevertheless, this information was concealed and Flynn was persecuted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller's team and coerced into agreeing to a false plea of "lying to the FBI."

Revelation of this exonerating evidence supports the recent DOJ decision to withdraw its prosecution of Flynn and dismiss the charges. However, trial Judge Emmet Sullivan is appealing the dismissal of charges to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit. "At this point it doesn't matter whether the original charges against Gen. Flynn are true or false," Sullivan argues. "He agreed to plead guilty. Allowing him to withdraw that plea is akin to allowing a poker player who has folded to a bluff to try to replay the hand. He may regret his decision not to call the bluff, but he is not entitled to escape paying the price."

The Court of Appeals has given Judge Sullivan and the DOJ ten days to present written arguments of 3,900 words or less on why the case against Flynn should or shouldn't be dismissed.

In related news, the FBI says it won't release evidence related to Seth Rich's murder and Hillary Clinton's emails until after the November elections. Director Christopher Wray contended that "it would be unprofessional for our agency to provide information that might reflect poorly on one political party prior to voters going to the polls. In this regard, I am adhering to the behavior modeled by my predecessor James Comey when he derailed the prosecution of Hillary Clinton for illegal transmission of classified information over unsecure media prior to the 2016 elections."

Judicial Watch Sues DC

Judicial Watch announced that it has filed a civil rights lawsuit against Mayor Muriel Bowser and other officials for First Amendment violations. The gist of the suit is that the DC government has refused to allow the organization to paint the message "Because No One Is Above the Law!" on a DC street. Previously, Black Lives Matter was allowed to paint its message on a DC street.

"City streets are not an appropriate canvas for painting political messages," Bowser said. "Considering how many political slogans can be generated, it wouldn't be long before every street had one. Soon, the impact of every message would be diluted by the cacophony of contending ideas. This would do irreparable harm to the Black Lives Matter message I already approved."

"Then there also is the content of Judicial Watch's proposed message that needs to be considered," the Mayor added. "It is not a politically approved meme. It asserts an idea that would severely restrict the government's flexibility in assessing each particular situation. There may be compelling reasons for determining that particular individuals need to be excused from obeying the law. The recent demonstrations against police brutality are a case in point. Normally, assaulting police, vandalizing property, looting stores, and burning down buildings are crimes. However, given 400 years of racist oppression can we really say that these crimes aren't justified?"

Seattle City Council to Cut Police Budget 50%

A 7-2 majority of the Seattle City Council has pledged to vote for a 50% cut in funding for the police. Council member Kshama Sawant explained that "it turns out that most of what is called 'crime' is just a difference of opinion between the affected parties. These kinds of disagreements are spawned by the rotten capitalistic system foisted on us by white privilege. Since we are going to replace this system with socialism it makes no sense to invest money to fund police intervention into these types of disputes."

The Councilwoman cited the recent Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone as "an example of what a future socialist Seattle will look like. There was no paid police force. Armed volunteers patrolled the streets and implemented enlightened social justice without having the constraint of written laws. I was particularly impressed by the prevailing social rule that white residents were required to give $10 to any person-of-color who asked for it. This demonstrated that a more just redistribution of wealth could be achieved without the expense of a large bureaucracy to effect the transfer."

Sawant's efforts got some encouragement from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who called replacing professional police with local volunteers "an interesting experiment. The idea that police should reflexively oppose spontaneous action to redistribute property deserves a more thorough test than what took place over a few weeks in a few blocks of the City. We need to see what people will do when they don't have to fear police interfering with what they want to do."

Fauci Unfazed by Forecast Starvation

The humanitarian group Oxfam's warning that the economic shutdowns imposed to combat the coronavirus may lead to more than 120 million additional people starving to death this year was brushed off by viral expert Dr. Anthony Fauci as "a false narrative. Look, millions of people starving to death each year is normal. The coronavirus is novel. It is incumbent that this novel threat remain the primary focus of world heath efforts."

"I am especially concerned about the rise in the number of confirmed cases that has followed the risky decision to allow nonessential businesses and activities to prematurely resume," the Doctor lamented. "I take little comfort in the declining fatality rates among those now testing positive for the virus. Those who recover without the benefit of the vaccine that Bill Gates and I have invested our efforts in promoting will undermine public faith in the science I have been preaching for the last six months. Even worse, a relapse into dependence on the sixty-year old hydroxychloroquine drug impinges on the financial incentives for developing more expensive and redundant alternative therapies."

Fauci saved his harshest criticism for President Trump, saying that "his eagerness to get back to normal runs the risk of throwing away much of what we have already accomplished. The level of obedience to autocratic dictates attained over the last few months has been astounding. The willingness of the average American to do as they are told is a significant breakthrough in our 'land of the free.' The skepticism of autocratic rule that would arise from a successful reopening of the economy will destroy the momentum of the fundamental transformation of this country that is now within our grasp."

