IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 28, 2021 Edition

Mysterious Surge in Athletes Collapsing

The year 2021 has seen a five-fold increase in the number of professional of FIFA athletes dying of cardiac arrest on soccer fields. Since teams have been routinely requiring players to be vaccinated for covid some are wondering whether the lightly tested vaccines might be responsible.

The US Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS) includes thousands of deaths occurring subsequent to injections of the covid vaccines. The vast majority of these deaths involve cardiovascular damage. Is it possible that the strain of attempting to play soccer after being vaccinated could bring down some of the fittest individuals on the planet?

Covid expert and vaccine investor Dr. Anthony Fauci discounted this possibility, saying that "I have seen no evidence that would support the hypothesis that the vaccines are causing these deaths. It is not uncommon for extreme physical exertion to cause a heart attack. The original Marathon runner collapsed and died immediately after completing his 26-mile run in 490 BCE. If more athletes are collapsing now it could be due to global warming."

Former England and Southampton soccer player Matt Le Tissier said "I doubt global warming can account for this year's phenomenal increase in players collapsing on the field. Something more immediately connected to a more recent event seems more likely. The only way to find out is to investigate why this is happening now."

Fauci called the demand for an investigation "unwarranted. Investigations take time and money. That's something we can't spare while the pandemic still rages all around us. After we get everyone vaccinated and covid is finally defeated, then maybe we'll have an opportunity to conduct the kind of investigation being sought by Mr. Le Tissier."

US Denounces Violators of Religious Freedom

U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken formally denounced China, Russia, Myanmar, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Eritrea, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and Pakistan for "engaging in systematic, ongoing, egregious violations of religious freedom."

The specific anti-religious actions noted by Blinken include "discrimination against person espousing beliefs that contradict government policies, banning religious gatherings to worship, censoring dissenting views, and threatening or imprisoning those who resist the government's efforts to reeducate them. In far too many places around the world we continue to see governments harass, arrest, threaten, jail, and kill individuals simply for seeking to live their lives in accordance with their beliefs."

Blinken rejected criticisms pointing out that the Biden Administration and various US state and local governments have similarly assailed religious gatherings, issued blanket denials of exemptions to being forced to take covid vaccines, or compelled to fund or participate in performing abortions, saying "it's not the same. All of our coercion has been done to protect the public health. Church gatherings can become super spreaders of covid. Permitting individuals to escape being vaccinated on religious grounds allows these individuals to become 'typhoid Marys' and endanger the loyal vaccinated members of society. And the right to an abortion is a constitutional right that was declared in 1973. This was after the First Amendment was adopted in 1791. As such, it supersedes the right to freedom of religion."

Waukesha Killing Spree Excused

Milwaukee District Attorney John Chisolm defended the minuscule $1,000 bail set for Darrell Brooks for running over the mother of his child with a car, saying "freedom is not without risk. Brooks' Waukesha killing spree was an unforeseeable consequence. I mean, what are the odds that he would accidentally drive his car into perfect strangers at a holiday parade?"

Well, according to Chisolm himself, the odds were pretty good. Back in 2007 he predicted that "there is going to be an individual I let go free who's going to kill somebody. It's guaranteed to happen."

It's not as if Brooks is just an ordinary guy who just had one bad day when he ran over his former girl friend. He has posted disturbing messages on social media calling for violence against white people, claimed "Hitler was right and did the world a favor by killing Jews," and composed rap songs describing himself as a "terrorist" and "killer."

So far, the casualties from his Kenosha rampage include six dead and 62 injured, many of those in critical condition. His expressed desire to harm white people and his zigzag path through the crowd on the curbs watching the parade would appear to rule out an accidental loss of control as the explanation for the tragedy. Nonetheless, Chisolm insists that "an innocent explanation may yet emerge as more information is gathered over the coming weeks."

Hillary Campaigning to Replace Kamala as VP

As Vice-President Kamala Harris' poll numbers continue to sink far below those of the hapless President, former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has publicly expressed lavish praise for Biden's "accomplishments."

"On the legislative front, President Biden has induced Congress to increase federal spending by trillions of dollars," Clinton pointed out. "This is more spending than any other president has been able to convince Congress to spend in such a short period of time. A lot of this spending will help shore up support for Democrats in states like Virginia where voters are rebelling against unresponsive government."

"On the executive front, President Biden had issued more decrees than any other president in our history," Clinton boasted. "He cancelled the Keystone Pipeline and saved the environment. He mandated that all Americans be vaxxed and saved the country from the covid menace. A byproduct of this courageous action is that it will also smoke out the selfish and disloyal people who continue to resist his orders and aid in terminating their livelihoods. This will clear the way for his 'build back better' transformation of our way of life."

