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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 28, 2021 Edition

Filibuster a "Tool of Racists"

This week, Presidential Press secretary Jen Psaki argued for the elimination of the Senate Filibuster, calling it a "tool of racists. Throughout American history the Senate filibuster has been repeatedly used to block legislation that would safeguard the rights of minorities. As the President pointed out in his press conference on Thursday, the filibuster was the first line of defense in protecting Jim Crow laws that denied equality for blacks."

"Last year alone, the Senate had to invoke cloture more than 250 times to end senseless filibusters." Psaki pointed out. "This is almost five times as many instances than during the entire period between 1917 and 1971. I think this clearly demonstrates that the misuse of the filibuster is getting worse. As the President said, if the 1917 to 1971 period was the era of Jim Crow, last year must have been the era of Jim Eagle."

Interestingly, except in a handful of cases, all of the filibusters were launched by Democrats. Reminded of this, Psaki contended that "it is the typical disinformation tactic of the Republicans to try to distort the message the President is trying to communicate. The country needs to unify behind the President's program. Democrats have the majority in Congress. As the President said in the news conference, the GOP has the opportunity to support his programs or be rolled under by an unstoppable majority. Sen. McConnell is the one threatening to filibuster needed reforms. He is the one following in the footsteps of those who abused the Senate's rules for racist ends."

McConnell called both President Biden's and Psaki's remarks "an incredible inversion of reality. Democrats were the Party of Jim Crow. The members of Congress who were also members of the Ku Klux Klan were all Democrats. Democrats retarded progress on civil rights legislation by repeated filibusters for 100 years after the Civil War. The 250 filibusters they initiated last year were an attempt to block the appointment of federal judges. In my view, the 50/50 split in the Senate does not constitute a mandate for the Democrats to radically change America. Voters didn't vote for a radically different America. Passing radical legislation on a straight party line vote is the antithesis of unity."

Twitter CEO Admits Mistake

In testimony before a congressional committee, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey admitted that his company made a mistake when it tried to suppress news accounts of illicit activity documented in Hunter Biden's abandoned laptop computer. However, he declined to name the person responsible for this "mistake."

"Look, the New York Post story and tweet were based on evidence obtained without Hunter Biden's knowledge or permission," Dorsey said. "We felt it was an unfair invasion of his privacy for someone else to disclose contents that, in hindsight, he would rather have not seen in the media because of the damage it would do to his father's presidential campaign. Having his own son's escapades be his undoing would have been especially traumatic for both of them. Our motivation was purely focused on kindness, not political favoritism. We would have done the same thing if similar evidence had been found on Eric Trump's laptop."

"Admittedly, some of the stuff on Hunter's laptop did involve actions that could have been construed as criminal in nature," Dorsey added. "Normally, attempting to hide evidence of a crime could be considered obstruction of justice. Under our Constitution no one can be compelled to give evidence against himself. This protection applies both to Hunter who committed the crimes documented in his laptop and the person or persons at Twitter who helped in the effort to conceal this evidence from legal authorities."

In related news, House Consumer Protection and Commerce Subcommittee Chairwoman Jan Schakowsky (D-IL) vowed that "we will crackdown on these social media platforms to ensure that they do a better job of eliminating erroneous posts that would tend to undermine the unity that we are attempting to achieve in this country. Deviations from the accepted narrative must be squelched before they do damage. Purveyors of ignorance and nonconformity must not be given an outlet for their hateful commentary."

DHS Compiling Dissident Citizen Dossiers

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is contracting with Google, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, SnapChat, Twitter, and others to identify and surveil "dangerous dissidents."

Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas says "the need for a new focus was brought home by the January 6th insurrection at the Capitol. The previous emphasis on jihadi terrorism was misplaced. At best, there are only a few thousand Islamic fanatics. As the November election showed, though, there are potentially as many as 74 million domestic terrorists willing to engage in violence at the biding of their deranged leader Donald Trump."

"We are beginning by identifying Republican voters who were in Washington, DC this past January," Mayorkas explained. "Being in this place at that time is cause for suspicion. Next, we will be working with social media corporations to scrutinize tweets, posts, and messages. Content expressing dissatisfaction with or opposition to the Biden-Harris Administration will be flagged."

"We are also calling on all loyal citizens to be on the lookout for deviant behavior," Mayorkas said. "Not every anti-unity act is carried out over the Internet. Some are more secretive, low-profile, local acts of disobedience and wrong thinking. No word, deed, or individual is too insignificant to merit our attention."

"The criteria for deciding who needs to be sanctioned, restricted, or imprisoned hasn't yet been firmly established, but we are confident that we will know when and where to strike to counter every threat even before those plotting against the government have committed a criminal act. We will not be taken by surprise like we were on January 6th."

