IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 26, 2021 Edition

Biden Blames Trump

A feisty President Biden made a valiant effort to try to shift blame for the series of policy disasters that have plagued his time in office, claiming "it would be unfair of people to blame me for blunders foisted on me by my predecessor. The seeds of each and every calamity were sown by Donald Trump."

"Take the chaotic withdrawal from Afghanistan," Biden said. "Trump didn't tell me that he had an agreement with the Taliban to have also US troops and personnel out of the country by May 1, 2021. So, when this date came and went and there were still 3,500 US troops in Afghanistan the Taliban mounted an offensive that ultimately conquered the country. None of the generals advised me to secure the evacuation of Americans and our Afghan allies before I ordered our troops to abandon key defensive positions. These generals were all holdovers from the Trump era. So, it is his fault that there are people still stranded there."

"Then there's the millions of immigrants surging through our southern border," Biden observed. "It was Trump's policies that prevented most of these people from coming while he was president. Trump was building a wall, requiring refugees to wait in Mexico while their cases were under consideration, and working with the Mexican government to discourage illegal immigration. Restricting immigration is not a policy Democrats favor. Trump knew that. By bottling up immigration he ensured that there would be a flood of immigrants once he left office. I had no choice but to let them in and disperse them throughout the country because we don't have the room to hold them at the border while their cases are being processed. Clearly, Trump is to blame for the current mess."

"A last point I want to make today concerns our inability to crush the pandemic," Biden said. "Trump brags that he facilitated the vaccines that are needed to defeat the virus, but he refused to mandate that everyone get vaccinated. This was a continuation of his refusal to mandate masks and lockdowns past the initial two weeks to flatten the curve back in March of 2020. The patchwork of inconsistent restrictions from state-to-state that resulted left people confused. A nationwide commitment to universal lockdowns, masks, and vaccinations would have allowed an unified country to simply get used to obeying the directives their government imposed. By the time I took office a substantial portion of the population was under the impression that these health rules violated their constitutionally protected right to freedom. They mistrust the government and balk at getting the vaccinations I have ordered them to get. All of this is Trump's fault."

China Threatens Nuclear Attack

Calling the strategic alliance of the US, India, Japan and Australia aimed at deterring a Chinese attack on Taiwan "an aggressive encirclement," Beijing's former ambassador to the UN, Sha Zukang says his country "must consider the option of a first-strike nuclear response."

Sha went on to characterize "the US's passive measures to undermine the effectiveness of China's strategic forces in their righteous effort to reunite this breakaway province with the mother country" as "a criminal conspiracy to deny our sovereignty over our whole country. The US cannot rely on us to forbear the use of whatever force is needed to defend our sovereignty."

Sha called the US policy pledging "to defend democracy, freedom of navigation, and security" a "provocation. The presence of hostile military forces in the region is a threat we cannot ignore. Since the United States possesses nearly twenty times the number of nuclear warheads China has, striking first is our best chance of leveling the playing field."

President Biden is said to have called upon his son Hunter "to call on his contacts in China and work his magic in building bridges and crafting deals that unify divergent interests into one joint and prosperous venture. I know my boy can come up with a solution that will put money in all our pockets."

In related news, the Biden Administration rebuffed advice from Lithuania's defense ministry that consumers not buy the "Flagship" smartphone manufactured by China's Xiaomi Corp "because the phones have a built-in ability to detect and censor content. Nominally, this feature can be turned off by the phone user, but it can be turned back on remotely at any time by the manufacturer." Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained that "the President has been using a Flagship phone that Hunter gave him last year and hasn't had any problems with it."

Pelosi Defends Abortion

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended The Women's Health Protection Act from San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone's assertion that "the bill is nothing short of child sacrifice," by claiming that "God has given us all free will. I am using my free will to make sure that no state can implement any restrictions on any woman's free will to terminate the life of her own unborn child."

"Just because I am a Catholic doesn't mean that I must blindly follow the dictates of a meddlesome priest," the Speaker explained. "In this country we have freedom of religion. I can practice my religion in any way I see fit. Luckily, when I take communion all my sins are forgiven."

The Archbishop agreed that "God gives us free will, but if people choose to do evil with that gift they fail to honor what God has given them. It is true that sins can be forgiven through the completion of certain rites of the Church—of which communion is one. However, forgiveness is granted on the true repentance of the sinner and her determination to not repeat the sin. Passing legislation that would outlaw any restraints against killing the unborn will lead to many more mothers murdering their own children. So, not only is Speaker Pelosi not repenting, she is encouraging millions of women to commit a most heinous sin."

