IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 13, 2021 Edition

CNN Moron Makes Comeback

After an eight-month absence following his on-screen masturbation in front of fellow employees during a Zoom meeting with New Yorker Magazine colleagues, CNN's longtime chief legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin his been restored to his cable news post. His first "gig" was to be interviewed by anchor Alisyn Camerota on CNN's "Newsroom" program.

Camerota's first question was "what the hell were you thinking?" Toobin responded "well, as most people know, the New Yorker is a very pro-masturbation environment. Self pleasuring is the safest form of sex. Toward the tail end of a very boring Zoom meeting I thought why not have some fun and help brighten everyone's day. I was blind-sided when some closet prude publicized my prank. I never would have expected being sent into exile for such a long period of time."

"So, you feel the punishment was too severe?" Camerota asked. "First, it was cruel and unusual punishment," Toobin insisted. "This violates the Eighth Amendment of the Constitution. In essence, I've done my sentence, but committed no crime. Second, masturbation is one of the rights explicitly retained by the people under the Ninth Amendment to the Constitution. As for the claim that I damaged the reputation of CNN, well, Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Jim Acosta, and others damage the network's reputation pretty regularly. None of them are ever punished."

Toobin is reportedly considering suing the New Yorker for firing him. "I had an exemplary reputation in my 27 years at the magazine," Toobin argued. "One instance of a difference of opinion over a minor episode shouldn't have been allowed to override a sterling record of performance, especially since there were more than 127,000 'likes' of my prank on my Facebook page."

Russia Outlaws Political Opposition

A court in Moscow has ruled that Alexey Navalny and the Anti-Corruption Foundation (FBK) he heads are "dangerous extremists" and placed them in the same "terrorist" category as ISIS and the Taliban. Navalny is currently in jail while other members of FBK have gone underground or fled the country.

Russia's criminalization of political opponents was sharply criticized by US Secretary of State Anthony Blinken who characterized it as "despotic and tyrannical." Russian Minister of Foreign Affairs Sergey Lavrov dismissed Blinken's comments, calling them "ironic. The Biden Administration's position on political opposition is the same as ours. President Biden himself declared that right-wing extremists are more dangerous than Islamic terrorists."

"They have declared the ragtag group of unarmed Trump supporters who vandalized the Capitol in January to be 'insurrectionists,'" Lavrov added. "These criminals are now being held in solitary confinement. Meanwhile, people who fought with police, looted businesses, and burned down buildings in so-called 'peaceful protests' are walking free because their politics agree with those of the Biden regime."

"Finally, even non-extremist political speech is routinely censored by the Regime's allies in the media and the social network oligarchs," Lavrov pointed out. "Members of the legal opposition party—senators, congressmen, and even former President Trump—are silenced, all with the approval of the ruling Democrat Party. So, you will have to pardon me if I don't take Secretary Blinken's criticism seriously."

In related news, Google's YouTube has censored a video of Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) questioning the medical bureaucracy's suppression of inexpensive treatments for COVID. More specifically, Johnson wondered "why the early uses of hydroxychloroquine and ivermectin were bad-mouthed by Dr. Fauci and blocked by governors in so many states when doctors using these drugs were reporting high rates of success." Google CEO Sundar Pichai explained that "it is important that everyone be unified around a single strategy rather that having individuals go off on different tangents. Blocking the voices that contribute to disunity is the function we can perform for the collective well-being of humanity."

Rapist Objects to Deportation

Adil Khan, impregnator of a 13-year-old and Qari Abdul Rauf, a member of a Muslim sex-trafficking gang, are appealing the United Kingdom's order for them to be deported back to Pakistan.

Khan insists "I'm not committing any crime. Allah has given women to men for their pleasure. Muhammad himself took a wife who was only 9 years old and consummated the marriage when she was 12. In Islam, Muhammad is the perfect man. How can I be punished for following his model?" Khan also argued that "since I gave up my Pakistani citizenship deporting me would make me a man without a country."

Rauf complained that "training girls to pleasure men is not a crime in Pakistan. It is valued part of our normal culture. Many men pay large sums to have sex with our trainees. How can providing this useful service be a crime?" Rauf went on to contend that "the decade that has passed since I was convicted under Britan's insane laws against the service I provided proves I'm not a present danger. I should be allowed to stay."

Home Secretary Priti Patel was unmoved by the men's complaints, saying "it's shameful that they are still here. The action to deport them should have been accomplished years ago. Sending them back to a place that they say is more compatible with their values and life style is better than what they deserve."

Congressional Black Caucus Rejects New Member

The Congressional Black Caucus has determined that newly elected Rep. Byron Donalds (R-FL) cannot be a member because he is not a Democrat. Caucus Chair Rep. Joyce Beatty (D-OH) questioned Donald's blackness, alleging that "the fact that he is a Republican and a Trump supporter argues that he is not authentically black. As President Biden has pointed out on several occasions 'if you're a Republican, you ain't black."