China Condemns Australia Safe Haven

In a bid to rescue Hong Kong residents from being oppressed by the Chinese Commuinist Government's crackdown on dissent in the semi-autonomous region, the government of Australia has offered pathways to permanent residency for people fleeing.

China's Ambassador Cheng Jingye denounced this offer, calling it "an infringement on our right to control our people. Unlike Australia, we are a collectivist society. All persons residing within our borders are ours to do with as we please. The attempt to impute western ideas alleging individual rights to free speech, free enterprise, and free movement to the people of Hong Kong have no merit."

The Ambassador went on to warn that "China will assert its ownership rights to these people wherever they may flee to. Any attempt on the part of Australia to interfere may be met with the irresistible force of Chinese arms."

CNN Loons Laugh Off Rising Crime Rates

CNN's Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon teamed up to mock other media for reporting on the surge of violent crimes being committed in several major cities. This year, New York City has seen the worst gun violence in 25 years. Los Angeles saw a 250% increase in crime—including a 56% increase in shootings compared to last year. In Chicago, shootings were up by 76% compared to a year ago.

Lemon characterized the reporting as "racist. Black people shooting Black people is nothing new. It has been a pattern stretching back decades. To act all alarmed about it now is plays into the hands of our racist president. Likewise, the vandalism, looting, and arson accompanying the Black Lives Matter demonstrations are being cast as a major disruption of life and threat to safety. Since when has safety been something that the government should guarantee?"

"Yeah," Cuomo agreed. "Safety is something white people expect. Black people have had to live in crime-ridden neighborhoods since forever. Why shouldn't white people have to get used to it?"

"I think our colleagues on other stations and in the newspapers need to get back in line," Lemon demanded. "The only person helped by focusing on crime rates is Trump. He's the one campaigning for law and order. Biden and the Democrats are on-board with the idea of scaling back police and law enforcement. They'll never get the chance to fully implement this policy if Trump and the Republicans win in November. All of us in the news business have to do our part to help Democrats retake control of the federal government."

"I'm with you on that Bro," Cuomo added.

In related news, Cuomo assailed the concept of freedom of choice, saying that "the notion that each person should be free to choose how he wants to live is out-dated. Everything we do affects others. The only free choice that can be allowed is the freedom to make the right choice. Those who can't do this voluntarily will have to be forced to do what's right."

Vandalizing Douglass Statue Defended by BLM Kook

Among the list of statues torn down during the current rage against American history was the Rochester, New York homage to Frederick Douglass. Born a slave in 1818, Douglass escaped and became one of the most eloquent opponents of slavery in America. Why was his statue torn down?

It seems that Douglass' sin was arguing that the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution laid the groundwork for the abolition of slavery. He called for the nation to live up to the principles of equality and liberty expressed in these documents by emancipating the slaves.

Yusra Khogali, a co-founder of the Black Lives Matter chapter in Toronto, explained that "glorifying the words of slave-holder Thomas Jefferson that all men are created equal like Douglass did is unacceptable. White people are a genetic defect of blackness. They are subhuman. Black people could literally wipe out the white race if we had power. Until then I pray to Allah everyday to give me the strength to not kill white folks."

In related news, South African Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier tweeted that "a brief study of the founding statement of the Black Lives Matter organization indicates the movement is being hijacked by parties committed to dismantling the very values, structures and institutions which have over the centuries undergirded the best civilizations and cultures."

Faculty Want University Name Changed

The faculty of Washington & Lee University are uncomfortable with the name and are recommending it be changed "to better conform with contemporary sensitivities." George Washington was an early benefactor and Robert E. Lee was a former president of the university.

The three permanent Black faculty members at the university's law school want both names removed. Brandon Hasbrouck, an alumnus and associate professor of law suggested a compromise that would remove only Lee's name. As for what the new name should be, opinions are divided.

History Professor Zinn Howard wants the school to be rechristened Marx & Lenin University "to more accurately reflect the direction the nation will be taking in the future. Marx was the genius who deciphered human history's inevitable march toward a communist utopia. Lenin was the man of action who implemented the first positive step in 1917."

Gender Studies Professor Ethel Herman feared that "Professor Howard's suggestion might be too much, too soon. I think it might be better to take a more gradual path toward his ultimate destination. Perhaps Wilson & Roosevelt would be more acceptable. Both Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt adapted Marx's collectivist vision into distinctly American format."

Student body president Alfred Neuman argued against "cramming in some new name. No famous person is without scandal of some sort. Let's just erase both names and retain only the ampersand. The resulting '& University' allows us to imagine it to be anything we want it to be."

In related news, the faculty of Princeton University wrote a letter to the administration expressing its disgust with "the school's rampant anti-blackness" and demanded "48 reforms"--including "ideological conformity in future faculty hiring" and "a non-white committee dedicated to purging racism from all publications—past and future." "We must be free to teach the truth to our students without the distraction of unwarranted questioning from either students in the classroom or heretical articles in academic journals," the letter concluded.

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