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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 11, 2021 Edition

Senator Calls Defense of Economic Freedom "Craven Political Stunt"

Self-proclaimed Vietnam War hero Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) called Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis' demand that the CDC lift its ban on cruise ships "a craven political stunt. His contention that economic freedom is some sort of basic human right is ludicrous. It is up to the government to decide what economic privileges may be exercised and when."

DeSantis called the year-long lockdown of the cruise ship industry "unreasonable and irrational. There may have been an excuse for such action a year ago when governments around the world were taking a shotgun approach to avert a feared decimation of the population from the novel coronavirus. Now it is clear that the threat of this disease has been severely overestimated. Early blunders by several governors caused an excessive death rate among the vulnerable elderly. Meanwhile, COVID survival rates for persons under the age of 65 are 99.7%. In the past year treatments have gotten better and vaccines have been developed. It's time to stop the fear mongering and restore people's freedom."

Blumenthal contended that "DeSantis is just trying to feather his own nest. He, himself, admits that the cruise industry has a $9 billion annual economic impact on Florida. He harps on the jobs lost, businesses gone bankrupt, and lives ruined by the restrictive measures that have been widely adopted by authorities willing to make the hard choices on who needs to suffer for the good of the whole. He overlooks the fact that, in the grand scheme of things, no one needs to take an ocean cruise. Wiping out this industry is a small price to pay for the victory we hope to achieve against this pandemic."

Countering Blumenthal's argument is the lesser impact COVID has had in states that did not adopt the severe lockdowns he claims need to be continued until the loons who imposed them feel it is safe to rescind them. So-called COVID expert Dr. Anthony Fauci calls the better results in less restricted states "confusing. It goes against everything I believe and have practiced in my 40-year career in government. How can letting people go about their normal lives be healthier than imposing government controls over their behavior? It makes no sense."

Harvard Docs Advocate Race-Based Triage

Two professors at Harvard Medical School, Drs. Bram Wispelwey and Michelle Morse, are calling for a revision of hospital emergency triage procedures. "The idea that patients should be given priority for treatment based on the urgency of each case without regard to race is inherently racist because it fails to consider the 400 years of discrimination against minorities," Wispelwey said. "Only by balancing this out by leaning the other way can society begin to pay for the damage done to these people."

Under the proposed new triage protocol, emergency room doctors would first make a determination of the race of each injured or ill person coming into the hospital. Those presenting as persons of African descent would go to the head of the line. Those determined to be white would go to the back of the line. Morse emphasized that "these procedures would only apply if the inflow of patients is large enough to prevent immediate treatment to all regardless of race. If priority decisions have to be made, only then would race be taken into consideration. We would never delay attention to a white or Asian person if there isn't a black or Latino person that needs to be put ahead of them in line. That would be senselessly cruel."

This proposal runs afoul of existing law. Both the the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) explicitly ban racial discrimination by providers of medical services. A spokesperson for the Harvard Medical School explained that "we would, of course, undertake a pilot study or, if you will, a clinical study to test the results of the proposed reform before implementing it as a permanent policy. One thing we don't yet know is the precise ratio of the value of a black life saved vs. a white life lost. Developing an acceptable formula for calculating this would be a prime objective of any study."

Young Blood Therapy Sparking Interest

An experiment demonstrating how injections of blood from young mice into older mice had miraculous rejuvenating effects on the brains and bodies of these older mice is sparking interest in trying this out on humans.Secretary of Health and Human Service Xavier Becerra called this experience "intriguing. It could be that the 'fountain of youth' has been within us all along. It may be possible for us to prolong the lives and heath of important members of our society by extracting blood from children and injecting it into worthy recipients."

Becerra speculated that "a first beneficiary could very well be President Biden. He has spent nearly 50 years of his life serving in government. Now that he is in the most important and demanding job in the world the need to restore him to tip-top shape—both physically and mentally—is dire. What we need to do is develop a protocol for getting the blood out of young people and into his veins."

"Just thinking off the top of my head, it seems like the blood from aborted fetuses would be an optimal solution," Becerra said. "The younger the blood, the more invigorating it should be. Since aborted fetuses have no further need for their blood there would be no harm in extracting it. The main potential problem may be whether there is enough fetal blood to meet the needs of all the key members of government who need it."

"We are batting around a few ideas for stimulating an increase in supply," he added. "One is to offer bounties designed to increase the number of aborted fetuses. Another is to offer parents of young children a generous stipend for signing up these children as regular blood donors or if that proves insufficient making donations mandatory for children between certain ages. I mean, if we can require that all teenagers sign up for the military draft I believe we have the authority to require blood donations from whoever we need to meet the demand."

