IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 7, 2021 Edition

Biden Energy Decrees Benefit China

The Biden Administration's shift away from fossil fuels and toward so-called clean energy will boost China's economy at the expense of the US economy. China currently controls 60% of the solar industry's supply chain. Killing the Keystone Pipeline and canceling drilling permits on federal land will increase America's dependence on Chinese sources for the much-heralded "renewable" energy sources.

Michael Regan, President Biden's nominee to head the EPA, acknowledged this shift, but insisted that "it will be good for both countries. First, as customers for their clean-energy products we will build bonds that discourage China from taking hostile actions against us. Second, the pollution resulting from using fossil fuels to manufacture these products will remain mostly in China."

John Kerry, former Vietnam War hero, US Senator, Secretary of State for the Obama Administration, and Climate Envoy for the Biden Administration, called the policy of killing fossil fuels and switching to renewables a "no brainer. We will get clean air and China will bear the brunt of the pollution." Asked about the fate of energy workers in America who have or will ultimately lose their jobs, Kerry suggested that "they can get jobs manufacturing solar panels."

Kerry was undaunted by the fact that the bulk of the solar panel manufacturing jobs will be in China, saying "maybe we can work out a deal where some of our displaced pipeline or fracking workers will be allowed to work in Chinese factories." Reminded that the wages in China's factories are far lower than the wages lost by the laid off Keystone Pipeline workers, Kerry quickly pointed out that "the cost of living in China is far lower than the cost of living here. Besides, the idea that American workers should enjoy a standard of living that is far out of line with workers in other parts of the world is what voters rejected when they voted against Trump. The days of 'America first' are over. Americans must get used to living more simple lives. The Biden Administration will ensure that all people get what they need rather than what they want."

Military to Be Purged of Disloyal Elements

Incoming Biden Administration Secretary of Defense Lloyd J. Austin III is ordering all military personnel to "stand down while we conduct a thorough evaluation of the fitness to serve of everyone currently in uniform. It appears that several of the January 6th insurrectionists were former soldiers or sailors. Though there is no evidence of widespread disloyalty thus far, we can't afford to be taken by surprise. All are suspect until we can prove otherwise." The "thorough evaluation" is expected to include political affiliation, voting behavior, social media posts, public comments, and tattoos.

"To those who say we are being paranoid let me point out that nearly half the voters in this country voted for Trump—the man who instigated the attack on the Capitol building and the attempt to kill Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez," Austin said. "I'd rather have half an army if that's what is necessary to oust all the traitors from the ranks. At least that way troops loyal to the President wouldn't have to fear being stabbed in the back."

To replenish the ranks after the purge, Rep. Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) is recommending that "we should look among the people who led the successful assaults on Minneapolis, Seattle, and Portland last year. Against heavily-armed racist police, individuals were able to smash through barricades, besiege the fascists in their own fortresses, burn down a police precinct, and declare an autonomous zone. These are the kind of fighters we need to ensure that progressive government is safe from its many enemies, both foreign and domestic."

Schools Must Let Boys Compete in Girls' Sports

Under questioning from Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken), Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona defended the Biden Administration's policy of expanding transgender rights in the nation's public schools.

"Qualms about boys competing against girls don't apply to situations where the so-called boys are actually transgendered girls," Cardona said. "First, many of those who want to compete in girls' sports can't make the boys' teams. They're too weak, too slow, or just not good enough. Letting those who can't make the boys' teams try their luck with the girls' teams is a fair way of boosting their self-confidence."

"Second, letting these individuals shower with the girls is a good way to test their commitment to making the transition," Cardona argued. "They get a close up view of what their bodies will look like after sex-change surgery and hormone therapy. Allowing biological males into their space is a way for girls to help boys who are uncertain to decide whether to go all the way or to just settle for being an effeminate male."

"In the future it is our hope to become the first society in which gender is a choice that everyone can make for themselves," Cardona boasted. "No longer will a person living in America be stuck in a randomly imposed sex that he or she despises. We have the means to grant everyone the opportunity to live as the person he or she wants to be. The President has ordered us to make this the new reality. Schools, parents with daughters, all right-thinking people must unify behind this cause."

Biden: "The Heedless Prosperity of the Trump Era Is Over"

Old "lunch bucket Joe," the President who fancies himself a champion of the working man warned of "the dark years to come" under his leadership.