In related news, citing the new Texas law restricting abortions, the City of Chicago is placing ads in Dallas newspapers urging residents who want to abort their babies to move to Chicago "where everyone has the right to an abortion—no questions asked." The ads go on to mock "the weak sop of lower taxes, lower cost of living, and fewer personal restrictions that Republicans offer in your state."

AOC Weeps on House Floor

A House of Representatives decision by a 420 to 9 majority to appropriate $1 billion for Israel's "Iron Dome" missile defense system led to an outburst of tears from Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY). Last week, her "squad" of socialist firebrands had convinced a House committee to remove this funding from the budget.

"It's just not fair," AOC complained. "This air-defense system makes Israel virtually impregnable to the crude rockets the Palestinians launch from Gaza. It gives Palestinians no real chance of inflicting damage on their oppressors."

Palestinian rockets are typically aimed at targets in which a lot of innocent women and children are present, not military targets—a phenomenon that AOC described as "crucial to the kind of asymmetric warfare practiced in the region. These rockets are ineffectual against military targets protected by armor and fortifications. It's the same reason why al Qaeda attacked the World Trade center 20 years ago. US and Israeli military targets are too hard for the feeble weapons their adversaries possess. By refunding Iron Dome we are favoring Goliath over David."

Nazi-Like Vaccination Tactics Discussed

Inspired by President Biden's frustration and hatred toward the unvaccinated portion of the US population, FDA economist Taylor Lee expounded on the ideas he has been forwarding to the President for addressing the issue.

"It seems to me that an easy solution would be to shoot vaccine darts into persons suspected of being unvaccinated," Lee said. "I've seen many nature shows where large wild animals have been inoculated with darts containing sedatives prior to transporting them or giving them medical attention. Federal sharpshooters could take up positions near a planned anti-vax protest and open fire at an opportune time. This would accomplish two objectives. First, unvaxxed persons would be immediately vaxxed on the spot. Second, as news about this spreads, these types of protests will be discouraged."

"A second approach would be the inverse of a vaccine passport," Lee suggested. "Persons who are not vaccinated could be required to wear a symbol indicating their unvaxxed status. This would make it easier for the vaccinated to shun them. It might also breakdown their resistance to getting vaccinated. Germany used this approach in the 1930s to help deal with a segment of the population that was suspected of disloyalty and posed a danger to society."

"A third idea I have is to quarantine all the unvaccinated in an undesirable location like the State of Texas," Lee urged. "With all the disloyal people confined in one place it will be easier to keep the rest of the country pure. We could all live our normal lives without having to fear being infected by disease carriers. At the same time, disinfectant measures—like shooting them with darts—could be carried out without endangering those loyal to the government. Eventually, everyone will be vaccinated and the pandemic will be over."

Press Secreary Jen Psaki acknowledged that "the President has received Mr. Lee's recommendations and expressed his gratitude. He is also intrigued by Peter Daszak's suggestion that vaccinations could be accomplished by releasing skin-penetrating nanoparticles carrying the vaccine into the air. The President is especially pleased to have these additional arrows added to his quiver should his recent mandates prove inadequate to achieve the goal of universal vaccination."

Schiff Calls for Criminal Contempt Charges

Professing himself "gravely disappointed by the lack of any serious charges against the January 6 insurrectionists," the head of the House Intelligence Committee Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) is now calling for "criminal contempt charges to be lodged against all of the participants who refuse to confess."

"The nation needs to heal," Schiff contended. "For that to happen we need to punish those who so nearly overthrew the duly elected new president. While hard evidence is scarce, the behavior of those currently jailed awaiting trial can only be described as obstruction of justice. They all know they are guilty of treason. If they had any decency they would admit it, accept their punishment, and put the nation on the road to total unity."

"Ideally, the Department of Justice would levy the charges against these miscreants," Schiff argued. "Though criminal contempt is not a hanging offense, it can still sting. General Flynn's career was wrecked by a similar charge when he obstructed the FBI's efforts to oust President Trump for defeating Secretary Clinton in the 2016 election. If the DOJ won't do its duty, Congress could deploy the rarely used Bill of Attainder and legislate an appropriate punishment on each and every one one of these Trump henchmen."

Fauci Warns Against Gov't Shutdown

Though he was all for the government ordering an economy-wide shutdown to stop the spread of the coronavirus, infectious disease genius Dr. Anthony Fauci is concerned that Republican objections to the Democrats' spending binge"could lead to a government shutdown that would worsen the pandemic."

