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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 20, 2020 Edition

Harris Wants Durham Investigation Put off

Democratic vice-presidential candidate Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) thinks "it is improper for persons actively engaged in running for office to be investigated while the voting is underway. In fact, I believe there is something in the Constitution that prohibits any incumbent office holder, of which I am one, from being held to account for any statement or action carried out while in office. This makes the Durham investigation especially problematic because many of the primary suspects either are or were acting at the behest of Democratic public officials. And any release of information prior to November third risks biasing the voters against that Party."

"In my mind, the only acceptable way to handle such a sensitive issue is to wait until voters choose the next president," Harris argued. "Then the person elected as president will have a mandate to determine whether to go forward with any further inquiries or to terminate them. There is no need to complicate an already weighty decision by introducing evidence that may well be throw out by a Harris-Biden Administration."

"The good of the country must come ahead of any abstract notions of blind justice," Harris added. "It will be hard for the people to unite behind us if premature revelations tarnish the character or credibility of past, present, or future Democratic leaders. And as Joe has said many times, nothing tops unity when it comes to governing a nation as diverse as ours. It is better to be unified behind a bad plan than to be constantly bickering over competing alternatives."

In related news, Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Ut) endorsed Harris'' position, saying "it is unseemly for the government to be investigating any public servant. On the one hand, those carrying out the orders of those above them are merely loyal aides who should be exempt from scrutiny for merely following the orders of a superior. On the other hand, the superiors giving the orders must have as wide a degree of action as is humanly possible so that what is best will not be stymied by rigid adherence to out-dated moral or legal scruples."

Schumer Wants Taxpayers to Fund Broadway

Citing the $15 billion that Broadway show businesses contribute to the New York economy each year, Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) wants the federal government to dip into the pockets of taxpayers "to make up for the losses that ensued after we ordered these businesses shut down due to the COVID menace."

The Senator maintains that "now is no time to argue over whether the shutdowns were necessary. What's already been done cannot be undone. Neither is simply allowing these businesses to decide whether it is safe enough for them to reopen their doors. The idea that a largely ignorant sector comprised of businesses and their customers should be free to make their own determination of what is or isn't safe is irresponsible. It is for us in government to make such a determination and apply it to everyone everywhere."

"By having the federal government replace some of the revenues the Broadway businesses could have earned from paying customers we can provide an income for the currently idle 100,000 Broadway employees," the Senator pointed out. "That way this world famous icon of the New York City urban lifestyle can be preserved. I know critics will balk at compelling people who never had or wanted an opportunity to see a Broadway play to support this industry. They will say that it is unfair. But I say the world needs culture and it is government's role to see that it gets it."

Biden's Town Hall Adventure

Democratic presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden told CNN's Anderson Cooper and town hall viewers that "China is not our enemy. If they were they wouldn't have given my son a billion dollar deal. I'll grant you that China hasn't been a perfect global citizen. From time to time they've stolen our technology. And every deadly respiratory virus seems to emanate from there. But these are all minor flaws—mistakes and bad luck that could've happened to anyone."

In a response to a potato farmer's question about why there are so many unnecessary regulations impeding her work, Biden advised the woman to "get a job hauling chicken manure. You get out from the stress and aggravation of running your own business. You'll meet a lot of interesting people at truck stops all across the land. You also can join the truckers' union, which will provide a lot of benefits plus the security of knowing you are part of a larger collective that will get prime service from a Harris-Biden Administration."

Biden then segued into a declaration that "my advisers now tell me that I can mandate a nationwide mask requirement for our national parks. I think this would set a good example for other government authorities to emulate. If the nation's president is willing to order everyone visiting our parks to wear a mask at all times people will know they have a president who means business. Coupled with hefty fines I will impose people will be brought into line with what the scientists have all been recommending for months."

The Candidate went on to belittle objections to the stringent lockdowns imposed in many states and cities, calling them "sick. These intrusions on civil liberties are a small price to pay for the security of knowing you won't get sick if you obey the directives. Trump's refusal to make universal lockdowns a federal policy was totally irresponsible and close to criminal. In fact, if Trump had instituted a total nationwide lockdown all those who subsequently died from COVID would be alive today. So, we will be looking into prosecuting Trump and all his enablers once we've taken over in Washington."

Biden also insisted that his campaign app that exposed personal data on 191 million Americans "proves that mine will be the most transparent administration in this country's history. By the time I'm done everyone will be able to find out everything about anybody. No one will have secrets they can conceal. We'll all be one big happy family."

In related news, Joe Biden's wife Jill says "voting for my husband will make the pandemic go away. The whole reason we're making it a big issue now is to win the election. Once that goal is achieved there'll be no reason to continue belaboring the issue. Trump will be gone and things can return to the way they were when President Obama ruled America."

20% of Millennials Say Jews Caused Holocaust

A survey of Millennials and Generation Z residing in New York told pollsters that Jews caused the Holocaust. This is despite the voluminous pile of evidence confirming that it was the Jews who were victimized by the Nazis in history's most horrific persecution of a religious/ethnic minority. Unsurprisingly, 60% of these ignoramuses were also unaware that six million Jews were murdered by this criminal German regime.

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) urged that "we should not be so quick to blame these youngsters. The Quran warns us that Jews are the most devious and deceitful creatures on Earth. No one has proved to my satisfaction that the Holocaust was not a hoax or that the claimed death toll wasn't outrageously exaggerated. Maybe the thousands of Jews killed by the Allied bombing attacks were blamed on the Germans to deflect responsibility for that American war crime."

