IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 31, 2021 Edition

NAACP Warns Athletes about Texas

National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) president and CEO Derrick Johnson warned professional athletes against agreeing to play for teams located in Texas. The inspiration for this warning is the new Texas law limiting abortions after the baby's heartbeat is detected.

"One of the highly valued perks of being a pro athlete are the many opportunities for sex with nubile young women who are attracted by your physique," Johnson pointed out. "Easy access to abortion was your parachute to escape a possible 18 years or more of child-support payments to a woman you hardly know. The new law rips this parachute to shreds."

"Rather than having many months to persuade a young woman you've impregnated to have an abortion, you'll have maybe a few days or no opportunity before the heartbeat is detected," Johnson said. "The millions of dollars you worked so hard to get could be whittled away because of a few moments of casual pleasure."

Biden Wants to Pay Illegals $450,000 Each

The Departments of Justice, Homeland Security, and Health and Human Services are said to be offering to settle lawsuits filed by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) on behalf of 900 persons who entered the United States illegally during the Trump Administration.

ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty asserted that "it is already a matter of law that if a person breaks into your home and you injure him you must pay damages. Our 900 clients have all sustained severe psychological trauma as a result of Trump's policy. First, many incurred thousands of dollars in expenses paying coyotes to smuggle them into the country. This money was supposed to be paid off by the benefits they expected to collect as indigent immigrants. The damages we are seeking are in lieu of those benefits."

Attorney General Merrick Garland called the ACLU's case "irrefutable. The $450,000 per injured immigrant is a small price to pay to make this go away."

Whether the proffered payoff will succeed in making the issue go away was cast into doubt by Petty's observation that "the Biden Administration has bused hundreds of thousand recent immigrants to various parts of the country and just dropped off on city streets without giving them cash or weapons with which they could earn their own upkeep. These people also deserve compensation for this injustice."

Yellen Says Big Spending Will Fight Inflation

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen defended the Biden Administration's multi-trillion dollar spending spree, saying "it will help tamp down inflation. Inflation is caused by too much private sector spending. Increased government spending will siphon money out of the private sector by first driving up the cost of consumer goods making them too expensive to purchase. This will force consumers to cut back on their spending."

"Second, the efficiencies stimulated by the build back better plan will start to kick in as people switch from their selfish attitudes toward how they spend their own money toward a more public-spirited willingness to sacrifice for the common good," the Secretary maintained. "More will happily make do with what they already have in the knowledge that the government will make better use of the money than they could have if left alone to feed their own personal vices."

Rep. Troy Carter (D-LA) concurred with Yellen's prognostication, saying that "historically, government has always shown more astute judgment in how money is spent than the common people. Government occupies a higher vantage point and a more noble dedication to the common good. Money that individuals would have wasted on fancy foods, clothes, housing, travel, and entertainment will be more wisely invested in the surveillance  technologies humanity needs for the future."

Biden Vows to Keep Vaccination Pressure Up.

President Biden warned vaccine resisters that "loss of your job isn't the only penalty you'll face for refusing to abide by my wishes that you take the covid jab. I just learned that in Australia the government is seizing homes, bank accounts, and driver's licenses from those who refuse its vaccination mandates. Most intriguing of all, the government is proudly instituting a two-tiered citizenship status—one for the vaccinated who will be allowed some limited freedoms and one for the unvaccinated who won't."

"All you unvaccinated people need to face reality," the President advised. "The government is bigger, stronger, and smarter than you are. We have the resources to outlast your resistance. We have an unlimited borrowing capacity. We can take your resources away from you by taxes and fines. We have the power to create money. We are unstoppable. The sooner you agree to our demands, the sooner you can start earning privileges that will make you lives easier."

The Biden Administration is also said to be considering allowing a reprieve for children of vaccine resisters from the mandate to take the jab if the parents submit to being vaccinated. White House chief of staff Ron Klain is reported to be an advocate of this approach since "parents are known to make great sacrifices to protect their children. Of course, once the parents are vaccinated there's no going back for them. We can still go ahead and vaccinate their children at a later date."

In related news, the Food and Drug Administration's Vaccines and Related Biological Products Advisory Committee voted 17-0 to make 5 to 11 year olds "eligible" to be vaccinated. As one of the FDA committee members explained "while there is no scientific evidence that these vaccines are safe or that children need them, it was the committee's gut feeling that we ought to give it a try. After all, we're never going to find out if the vaccines are safe for children until we start inoculating large numbers of them."

McAuliffe to Challenge Election Results

In anticipation that he may well lose in the November 2 governor's race, former governor Terry McAuliffe has hired the Elias Law Group. Marc Elias formerly worked as a partner at the law firm Perkins Coie. Perkins Coie played a major part in concocting the fraudulent Steele Dossier that alleged Russians helped Trump cheat in his 2016 victory over Hillary Clinton. The two-year Mueller investigation found no evidence to support this allegation.

Concerned that news of this hire could reflect negatively on McAuliffe, campaign spoksperson Christina Freundlich sent out an email seeking the media's help in suppressing this story. She carelessly used a media list that included Fox News. Now the story is gaining a wider audience.

Additional news that is unflattering toward McAuliffe included a gaggle of Young Democrats disguised as white nationalists appearing at a Glen Youngkin campaign event, a sample of vote-by-mail ballots that showed in 90% of cases the named voter did not live at the address the ballot arrived at, that the campaign invested nearly $500,000 in fake news websites, and Renzo Olivari, Communications Director for Terry McAuliffe, has has authored a series of bigoted tweets that used the N-Word and insulting stereotypes of the black community.

