IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 4, 2021 Edition

Dems, CEOs Oppose Voter Integrity Laws

Democrats and the CEOs of several prominent corporations slammed legislatures for passing reforms of state election procedures. Georgia's 2020 election procedures created significant ambiguities and inconsistencies in how ballots were cast and counted. The legislature enacted some reforms and Gov. Brian Kemp signed the legislation last week.

Stacey Abrams, self-proclaimed "real governor of Georgia," characterized the reforms as "vote suppression." President Joe Biden called the reform "Jim Crow on steroids." Coca-Cola CEO James Quincey asserted that "this legislation is unacceptable." Apple CEO Tim Cook complained that the new law "makes it more difficult for people to vote."

Kemp defended the new law, saying that "requiring valid IDs for casting ballots reinforces the 'one-person, one-vote' principle of democracy. Likewise, making sure that ballots are deposited in secure locations protects the 'chain-of-custody' and reduces the opportunity for tampering with the votes. The basic intent of this reform is to prevent the legitimate votes of eligible voters from being diluted by fraudulently cast ineligible ballots."

Abrams pounced of Kemp's remarks, declaring the to be "an admission of the intent to suppress votes. It has long been the policy of the Democratic Party that since voting is a human right all ballots should be counted. Restricting voting to those who have jumped through the hoops to get registered and show ID suppresses the votes of those unable or unwilling to play this game. Insisting on secure drop boxes infringes on our efforts to help the indecisive to make the right choices in who they vote for."

Since Apple requires a valid ID for customers who want to buy an I-Phone, Cook was asked why voters shouldn't have to provide an ID to get a ballot. His response was "this is not a valid comparison. An I-Phone is a valuable piece of equipment. Significant sums of money change hands in the transaction. The ID we require helps cut down on fraud and preserves our profits. A ballot, on the other hand, is free. People don't have to show an ID to get other free things like sunshine and fresh air. They shouldn't have to show an ID to cast a vote."

Buttigieg's Hypocrisy

Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was caught on video faking his environmentally-friendly commute to work this week. The meme he was trying to communicate is that he cares so much about the environment that he bicycles to work every day. The official video of this shows him arriving at his office peddling happily along the street. The unofficial video captured by a wary observer showed Buttigieg hopping on a bicycle a few blocks from his office building after having unloaded the bike from a gas-guzzling, armor-plated SUV that had driven him most of the way.

Buttigieg brushed aside criticism of his apparent hypocrisy, saying that "the amount of fuel consumed and pollution emitted by my SUV transport is minuscule in the context of the whole climate change crisis. The special accommodations for those us us tasked with running this country aren't important. The behavior of the hundreds of millions of ordinary people are what really matters. To encourage them to conserve energy and decrease emissions, the official video in which I appear to be cycling to work demonstrates the choice we want more of them to make. This is one of those instances in which looking good is better than being good, especially when being good would result in me arriving at work sweaty and smelly."

The Secretary's hypocrisy wasn't limited to his fake cycling virtue. He is also an ardent proponent of strong gun control laws. Yet, he was accompanied by armed guards every inch of the way—a circumstance he justified by pointing out that "DC is a dangerous city. Crime rates are very high, especially shootings. It would've been irresponsible of me to go out on the streets without this necessary safety precaution."

Roads & Bridges Only 5% of Biden Infrastructure Plan

Despite President Biden using an example of a collapsing bridge as a highlight of his pitch for his $2.6 trillion infrastructure proposal, only 5% of the money would be spent on building and repairing roads and bridges. Fox News' White House correspondent Peter Doocy asked Press Secretary Jen Psaki why so little was allocated to this purpose.

"We're trying to foster public support for the President's plan," she said. "As we learned from the COVID pandemic, raising the public's level of fear is a very persuasive tool. Crumbing pavement and decrepit bridges tap into this natural fear response in a way that the other 95% of expenditures in the plan don't/"

"Let me paint you a picture," she continued. "Virtually everyone drives, so for the average person, the vision of having a bridge collapse under them is something they can understand and fear. On the other hand, the need to create whole new green industries seems more remote and perhaps less necessary. Thus far, everyone has lived their entire lives without these new green industries. There's no way we can scare these people into supporting trillions of dollars being borrowed or taxed from them to fund these new industries. By creating a fearsome image we can trick them into accepting spending that they might balk at if they knew all the facts."

