IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 2, 2021 Edition

Biden "May or May Not" Force Shots

President Biden announced that he "may or may not" force everyone to get vaccinated for COVID. Calling it "one of the tough decisions a great president has to make," Biden says he is "weighing the individual's natural right to control his or her own body with my responsibility as president to ensure that everyone is safe from harm."

The first population cohort likely to be required to get vaccinated is the military. Biden explained that "members of the armed services are already required to take mandatory inoculations. It's part of what it means to 'serve.' If we can achieve a 100% vaccination rate for our troops I hope that will inspire the rest of the population to voluntarily take the jabs. If it doesn't, sterner measures may be required."

The President says he doesn't think a door-to-door forcible injection protocol will be necessary. "The vaccine passports that are being required by other countries and many businesses in this country should be sufficient to prod nearly everyone to accept vaccination as the price of freedom," he speculated. "Being barred at the doors of your favorite bar, restaurant, stadium, or grocery store for not having proof of being vaccinated should bring all but the most incorrigibly disobedient into compliance."

"We will give people the opportunity to voluntarily do the patriotic thing before we crackdown on the non-compliant," the President promised. "This is the way a free and unified society works." He went on to predict that "we will succeed where the Trump Administration's policy of leaving each person to decide for himself would have surely failed."

Meanwhile, the State of Washington is implementing a trial run of "special treatment" for those who've been vaccinated. Governor Jay Inslee (D) explained that "a few months ago everyone was clamoring for the vaccine and we didn't have enough. Now, we've got plenty, but demand is far short of what was expected. As an incentive we are categorizing people into two classes. Those who've been vaccinated will have more privileges and freedoms than those who aren't. Our hope is that the denial of these privileges and freedoms will prod the reluctant into the obedience that will set them free."

Racist Farm Policy Sparks Lawsuit

The Biden Administration's American Rescue Plan Act of 2021 provides loan forgiveness of up to 120% (i.e., a borrower can get 20% more than they received from the federal government during the pandemic) to farmers who are Black, American Indian or Alaskan native, Hispanic or Latino, and Asian American or Pacific Islander. Whites aren't eligible for this program.

Plaintiffs from Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota and Ohio contend that using race to determine who receives the benefits of a program aimed at aiding farmers hurt by the economic shutdowns imposed in the effort to combat COVID is "unconstitutional." President and General Counsel of the Wisconsin Institute for Law & Liberty, Rick Esenberg, said, The plaintiffs meet all of the criteria laid out in the program except the discriminatory racial exclusion."

U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Thomas Vilsack justified the unequal treatment, calling it "a down payment on atoning for 400 years of white supremacy. Granted, the particular farmers involved in this lawsuit may not have played a significant role in the 400 years of abuse of non-white minorities, but they are the descendants of the white race that inflicted the multi-generational harm. The notion that each individual is independently entitled to fair treatment was rejected by the voters who chose to oust Trump and usher in a new socially conscious approach to justice. We are confident that the courts, including the Supreme Court, if the case gets that far, will concur in our enforcement of a new way of thinking."

Another Dawn Raid by the FBI

This week a contingent of armed FBI agents raided the home of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani (R) to confiscate an array of electronic devices. Giuliani called the raid "unnecessary. I would've voluntarily turned over all the devices requested. Oddly, the one device they refused to confiscate was a copy of the hard drive of Hunter Biden's laptop. I pointed out that my perusal of the contents found evidence of several crimes."

FBI Director Christopher Wray brushed aside Giuliani's objections, saying that "a narrative in which he can be portrayed as cooperating with our investigation was unsatisfactory. As we have done in the past with the cases of Roger Stone and Paul Manafort, the dawn raid videoed by cooperating media conveys a narrative supporting the meme that these people are so guilty and dangerous that we couldn't risk them destroying evidence or fleeing justice. Judging from the media coverage, I'd call it 'mission accomplished.'"

Wray also rejected Giuliani's contention that the Hunter Biden hard drive was of any public value. "Look, as the oldest surviving son of a sitting president, Hunter has sort of a 'crown prince' status," Wray argued. "It would not serve the interest of the government to allow a scandal to besmirch him or any member of the President's family. Rulers must be revered and respected. Any accusations—true or false—tend to undermine this vital objective. By refusing to be drawn into Giuliani's gambit we have diminished the credibility of his charges and preserved the reputation of the ruling family."

"As for the assertion that the devices we seized will prove Giuliani's innocence, well, we will be the judges of that," Wray added. "Even if there's never a trial, the impression that Giuliani is guilty of something is already out there. The FBI is America's number one law enforcement agency. We are the ones who got Dillinger. We are the heroes of many movies and several TV series. Given the choice of who to believe, we're confident that the average person will trust us more than they trust Giuliani."

Canada Makes Participation in Assisted Suicide Mandatory

The Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that a hospice that declined to participate in administering assisted suicide cannot stay in business. The Delta Hospice Society, located in British Columbia has resisted demands that it must kill its residents if that's what they want done.

The Court explicitly rejected the argument that the refusal to participate in terminating a person's life was an allowable option. "Even though there are other fully participating hospitals and hospices that a patient or resident could freely choose, the Government's policy is that assisted suicide is for the collective benefit of all," the Court said. "The contention that 'no kill shelters' ought to be available to those who prefer it would elevate individual preferences above society's preferences. Canada is not obligated to subjugate democratically decided policies to individual conscience. To do so would impose the religious beliefs of a minority on the rest of society."

