IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 24, 2021

Trump Undermines Congressional Authority

Ordered to vacate the corridors of the Capitol building after Rep. Will Keating (D-MA) complained that he saw a couple of the National Guard troops at a Dunkin Donuts "without wearing the masks mandated by President Biden," former President Donald Trump's offer to let them hang out at his DC hotel incited House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) to add another charge to her impeachment case against him.

"Mr. Trump is no longer in charge of the federal government," Pelosi ranted. "He has no authority to offer accommodations of any sort to these troops. His doing so is further proof of his intention to undermine the rightful authority of the new Administration and Congress. The troops' violation of the mask decree was insubordination of the worst kind. Our relegation of these disloyal units to a parking garage was intended as a warning to others who might exhibit unacceptable levels of obedience and respect toward the nation's rulers."

"It seems clear that losing the election and facing a second impeachment for sending his supporters to ransack Congress and murder representatives and senators has not deterred this miscreant from further acts of sedition," Pelosi complained. "We need to add the charge of 'hostile hospitality' to our case for convicting Trump and forever blocking him from seeking public office anytime and anywhere."

A spokesman for the hotel characterized the offer of accommodation as "an expression of President Trump's respect for those who risk their lives to protect America. There were no strings attached. There was no political litmus test. Rather than see all of these National Guard soldiers forced to camp out on the oil-stained floors of a garage where hundreds of troops had to share a single small restroom, we offered respite to as many as could fit in our lobby because it is the humane and patriotic thing to do. We hope other hotels offer similar consideration toward these brave men and women."

After this insult, the governors of Florida, Texas, and New Hampshire have ordered National Guard troops from their states to return home. Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla) called the troops' banishment from the Capitol's corridors "petty and hysterical. These folks are soldiers. They served our country, all around the world, they've served our state after natural disasters, they're serving right now, helping with vaccinating senior citizens. Their tour of duty as props for the Democrats in DC is over. It's time for them to come home."

Meanwhile, President Biden was filmed violating his mask mandate at the Lincoln Memorial. White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki insisted that the violation was warranted "because he was celebrating his ascension to the presidency" and differentiated it from "the more troubling celebrations of ordinary persons that flout the COVID rules. The rules for hundreds of millions of common people need to be more stringent than the rules for the world's most powerful person. Under our new unity concept, it is the President's job to celebrate on behalf of everyone else. It is their job to vicariously share his joy."

Dem Says Corps Must Pressure Amnesty Opponents

Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) is calling for "our friends in the corporate community to make it clear that members of Congress who do not support amnesty for the tens of millions of undocumented immigrants in the country will not receive campaign donations, consulting fees, shares of stock, or cushy corporate jobs after retiring from politics."

"What they all need to understand is that this is a win-win situation for them and us," Menendez said. "We get more Democrat voters to help us maintain ownership of the government. They get an increased supply of cheap labor that will improve their profits and enable them to enjoy the same kind of favorable terms with their workforce that Chinese companies currently enjoy."

The Senator cautioned against "allowing opponents to define the intent as 'amnesty.' Polls show a majority of Americans dislike the idea of amnesty, especially given the huge number of citizens who are unemployed due to the COVID pandemic. Republicans will try to push the idea that unemployed Americans should be given preference in hiring, but this will only drive up labor costs for your businesses. Make the case for global equity—that the foreigners we allow into this country are poorer than the American workers they displace and that it is fairer for Americans to adjust their incomes and lifestyles down to a level more on a par with the rest of the world. This is the wider scope of the unity that President Biden and the Democratic Party is trying to achieve."

Post Ends "Fact-Checking" Program

The Washington Post announced that it is ending its "fact-checking" program. Glenn Kessler, an editor and chief fact-checker cited "the lack of need for such a program under the new administration."

"During the four years Trump was president there were more than 30,000 instances where he made misleading or false statements that cried out for corrections by our staff," Kessler asserted. "During this same time span there wasn't a single instance in which a statement by Joe Biden, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, or any other prominent Democrat was found to be untrue. The elevation of Sen. Charles Schumer, a man of unquestioned integrity, to Majority Leader gives us even more confidence that there won't be anything for us to have to fact-check for the next four years."

"As everyone knows, the financial status of our newspaper has been precarious," Kessler admitted. "We endured the expense of fact-checking Trump because it was the right thing to do. Avoiding this expense during the Biden years is also the right thing to do. Besides, with Facebook and Twitter now taking on the responsibility for censoring incorrect ideas on their platforms we're confident that misleading and false statements are endangered species. Rather than having to go to the trouble of rebutting these evils they will simply and more efficiently be blocked from infecting the brains of the naive and deplorable segments of the population."

