IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 14, 2021 Edition

Biden May Allow "Small July 4th Gatherings"

In his first prime time address to the nation President Joe Biden boosted American morale by promising "we may be able to allow small July 4th gatherings, but only if everyone behaves between now and then. This means get your vaccination, wear your mask, keep your distance, wash your hands, and wait for our permission to mingle with other appropriately obedient and deserving family members, friends, and neighbors."

The President cautioned that "we must not lapse into old habits of going where we want whenever we want and with whoever we choose. We have been advised by New York University medical ethics professor Arthur Caplan that we should deny normal freedoms to people who don't want to be vaccinated. This will give them a greater incentive to conform with what all our experts say people should do. Once everyone is vaccinated, the CDC will be giving us more detailed instructions regarding the freedoms we will and won't be permitted to exercise. Scofflaws must not be allowed to undermine the total unity we are trying to accomplish for America."

Bill Kristol, founder of the now defunct political magazine The Weekly Standard, ecstatically praised Biden's speech, calling it "the kind of lecture this country has desperately needed, but never got from Trump. The fatherly tone, the reminder to be good, and the promise of a treat for doing our chores was the classic in loco parentis role the people of America voted for when they chose to make Biden their next president last November."

Jason Alexander, the actor who portrayed lying chiseller George Costanza on the sit-com Seinfeld, credited Bedin's speech "for allowing me to sleep with a sense of ease and hope that I had not known during the dreadful four years of Donald Trump's presidency." Rob Reiner, the actor who played Archie Bunker's "meathead" son-in-law on the sit-com All in the Family, said "the speech moved me to tears."

In related news, Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) called concerns about Biden's mental competence "much ado about nothing. He's no worse than half the members of Congress. If he's unfit I'm unfit."

US Troops to Get Free Transgender Surgery

President Joe Biden issued an executive order authorizing free transgender surgery for all military personnel—both active duty and retired veterans. The surgery and follow-up lifelong hormone treatments can cost as much as $200,000 per patient. Biden called his action "both necessary from an equity standpoint and an augmentation of the unity my administration is determined to impose on this country."

Press Secretary Jen Psaki rebuffed both critics' contentions that it is not the taxpayers' responsibility to fund this sort of elective surgery and questions about whether it detracts from the mission the armed forces are supposed to fulfill. "Historically, eunuchs have played a major role in military organizations in various parts of the world," she pointed out. "In fact, eunuchs were a critical factor that enabled the Turks to establish an empire that almost conquered Europe in the 1400s. So, adding a healthy dollop of transgenders to our side could make our enemies more fearful of confronting or challenging us."

"Statistics show that far more men transition to women than women to men," Psaki observed. "By generously funding sex-changes we would greatly reduce incidents of our troops raping women in war zones. This is a plus that opponents of this executive order overlook."

Georgetown Professor Fired

Under pressure from the Georgetown University Black Law Students Association (BLSA), adjunct professor Sandra Sellers was fired for lamenting the fact that black students dominate the bottom tiers of performance. Georgetown Law Dean Bill Treanor said he was "?appalled that one of our faculty members would be caught admitting this. Under our affirmative action guidelines, all students are considered equal regardless of their performance in the program.

It's not as if finding blacks disproportionately occupying the lower strata of the the class rankings is unusual. Coming into elite universities like Georgetown the average SAT scores for different ethnic groups has consistently shown that Asians rank highest and blacks rank lowest. The margin is about 450 points. It is not surprising that the lower scoring blacks would under-perform.

The BLSA contends that this under-performance is due to "blatant and shameless racism." However, exams are graded without the professors knowing who wrote which exam paper. BLSA spokesperson Rasheed Johnson said "it don't matter whether the name is on the paper, the exams rely on white logic and white grammar. Brothers and sisters who use black logic and black grammar are going to be judged unfairly."

Border Mess Is Trump's Fault

The flood of people entering America illegally from Mexico is preventing Immigration and Customs Enforcement from properly processing them. The Biden Administration's revival of former President Obama's "catch-and-release" policy has resulted in thousands of immigrants, some of them COVID-positive, being put on buses and sent to towns in various states.

Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) admits "it's a mess," but insists "it's Trump's fault. Look, for four years Trump put the clamps on illegal entry with his wall, his 'wait in Mexico' requirement for asylum seekers, and his agreements with the Latin American governments to discourage caravans. President Biden has overturned Trump's policies. The immigrants are simply seizing their opportunity. This is the real reason for the chaos we're seeing out there right now."

On the other hand, Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador is concerned that Biden's "open door" policy is "providing opportunities for organized crime to ramp-up its human trafficking scheme. Children are being kidnapped or sold by their parents to be taken to the US where they will become sex-slaves or worse. We like the idea of having opportunities for our people to migrate to the US, but we would prefer that legal immigration be increased so an organized and humane method of transferring some of our excess population to the richer United States could be achieved without unnecessary drama."