"The remedy that those opposed to the euthanasia that current law decrees must be carried out is to win a majority in the next election and change the current law," the Court suggested. "Under our democracy, majority rule is the only legitimate means for deciding what is morally right or wrong. Any other metric is arbitrary and oppressive."

Bill to Bar Criminal Background Checks

Rep. David Trone (D-Md) and Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) have introduced legislation that would bar employers from inquiring into the criminal history of job applicants. Specifically prohibited is asking a job applicant if he has a criminal record before offering the person a job.

Waters explained that "criminals have just as much right to a job as anyone else. Yet, if potential employers are allowed to poke around for evidence of crimes that may have been committed by applicants they are apt not to hire them. This is part of the systemic racism we are trying to eliminate in this country."

Trone hastened to point out that "our bill would not prohibit a company from taking action against an employee who steals from the company, rapes a co-worker, or murders a customer. All we are asking is that any prior thefts, rapes, or murders not be allowed as grounds for not offering a person a job. The best way to nip this tendency in the bud is to prevent the issue from being raised prior to the hiring decision."

Biden: "White Supremacists Greatest Terrorist Threat"

In his first address to a joint session of Congress, President Joe Biden declared that "white supremacists have replaced jihadists as the most lethal terrorist threat to the United States. As we saw on January 6, white supremacists launched the gravest attack on this country since the Civil War. I am asking Congress to join with me in spending $6 trillion to strengthen the country's economy as our first line of defense against these terrorists."

Many observers wondered how a disorganized unarmed group that milled about the Capitol for a few hours on January 6th, committed a few acts of vandalism, and killed no one could have constituted a greater threat than some other events—like War II that killed hundreds of thousands of American soldiers and the 9/11 jihad attack that killed nearly 3,000 American civilians—since the Civil War.

Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained that "on January 6th Americans tried to overthrow our government. Regardless of how unprepared they were, these invaders were nearly 100% white. They were also within striking distance of the most important people in this country. If it weren't for the timely spontaneous hiding and fleeing of great leaders like House Speaker Pelosi and Rep. Ocasio Cortez they might have been ruthlessly mocked. Such a humiliation could have undermined their willingness to continue ruling this country and left the American people leaderless. So, I believe that all correct-thinking people would agree with the President's assessment of the severity of the January 6th event."

In related news, the Biden Administration is reported to be assiduously scanning social media to compile a list of Trump supporters for the purpose of putting these people on a "no fly" list. National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan explained that "neutralizing the mobility options for anti-democratic terrorists is a common sense move. It will slow their ability to effectively mass forces and move them to strategic strike zones."

NJ: "No Mask, No Vote"

New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy (D) has decreed that voters must wear a mask to the polls or they won't be allowed to vote. "I think that if you refuse to wear a mask, we're not letting you in, it's that simple," he said. "I know that voting is the most sacred right in a democracy, but health and safety must come first. I mean, what use is a right to vote if you are exposed to infection from those who insist on shunning the mask President Biden says is our patriotic duty?"

Murphy denied that his decree was an attempt to suppress voter turnout, saying everyone knows that voter suppression is the Republicans' game plan. They insist that every voter must show an ID to be given a ballot. They do this because it is nearly impossible for minorities to get IDs in our systemically racist society. My mask edict is totally different. In fact, many minorities are used to wearing masks when plying their trade. So, if anything it should boost minority participation. And as a bonus, the mask requirement will nullify any fear of being identified while casting a ballot. This will thwart Republican efforts to force people to verify that they are actually legitimately registered voters."

Biden Insists Bishops Are Wrong About Abortion

President Biden says the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops is wrong about condemning the use of aborted babies for research. The statement from the bishops noted it is possible to do research without using harvested tissue from aborted babies and added that "It is also deeply offensive to millions of Americans for our tax dollars to be used for research that collaborates with an industry built on the taking of innocent lives."

"From the very beginning, Christianity was founded on the sacrifice of the innocent for the benefit of humanity," Biden contended. "Jesus, the perfectly blameless innocent, was nailed to a cross to atone for mankind's sins. By this sacrifice the possibility of salvation was opened for all who believed in him. This is what I was taught in Sunday school as a boy."

"Today, the most innocent among us are the unborn children," Biden observed. "They are perfectly sinless. This makes them the ideal candidates to sacrifice their lives for the greater good. Opposing the use of the bodies of aborted babies prevents their deaths from helping others. I can't believe that this is what Jesus would've wanted. So, while I respect the Church, I feel it is my duty as a Christian to take a stand against error and my duty as president to use my power to right the wrong they seek to impose on society."

"I would further like to remind the Bishops that their stance is the same as former President Trump's," Biden added. "Trump isn't even a Catholic. Neither is he a good person. He conspired with the Russians to deny Hillary Clinton's right to the presidency in 2016. He attempted to steal the 2020 election. When that failed he instigated an insurrection at the Capitol in January. I urge the Bishops to reconsider their position. If they admit their mistakes and join those of us trying to transform America into a united progressive community I'm confident the people will forgive them."

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