"The shutdown ordered in 2020 targeted only nonessential businesses," Fauci said. "Society could and did survive the casualties taken by this sector of the economy. In fact, it could be argued that the elimination of these small fry businesses actually helped reshape the whole production and distribution processes into a more consolidated and efficient mode. Relying on giant corporations to handle everything promotes more uniform solutions to society's needs."

"However, a shutdown of the government due to one Party's refusal to agree to provide the funding that experts deem necessary to build-back-better could be disastrous," the Doctor argued. "Government is the brain of the collective being we call society. If this brain is rendered inoperative because of partisan obstruction, tens of millions will die. As a life-long medical professional it is my responsibility to save lives. That is why I have advised President Biden to bypass a gridlocked Congress and appropriate the needed funds on his own authority as Commander-in-Chief."

Biden Demands "Dishonorable Discharge" for Vaccine Refuseniks

Concerned that a mere loss of one's job for declining to be vaccinated might not be sufficient to secure the necessary obedience to his will, President Biden is calling for employers to label the firing of these "refuseniks" a "dishonorable discharge."

"When I was told that an estimated 30% of our troops are refusing to take the COVID vaccine I was shocked," the President reported. "Soldiers take an oath pledging their obedience to their Commander-in-Chief. Their loyalty to me should serve as an example for the civilian population. Failure to fulfill their oath is dishonorable. Hence, their subsequent discharge from the Armed Forces should also be dishonorable. Their future lives should be made as difficult as we can make them."

"Then I got to thinking why should soldiers be the only ones to have to pay for their disloyalty," Biden mused. "Hasn't virtually every American pledged his allegiance to the country at one time or another during their lives? Doesn't a person's current refusal to obey my decree that he or she be vaccinated violate that pledge? I think it does. That is why I am amending my mandate that employers make vaccination a condition of employment to include a requirement that the employer classify the ex-employee's separation from the business as 'dishonorable' and document this in the person's file so future potential employers can be made aware of that individual's low character."

The President also acknowledged that "the courageous efforts of the Australian government to suppress resistance to vital health measures including vaccination, stay-at-home orders, and masking requirements tells me I should be doing more to compel responsible behavior among my own people in America. Why just the other day, Australian police were out in the streets clubbing protesters who were illegally outside their homes for an unauthorized activity. Later the police were firing rubber bullets at them. I told the fella from down under that such dedication to protecting the health of his people is a model for us to follow here."

In related news, several agencies within the Biden Administration have bought surveillance drones from DJI, a manufacturer based in Shenzhen, China. Although the Department of Defense has labeled these drones a security threat, FBI Director Christopher Wray doesn't see it that way, saying that "when it comes to surveillance China is at the top of the heap. They've been doing it longer and better than we have. Their equipment is top notch and the data we gather will be routinely backed up at the factory in China. That way even if malcontents here mess with our drones we won't lose any of it."

CNN Denounces Nicki Minaj

CNN's chief media correspondent Brian Stelter called Hip-Hop singer Nicki Minaj's suggestion that each person do his or her own research before deciding whether to get vaccinated "an invitation to anarchy. The American people aren't smart enough to do their own research on health matters. They are better off leaving the research and the decision on whether to get vaccinated to the experts working at the CDC."

"Look, not even I—one of the most experienced and intelligent journalists on the planet—can figure out what's what when it comes to the medical complexities of the pandemic," Stelter asserted. "The fact that there are people dumb enough to heed the advice of someone as ignorant as Ms. Minaj is proof that the vast majority of Americans need to do as they are told by the President and Dr. Fauci rather than take matters into their own hands. That is the path to death and destruction."

"Right now the President and Dr. Fauci are telling everyone to get vaccinated," Stelter said. "Citizens can assist the President to achieve his goal of universal vaccination by shaming their family and friends who aren't vaccinated to get vaccinated. If they are employers they can coerce their employees to get vaccinated and fire them if they don't. If they are government officials like New York Mayor Bill de Blasio they can block unvaccinated persons from eating in restaurants or shopping in stores. These are the things that responsible Americans can do for their country in this time of dire peril from this deadly disease."

In related news, more than 3,000 physicians and scientists have signed a declaration accusing COVID policy makers of "crimes against humanity for preventing physicians from providing life-saving treatments for their patients and suppressing open scientific discussion. These crimes have resulted in the deaths of thousands and the suffering of millions around the world." The signers demanded the "separation of medicine from politics and the restoration of doctor-patient autonomy." President Biden has asked Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra to look into whether the medical licenses of these doctors can be revoked "for denying the truth of my mandates."