IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 19, 2021 Edition

Grim COVID Data from UK

The latest data from the United Kingdom paints a grim picture of the battle against the COVID-19 virus. Deaths with COVID were 58 times higher this past month than they were a year ago when no vaccines were available. Further, 78% of the recent fatalities were persons who had been fully vaccinated.

US COVID expert Dr. Anthony Fauci called these figures "within the projected parameters. While it would seem to the non-expert that the vaccines aren't working, that would be the wrong conclusion. We never promised that the vaccines would prevent death. We said being vaccinated would lessen the severity of the disease for those who take the jab."

"Let me call your attention to the latest findings from Israel where doctors have confirmed that the Pfizer booster shots provide 12 days of protection," Fauci pointed out. "I know that this might not seem like much, but adding 12 precious days to the life of vaccinated victims of COVID gives them almost two more weeks of life on a ventilator compared those who have refused to get vaccinated."

"Further, research by Adam Pickard and Karl Kadler at the University of Manchester, United Kingdom suggests that drugs already approved for other diseases could be repurposed to treat COVID," Fauci added. "These researchers performed a screen of nearly 2,000 FDA-approved therapeutics and identified nine drugs effective in suppressing virus replication in SARS-CoV-2 infected cells. It may well turn out that hydroxychloroquine, ivermectin, and vitamin D can save lives. However, I still think it would be premature for us to approve widespread usage of them until we have full clinical studies showing they are safe and effective."

In related news, the death toll in New Zealand during the pandemic is 27 dying with COVID and 40 dying shortly after receiving a COVID vaccine. That would mean that out of a population of around five million, 0.0005% have died with COVID and 0.0008% have died after being vaccinated for COVID. Despite this amazingly small fatality rate, New Zealand is under strict lockdown with severe restrictions on where (to work, to buy food, and seek medical care) and how far (10 kilometers) away from home a person may travel.

Extreme Censorship of Anti-Lockdown Content

Facebook's head of security policy Nathaniel Gleicher says the social network platform "will implement "extreme censorship of the German anti-lockdown movement."

"These people are demanding freedoms that their own government has determined are a hazard to public health," Gleicher explained. "If we allow them to publish their dissenting views it could lead to others deciding to disobey the directives and mandates their governments have imposed on society. Here in America we have a subculture that immorally asserts that individuals have a right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. These quaint notions are out of step with the modern era. As President Biden has made clear, we must all be unified in purpose and behavior if we want our nation to thrive."

"Lockdowns are a vital tool for achieving the unity that is needed to bring society to a new level of collective solidarity," Gleicher said. "Lockdowns are a way to protect people from dangerous behavior. Neutralizing criticism of lockdowns is a contribution that Facebook can make. We are proud that we can play such an important role in identifying and crushing the blatant nonconformists who insist on resisting what is good for them."

Newsom Claims Mandate

Fresh off his impressive victory against those who forced him to face a recall election, Gov. Gavin Newsom claimed he now has a mandate for harsher crackdowns on those who resist his will.

"The ones who asserted that the people of this state were tired of getting pushed around by the government have been repudiated," Newsom boasted. "The majority wants to be told what they can and can't do. They are eager to follow orders. I will not disappoint them."

"We are going to boldly lean in with more COVID mandates," the Governor promised. "Everyone who wants to work in this state and live in this state will be required to follow the directives we issue. This includes wearing masks whenever we tell them to, get vaccinated, refrain from unnecessary travel and interactions with others, and whatever else we decide they must or must not do."

COVID isn't the only item on Newsom's agenda. Since winning the recall election he has taken a major step to reduce the proportion of single-family residences in the state. "There is no good reason for people to live in single-family homes," Newsom argued. "Apartment living is much more efficient. Walls can be shared. This lowers construction costs. Apartments also bring neighbors closer together. This generates more sociability and friendliness. Hearing your neighbors through the walls as they go about their daily activities shows you how much alike you are. It is an ideal accommodation for the masses of ordinary people. Eventually, everyone except the especially important and gifted among us will live in apartments and love it."

Feds Selectively Cut Back Antibody Therapy

The Biden Administration has reduced the allocation of monoclonal antibody treatments to Florida and Texas. "HHS will determine the amount of product each state and territory receives on a weekly basis," a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) said.

Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained that "the President is determined that the distribution of this drug must be equitable. States that are suing to overturn the President's mandate requiring employers to force their workers to get the jab are undermining the unifying goal of getting everyone vaccinated. Perhaps the reduced access to a life-saving therapy might be the shock therapy needed to change their minds."

"We know that Gov. DeSantis (R-Fla) thinks that because he took the initiative to deploy monoclonal therapy in his state he ought to be allowed to obtain the needed supplies," she observed. "But rewarding initiative is not equitable. It is the people who lack initiative that are in the most need of help. This has been a feature of our tax system and welfare distribution program for generations. The President assumes that the able and industrious can not only take care of themselves, but should also help take care of the unable and lazy."

