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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 6, 2021 Edition

Emails Confirm Fauci's Dishonesty

A cache of the email correspondence of Dr. Anthony Fauci released this past week confirms virtually every criticism of the man uttered during the COVID pandemic. Almost every statement he made regarding the virus was either misleading or outright false.

While publicly pooh-poohing the idea that the coronavirus originated in China's Wuhan Lab, Fauci's emails reveal that he was engaged in a deliberate disinformation campaign to discredit this possibility "because it could reflect poorly on the Chinese government" and "could endanger the crucial 'gain of function' work they were conducting to upgrade the virus' ability to infect humans." Fauci's attempt to explain away what would strike most reasonable people as an extraordinarily dangerous venture as "worth the risk that it might cause a pandemic. There is no guarantee that a more deadly virus might evolve naturally. By creating a more deadly virus in the lab we would gain valuable knowledge that could be used to combat it." He further declared that "it is too farfetched to suggest that China might see 'gain of function' as a step toward developing a bio-weapon."

In the absence of any historical or medical basis for imposing lockdowns, Fauci persuaded President Trump to order a two-week lockdown to "flatten the curve and keep hospitals from being overwhelmed." This "two-weeks" stretched into a prolonged and indefinite period as governors throughout the nation assumed dictatorial "emergency powers" that hammered the economy, destroyed thousands of small businesses, and caused levels of unemployment not seen since the Great Depression. On an almost weekly basis Fauci repeatedly proclaimed that it would be too risky to lift the lockdowns. Now, German scientists at Munich University have found that lockdowns had no effect on reducing the country's coronavirus infection rate.

In his emails with fellow scientists Fauci agreed that "the virus particles are too small for a mask to be effective." Yet, after an initial message aimed at discouraging the general public from wearing masks, Fauci went all out in support of mandatory mask-wearing. He described his first recommendation against masks as "a white lie I used to preserve the supply of masks for medical personnel." As a matter of fact, though, medical personnel do not use the kinds of masks that are available to the general public. Fauci eventually went on the suggest that "wearing more than one mask is just common sense." In an effort to salvage the mask meme, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg admitted the medical ineffectiveness of masks, but said that "wearing them is a demonstration of respect for the governing authorities that order you to wear them." Unsurprisingly, a recently published University of Louisville study showed that masks did not help slow the spread of COVID.

Despite being told by other doctors that hydroxychloroquine was an effective therapy for treating COVID patients, Fauci publicly insisted on a rigid protocol of neglecting to treat patients until their condition became dire and then sending them to hospitals to be intubated until they either recovered or died. He defended his actions, saying that "the email about hydroxychloquine was too long for me to read" and that "the success of doctors using this therapy was unproven because there were no control groups'" (i.e., patients given a placebo instead of treatment). He went on to say that "I thought it would be better to put our trust in a vaccine. Even if this meant hundreds of thousands might have to die before a vaccine could be developed it would have the advantage of being scientific, which I viewed as preferable to cures achieved outside of a clinical environment."

Speculation that the publication of Fauci's emails could lead to his ouster was dismissed by Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki who described him as "an undeniable asshat" before circling back and revising this gaffe. "Did I say 'asshat?' I meant to say asset. It's hard for me to believe that the hero of the 2020 pandemic could really be as duplicitous as some of those emails make it seem. But even in a worst case scenario, let me remind everyone that most of the lying occurred when Trump was in office. Dr. Fauci wouldn't be the first person corrupted by his association with Trump."

In related news, another "gain of function" project supported by Fauci is experimentation with Ebola in Maryland to see if the virus can be enhanced to an airborne method of transmission. In contrast to COVID's 99% survival rate, Ebola has a much higher death rate. An estimated 90% of those who contract the disease in the wild end up dying from it. So far, the main thing keeping this pathogen from decimating humanity is that transmission requires direct contact with the body fluids of an infected person.

Court Rebukes Biden's Racist Aid Policy

The Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals declared the Biden administration's race-based approach to distributing COVID-relief funds unconstitutional. The nearly $2 trillion American Rescue Plan Act (ARPA) of 2021 was passed by Congress and implemented by the Biden Administration's Small Business administrator, Isabella Casillas Guzman. While the ARPA authorizes socially or economically disadvantaged businesses to be first in line for receiving aid, the Administration is illegally using race and sex as proxies for disadvantaged.