Donalds objected to "the implication that all blacks must think alike when it comes to politics. Historically, it has been Democrats that have played the bigger role in suppressing the voices and well-being of blacks. Democrats were slave owners. Democrats started the deadliest war in American history to defend slavery. After losing that war Democrats implemented Jim Crow laws and terrorized blacks with the Ku Klux Klan lynch mobs. The modern Democrat policy of enticing blacks into welfare dependency is keeping our people down."

"I think it's long past due for blacks to be respected as persons who can think for themselves," Donalds said. "I'd like to introduce this concept to blacks who are in a position to accomplish this. The members of the Black Congressional Caucus have such a position. Blacks shouldn't have to settle for life on the welfare plantation. They need government policies that clear the way for them to achieve their ambitions. These policies include respect for individual accomplishment and a government that doesn't regulate them out of business or tax away their hard-earned money. I wanted an opportunity to voice my ideas to black leaders. But it looks like they have turned a deaf ear to my diversity."

"Given Rep. Donalds remarks, I think it should be clear to everyone why he doesn't belong in our caucus," Beatty said. "He is thinking and acting white. There are already more than enough of those kinds of people in Congress. Merit and achievement are racist dog whistles. Slaves have already worked hard enough for our people. It's time we get paid."

Democratic Strategy for Dealing with Border Explained

Sen. Tom Carper (D-DE) appeared on MSNBC's "Andrea Mitchell Reports" to explain his Party's strategy for dealing with the surge of illegal immigration.

"Republicans call this a border crisis," Carper said. "The truth is that it's not the border that is the source of the crisis. This crisis is in the countries these migrants are coming from. The willingness to undertake a long, grueling and dangerous journey stems from the appalling conditions in these migrants' home countries. These countries are places of crime, violence, corruption, and lack of economic opportunity and hope. Closing the border and deporting these refugees doesn't neutralize the disparities that are the root causes of illegal border crossings."

"Well, President Biden and the Democratic Party have a comprehensive strategy for addressing the root causes," Carper asserted. "The components of our strategy include measures that directly strike at the differences between the United States and these hellhole countries. It is the Democratic Party that has embraced the defunding of police in our urban areas. We are already seeing impressive results. In the last year murders have risen to heights not seen in decades. It is the Democratic Party that supports massive federal stimulus payments of which almost $400 billion has been stolen. It is the Democratic Party that has most vigorously imposed lockdowns that have crushed tens of thousands of small businesses and destroyed the jobs of millions of workers. It is the Democratic Party that has fired up the fear and panic of COVID that has fueled a remarkable decline in the optimism and hope that have characterized this country for more than 200 years."

"Is it not clear that we have made significant progress in decreasing the incentive for people to come here?" Carper asked. "It was Trump's effort to make America great that stimulated the flow of people from the hellhole nations to our borders. Step-by-step and day-by-day the Democratic Party in the federal, state and local governments are leveling the playing field between here and there. Vice-President Harris' recent visit south of the border was an initial effort to communicate the message of America's decline. Once this message is understood the whole reason for migrating to this country will be negated. Latinos will see that America is just as corrupt, violent, and hopeless as their homelands and migration will slow to a trickle."

Fauci: "I Am Science & Truth"

Irritated by the publication of emails exposing his deceit and greed, Dr. Anthony Fauci went on MSNBC's "MTP Daily" to denounce his critics. Aided and abetted by the show's host Chuck Todd, Fauci declared "those who attack me are attacking science and truth."

"These Republicans—Blackburn, Rubio, McCarthy—who say I lied to America because they find contradictory statements in my emails are ridiculous," Fauci declared. "How do they know I wasn't lying in my emails? There is no way of telling which were the lies. That I know this and they don't proves that I am the scientist and they are not."

"What about the doctors who claimed to have had good results using hydroxychloroquine?" Todd asked. "Trump said they were on to something and recently a number of studies in different parts of the world seem to indicate that this therapy saved lives. What do you say to that?"

"I'd call that the opposite of science," Fauci said. "If they wanted to prove the therapy works they should have divided up their patients into two groups, given one group the medicine and the other a placebo. If more in the therapy group recovered than in the control group only then could you prove whether the therapy saved lives."

"Some of these doctors say that the standard therapy offered by hospitals was the 'control group,'" Todd pointed out. "I'm no expert, but couldn't comparing the two approaches show which is better?"

"The only thing your question proves is that you're no expert," Fauci replied. "I am the nation's top infectious disease expert. As long as I hold this office my views supersede those of lower ranking experts, which includes everyone else practicing medicine in this country. In effect, in America I am science and truth. My advice should be obeyed until someone else is appointed as the top expert. That is how science works in the real world."

In related news, Acting Office of Management and Budget Director Shalanda Young rebuffed Republican demands that we stop sending money to the Wuhan Lab. "Considering that the lab seems to have successfully enhanced the ability of the coronavirus to infect and kill humans I don't see why we should stop investing in this research," she observed. "Many government investments turn out to be a total waste. This one didn't. A case for increasing our financial commitment would appear the more logical choice."