IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Humor

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 14, 2021 Edition

Biden Doing a Great Job on Economy

In an interview on MSNBC's "Morning Joe," former Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) brushed off host Joe Scarborough's concern that soaring inflation and supply chain problems "raise questions about the President's competence" and insisted that "Biden has done a great job on the economy."

"Inflation is caused by consumers spending too much money on things they don't really need," McCaskill said. "Ordinary people are unable to perceive the genius behind the President's plan. The supply chain problems are specifically designed to help combat consumer-caused inflation. Namely, if the merchandise can't be unloaded, consumers can't buy it."

"Well what about gas prices?" Scarborough asked. "Are they affected by the supply chain backlog?"

"Not exactly," McCaskill replied. "The President had the foresight to cutoff a couple of pipelines and reduce oil drilling leases on federal land. Both of these steps decrease availability of gasoline. This discourages people from traveling by expensive automobile transportation. Between traveling less, using public transit, and not wasting money on stuff they don't need we will be able to short-circuit the inflationary cycle that the free market is prone to facilitate."

In related news, Biden urged that "we take a long-term view of the economy. You know the Great Economist John Maynard Keynes pointed out that 'in the long run we are all dead.' So, in a very real sense, inflation is transitory. Personally, I am not worried about it. No matter how high prices go, the government will always get the money it needs. The Constitution grants Congress the power to tax and the Federal Reserve has the authority to create money. So, I don't see why some people are getting so worked up about rising prices."

FBI Breaches Attorney/Client Privilege

Judge Analisa Torres from the Southern District of New York, ordered the FBI to stop extracting data from James O'Keefe's phone. It seized this phone in its search for the diary of Ashley Biden. FBI Director Christopher Wray said "it's too late. We've already copied everything on the phone and leaked it to the New York Times."

Wray's boss Attorney General Merrick Garland questioned "whether attorney/client privilege is a relevant consideration in a matter posing a severe danger to the President. Mr. O'Keefe has seen the diary. The diary is reputed to contain details of some inappropriate sexual contact between Biden and his daughter when she was a child. O'Keefe's knowledge of the contents makes him a security threat. There must be no constraints on the actions that the FBI deems are necessary to neutralize such a threat."

"For years Mr. O'Keefe has been engaged in activities that have invaded the privacy of many persons engaged in dubious activity," Garland observed. "His argument that these activities are illegal doesn't give him the right to expose them. His claim that he is an investigative journalist and is protected by the First Amendment's freedom of the press is a twisted interpretation of the law. Investigations are the responsibility of law-enforcement agencies like the FBI. Interlopers cannot be tolerated."

CDC: Natural Immunity to Covid Not Our Concern

Persons who have contracted Covid and recovered would seem to be a relevant factor in determining the course of the current pandemic. For centuries it has been known that survivors of virulent diseases routinely acquire immunity to the pathogen. Serums derived from their blood have often been used to assist others to survive. Yet, the US Centers for Disease Control (CDC) says it has not looked into this.

The CDC's information officer Roger Andoh admitted that "we don't have a single instance in which a survivor of covid was found to transmit the infection to another person. In our defense, though, we haven't been looking for one because it hasn't been part of our mandate to do so. Operation Warp Speed emphasized quickly developing a vaccine. Getting involved in alternate theories for battling the virus would be a time-consuming undertaking. This simply was never part of our job."

"Our job was to get a vaccine produced and injected into as many people as possible as fast as we could," Andoh asserted. "With the vast majority of American adults now being fully vaccinated it seems incontrovertible that we have succeeded at that job. Now that vaccinating children has been approved and the President's vaccination mandate has pressured the unvaccinated to get vaccinated or lose their jobs, our 100% vaccinated goal is within reach."

In related news, Press Secretary Jen Psaki revealed that "snitches will play an important role in fulfilling the President's dream of a fully vaccinated population. OSHA doesn't have enough employees to enforce the mandate without the help of loyal Americans keeping an eye on their employers and calling OSHA if there is any failure to use the utmost of legally authorized coercion to encourage employees to get their jabs. We know that tattletales have a poor reputation in American culture, but we're hoping that will change given the seriousness of the covid threat."

New Approaches for Dealing with Crime

The spike in crime following some progressive reforms including no bail release of suspected felons, early release from prison for violent offenders, and reduced budgets for hiring police officers, has spurred enlightened thinkers to seek an alternate approach. In Los Angeles, that approach is a new advisory urging victims to "cooperate and comply" with those assaulting and robbing them.

LAPD Chief Michael Moore explained that "money that could've paid for increased police patrols in dangerous areas has been diverted to the city's new experimental guaranteed minimum income program. So there's very little we can do to protect the innocent from criminals. Even if we accidentally run across a crime in progress and apprehend the perp, chances are he won't spend more than a few hours in custody before a judge orders his release. As a result, we're now advising people to protect themselves."

"The best thing you can do to stay safe is not go out in public for any reason," Moore said. "Assuming that you might need to go out to buy food, for example, do it during daylight hours in safer neighborhoods. Avoid crime hot spots like areas near public housing, bars, restaurants, homeless encampments, public parks, drug pushers, sex workers, and the like. And don't take anything of value with you like cash, cell phones, watches, or jewelry."