"It was easy for Trump to lower US unemployment to levels not seen in more than 50 years because he put the individual's well-being ahead of the collective survival of the world," President Biden said at a meeting with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and other House Democrats in the Oval Office. "We Democrats have a different view on this issue."

Biden said "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the heedless prosperity of the Trump era is over. It's time for all Americans to make the personal sacrifices needed to implement the Green New Deal. In some cases this will mean giving up high-paying jobs in industries that are polluting the planet. This is what we are obligated to do under the Paris Accords. We realize that the pollution reductions achieved by doing this will be more than overwhelmed by the rising pollution in places like China and India. But it's their turn to prosper and our turn to suffer."

China to Require Licenses for Political Comments

Concerned that dissenting views could undermine the nation's unity, the Communist Party decreed that a government issued license be obtained by anyone wishing to comment on politics, economics, the military, diplomacy, and other major news on social media.

Minister of Information Technology Xiao Yaqing explained that "the development of social media has enabled virtually anyone to communicate with millions of others without the intervention of editors and censors. Unfortunately, too many individuals have abused this opportunity to promulgate unapproved ideas and opinions. We now find it necessary to introduce a license requirement to the system. This will allow the government to scrutinize the political reliability of those it permits to post commentary on current affairs on social media."

Xiao estimated that "very few will be licensed. Since the government provides all the information anyone requires on every important issue, I see little need to allow others to become involved in these matters. However, we are not tyrants. If a person can prove to us that what they have to say is worthy we may grant that person a license. For the unlicensed social media can return to its original purpose of providing a forum where people can talk about eating, drinking, and having fun."

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn) called the licensing idea "intriguing. China isn't the only place where ignorant, uninformed, and malicious people can spread lies and misinformation on social media. We have seen plenty of this kind of abuse of social media here in America. Trump supporters and Republicans repeatedly post falsehoods aimed at undermining the unity Democrats are trying to establish. Facebook and Twitter have had to patriotically and heroically tried to stem the tide of these falsehoods at great risk to themselves. Perhaps if Congress enacts a law or President Biden issues a decree that requires a person to be approved and licensed before being allowed to post comments on political issues, the debate on policy would be more harmonious and agreeable. As the President has often said, we can learn a lot about governance from our Chinese friends."

Columnist Demands Brady Be Kicked Out of NFL

USA Today sports columnist Nancy Armour wrote a column demanding to know why Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady hasn't been kicked out of the National Football League.

"Brady admits Trump is a friend of his," Armour pointed out. "He probably even voted for Trump. Now that Trump is under indictment for inciting his supporters to seize control of the government. Why is Brady still a free man? Clearly he is among the 75 million people President Biden has designated as domestic terrorists. What does it say about us as a nation that Brady is permitted to play in the most revered sporting event in the world?"

"Brady is the kind of person that Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) said shouldn't be welcome anywhere, anytime in our country," Armour recalled. "Other, lesser known Trump supporters have already been fired from their jobs. Why hasn't Brady been similarly dealt with? Until he is, I, for one, will be boycotting the Superbowl."

Biden Cancels SpaceX Test Flights

President Joe Biden has revoked permission that had been previously granted by the Federal Aviation Administration to Elon Musk's for his Starship prototype test.

Biden said the cancellation was necessary "because Hunter told me the Chinese government has granted exclusive rights to outer space to the company he is partners with. Venturing into this now forbidden zone would constitute an unnecessary provocation and lead to potentially hostile reactions against the United States. I think it is better to concede this relatively unimportant sector than to fight over it. Besides, Musk hires too many Americans and didn't support me when I was running for president. Why should I go to bat for him now?"

Biden is also said to be considering disbanding the Space Force established by Congress during the Trump Administration. Press Secretary Jen Psaki called the Space Force "a risky proposition in light of China's claim to own outer space. What's the sense in us having such a unit if they can't get off the planet without invading territory claimed by another government? Look what happened to the Nazi leaders after they invaded all those countries in Europe. I'm not surprised that Trump would court a similar disaster, but President Biden is too smart to make the same mistake."

Queried about the credibility of the claim that China owns outer space, Psaki replied that "President Biden says his son Hunter is the smartest guy he knows. Based on the election returns, I'd say that 80 million voters agree with the President on this. I know I'm not willing to take a chance that he is wrong. Are you? Are you not aware of what's been happening to people who don't have faith in President Biden? I'll circle back to you after you've had some time to reconsider your skepticism about the President's policies."