An example of the kind of sanction that may be imposed to warn people not to get out of line was suggested by Rep. Ruben Gallego (D-Ariz), who proposed that "any veteran, retiree, or service member who was in the Capitol on January 6 should be stripped of all veterans' benefits. It is not a soldier's place to criticize the government. Their duty is to follow orders and always defend the government from any threat—foreign or domestic. Veteran's benefits are quite valuable. They should only be awarded to those whose loyalty is beyond question. Once we make an example of a few ungrateful ex-GIs the rest will fall in line."

Businesses Pressured to Sign "Democracy Pledge"

Glenn Kirschner, an analyst for NBC News and MSNBC, wants every business in America to sign on to the statement that "The 2020 presidential election was free and fair, and produced accurate, reliable results." If they don't he promises to "publish their names and addresses so their customers can take appropriate action to run them out of business."

Kirschner says he "won't accept the excuse of ignorance. Its not a question of what they know. Obviously, they are not in a position to know one way or the other. They didn't scrutinize the ballots, check for IDs, or verify whether machine counts were accurate. It's a matter of what they profess to believe. It's a question of faith. Those who don't have faith in the integrity of the election don't deserve to stay in business."

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) was asked to make a similar pledge by ABC News host George Stephanopoulos. He refused, called for a debate of the issue, and demanded that evidence be scrutinized before reaching a conclusion. Kirschner called this response "unacceptable agnosticism. We can't be united if we can't all share the same faith in our democracy. A difference of opinion might be tolerable in the weeks leading up to an election, but once the votes are counted we all need to come together and support the winner. Anything less than unanimity weakens the country and strengthens our enemies."

House May Unseat Republican

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says Rep. Mariannette Miller-Meeks (R-Iowa), the certified winner of her race, may be ousted and replaced by the loser: Democrat Rita Hart.

"Let me point out that the claimed margin of victory was six votes out of more than 400,000 votes cast," Pelosi argued. "Statistically, the race was essentially a tie. Now, the Constitution gives each House of Congress the authority to judge the elections, returns, and qualifications of its own members. If a majority of the House feels that Ms. Hart would better represent the interests of the people of Iowa we are within our rights to overturn the certified election results."

"The argument that officials in Iowa certified Ms. Miller-Meeks as the winner does not decide the issue," the Speaker said. "Corrupt local election officials have been known to certify the wrong candidate as the winner of a race that the candidate actually lost. Ms. Hart contends that there were still other votes that could have been counted that might have given her the majority. As a matter of principle, we Democrats have always insisted that all the votes be counted. It has always been the Republicans who want to limit the counting to some lesser number by alleging that some votes were cast by ineligible voters. Frankly, I don't understand the concept of a so-called ineligible voter. Voting is a human right. Unless the votes Republicans want to ignore were cast by apes I don't see how they can not be counted."

Not every Democrat is comfortable with Pelosi's position on this issue. Rep. Elissa Slotkin (D-Mich) says " I cannot support overturning an election, that has been certified by Iowa election officials. While I agree that voting is a human right I also think it is important that there be only one vote per voter. ID checks are part of the process to ensure this. By checking IDs we can eliminate multiple votes by the same person, votes cast in the name of persons long deceased, and votes cast using fictitious names."

Pelosi acknowledged that "others, like Rep. Slotkin may not share my views, but let me remind them that I am the Speaker. I decide who gets the plum committee assignments and whose bills will be heard in these committees. Those who go along, get along. Those who chart an independent course may have to be satisfied with a clear conscience, but they will not reap the rewards of being a team player."

Disparity in Treatment Called "Logical"

The Biden-Harris Administration is committing to spend more than $300 per day per family to house illegal immigrants in hotels. At the same time, the 20,000 National Guard troops manning the Capitol barricades are sleeping on the concrete floors of parking garages in DC. Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki called this seeming inequity "logical."

"Migrants come here in search of a better life," she explained. "The President is determined to fulfill that dream. Putting them up in expensive hotels is a good way to give them a taste of the good life and reward them for undertaking a long and dangerous journey to get here. It is hoped that after living in high style for a short period these immigrants will not be satisfied with the meager welfare benefits that are available to them. They will be inspired to work hard, start businesses, or find other ways to acquire the money needed to afford living in posh housing."

"National Guard troops, on the other hand, have committed to serve their country," Psaki said. "Part of serving the country is to undertake unpleasant jobs. Surviving in harsh living conditions is part of what it means to be a soldier. Given how bad living conditions could be in an actual combat zone, the parking garages where they're currently bivouacking are a step up. If we were to accommodate them in DC hotels we would dangerously undermine the satisfaction of sacrificing comfort for the good of the country."

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