"We used to tell people to drive to the nearest police station if they feel threatened," Moore remembered. "Now that is risky because we could be releasing dangerous suspects from those locations at any time of day or night. Your safest option is to cooperate and comply with whatever the criminal demands. If he wants to rob you give him whatever he asks for. You can always get new stuff. If he wants to rape you don't resist. Rape by itself isn't fatal. It's the force the rapist has to use to subdue you that is apt to cause great bodily harm."

"Remember, as we transition to the 'great reset' norms will change," Moore pointed out. "Those who adapt to the new lifestyle and values the quickest will suffer the least. As we lose our attachments to material goods, individualism, and privacy take pride that your city is on the leading edge of this transformation."

Meanwhile in New York City, Hawk Newsome, co-founder of Black Lives Matter of Greater New York warned newly elected Mayor Eric Adams "not to try to undo Mayor de Blasio's decriminalization of crime. If he thinks that they're going to go back to the old ways of policing, then we are going to take to the streets again. There will be riots, there will be fire and there will be bloodshed." If there is rioting it will be especially unpleasant wading through the tons of garbage that is piling up since 1400 sanitation workers were furloughed without pay at de Blasio's orders for not getting vaccinated for covid.

Kerry Dismisses Slave Labor Concerns

President Biden's climate envoy former Secretary of State John Kerry dismissed a question about whether he was concerned that a Chinese company in which he holds a million dollar stake is using slave labor to build solar panels, saying "that's not in my lane."

"Look, I don't know every detail about how the solar panels are made, but the fact that the product is solar panels puts it on the right side of the climate crisis," Kerry argued. "It's fossil fuels that are destroying the climate. Anything that can help avert this is worthy of pursuing regardless of the particular methods that are being employed to accomplish this. I would say that to the extent that costs are saved by employing forced labor the panels won't cost as much and that's a good thing because more people will be able to afford buying them and more investors like myself will be encouraged to buy more shares."

Schiff Defends Touting Steele Dossier

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) spent the entire four years of the Trump Administration insisting that the Steele Dossier proved Trump colluded with Russia to win the 2016 election. Now that the dossier has been conclusively debunked he was asked if he had any regrets or second thoughts.

"No, not really," Schiff said. "There were so many signs indicating the dossier was genuine. First, we all knew what a devious rat Trump is. We felt confident that he had the motive and opportunity to commit such a crime. Second, the dossier was paid for by the Clinton for President campaign's law firm. This lent an air of integrity that convinced us that Trump's denials were lies. Third, our accusations served as a major distraction that helped derail many of the policy initiatives that Trump hoped to implement. This alone would have made the whole incident worthwhile even if all our charges against Trump were false."

"The Trump agenda threatened to undo decades of settled policy on taxes, spending, foreign affairs, and social welfare," Schiff pointed out. "Stopping this justified any and every scheme we could conceive being carried out. Call it all a lie if you want, but I contend that it was a noble lie of the kind any patriot would tell given the circumstances. While we were unable to restore Secretary Clinton to her rightful place as president, we may have persuaded voters to reject Trump's reelection. And for that, I believe the vast majority of Americans are grateful that Joe Biden is now the one sitting in the White House."

Veep Mystified by Criticism of Her French Accent

Vice-President Kamala Harris was video taped using a French accent when she spoke with scientists at the Institut Pasteur in Paris this week. She was widely mocked on social media for this affectation and professed herself "mystified by how cruelly I am being treated."

"I thought it was polite to speak in the other person's language," Harris said wiping away a tear. "It's a show of respect. All the French scientists I spoke with seemed happy that I was using their tongue. They smiled and nodded. We were all speaking French. Their accents were the same as mine. We were communicating with complete understanding and agreement."

"One of the most interesting parts of the conversation was how science in France differs from science in America, " Harris contended. "In France each scientist offers his own hypothesis. A variety of views are freely presented and contested. All agree that tests must ultimately determine which theories are correct. I explained to them that in America government officials determine which theories are correct and allowed to be promulgated and which are misinformation that must be censored. They seemed to get a kick out of what I said."

"So, contrary to the contentions that I made a fool of myself, I'm quite sure that the bonds of understanding between our two countries are now stronger for my efforts," the Vice-President concluded. "I'm thinking my detractors need to have their Twitter accounts suspended for spreading misinformation and undermining the unity that the President and I are working so diligently to achieve."

Biden Vetoes Court Order

Despite the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit's ruling that President Biden's vaccine mandate be paused pending a judicial review of "grave statutory and constitutional issues," White House Deputy Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said "the President has ordered businesses to proceed with compelling employees to get vaccinated."

"After careful review of the Court's ruling, the President has decided that his powers as Commander-in-Chief during the current covid emergency permit him to veto the pause," Jean-Pierre explained. "He is president of the whole nation. The fifth Circuit Court is just one of many equally important courts, none of which have concurred with the Fifth Circuit Court on this issue. As president he has the responsibility to secure the health and safety of everyone in the country. To meet this responsibility he has decided that everyone must be vaccinated. That won't happen if individuals are allowed to refuse to take this medicine."

"Further, the President is tired of the disrespect evidenced by repeated refusals to obey his wishes," she added. "He is trying to be a 'good dad' to all his children in America. It's past time for all the back-talk to end. It's time for people to trust that he knows what's in their best interest and is determined to make that happen. He has been bolstered in his resolve by the Australian government's vow to ensure that the unvaccinated are miserable and lonely for life. He said 'if they have the guts to do it, so can we.'"