IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 18, 2020 Edition

Kelly Campaign Spokesman Apologizes

T.J. L'Heureux, Arizona Democratic Senate candidate Mark Kelly's deputy press secretary, called police "worthless f–ing pigs" in a tweet posting. This week, under pressure from the campaign, he apologized saying "I deeply regret my comment and apologize for what I wrote. My comment does not reflect who I am or what I believe. I have deleted the tweet."

Afterward L'Heureux lamented what he called "the disturbing trend in our society that forces a person to have to apologize for his personal opinions. It's not as if I was tweeting something that any loyal Democrat would disagree with, but the climate of hate incited by Republicans is stifling free speech in an unprecedented way."

The Deputy Press Secretary went on to point out that "Twitter did not block my tweet nor lock my account for this so-called offensive remark. I admit that I am encouraged that the concept of free speech is still respected in some quarters. I look forward to a Democratic victory across-the-board that will solidify the kind of open exchange of ideas that Twitter bravely defends in these perilous times."

Dem Activist Redefines "Morally Acceptable Actions"

In contrast to the reactions expressed by most of the villains exposed by Project Veritas, Kristopher Jacks, a member of the executive committee of the Colorado Democratic Party, stood by his assertion that "I am going to do everything morally acceptable to win. I will lie. I will cheat. I will steal. Because that's morally acceptable in this political environment."

Jacks defended intentional dishonesty by contending that "the right wing has a monopoly right now on strong, violent rhetoric, but we, like Lenin and Mao did, have an army of activists ready to take to the streets and topple the government that resists the progressive transformation of this country. I'm talking about killing the f***ing Billionaires and anyone else who gets in the way. We'll drag them out of their homes and decapitate them with guillotines."

Jacks said he is "confident that Biden will be on-board. He will follow our agenda if he knows what's good for him. We know where he lives. If he or any other so-called moderate Democrat gives us any trouble they will face harsh repercussions. The revolution is for real. We are not afraid to spill blood if that's what it takes."

Pelosi Calls Wolf Blitzer "Republican Apologist"

Jealous of all the attention Joe Biden is getting for being the most mentally unfit presidential candidate ever, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) went on a tirade while being interviewed by CNN's Wolf Blitzer, accusing him and his network colleagues of "always being an apologists for the Republican position."

The blow-up occurred after Blitzer asked her "to look Americans in the eye and explain why you don't want to accept the president's latest stimulus offer. Other Democrats like Rep. Ro Khanna (Calif) and former presidential candidate Anrew Yang, are saying that given the harm inflicted by the shutdowns many of those out-of-work during the pandemic really need some assistance. Wouldn't a compromise be the kind thing to do?"

"With all due respect you really don't know what you're talking about," Pelosi countered. "And neither do any of those renegade Democrats you so like to cite. Who are you to say what's kind? If all those out-of-work people would've been smart they would have stocked up on ice cream like I did. Just because they didn't why should I be blamed for using them as pawns in my power struggle with the President? You would be able to see that if you weren't constantly defending the Trump Administration all this time."

In related news, Pelosi also denounced a New York Times story reporting that "experts are saying, with genuine confidence, that the pandemic in the United States will be over far sooner than they expected" and that "Trump's efforts have worked with remarkable efficiency." "It is shocking to see a major newspaper dare to publish something as vile as this," she said with disgust. "I used to think the Times was on our side, but this story has made me realize I was duped. They are more clever and devious than I ever could've imagined."

California GOP Given "Cease and Desist" Order

California Secretary of State Alex Padilla (D) issued a "cease and desist" order to the Republican Party citing their "unauthorized attempt to engage in ballot harvesting." Republicans have established "ballot drop-off boxes at various locations around the state to make it easier for busy voters to ensure that their votes will be delivered to the polls for them," said Hector Barajas, a spokesman for the California GOP.

"Hector may think he's being cute, but as he and the rest of his gang of miscreants well know, we have awarded an exclusive $35 million contract to have all ballot harvesting be handled by SKD Knickerbocker, a Washington, D.C.-based public affairs firm," Padilla said. "Anita Dunn, the firm's managing director, is a senior strategist for Biden's presidential campaign and clearly has the experience and motivation we are seeking in this most hectic and confusing election cycle. What's even worse is that many of the GOP ballot boxes are located in churches—the very places Gov. Newsom has been trying to shutdown to fight the spread of COVID."

"While Sec. Padilla may be reassured by this firm's credentials, we are not," Jessica Millan Patterson, chairwoman of the California Republican Party said. "The fact that the company selected to do the ballot harvesting is so obviously partisan is a clear conflict of interest. Even State Controller Betty Yee, who happens to be a Democrat, says Padilla had no authority to issue the contract."

Padilla was not swayed by the criticism. "When the Republicans are in control of state government—as if that'll ever happen again—they can run things their way," Padilla mocked. "Until then we'll do things our way. I will be instructing poll workers to destroy any votes turned in by Republican ballot harvesters."

Penn Gov Rules by Decree

In a move to implement what he characterized as "a more efficient form of government," Gov. Tom Wolf (D-Penn) has signed on to a multi-state Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative (RGGI) agreement that will result in higher taxes on the state's inhabitants. This bypasses the state constitution's delegation of the taxing power to the legislature.