Clinton took on Biden's low approval ratings with voters and attributed it to "stupidity and ingratitude. People don't like the higher prices that have resulted from the President's bold moves. But these are a necessary step for preserving the environment. Vaccination fatigue is understandable, but an unavoidable new reality. Repeated booster shots are a small price to pay for the protection from covid we all will need from here on. Finally, exposing and crushing the President's political opponents will solidify the unity he promised us."

Clinton went on to predict "that by this time next year the President's approval ratings will be in the 90% range as will the Democratic Party's majority in both Houses of Congress. I stand ready to help make this happen if I am asked to replace Kamala as his vice-president."

In related news, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) implored President Biden to "restart the Keystone Pipeline. The short-sighted decision to cancel this project threatens the nation's energy security, destroys jobs, and increases the prices of everything that must be transported."

Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm called Manchin's concerns "hysterical. The President has authorized a draw down of 50 million barrels of crude oil from the nation's strategic petroleum reserves. This will prevent all of the Senator's fears from becoming realities." This seems improbable since fifty million barrels amounts to about a three day supply at current usage rates.

Gov Says Crime Surge "No Big Deal"

Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) took a few minutes of his Thanksgiving holiday in Mexico to chastise citizens for "whining about rising crime in the state. They carp about riots, looting, assaults, rapes, and murders. It's no big deal. Get used to it. Learn to adapt to this new reality. You have options to protect yourself."

"As governor, I have around the clock security provided for me at taxpayers' expense," he pointed out. "I wasn't always governor. I won't always be governor. Other citizens have the same opportunity to run and win these privileges accorded to the state's most important person."

"Even if running for governor isn't for you, there are still other options you could take to protect yourself from crime," he said. "Most of my friends live in gated-communities or walled-off estates. They hire their own armed security guards who accompany them wherever they go. Many travel in armor-plated cars with bullet-proof windows. These products and services are available to anyone willing and able to pay for them. And they provide much better protection than the police can."

"We cannot let refusal to adapt to new circumstances thwart our determination to defund the police," the Governor insisted. "The police killing spree aimed at minorities must be stopped. The pioneers who founded our state didn't rely on police departments to protect them. They fended for themselves. A return to this type of self-reliance combined with strict gun controls is the progressive vision for both California and America. Those who can't adapt are consigning themselves to extinction."

Trump Education Policy Discontinued by Biden Admin

A Trump Administration effort to track sex crimes committed by teachers against students was canceled by the Biden Administration. Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona explained that "there are two main reasons why we feel the Trump policy must be discarded. First and foremost, any Trump policy that can be undone has to be a good thing. Second, sexual offenses by teachers against students are so rare that it seems a waste of time and money to try to even track it, much less punish it."

"Most of the recent cases have involved female teachers having inappropriate contact with male students," Cardona recalled. "These incidents only became known when non-involved parties accidentally discovered the liaisons. None of the boys complained. Without a complaint from these boys, these seem to be cases of 'victimless crimes.' As such, we felt that tracking such incidents and hounding skilled teachers out of the profession would do more harm than good."

"Even if, as some contend, the boys were harmed by having sex with these older women, there is a question of offsetting benefits," the Secretary suggested. "A well-trained and skillful teacher benefits dozens or maybe even hundreds of students each year. It would be a shame to lose these teachers just because some adolescent boy develops mental problems as a consequence of engaging in consensual sex with his teacher. We think the wisest policy would be to not seek to inquire about any incidents. If a liaison is inadvertently discovered it can be handled by discreetly transferring the teacher to another school—like the Catholic Church has done with priests who get too fond of altar boys."

Biden's Slander of Rittenhouse Excused

Despite the fact that Kyle Rittenhouse has no connections to any white supremacy organizations, the fact that the three rioters he shot in Kenosha were all white men with criminal records who were attempting to assault or kill him, and the fact that a jury found him not guilty for shooting them in self-defense, President Biden refuses to apologize for calling him a "white supremacist."

Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki pointed out that "the occasion in which the President called Rittenhouse a white supremacist was at a campaign appearance during the 2020 election. The Supreme Court has long held that lying in order to win votes is protected political speech. Further, since his campaign for the presidency was successful he now has sovereign immunity. This means that he can say anything about anybody without being held liable for it. He can't be sued and he doesn't have to apologize as long as he remains in office."

"Mr. Rittenhouse's only options are to hope that Congress impeaches and removes President Biden from office—something that seems highly unlikely given that Democrats are the majority in both the House and Senate—or wait until the President serves out his allowed two terms," Psaki said. "It seems more likely to me that the President will be dead or declared mentally incompetent before he serves two complete terms. Either way, he'd be immune from any damages Rittenhouse may suffer as a result of being slandered."