In other Schumer news, the Senate Majority Leader made a plea for Republicans "to work with Democrats. Now that they have seen we can pass multi-trillion dollar legislation without them they should give up their futile obstruction and join in. From the days of FDR up until Gingrich spoiled it in the 1990s, Republicans went along with the Democrat majority in exchange for a piece of the pie. I'm saying right now that that deal is still available. If they make our legislation look bipartisan they can take some bacon back to their states."

Tales of Molestation Called "Gut-Wrenching"

As the number of accusers grows, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) has responded to the lurid details of his groping, pawing, squeezing, slobbering, and lewd language, saying "to think that my years of public service are being besmirched by a parade of hysterical women overreacting to my amorous advances is gut-wrenching."

"His lack of self-awareness is stunning," said one of his accusers. "If he considers hearing his exploits 'gut-wrenching,' what about those on the receiving end of his unwelcome intrusions into our personal space?"

Another accuser questioned Cuomo's knowledge of anatomy saying, "it wasn't my gut that he was wrenching. Bust-wrenching would be a more accurate description of what his hands were trying to achieve."

Fellow New York Democrat Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez urged Cuomo "to resign before even more disgraceful facts emerge. His usefulness to the Party has expired. His role as a pandemic genius has come unraveled. He and a few other governors may face criminal-negligence charges for sending COVID-infected patients into nursing homes. Even if he escapes going to prison, his continuing role as governor can only tarnish the Party's brand. His best option is a plea bargain that may let him retire in peace."

Cuomo rejected AOC's advice, calling it "an unfair application of cancel-culture. Look, President Clinton was allowed to keep his job despite not only multiple accusations, but also forensic evidence in the case of Monica Lewinsky. It's just their word against mine. There's no semen-stained dress or anything like it. We Democrats need to stick together. Trump is gone, but there are still plenty of Republicans that need to be canceled. Until that job is done it is foolish for us to waste energy sniping at each other."

No Bail for QAnon Shaman

While last year's Antifa and Black Lives Matter rioters, some of whom looted businesses, fought with cops, and burned down buildings were released either without bail or having bail provided for them at the urging on then Sen. Kamala Harris, Jacob Chansley (also known as the Qanon Shaman) who did nothing as violent cannot be released. Judge Royce Lamberth ruled that Chansley "is simply too dangerous."

"To the inexperienced eye, the violence, theft, and destruction of last year looks like the more serious offense," Lamberth admitted. "However, those criminal acts occurred far from the nation's capital and posed no immediate danger to any important persons. In contrast, Chansley was in the Capitol building itself and sat in House Speaker Pelosi's chair. He was close enough to have harmed important people. Furthermore, by sitting in the chair of the person who is second in line for the presidency, Chansley embarrassed the government in ways that undermined its majesty and omnipotence.My God! He was wearing buffalo horns while he did these things. He must stay in jail as a message to others who may harbor similar disdain for their rulers."

"A confounding element is Chansley claim that he didn't beak into the Capitol," Lamberth added. "He says the police let him and hundreds of others in. While there is no evidence that he attacked anyone or damaged any property, prosecutors describe him as a leader of QAnon who has the crazy idea that Trump will bring Satanic child-murderers to justice. Since he won't admit his guilt or renounce his crazy ideas I can't allow him out."

NYC First Lady Calls on Civilians to Deal with Crime

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio's wife Chirlane McCray is calling for unarmed citizens "to peacefully intervene to prevent violent crimes by using the 'five D' strategy. The five Ds are Distract, Delegate, Document, Delay, and Direct."

"Say you see someone being assaulted by a gang of thugs," McCray said. "The first thing you should do is distract the attackers by making yourself an alternate target. You could shout 'hey, stop hurting that person.' The thugs will probably refocus on you, giving the original victim an opportunity to escape. You could then delegate the least aggressive of the assailants to try to talk his friends out of beating you up. Be sure to document your efforts by continuously videoing the attack on yourself. This way, as long as they don't steal your phone your murderers will be caught in the act on your phone. Plead for your life to try to delay your demise. Finally, direct your killers to your next of kin so they can notify someone to come pick up your body."

"I know inserting yourself into such situations can be frightening," McCray admitted. "But the alternative of relying on blood-thirsty armed police to handle such confrontations is worse. Youngsters with a whole life ahead of them could get shot. This might inspire sympathizers to riot, loot, and burn. As a martyr for peaceful settlement of disputes you may inspire changes in attitudes and behaviors that will pay long term dividends for society as a collective whole."