Wolf explained that "we are in a climate crisis. Waiting for the legislature to act wastes precious time. Rather than let the people of Pennsylvania, the United States, and the world suffer while legislators dither is unacceptable."

For its part, a bipartisan majority of the legislature passed a bill explicitly prohibiting the very action that Wolf has taken. Wolf vetoed this legislation, calling it "an unnecessary infringement on executive authority. In an emergency we must look to an active executive to solve the problems that a diverse legislature cannot handle. I am that 'active executive' and will continue to do what I think is best regardless of what anybody else thinks as long as I am the governor of this state."

State Sen. Gene Yaw (R-23rd District) challenged Wolf's assertion that his unilateral action is warranted by pointing out that "Pennsylvania has already reduced carbon emissions at a greater pace than what the RGGI states have achieved since they began in 2009. This was all accomplished without a government mandate and at great savings to consumers."

"Savings on utility bills are the exact opposite of what is needed to wean consumers off of fossil fuels," the Governor argued. "If energy is cheap and plentiful people will never do what we want them to do. The pain we inflict today is a necessary step in the Green New Deal this country needs to adopt. If legislators disapprove they can try to impeach me, but I'll veto that too."

Ironically, a report titled Energy and Climate Policy – An Evaluation of Climate Change Expenditure 2011-2018 published in the scientific journal Energies found that "renewable energy is cripplingly expensive, hopelessly unreliable, massacres wildlife, destroys landscapes, destabilizes the grid, harms indigenous peoples, and causes climate change."

Biden Defends Son's Business Acumen

In an overheard private chat after the conclusion of ABC's town hall with Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, George Stephanopoulos wondered if "there's anything to the whole Hunter email thing? I've seen lot's of commentary, some of it severely critical. What's your take on it—off-the-record of course."

"It's already been debunked," Biden replied. "Twitter and Facebook have stricken it from the record. Nobody believes a word of it. Period."

"Well, what about the $10 million a year for 'introductions' deal?" Stephanopoulos asked. "That seems a lot of money. Who was Hunter introducing to who?"

"What a lot of people don't realize is that Hunter is a genius when it comes to business," Biden answered. "In that context, the $10 million deal makes sense. Hunter knows a lot of important people. I can see why the Chinese government and business officials would want him to open doors for them. Since the favors they were seeking added up to billions of dollars the 'finders fee' they paid him isn't unreasonable. I mean, how many business partners have the Vice-President of the United States for a father?

"Now that I've heard you explain it, it does seem like a lot of hubbub over nothing," Stephanopoulos agreed. "Obviously, the Chinese would expect to benefit in a major way from having access to key people in the Obama Administration. And I can see how a closer relationship between the two countries might result. Do you think Hunter deserves more appreciation for his efforts? Should he get a Nobel Peace Prize?"

"Nah, Hunter's too humble for that," Biden insisted. "He's content to remain a private citizen—earning a living, taking care of his family. He relishes his privacy and wishes to avoid publicity. One of my key jobs as president will be to ensure that he is not bothered by further pesky intrusions."

Meanwhile, the FBI is said to be considering charging the computer repairman who uncovered the trove of Hunter Biden's emails after Biden neglected to pay for the repairs even when repeatedly asked to do so. "As we see it, Mr. Isaac has revealed information that is damaging the reputation of an important public figure," Director Christopher Wray declared. "Protecting public figures from scandal is one of our most crucial public services. We warned Isaac not to disclose this information to anyone. We were able to hide this scandal since we seized the computer in December of last year. But now the scandal has been published in a major newspaper and a lot of inconvenient questions are being asked. If Isaac had remained silent we could have resolved the situation quietly and no one would have ever known anything about these unfortunate events."

Biden Renounces Support of Happy Americans

Apprised of Gallup poll results showing that 56% of voters say they are better off than they were during the Obama Administration's last year, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden advised these people "not to vote for me. Such a belief is a warning sign of mental deficiency. These people shouldn't be voting. They'll just muck up the results."

"I know polls show that only a third of Americans rated the economy as good or excellent during the Obama years and that nearly two-thirds said this about the Trump years, but to me the Obama years were great years," Biden insisted. "Everybody knows that. It's Trump that's driven the economy into a ditch."

"Since Trump came into office millions have gotten off of food stamps," Biden pointed out. "Millions have been forced into the workforce where they've had to sacrifice the leisure time they enjoyed when Obama was president for the commercial rat-race. This year when Democratic governors across the nation tried to reestablish freedom from work during the pandemic, Trump argued for opening up businesses and sending people back to work. In my mind, having to work to support yourself is a drag. Democrats have been striving to end this wage-slavery since the days of FDR. Anyone who can't see that and pull the lever for a straight Democratic ticket in the voting booth isn't competent to cast a ballot."

The Penn Wharton Budget Model at the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School of Business predicts that more than 80% of US households will experience a tax increase under the policies proposed by the Biden-Harris platform. Asked about this by ABC News chief Washington correspondent Jonathan Karl, Biden contended that "the value everyone will reap from an expanded federal government under my administration will far outweigh the additional tax burden. The key will be supplanting inefficient private uses of money with high-powered socially responsible government spending. This will raise the people's happiness level to previously unseen heights especially if we combine it with Keith Olbermann's suggestion that Trump supporters be removed from society."

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