Freundlich brushed all of this off, calling it "innovations that the Democratic Party has been fostering and testing across the nation. We don't just sit back and let voters make up their own minds. We actively direct them toward the correct way of thinking and acting, which has been succinctly summarized as 'just win, baby.'"

In related news, former president Obama called Virginia parents' objections to the Loudoun County School Board's cover-up of a sexual assault of a 15-year-old girl by a male transgender student in a restroom "fake outrage aimed at derailing the reelection of Gov. McAuliffe. Sexual experimentation by teenagers is common. Many are intrigued by oral sex and sodomy. I know I was. That such experimentation is now more feasible with restrooms being open to persons of whatever sexual orientation is something to be applauded. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the so-called assault charge was invented by the girl out of fear of what her parents would think."

Oddly, though, the boy charged with the sexual assault who was moved to another school as part of the cover-up committed another similar assault. Further, just this week juvenile court judge Pamela Brooks ruled that the boy did force himself on a 15-year-old girl last May in restroom at Stone Ridge High School in Leesburg, Virginia.

NJ Gov Says "No Blanket Vax Mandate"

In an undercover video made by an investigative reporter for Project Veritas, Democrat strategist and activist Wendy Martinez admitted that "Gov. Phil Murphy does intend to issue a vaccination mandate, but not until after he is reelected. Right now, too many voters are all into the 'my body, my rights' shit. If they knew that Phil intended to order everyone to take the jab they'd probably vote him out of office."

Matthew Urquijo, manager of New Jersey Forward, a coalition of powerful public and private sector interests supportive of Murphy's governing agenda, echoed Martinez's fears, saying that "our polls show that independent voters oppose a vax mandate by a 56% to 32% majority. We have to force everyone to be vaccinated to save lives. Dr. Fauci knows this, President Biden knows this, Gov. Murphy knows this, everyone who cares about saving lives knows this. But we can't let voters know this if we want to win on Tuesday."

In order to dampen down outrage after the release of the Veritas videos, the Governor's office issued a denial, insisting that "there are no plans for a blanket Covid-19 vax mandate. Anything that would be done would be carefully targeted to impose penalties only on those who need this incentive to do as they are told. It is for similar reasons that the Governor's plans to raise taxes by $1.2 billion and to distribute $40 million dollars of public funds to the recent immigrants that the Biden Administration has sent to New Jersey will not be announced until after the election."

Fauci Backs Cruel Experiments

On top of being revealed a liar regarding his public testimony denying that the National Institutes of Health (NIH) funded "gain-of-function" research at the Wuhan Lab where a bat coronavirus was made more deadly and infectious, a series of disclosures about other dubious research activities he has assisted emerged this week.

One particularly cruel experiment was a study where beagle puppies were fed to sand flies. Since the dogs were still alive while being eaten their vocal chords where severed "so as not to unduly distress the lab workers conducting the study." The point of this research was not fully explained.

In another study, researchers funded by the NIH tortured monkeys. First, they damaged their brains with toxic acid then terrorized them with rubber snakes and spiders—creatures the monkeys instinctively fear. The point of this research was not fully explained.

A third set of cruel experiments was conducted on orphaned children in New York City. Test subjects were given a variety of toxic drugs thought to be potentially useful for helping AIDS sufferers. Dozens died during and subsequent to these experiments. The point of this research was not fully explained.

Dr. Fauci defended these research projects and called the research "necessary to support the U.S. Food and Drug Administration's regulatory activities. The selection of orphans for some of these projects ensured that families wouldn't be traumatized by the suffering inflicted on the test subjects. The complaint that none of the test subjects gave informed consent is absurd. None were capable of giving consent. The scientists involved simply weighed the value of the lives that would be sacrificed compared to the knowledge gained. That was enough consent for them to go forward."

Fines to Break Harbor Logjam

The shipping backlog at two Southern California ports is throwing a major wrench into the US economy. Ships can't be unloaded because of California environmental regulations restricting the type of trucks that will be allowed to haul the freight containers and the insistence that unvaccinated truck drivers cannot be permitted to enter the area where the containers stored before being shipped out across America.

President Biden's order that the ports remain open 24/7 has done nothing to unjam the blockage cause by the inapt previous regulatory restrictions. This has inspired a follow-up idiotic measure aimed at stimulating the transport of the containers: fines for ships staying more than nine days in the harbor. Most of the ships in the harbor have been there for many weeks.

US Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg took a break from changing diapers to explain that "since the thing that enabled Obamacare to obliterate the preexisting health care system was the fine for not buying an Obamacare insurance plan, it stands to reason that a fine is what is needed to get these shippers off their duffs and start delivering the freight. Buy the new trucks that Gov. Newsom has prescribed. Get vaccinated. Or start paying $100 a day for each container on-board."

An estimated 250,000 containers are currently waiting to be off-loaded in these California ports. The daily fine will run to to about $25 million—an amount that Buttigieg predicts "will force these shipping companies to either unload quickly or go elsewhere to deliver their cargo."

Gov. Ron DeSantis has pointed out that "in Florida we have no self-defeating demand that every truck be a new truck nor that every driver be vaccinated. We may be further from Asian markets, but the extra travel distance is offset by our state's sensible and sane shipping procedures."