IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 6, 2020 Edition

Allegations of Vote Fraud Rebutted

In Nevada, despite it being illegal to offer anything of value in exchange for voting, officials from the Reno-Sparks Indian Colony were videoed offering gift cards, bracelets, necklaces, earrings, T-shirts, and masks to Indians who voted. "This was a normal get-out-the-vote activity," said RSIC spokeswoman Bethany Sam in an interview standing next to a Biden-Harris campaign bus wearing a Biden-Harris face mask. "We didn't tell anyone who to vote for and didn't ask anyone who they voted for." Jacqueline De León, staff attorney for the Native American Rights Fund, maintains that "Ms Sam's statement clearly proves that no law was violated."

In Georgia, a video shows Democrat poll workers pulling cases of votes from under a table after GOP poll watchers were sent away. Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger acknowledged that "some ballots were counted unlawfully and in secret. Yes, the GOP poll watchers were unnecessarily sent home for what turned out to be a minor water leak, but can we really condemn the brave Democrats who at great risk to themselves stayed on an continued the work? I think not. Besides, at this point all the ballots counted in the video have been mixed in with all the legitimate ballots. There's no way to separate out the unlawfully counted ones. So we can't determine whether the secretly counted votes were for Trump or Biden. The election will have to stand as is."

In Minnesota, a witness made a sworn affidavit declaring that he saw "a busload of severely mentally handicapped people who were forced by handlers to vote for Joe Biden. The handlers literally held the handicapped person's hand in theirs and marked the ballot for them." State Attorney General Keith Ellison (D) dismissed this evidence, calling it "inconclusive. Perhaps the handicapped voters were whispering their choices to the handlers. After all, it makes sense that a mentally-challenged voter would want to vote for the mentally-challenged presidential candidate. And even if they didn't whisper, the person helping them would likely surmise that it was in that person's best interest to cast their ballot for Biden. So, no harm, no foul."

In Michigan, nearly a thousand witnesses have made sworn statements that they personally observed vote fraud. State Representative Cynthia Johnson (D) called these witnesses "a bunch of liars. Every election official has assured me that there was no fraud. Every media outlet I have seen says there was no fraud." Reminded that lying in sworn testimony is perjury, Johnson remained adamant in her trust of government officials and the media, saying "the opinions of important people have to be given more weight than the ravings of lunatics."

In Pennsylvania, Jesse Morgan, a truck driver for a subcontractor with the United States Postal Service, says he drove a trailer containing an estimated 288,000 ballots from Bethpage, New York to Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Secretary of State Kathy Boockvar (D) insisted that "there's nothing odd about this. The whole point of mail-in ballots is that the voter doesn't have to appear in-person to vote. New York and Pennsylvania share a long border. Pennsylvanians often cross that border for business or pleasure. It's not inconceivable to me that 288,000 could've have been in Bethpage, New York when they mailed in their ballots."

In Arizona, Maricopa County GOP chairwoman Linda Brickman testified before members of the Arizona State Legislature that she "personally observed votes for President Donald Trump being tallied as votes for Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden when input into Dominion machines. When I brought this to the attention of election supervisors others in the room also commented that they had witnessed the same manipulation." Secretary of State Katie Hobbs (D) characterized Brickman's testimony as "delusional" and contended that corroboration by others "is a case of mass hysteria of the kind we've come to expect from Trump's neo-Nazi base of supporters."

In Washington DC, Attorney General Bill Barr issued a statement admitting that "it sure looks like there was a lot of 'hank-panky' going on with those after-hours ballot dumps. However, at this point, the bogus ballots are all mixed in with the legal ballots, so there's no way to tell whether the bogus ballots favored Trump or Biden. Obviously, a crime has been committed, but we have no way to determine who the guilty parties are. For better or worse, we'll just have to let the tallies stand where they are and accept Joe Biden as the nation's next president. I hope the people of America understand that the FBI did their best to investigate this and unify behind our next president as he carries out the mandate he received from the vote counters."

Seattle May Decriminalize Crime

The Seattle City Council is considering a measure that would provide exemption from prosecution for any person who suffers from poverty, homelessness, addiction, or mental illness. In 2019 persons in these classifications accounted for 25,993 thefts, 8,442 assaults, 6,430 property offenses, 4,194 frauds, 3,910 trespasses, and 1,640 narcotics violations. Nearly all of those crimes would have been permitted under the proposed new ordinance.

Lisa Herbold, the city councilwoman who proposed the legislation, argued that "these unfortunate people who have been victims of society deserve the right to extract just compensation without fear of further punishment. And since these types of crimes constitute over 70% of the crimes committed in the City making the perpetrators immune from prosecution will lighten the workload of our police department, courts, and jails. With the money we save we can provide a lot of free stuff that should mitigate their misery and ultimately reduce their need to commit crimes just to survive."

Schiff Opposes Special Counsel

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) announced his opposition to Attorney General William Barr's appointment of John Durham as special counsel, calling it "politically motivated. Just when we are on the brink of freeing the country from the oppression Trump unleashed during his four years of tyranny, I cannot abide ensconcing one of his henchmen in a position to terrorize innocent people."