Ironically, the business tax increases planned as partial funding for the infrastructure plan would make the US corporate tax rate higher than the Chinese corporate tax rate. Psaki described this feature as "a subtle way of encouraging polluting industries to move their operations to China. Our consumers could then buy what they need from China while the emissions resulting from producing these goods are borne by the Chinese people. This will undo the damage done by Trump's ill-conceived strategy of encouraging businesses to bring their factories back to America."

California Bill Would Make All Abortions Free

State Senator Lena Gonzalez (D-Long Beach) is sponsoring legislation (SB245) that would make all abortions free in the State of California. In addition to using taxpayer funds to finance abortion-on-demand, her bill would also require all private insurance plans to cover abortions with no co-pays and no deductibles.

"This legislation is needed both to protect the health of women and to reduce the frequency of child abuse," Gonzalez said. "No woman should be forced to give birth to an unwanted child. The government has an obligation to prevent these tragedies. By guaranteeing that every woman can get rid of her unborn child at no cost to herself the number of children who will later be abused by unloving mothers and fathers will be decreased."

Adora Slaughter, spokeswoman for Planned Parenthood, endorsed the Senator's bill, saying that "culling the human herd of unwanted new members can avert untold suffering. By allowing unwanted and unneeded additions to the population we endanger the survival of the planet. Stopping this deadly cycle at as early a stage as possible is the greatest gift we can give to future generations. We should not let poverty stop a woman from solving this problem."

Xavier Becerra, former California Attorney General and current Secretary of Health and Human Services for the Biden Administration, spoke favorably about Gonzalez's bill, calling it "a heroic demonstration of concern for the future of humanity. I hope it will set an example that will be followed both by other states and Congress. It is time we put an end to the religious bigotry that has retarded universal abortion rights in this country."

LA to Try Passive Resistance Against Gangs

Los Angeles County District Attorney George Gascón (D) says he is ready to "severely downsize or outright dissolve the City's Hardcore Gang and Major Narcotics units. It occurred to me that the old 'fight fire with fire' strategy may be past its 'use by' date. Not only will dissolving these police units save money that could be better spent elsewhere, it allows us to pioneer new methods for dealing with violent crime."

One of the new methods, Gascon suggested is "passive resistance. Few people are aware that Gandhi liberated India from British rule by using passive resistance. This non-violent revolution showed that persistent refusal to obey the armed agents of their oppressors the people of India gained their independence. By turning formerly gun-wielding police officers into unarmed passive resisters against the City's drug lords and street gangsters we will thwart their criminal escapades."

Gascon acknowledged that "the transition to passive resistance won't be easy. There may be casualties as violent gangs continue to use murder as a tool for terrorizing the City. But as new officers are continuously recruited to take the place of those killed by gangs I think that the futility of attempting to sustain their criminal empires via violence will dawn on them. This will bring them to the bargaining table where City leaders can work out a motus vivendi that will allow a peaceful coexistence to arise."

A Black Lives Matter local activist using the nom deguerre "Akili," hailed Gascon's plan, saying that "he is simply doing what the people have been asking for. That's why he was elected. Once the cops lay down their weapons a new dawn of a progressive future will emerge."

Meanwhile, across the country, the State of New York is preparing to pay illegal immigrants and convicted felons up to $27,000 apiece for "the financial hardships they faced during the pandemic. Democratic state Sen. Jessica Ramos explained that "people that had to walk thousands of miles to get across our border lost the opportunity to have a job for the many months it took them to complete their journey. Likewise, individuals confined in prison could not carry out the heists, drug deals, extortion, and sex-trafficking that provided their income when they were on the outside. We have a moral obligation to try to help these people."

Tlaib: "Give Everyone $2,000 a Month"

Frustrated that the federal stimulus checks are "too meager and too temporary," Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D.-Mich) wants the government to give every US resident $2,000 a month for life.

"We have it within our power to make the 'Garden of Eden' a real thing," Tlaib said. "Why should so many of our residents have to spend so much time doing unpleasant jobs just to make a living? Wouldn't it be better if the government simply gave a regular monthly income to everyone 'no strings attached?' Hours previously wasted commuting to dead-end jobs would be freed up for more satisfying activities and folks would have the cash to have fun."

The Congresswoman expressed her confidence that "people would vote for this idea if they had the opportunity. Of course, in a way, they kind of already did by electing Biden president and giving him a majority in both Houses of Congress. However, he hasn't yet fulfilled his mandate to do this. I have had discussions with Speaker Pelosi and we both agree that the President should issue an executive order amending the Constitution to require that each and every resident within our borders be given these monthly payouts. If he does, once word gets out we'll have so many more migrants coming to collect their checks that there will be enough votes to make the Democratic Party the permanent majority in all branches of the federal government."