IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 21, 2021 Edition

Biden Fall Blamed on "Climate Change"

This week President Biden fell three times on the stairs leading up to Air Force One (AF1). White House deputy press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre blamed "climate change. Scientists have been warning that our failure to take climate change seriously would have serious consequences. Well, the nearly gale force winds that brought the President to his knees and almost knocked me down are a manifestation of the kind of threat we face."

White House communications director Kate Bedingfield added, "I know folks have seen that President Biden slipped on his way up the stairs to AF1, but I'm happy to report that he is just fine and did not even require any attention from the medical team who travels with him. We were lucky this time. Next time we may not be. The President told me that he hopes this near tragedy will motivate Congress to pass the Green New Deal before it's too late."

Vice-President Harris pointed out that "there were similar incidents of near stumbles by Trump when he was president. Clearly, a pattern of increasingly dangerous weather fomented by fossil fuels is imperiling all of us. If Congress does not adequately address this crisis before President Biden is killed or severely injured, I will issue an executive order to implement the needed reforms to combat this global threat."

According to the National Weather Service, winds at the site of AF1's departure were 20 miles per hour with gusts up to 25 mph. The wind did not prevent the President's plane from taking him to Atlanta so he might personally persuade Robert Long, the man arrested for killing eight salon workers, that he is a racist. "His claim that he did it to save himself from a sex addiction makes no sense," Biden is said to have told his handlers. "I myself have found it hard to resist my urge to touch and sniff young women and girls, but I've never thought of killing them to save myself from this addiction. Since the majority of Long's victims were persons of Asian descent a much more logical explanation for his murder spree was Trump's blaming China for the COVID virus."

De Blasio Gives Police New Assignment

Fresh on the heels of his wife's suggestion that unarmed civilians should confront violent criminals, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) is giving the City's police a new assignment to confront people accused of hurtful comments.

"Even if something is not a criminal case, a person being confronted by armed members of NYPD or another agency, and being told that what they've done was very hurtful to another person could be a very effective way of modifying their future behavior," the Mayor predicted. "The officers could threaten that if the hurtful remarks are ever repeated they could lead to criminal charges. I think it would be a powerful message."

De Blasio rebuffed critics who questioned this new assignment's constitutionality and importance, given the numerous times the Mayor has ordered police to "stand down" in the face of overtly violent behavior during riots last year. "For one, hurtful speech is not protected by the First Amendment," he contended. "Likewise, violent behavior in pursuit of a just cause is not something we should try to stifle. Finally, confronting unarmed civilians at a place and time of the police's choosing is a lot less risky than a 'spur of the moment' intervention between looters and their loot. Fewer officers will be injured and our medical bills will be lower."

Fauci's New Hero

Now that his previous "gold standard" Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) is besieged by allegations of sexual harassment and molestation, Dr. Anthony Fauci, the highest paid federal government employee, has pivoted to a new hero—Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) who is "a really good governor, I think she's done some really good things."

Considering that Whitmer's COVID decrees closely imitated Cuomo's, what's not to like? She, like Cuomo, imposed a sweeping lockdown of small businesses that drove many into bankruptcy and pushed unemployment into double-digit levels. She, like Cuomo, ordered nursing homes to take in COVID-infected patients—exposing thousands of high-risk elderly persons to disease and death. She, like Cuomo, has actively tried to cover up the toll her murderous decree had. Finally, with COVID cases, hospitalizations, and deaths in serious decline and vaccinations proceeding apace, Whitmer is sticking with her determination to continue her harsh restrictions.

Fauci expressed himself especially pleased that "she is not jumping on the return to normalcy bandwagon that some other governors are. She realizes that freedom is an ideal that can't always be accommodated. Sometimes the people must be repressed in the name of a greater good. She's like the wise parent who clamps down on her children's desires to have a good time for their own good. I wish more of our leaders would be as brave."

New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy (D) is reportedly miffed at being overlooked by Fauci. "I did all those COVID decrees too and I didn't harass or molest anyone," he said. "Couldn't I have at least gotten an 'honorable mention' from the good doctor?"

Dems Complain About Media Coverage of Border

Rep.Linda Sanchez (D-CA) defended the Biden Administration policy of barring the media from seeing the insides of the border facilities where unaccompanied children are being held, claiming "it is inherently unfair to compare what's going on now with what went on during the Trump years."

"Look, due to Trump's racist policies the number of children he had to deal with was small," Sanchez pointed out. "ICE officials actively prevented border crossings. Trump told people they should pursue legal immigration rather than try to sneak in. So, of course there was no crisis, no overcrowding."

"Things are different under President Biden," Sanchez said. "He welcomes a surge of people coming into America. He promises them citizenship. He has made them eligible for government aid. ICE has been instructed to process rather than repel illegal entry into the country. It shouldn't be surprising that illegal crossings are at a 20 year peak. Any type of comparison between then and now is just inappropriate."

