IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 10, 2021 Edition

Biden Says "Trump Incited Insurrection"

After the "Stop the Steal" rally held in Washington DC on Wednesday, thousands of those who attended walked over to the Capitol to protest the acceptance of electoral votes obtained by election fraud. As hundreds of shrieking congressmen cowered under their desks a police officer shot an unarmed protester trying to enter the chamber where the debate initiated by formal challenges to some of the electoral votes was getting underway.

President-Elect Joe Biden characterized the protest as an insurrection and blamed Trump "for inciting what history will come to be called the worst threat to democracy this country has ever seen as hordes of domestic terrorists terrorized Congress."

Trump's actual parting words to rally participants were "I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capitol building to peacefully and patriotically make your voices heard. Today, we will see whether Republicans stand strong for integrity of our elections."

Still, Biden insisted "everyone knows that 'peaceful protests' are code words for rioting, looting, and arson. Since protesters burned down sections of Minneapolis, Seattle, and Portland in the Spring and Summer of last year it is obvious that anyone urging people to peacefully protest is secretly instructing them to cause mayhem. Luckily, a marksman's single shot was able to thwart the intended rioting, looting and arson that Trump intended to spark. Trump must be punished for sending his message of insurrection to the crowd."

Twitter Bans Trump

After getting word that some of the people who went to protest at the capitol were not entirely peaceful and respectful toward members of Congress, Trump urged all his supporters to "go home in peace." Twitter cited this tweet as a rationale for permanently banning Trump from his Twitter account.

As CEO Jack Dorsey explained "the meme being broadcast by the media is that Trump goaded his supporters to terrorize the federal government in order to seize control and overthrow our democracy. His 'go home in peace' tweet falsely contradicts this meme. We cannot allow our platform to be used in an attempt to undermine the narrative that all decent people must hold to be true."

Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) hailed Twitter's decision to censor Trump, saying it is "in the interest of our national security and public safety. The divisive Trump era is over. It is time for the nation to unify behind our new president. Permitting dissident opinions to continue to be aired works against the kind of unity of thought and deed that must be the standard going forward. If Trump is allowed to try to portray himself as a man of peace the people of America might get confused about what they should believe. Remember, freedom of speech is not an absolute right. We must always be on the lookout for dangerous ideas and block their dissemination."

Biden Favors Quick Dispersal of Vaccines

Chiding the Trump Administration's plan for distributing the COVID vaccines too slowly, President-Elect Joe Biden promised to "step on the gas pedal." Since the vaccines currently available seem to require two shots per patient for optimal effectiveness, the Trump Administration has been reserving the second shots in order to ensure that they can complete the immunizing protocol.

"Look, we are able to send out stimulus checks even though the federal government is trillions of dollars in debt," Biden said. "Republicans are always scared that there won't be money to fund necessary expenditures. Now they are scared that there won't be enough doses of vaccine. Democrats have always had faith that where there is a will there is a way. If we simply commit to vaccinating everybody we can make it happen."

According to Biden insiders, the new Chief Executive wants to use "those air cannons they have at basketball games to shoot t-shirts into the crowd." He says "it's both a fair and fast method. Everyone in the crowd has a shot at grabbing a shirt launched in his direction and dozens of shirts can be delivered in just the few minutes during timeouts in the game. Then play resumes. Why can't we have roving medical crews who can wade into crowds and inject dozens of people in just a few minutes?"

While Biden's staff consider the idea impractical they say they are working on an animated video of Biden's envisioned delivery method as a means of placating him. "He is very fond of cartoons and we think if he sees his idea in a cartoon he will think we are carrying out his plan."

Professor Calls for Election Investigation

Prof. Jonathan Turley, a constitutional scholar and longtime Democrat, has called for a "thorough, no holds barred investigation of the 2020 presidential election."

Turley says that "while I don't personally believe the election was stolen, the fact that tens of millions of voters do is cause for concern. Rather than telling these people to shut up and sit down, I think it would better serve the quest for unity if all the claimed evidence cited by Trump and his supporters could be carefully examined in a fully transparent and open process."