Ex-CIA Chief Says Biden Will Crush Trump-Supporting Traitors

Former CIA Director John Brennan says he is "looking forward to the extermination of the Trump threat to our democracy. Trump may think that being voted out means he will be left alone. He won't. Trump's voters may think that casting a ballot for this criminal is their right. It's not."

"Right now, my inside sources tell me that under Biden's leadership the intelligence community has been given carte blanche to use whatever means necessary to root out and destroy this cadre of domestic terrorists before they can do any further harm," Brennan giddily bragged. "I would not be surprised to see casualties in the millions—like there were in Russia when Stalin crushed the Revolution's disloyal saboteurs."

Court Blocks Coerced Transgender Surgery

United States District Court Chief Judge Peter Welte blocked the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) from enforcing an Obamacare mandate that requires all medical professionals to perform gender transition services.

"Given that there are plenty of doctors who are ready, willing, and able to perform transgender surgeries, there is no valid reason for coercing those who object to performing such procedures on religious or conscience grounds. The notion that any surgeon needs to be compelled to engage in what he or she considers to be either sacrilegious or destructive mutilation defies logic and morality. The results of compelling unwilling doctors to perform this surgery are likely to be unsatisfactory to the aspiring gender changer."

Xavier Becerra, who has been nominated by President Biden to lead HHS, vowed that "this judge's decision will not stand. In the unified America the Biden Administration is trying to build it is everyone's duty to fulfill the role assigned to him or her by the President and the Party. The role assigned to me is to ensure that every jot and tittle of the Obamacare regulations is fully enforced. The mandates of the Affordable Care Act are not optional. Health care consumers are entitled to complete coverage and the unconstrained choice of practitioners. No health care provider has any cause to refuse to provide the requested service. An opinion that the requested service is unwise or unhealthy cannot override the patient's demand that it be provided by the surgeon of his or her choice."

Biden Reinstates Slush Fund

President Biden has instructed the Department of Justice (DOJ) to reinstate the "slush fund" used by the Obama Administration to funnel funds to political friends. The slush fund arose from settlements between the federal government and corporate wrongdoers. Rather than use the money to compensate the victims of corporate misdeeds or turn the money over to the treasury, the Obama DOJ handed cash out to its favored left-wing political allies. An estimated total of $650 million was dispersed in this manner during the two Obama terms.

The slush fund was terminated during the Trump Administration by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who called it "an improper diversion of money. Handouts to political allies should come from freely donated campaign funds, not by shafting the victims of corporate misconduct."

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki maintains that "the President has every right to direct that the judgments negotiated by his appointees to settle liability issues be paid to whomever he pleases. Rewarding groups that have supported his election is a vital tool for encouraging the nation to unify behind the new administration. If groups like Antifa and Black Lives Matter know that they might get paid if they stop burning down neighborhoods and behave themselves we can avoid the disruptions that Trump's condemnation of these groups' actions that failed to deter or moderate the grievances that drove them to lash out at innocent bystanders this past year. Offering cash for peace demonstrates President Biden's pragmatic approach to defusing tensions."

Pelosi Criticizes Pro-Lifers' "Warped Values"

In a podcast with Hillary Clinton, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) sharply criticized opponents of abortion. "First they helped Trump win the 2016 presidential election because he promised to protect the lives of unborn babies," she said. "Now that voters have massively elected the most pro-choice president in American history, pro-lifers stubbornly resist the unity our nation so desperately needs."

"It is one thing to privately hold onto warped values out of loyalty to out-dated concepts of morality," the Speaker contended. "It is quite another to resist the new reality. In a democracy the determination of what is right or wrong is decided by majority rule. Continued agitation against what the majority has determined is right is insurrection."

"Some of the more fervid members of our Democratic Caucus are advocating reeducation camps to help people overcome the tyranny of incorrect thoughts," Pelosi said. "They point out that other progressive societies have successfully used such methods to unify their populations into the conformity necessary for harmonious interaction with fellow citizens. The ideal utopia was succinctly portrayed many years ago in Ayn Rand's short novel Anthem where the word and concept 'I' was totally expunged from society. I think this goal is now within our reach. It's just a question of whether we have the will to bring it about."

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