"I think we need to keep an open mind about events that have been heavily propagandized by the western powers, particularly the United States," Omar said. "Fortunately, polls in Europe, the United States, and other parts of the world show that a growing percentage of people are becoming more skeptical about the fantastic claims made by the Jewish apologists. I look forward to the day when a truly progressive transformation of the American government can cut through all the Jewish lies and expose the real truth about who is really behind all the evil and tragic events in the world."

Fellow "Squad" member Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) stood by her pal Omar and emphasized "the importance of electing the Harris-Biden team in November. Senator Harris is the most progressive senator in Congress and Vice-President Biden is so weak that it will be child's play to bend him to our will. This election is our best opportunity yet to impose an impregnable progressive power structure on top of a faltering white supremacy."

Meanwhile, in a smear campaign emulating the style of the Nazi newspaper Der Stürmer, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's House Majority PAC put out a political mailer portraying Republican candidate for New Jersey's third congressional district David Richter as a money grubber with a digitally altered photo showing wads of cash sticking out of every pocket in his suit jacket. Brad Komar, the House Majority PAC Independent Expenditure director called the resemblance to Nazi anti-Jewish propaganda "unfortunate. We are targeting his greed, not his religion. The fact that Richter is a Jew is just a coincidence."

Nashville Mayor Hid COVID Data

Leaked internal emails show that Nashville Mayor John Cooper's administration purposely concealed data indicating that bars and restaurants are not a major source of the spread of COVID in the City. This reality conflicts with the Mayor's insistence that severe restrictions on how many customers bars and restaurants may serve must stay in place.

Cooper maintains that "I had very good reasons for what we did. First of all, alcohol consumption is bad for your health. Anything that makes it harder to imbibe alcohol improves public health. Second, allowing bars to return to normal would excessively stimulate the City's economy at a time when such stimulation would tend to bolster Trump's chances of reelection. With less than two months to go until election day it would be foolish to let up the pressure by letting on that bars and restaurants aren't as risky as we have everyone believing."

"Finally, let me point out that I am not the 'Lone Ranger' on this," Cooper said. "Democratic mayors and governors all across the country have done something very similar. All of us pulling together against a common enemy is the kind of unity needed to ensure that the right people keep control over the obstreperous behavior of those among us who put individual freedom ahead of social cohesion. Our objective is too important to let failure be an option. We will achieve our goal by whatever means necessary."

China Says US Trade Policy "Naked Act of Bullying"

A spokesman for the Chinese Foreign Ministry protested the US ban on products produced by slave labor calling it "a naked act of bullying." The U.S. Policy places limits on importing cotton, apparel, hair products, and other goods from companies reasonably believed to be engaging in slave labor in China.

The US restrictions were in response to reports that Xinjiang, China's westernmost province, is home to over 1,000 concentration camps where as many as 3 million Muslims are imprisoned and forced to produce the cited merchandise. The reports also contain tales of indoctrination, torture, rape, forced sterilization, and slavery.

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Wang Wenbin characterized the US policy as "interfering with our internal affairs. How our people are housed and employed is a matter for our discretion. The US has no right to impose decadent western notions of individualism and freedom on other countries. Such actions will only strengthen the hand of the hard-liners in China who want war with the United States. It is our advice that America voluntarily and peacefully yield to our demands before we are compelled to use force to achieve our goal of global hegemony."

Trump's Mid-East Deals Upend Decades of Failed US Foreign Policy

Defying expert predictions that it couldn't be done, President Trump's Administration has brokered peace treaties between Israel, the United Arab Emirates, and Bahrain. Several other countries including Saudi Arabia are expected to sign similar treaties with Israel in the next few months.

Former Obama Administration CIA Director John Brennan called the treaties "a wrong turn on a long and winding road. It has always been considered that peace in the region cannot be attained without the consent of the Palestinians. President Clinton knew that. President Bush knew that. President Obama knew that. The Palestinians' refusal to agree to anything—even acceding to their every demand—has blocked any positive progress for decades. I don't see how an inexperienced and ignorant Donald Trump can change that no matter how many Muslim countries sign on to these peace treaties with Israel."

Jared Kushner, who has been the Trump Administration's point man in negotiating these treaties, said "the people of this region are tired of war. They are not going to be content to be continually denied peace by allowing the fanatics who control the Gaza strip to veto every effort to normalize relationships between their countries and Israel. These deals are a real breakthrough. It should not be surprising that President Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for accomplishing them."

Minneapolis Leaders Say "Police Being Obtuse"

Minneapolis Council President Lisa Bender expressed her dismay at the lack of adequate law enforcement in the City. "I know we reduced their budget and told them to 'stand down' when protests turned into riots and looting, but we didn't expect things to get so bad," she lamented. "I think it's a case of them being purposely obtuse. Their place in the pecking order is below us. It's their job to make us look good."

"What they are intentionally misunderstanding is that most of what we said about defunding, disciplining, and prosecuting cops was to shore up our support among the progressive political segment of the voting population," Bender explained. "Yes, we made the police the scapegoats for everything that goes wrong in a confrontation with violent offenders, but it is their job to take the blame if that's what we want. They answer to us. We still expect them to have a sense of duty that impels them to serve and protect. This means putting their careers and lives on the line on a daily basis. When we need to cash in on this sense of duty they owe it to us to make the sacrifice that will deflect criticism away from the City Council so we can continue to rule the City."

Police Chief Medaria Arradondo said he will "look into the issues raised by the Council, but I'm not sure I can sell the members of the police force on the idea that they're all supposed to be the Council's whipping boys as a matter of political obligation. As I now understand it, the Council's 'stand down' order apparently means 'bend over and take it.' I predict there will be more retirements and resignations from the force and more crime in the streets. That sounds like a bad thing to me, but what do I know. I'm just a cop."

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