DeSantis questioned the practicality of the so-called equity solution, saying "it doesn't make any sense to distribute the antibodies to states that aren't set up to use it. Remember during the early days of the pandemic when Gov. Cuomo (D-NY) made a big fuss about hospital beds and ventilators? Well, President Trump assisted him to obtain both. Still, Cuomo mismanaged the crisis. The beds and ventilators went underused. Cuomo sent COVID Patients into nursing homes where they infected and killed 15,000 vulnerable elderly residents."

DeSantis says he is now working with GlaxoSmithKline to get the monoclonal antibodies his state needs. Psaki pointed out that "one word from the President could kill this plan. COVID is a nationwide phenomenon. It needs a uniform nationwide strategy. DeSantis is in no position to provide or implement a uniform nationwide strategy. President Biden is. He will decide what everyone else can and can't do about COVID."

Gen. Milley Defends Actions

A new book--Peril--written by Bob Woodward and Robert Costa reports that Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Mark Milley broke the chain of command during the waning months of the Trump Administration by engaging in rogue actions involving China and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif).

According to the book, Milley called a general in China and promised him that he'd be told in advance of any attack on his country planned by the US government. His conversations with Pelosi entailed getting her advice on whether he should follow any orders given to him by the Commander-in-Chief.

Milley defended his communication with China, calling it "good sportsmanship. I wanted them to know that America is not a nation that employs sneak attacks. That's Japan's MO. If we're going to attack a foreign country we ought to have the class to say 'engarde' to give the other guy a chance to defend himself." To a reporter's question "didn't the United States go to a lot of trouble to keep the D-Day invasion plans secret?" Milley replied "that has always troubled me. I vowed never to repeat such an underhanded trick myself."

As for his interactions with Pelosi, Milley asserted that "I was convinced that Trump was unfit to be president. I was seeking to implement a peaceful transfer of power. The Speaker is next in line for the presidency after the vice-president, who I also considered unworthy of the job. If she had given me a clear go ahead signal I would have installed her in the Oval Office before the end of December 2020." Pelosi says she has "no memory of any discussions with Gen. Milley on any topic, ever. Since he was appointed by President Obama I assume he is very well qualified."

In related news, it has been revealed that Milley's claimed "righteous strike" did not take out a carload of suicide bombers, but an aid worker and his family of seven children. Milley admitted that "mistakes sometimes do occur. Regardless of the specific victims of the strike, the important thing is that it makes the point that the US military can reach out and kill someone anywhere in the world. Some may revile us for that, but they will also fear and obey us because of this incident."

Clinton Wants Trump Supporters Targeted

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called for Congress to "redeploy the troops coming home from Afghanistan to fight the threat to our democracy posed by Trump supporters. I realize that a lot of people will say that these people are not terrorists in the same way that ISIS or Al Qaeda are. There is no proof that they've killed anyone or hoarded a cache of weapons and explosives, but I think they are more dangerous than Arabs with guns and bombs."

"Sure the Islamic terrorists put on a great show," she argued. "They brought down buildings with suicide plane attacks, they planted bombs in public spaces, they beheaded men, women, and children, but they will never take down our government. Trump supporters will if we don't destroy them while we can. Rather than leaving the work up to an occasional hero like Michael Byrd, I think we need a focused and more massive operation to ensure that this movement doesn't survive. Our Army is the best trained killing force in the world. Let's use them right here at home and save the country from a resurgence of Trump's ideas and policies."

"If we had had troops ready on January 6th we wouldn't now have to be dealing with calls for 'political prisoners' to be freed, because most of the insurrectionists would be dead," Clinton contended. "Foolishly unarmed, it would have been child's play to mete out deadly force to them. We can't go back in time and rectify the situation, but we can forge ahead with plans to assault and shutdown the next Trump rally, to go door-to-door to disarm these domestic enemies. We should do it now while Democrats still control the government."

Former President George W. Bush praised Clinton "for her courageous vision. After the 9-11 attacks I thought fighting the Islamic terrorists was the most important thing I could do as president. Now I realize that 9-11 was nowhere near as dangerous to our country as Jan 6th was. I'd like to second Secretary Clinton's suggestion for how we should redeploy our troops."

Biden Wants IRS to Monitor All Bank Accounts

President Biden is asking Congress to appropriate $80 billion dollars to fund the expansion of the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) to enable it to continuously monitor all bank accounts.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said "governing the country would be easier if we had a more thorough knowledge of what everyone was doing with their money. How much are they spending? What are they buying? Who are they paying? Where does their money come from?"

"It may be that a significant portion of this money is being wasted on foolish self-indulgence," Yellen speculated. "By getting more information we could devise ways of redirecting this money toward more socially beneficial purposes. For example, a lot of parents accumulate money to pay for their children's education. A lot of others don't. If we want equity this has to change. The government is the one that should decide who gets how much education. There is no need for this to be a parent's concern and no need to allow them to hoard money to be used solely for the benefit of their own children."

"If there's one thing that President Biden is determined to eradicate it is selfishness," Yellen said. "Once the IRS has compiled a complete dossier on everyone's financial dealings and status we can redistribute funds that are not being spent in socially desirable ways into supporting needed government programs. We can put each person into his or her proper role in the ship-of-state. Some will be assigned to man the oars. Others will call out the strokes, and the needy will be given passage to the promised land."