Schiff also sought to distinguish this special counsel from the appointment of Robert Mueller as special counsel to investigate Trump's collusion with Russia. "Back then the nation had suffered the calamity of seeing the most qualified candidate to ever run for president be narrowly defeated by an unqualified Donald Trump," Schiff said. "The threat to the nation was extreme. Getting the highly experienced and dedicated former FBI Director Robert Mueller on-board to counter this threat was imperative. Now, within a few weeks of the inauguration of the beloved Joe Biden as president there is no need for a special counsel to stir up trouble. It is a time for healing."

Newsom Defies Supreme Court

After Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) got away with ignoring the US Supreme Court's rebuke of his violation of religious liberty, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) has decided he, too, will ignore the Court.

"I understand that the Court thinks they are doing the right thing, but let me point out that our Constitution is set up to protect life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness," the Governor recalled. "In this list life comes before liberty. In fact, without life there is no chance for liberty. By cracking down on church attendance I am saving the lives of millions of Californians. The sacrifice of their religious liberty is a reasonable price to pay for that."

The restrictions Newsom has placed on religious activities are stricter than those placed on sporting events, riots, or movie productions, a distinction Newsom justifies on economic grounds. "These other activities bring money into the state," he pointed out. "Even the riots create jobs rebuilding damaged structures and replacing stolen merchandise. In contrast, a lot of the money contributed at church goes overseas to help out people in other countries. Donations are also tax deductible. This hurts the state's budget. So, there are good reasons supporting my actions."

The Governor complained that "the constant criticism and disobedience of my directives is extremely annoying. You know, in Korea Kim Jong-Un is executing those who don't follow his COVID protocols. I think the people living in California need to realize that things could be worse and probably will get worse if they don't change their attitude."

Medical Murder Gains New Tools

The policy of terminating the lives of the "hopelessly demented" in the Netherlands has often been difficult when patients objected to being put to death. Now, thanks to the Regional Euthanasia Review Committee (RTE), physicians will be allowed to "sedate patients who are agitated or excessively aggressive in fighting for their lives."

Additionally, the RTE has determined that "it is not necessary for the doctor to agree with the patient concerning the time or manner in which euthanasia will be given. Doctors should have the right to use the element of surprise to overwhelm any resistance to the procedure."

These "reforms" were inspired by a case in which Dr. Marinou Arends was tried for murder after sedating her patient and having her husband and daughter hold her down while she was injected with poison. While the patient had previously stated that she didn't want to live on in a decrepit state, she had also reserved the right to decide when the time was right for her to die.

Jacob Kohnstamm, chairman of the euthanasia review committee said "once the patient has expressed the wish to not live after she loses her wits there is no time like the present to get on with the procedure. Rather than extend an unwanted life and endure all the expenses it entails, society is better off with a speedy termination. A surreptitious sedation bypasses last minute second thoughts and clears a bed for the next patient."

Twitter Allows Doctored Photo

While the folks at Twitter aggressively label or censor tweets posted by conservatives, they were remarkably tolerant toward a tweet by Zhao Lijian, a Foreign Ministry spokesperson for the Chinese Government, that featured a doctored photo of an Australian soldier threatening a young boy with a knife. Rather than labeling this tweet as "misinformation" or censoring it, they tagged it as "potentially sensitive content."

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey defended his moderators, pointing out that "we can't be sure that the event depicted didn't occur. As long as it cannot be proven that it did not occur freedom of speech dictates that it must be allowed. Given the relative economic importance of China to our bottom line, especially when compared to Australia, I see no reason to upset our best customer because one of its nationals freely expressed his opinion."

Bill to Outlaw "Castle Doctrine"

In Texas, State Representative Terry Meza (D-Irving) has introduced HB196. Her bill would repeal the state's "castle doctrine." This doctrine allows a homeowner to use deadly force against an armed intruder who breaks into his home.

"I'm not saying that stealing is okay," Meza explained. "All I'm saying is that it doesn't warrant a death penalty. Thieves only carry weapons for self-protection and to provide the householder an incentive to cooperate. They just want to get their loot and get away. When the resident tries to resist is when people get hurt. If only one side is armed fewer people will be killed."

Meza was quick to reassure that her bill "would not totally prevent homeowners from defending themselves. Under the new law the homeowner's obligation is to flee the home at the first sign of intrusion. If fleeing is not possible he must cooperate with the intruder. But if violence breaks out it is the homeowner's responsibility to make sure no one gets hurt. The best way to achieve this is to use the minimum non-lethal force possible because intruders will be able to sue for any injuries they receive at the hands of the homeowner."

"In most instances the thief needs the money more than the homeowner does," Meza reasoned. "The homeowner's insurance we reimburse his losses. On balance, the transfer of property is likely to lead to a more equitable distribution of wealth. If my bill can help make this transfer a peaceful one so much the better."

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