Portland Invests in Unarmed Patrols

Convinced that "we must do something to break the cycle of gun violence," the Portland, Oregon City Council voted to spend $1.4 million to fund unarmed patrols. The patrols will concentrate on public parks that have become prime locations for drug deals and turf battles between rival gangs.

Mayor Ted Wheeler (D) hailed the move as "innovative. Instead of sending in cops with guns we will be sending in social workers to intercede between potentially violent confrontations. The first 'weapon' these patrols will deploy is persuasion. A lot of violent crime springs from ignorance. Our patrols will inform gangsters of the harm their activity inflicts on others. If persuasion is unsuccessful our patrols will witness and videotape illegal activity that will serve as evidence in any subsequent trial."

"To keep costs low, each three-person patrol assigned to a park will work a different eight-hour shift so that there is always one person at the park around the clock," Wheeler said. "Criminals will know that they cannot expect to be unobserved. I think we can get a lot of bang for our buck with this strategy. At the very least, we will be showing the people of our city that violence isn't the answer."

Wheeler noted that "this move in Portland has some similarities to New York City's decision to retrain members of its police force to learn how to be unarmed human shields between gun-wielding thugs and their intended victims. Since our patrols will explicitly not be police officers we expect a much lower casualty rate because the knee-jerk hatred of cops won't be a factor."

In related news, Gov. Kate Brown (D-Ore) blamed Trump for the murder of a Trump supporter by Antifa terrorist Michael Reinoehl last year, saying "if there were no Trump, there would be no Trump supporters and no opportunity or need for poor Mr. Reinoehl to kill them."

MLB to Fix Gender Diversity Deficit

Fresh from deciding to punish the majority black city of Atlanta, Georgia for its State Legislature's election reform law, Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced "it has been brought to my attention that we do not have gender equality among our players. I looked over the rosters of all our teams and noted that there isn't a single woman or transgender individual to be found. I was shocked. Half the population of this country is female. We need to field teams that look like America. We've made great progress on the racial front. Blacks, Latinos, and Asians can be found all around the league. Now it's time we fix the gender problem."

"Today, I am instructing my staff to create a plan for achieving gender equality by the year 2030," Manfred bragged. "I know there will be some who say that females can't play this sport at a high enough level to warrant being on any team. Let me point out, though, that many recreational leagues have softball teams that are 50% female. If we need to modify some rules to get this fix done, so be it."

Manfred suggested that "one thing we can do right away to increase the proportion of females in our league is to encourage as many as we can to declare themselves females trapped in male bodies. In this regard, high school athletic programs have already seen impressive results from incorporating males who identify as females into their teams. Surely we can outdo these amateurs."

In related news, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) asked Manfred "if Georgia has to lose the All-Star game because its election laws are racist, why haven't you resigned from Georgia's Augusta National Golf Club?" Manfred's reply was "why should I be pushed into a meaningless bit of self-sacrifice by a politician I don't respect?"

Buttigieg: "Racism Built into America's Infrastructure"

Secretary Pete Buttigieg said that "becoming the head of the Department of Transportation has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. One of those things was the realization that our highways are inherently racist. Everyone knows that blacks prefer to ride in buses and trains. Yet, nationwide 99% of the person-miles of travel occurs in automobiles. Blacks make up 13% of the population. Shouldn't buses and trains account for at least 13% of the travel?"

"Not only do we need to stop funding more road construction, we need to start tearing down a lot of what we've already built," the Secretary suggested. "I think a carefully planned and implemented policy of tearing up existing roads will have salutary results. First, if whites no longer have enough roads to drive on they will demand that more buses and trains be provided. Second, a lot of our urban freeways separate white from black neighborhoods. This thwarts the unification the President has vowed to achieve. Third, tearing up roads will provide the good, high-paying jobs that the President has promised to stimulate. Blacks can get these jobs because tearing down things is, as we saw last summer, something they like to do and is easier than designing and building something that has to be useful and safe."

"Finally, the tax increase that is needed to fund the Biden Administration's infrastructure program will take more money away from wasteful private sector uses and put it into the hands of expert government planners," he added. "Private businesses are always trying to become more efficient—to do more with less. We Democrats know this is exactly backwards. If we do less with more that means more spending and more jobs. When I was the Mayor of South Bend I saw the stark contrast between public and private schools. Private schools had fewer employee per student, their overhead was less costly, and the students learned more—all of these features are job-killers. So the more money that can be shifted into the control of the public sector the greater the boom times will be."