"Contrary to media claims, these claims have not really been proven 'baseless,'" Turley pointed out. "A court refusing to hear these claims on the grounds of 'lack of standing' or 'laches' says nothing about the veracity of the claimed evidence. More than 1,000 witnesses to alleged fraud have made out sworn affidavits. This is evidence. It merits further examination to ascertain its worth. The use of unprecedented quantities of poorly monitored and controlled mail-in ballots—many of which were, in fact, not mailed at all but left in unsecured drop boxes—raises legitimate questions. Differing signature verification procedures—strict for in-person voting and lax or nonexistent for mail-in ballots—are discriminatory."

"The issue of election integrity is crucial to making democracy work," Turley argued. "Tolerating fraud because the outcome suits our political preferences extinguishes democracy and replaces it with kleptocracy. Those who govern under such a system aren't those chosen by the people. They are merely those most skilled at corruption. The cherished freedoms of an open society cannot be entrusted to persons of such poor ethical caliber. We need to examine the evidence and prove whether Biden was legitimately elected or not. This is the only way we can earn the voters' trust and preserve our republic going forward."

Dems Want to Punish Republicans

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) is drafting articles of impeachment against President Trump. "People ask me why I'm going to the trouble," Omar said. "They say he lost the election and has agreed to transfer power to Biden on January 20th. But Trump has also said that he will never stop trying to make America great. If we simply let him leave he will be free to do that. We need to drive a stake through the heart of this monster. If we impeach him we can bar him from ever seeking office again."

"A little more than two years ago Rep. Maxine Waters advised that we need to tell Trump and his supporters that they're not welcome anymore, anywhere," Omar recalled. "Well, both Iran and Iraq have asked that Trump be turned over to them so he can be prosecuted for murdering Iranian Gen. Qassem Soleimani last year. We are hoping that President Biden will order Trump's arrest and extradition to one of these countries where he can be tried and punished for his crimes against humanity."

Rep. Cori Bush (D-MO) is taking aim at Republican legislators who supported Trump. "It is not enough to just get rid of Trump," she said. "The millions who voted for him remain a continuing threat. I say we start showing who's the new boss by expelling members of the House who refuse to vote for his impeachment. They need to learn that they can vote the way we tell them to or they can say goodbye to all their perks as a congressperson."

Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-Miss) is urging the Department of Homeland Security to put Trump supporters on the no fly list. "We need to hobble the mobility of these domestic terrorists before they overthrow the Biden government," he said. "We saw the damage done by the al Qaeda terrorists who had access to commercial air travel. We'd be fools not to nip the threat posed by Trumpists in the bud before anything bad happens."

NY Dem Wants to Ban Body Armor

New York Assembly Member Jonathan Jacobson (D-Newburgh) is sponsoring a bill that would outlaw the possession of body armor by any private person in the state.

Jacobson explained that "with millions of potential Trump-supporting insurrectionists residing in our state our law enforcement and national guard troops could be substantially outnumbered. The only edge we have is the body armor we can provide for our troops. To protect this edge we must immediately ban the possession of similar equipment by private persons."

Jacobson acknowledged that "there might be legitimate reasons for a person to want such protection. For some unknown reason shootings have dramatically increased this past year. I can see how a person who is unable to qualify for a gun permit might hope to purchase bulletproof clothing for self-defense. However, this personal need has to take a backseat to the more important goal of preventing the widespread possession equipment could enable opponents of the government to get the upper hand in any confrontation. We must do whatever is necessary to eliminate this possibility."

NY Dems Want COVID Detention Camps

New York State Assembly Member Noah Nicholas Perry (D-Brookyn) has introduced legislation that would authorize Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) to "order the detention of any person who poses an imminent and significant threat to the public health."

"The governor has issued numerous decrees ordering folks to stay home, shutdown their businesses, stay out of church, always wear a mask, and refrain from family gatherings involving nonresidents of the home," Perry said. "Most people obey, but there are recalcitrant types who complain that they have a right to live as they please. The fines we have been levying are ineffective when the targeted offender is already bankrupted by the loss of his job or business. By giving the governor the power to order their incarceration without the muss and fuss of having to go through a trial should significantly increase compliance among those who thought they had nothing to lose by flouting the Governor's directives."

"The camps are expected to focus on behavior modification," Perry explained. "The success of a progressive society is the unquestioning obedience of all for the good of all. Those who don't have the self-discipline to do this on their own will be helped by specially trained state personnel. Inmates who learn quickly can be released quickly. Inmates who don't can stay confined until they do learn their lesson."