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas maintains that "being badgered with questions about the border, immigrants, and the crimes that some of them commit is disrespectful. We have a job to do. Insisting that we must explain our policies distracts us from doing this job. If there is something we feel the American people need to know, we'll announce it. As for the rapes, abductions, and murders perpetrated by those in the country illegally, let me point out that the overwhelming majority of rapes, abductions, and murders north of the border are committed by natural born citizens, not immigrants."

More Liberals Think Political Violence Is Justified

While the media and the Democrat Party have been touting the threat of right-wing violence to our democracy, recent poll results suggest a greater threat comes from the left.

The American National Elections Studies has been conducting polls before and after presidential elections in this country since 1948. One of the questions in these polls is "How much do you feel it is justified for people to use violence to pursue their political goals in this country?" Respondents were given the following choices: "Not at all," "A little," "A moderate amount," "A lot," and "A great deal." This year's poll surveyed 8,280 persons.

Among respondents who self-identified as "very conservative" 95.8% chose the "not at all" answer. Among respondents who self-identified as "very liberal" 66.5% chose the "not at all" answer. This leaves us with 4.2% of "very conservative" people endorsing some level of violence vs. 33.5% of "very liberal" people endorsing some level of violence in order to achieve political goals.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) distinguished between "the righteous wrath expressed by social justice warriors against America's inherently racist system and the unwarranted efforts to continue oppressing minorities. Those treated unfairly by the system have a right to fight against it. Those supporting the system have no right to resist those who want to change it. Political violence to tear down capitalism and replace it with socialism is meritorious. Opposition to socialism, whether violent or not, is never justified."

Rent and Mortgage Cancellation Act

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) has introduced legislation—The Rent and Mortgage Cancellation Act—that would cancel rent and mortgages nationwide through the duration of the coronavirus pandemic. Her bill would grant full payment forgiveness and bar any negative impact on credit ratings. The bill is cosponsored by Rep. Cori Bush (D-Mo) and Rep. Jerrod Nadler (D-NY).

"The need for this legislation was made clear by a ruling from a Texas judge that declared the Centers for Disease Control's moratorium on evictions during the pandemic is unconstitutional," Omar said. "Millions of Americans are now at risk of homelessness because of one inhuman judge."

Omar brushed aside claims that it was the draconian and illegal shutdowns imposed by governments around the nation that created the crisis, saying "governors did what they had to do to save people from the virus. They shouldn't be second-guessed by those who wish they hadn't done what they did."

"As for the property owners and the lenders who have lost income due to the moratorium, they too are victims of capitalism," the Congresswoman contended. "The whole idea of property ownership is a flawed concept. Ultimately, we have to replace it with a more equitable system where the government provides housing based on need. Everyone would have the same landlord. The struggle to find a place to live would be ended. Your housing allotment would be given to you. You'd be free to devote your energies to strive to meet the needs of the collective. Likewise, the notion of exploiting this basic need by charging rent would be abolished. Each and every person would work for the betterment of humanity at the tasks assigned to them by the government."

Senator Outraged

Illinois State Senator Elgie Sims (D-Chicago) was chased and threatened by a gun-wielding fellow motorist in Springfield. No shots were fired. Sims reported the incident to police and the man was later arrested. However, the arrested man, Michael Hoyle, was released after posting $1,500 in bail. Sims was outraged.

Interestingly, Sims sponsored successful legislation that would ban cash bail for those who can't afford it. As he explained "money bond doesn't guarantee public safety or someone's appearance in court, it supports a system where freedom is based on the size of someone's bank account. We've tried the failed tough on crime polices in the past. It's time we show more compassion for offenders."

Sims insists that "there is no inconsistency. I'm no random citizen. I'm a state senator. I help make the laws that rule our state. The leniency that the legislation I supported was for cases where both the victim and perp are nobodies. Waving a gun at a member of the government is a threat to our democracy. There must be more stringent and severe consequences for criminals like Hoyle who show no respect for those who rule them."

Study Finds Bias in CDC Covid Data

A study published in the Journal of Science, Public Health Policy and Law found that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) violated the Information Quality Act (IQA) and the Paperwork Reduction Act (PRA) by prescribing different and invalid standards for handling COVID-related fatalities. This resulted in massively inflating the fatality figures. Taking the data from the start of the pandemic to August 23, 2020, the new invalid standards reported 161,392 COVID deaths. If the prior valid standards had been adhered to the COVID fatalities would have been reported as 9,684.

Dr. Anthony Fauci defended the new standards, saying that "the corona virus is a novel virus. The CDC felt that it would be appropriate to adopt novel new standards. The CDC wasn't the only government authority to adopt novel standards. Many state election officials and judges saw a need for new standards for voting because of the pandemic. There simply wasn't enough time to follow already approved procedures for either voting or counting the death toll occurring in the very unusual year of 2020."

The authors of the study, in contrast, blamed the CDC's new standards for "causing a capricious alteration to data collection that has compromised the accuracy, quality, objectivity, utility, and integrity of their published data, rendering it essentially useless for reaching legitimate conclusions about COVID and the methods for combating the disease."