The Sixth Circuit ruled that "under the law 'disadvantaged' has specific criteria that must be met. First, the policy must target a specific episode of past discrimination. It cannot rest on a generalized assertion that there has been past discrimination in an entire industry. Second, there must be evidence of intentional discrimination in the past. Third, the government must have had a hand in the past discrimination it now seeks to remedy." Judge Amul Thapar explained "you cannot just assert that because a person is black or female that this person is socially disadvantaged. Explicit evidence of intentional discrimination is required."

President Biden called the ruling "ignorant and demented. Everyone knows that only a small percentage of blacks can figure out how to get a photo ID to vote. The overwhelming majority are totally befuddled. That's why so many of them have to resort to theft to meet their daily needs. If we have to prove explicit disadvantaged status for each person before we can dole out the funds spending will be slowed to a crawl." Biden is said to be torn between appealing to the Supreme Court or "just ignoring this erroneous ruling like President Jackson did in 1832."

"Remain in Mexico" Permanently Terminated

Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas announce the permanent termination of Trump's "remain in Mexico" policy. "The purpose of the policy was to reduce asylum fraud," Mayorkas observed. "However, the cruelty of stopping these long journeys on the one-yard line overwhelms this purpose."

"The dream of coming to America is what has made our country a prime destination for huddled masses yearning to live free," Mayorkas said. "Our nation is rich enough to make this dream come true. We cannot allow the miserly policy of America first to prevail after voters rejected it last November. The idea of reserving asylum for persons who have been politically oppressed is too narrow. Granting asylum to people from lands that are economically poor seems equally worthy to me."

The Secretary also pointed out "as a practical matter we are having a hard time luring Americans to go back to work. Too many of them are getting more money from unemployment compensation and federal stimulus payments than they can get from working. There's even talk in Congress of converting these temporary federal payments into a permanent guaranteed annual income. If this happens thousands more businesses will have to be closed due to lack of sufficient numbers of employees. We must do something to offset this problem. By being more welcoming to immigrants we can fill job openings that otherwise can't be filled."

Defunding Police Faring Poorly In Portland

Portland, Oregon Mayor Ted Wheeler's decision to try to mollify the violent mobs besieging the city by agreeing to "defund the police" is taking a big toll of black lives. The budget for police was cut by $27 million and the number of officers reduced by 120.

Crime is now considerably worse than it was last year. Shootings for the first four months of this year have doubled to 348 compared to the same months last year. Homicides have increased seven-fold since last year. A disproportionate number of those murdered have been blacks. A peaceful demonstration to mark the anniversary of George Floyd's death while in the custody of Minneapolis police degenerated into a riot in which windows were smashed, fires were set, and police were attacked with thrown bottles and rocks.

The Mayor is now lamenting the "depressing environment that has overtaken our city. Stores are boarded up. Foot traffic is down by 85%. Citizens need to come out and retake their community from the gun-wielding thugs who now run rampant."

Wheeler was quick to clarify that "retaking the city doesn't mean citizens should arm themselves. If we wanted armed people to fight crime we wouldn't be in the process of defunding the police. We need people to follow the non-violent examples set by Gandhi and Martin Luther King. I realize that this might seem risky, but I'm confident that the criminal element will eventually tire of murdering non-violent protesters. And voters can be reassured that my armed bodyguards will keep their Mayor safe." For those keeping score, both Gandhi and King were shot to death by thugs.

In related news, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has a plan to reduce crime and incarceration: "stop building jails. If there is no place to put criminals there will be fewer criminals. Combined with defunding police the contingent of those among us who are classified as criminals will shrink. First, you can't get a criminal record if you're never arrested. Second, you won't need jails if prosecutors refuse to prosecute. Third, without a safe place to reside between crimes, members of the criminal class will be walking free and have many opportunities to kill each other. Eventually, the criminal element will disappear by the natural attrition taking its toll on this violent subculture."

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