IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 15, 2022 Edition

War Time Criticism of President Improper

Unsatisfied with massive GOP support for $40 billion in aid to Ukraine in its war with Russia, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) slammed the few dozen Republicans who voted against the measure, insisting that "it is improper for anyone to be opposing our President when we are at war."

"Since when have we been at war with Russia," Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) wanted to know. "Congress has not declared war. Congress hasn't even authorized the use of military force." The Senator recently blocked Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer's push for a "unanimous consent" for the $40 billion aid, calling it "fiscally irresponsible and fraught with danger. It's not as if we have money lying around unused. The funds needed will be borrowed—most likely from China. Worse, providing weapons to one side in a war and boasting about how our intelligence has helped sink a Russian warship is a provocation that invites retaliation."

Hoyer called Rand's words and actions "disunifying. Once our President has decided to make war it is everyone's patriotic duty to rally behind him. How would Sen. Paul like it if a Republican president's efforts to intervene in a foreign war were opposed by Democrats?"

"As I recall, Democrats were very vocal in their criticism of President Bush's war in Iraq," Rand said. "And that was after voting to authorize his use of force. As that war dragged on Democrat criticism of Bush grew quite vociferous and was proclaimed the 'essence of patriotism' by several prominent Democrat Party members including then Sen. Hillary Clinton (NY). The ability to criticize government policies and actions is vital to good governance. It must not be smothered by demands for unity."

"Boost Abortions to Fight Inflation"

As spiraling inflation puts the pinch on many household budgets, Rep. Katie Porter (D-Calif) has a solution: "increase the number of abortions. As we all know inflation happens when too many dollars are chasing too few goods. Well, bringing new babies into the world aggravates this problem. In fact, one of major pressure points for increasing inflation has been seen in the consumption of baby formula. This problem could be significantly eased if fewer babies were brought to term."

Porter complained that "rather than helping this problem the pending Supreme Court outlawing of abortion will only make things worse. Our Party's attempt to counter this wrongheaded change in the long-standing Roe v. Wade law by authorizing abortion nationwide was blocked in the Senate by Republicans and a couple of turncoat Democrats. That's why Press Secretary Jen Psaki advised mothers to consult their doctors on humane ways to euthanize babies they can no longer afford to feed."

Meanwhile, Gov. Gavin Newsom is proposing "a bold plan to knock the legs out from under inflation. My $18 billion spending package will interdict a lot of the private spending that is fueling inflation. Rep. Porter will be pleased to note that the package includes free distribution of birth control pills and devices in every high school and middle school in the state—including, most importantly, the Catholic schools where the children are under the baleful influence of opponents of abortion."

Green Dilemma: Clean Air = More Hurricanes

A recently completed National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration study found that a 50% decrease in air pollution particulates led to a 33% increase in Atlantic hurricanes. NOAA hurricane scientist Hiroyuki Murakami explained that "hurricanes need warm water to fuel them. The sun-blocking effects of particulates lower the temperature and act to reduce the quantity of warm water. Ironically, our successful effort to clear the air of these pollutants has made hurricanes worse."

Biden's EPA Administrator Michael Regan called the effects "transitory. The potential for air pollutants coming out of China should more than make up for the reductions achieved in the United States. Prevailing westerly winds should enable prior pollution levels to be restored and offset the greenhouse effect of cleaner air on ocean temperatures."

"A potential 'wild card' in the equation is the possibility of nuclear war between Russia and the United States," Regan speculated. "The amount of particulate debris that would be lifted into the air from such a war could drastically lower global temperatures. Glaciers would begin to grow. Sea levels would start to go lower. The feared planetary disruptions envisioned from global warming would be averted. So, here at the EPA we're cautiously optimistic about the future climate."

Biden Predicts Roe v. Wade Reverse Could End Big Government

President Biden predicted that "overturning Roe v. Wade will lead to a cascade of other brutalities inflicted on this country by an out-of-control Supreme Court. Why wouldn't they follow up the cruelty of allowing states to enact laws limiting a mother's right to kill her own baby with a similar atrocity like allowing states to ban gay marriage?"

"Look, here's the deal," Biden said. "The logic behind overturning Roe v. Wade is that the 1973 Court lacked the authority to proclaim a nationwide right to abortion. There's nothing in the Constitution authorizing the Court to do that. Likewise, there's nothing in the Constitution authorizing the Court to proclaim a nationwide law regarding gay marriages either. All the authority regarding matters not explicitly delegated to the federal government in the Constitution are reserved to the states by the Tenth Amendment. There's a mountain of federal statutes and executive branch actions that have no explicit authorization in the Constitution. What's to stop the Court from sending all these issues back to the states?"

The President worried that "a strict adherence to the Constitution would severely limit the federal government's power. For this nation's first 150 years we had a 'can't do' federal government. FDR changed all that and transformed us into a 'can do' outfit. Outdated limitations were jettisoned. The people loved him and his methods. Since those days benevolent presidents were free to help people without regard to whether there was any specific authority for their actions. Chaining our benevolent leaders to only those powers granted in the Constitution would exchange the very concrete benefits of a generous government for the perils of abstract individualism and personal responsibility. I don't think the voters want that and will show it by punishing the Republicans in the November elections."

Biden Disinfo Czar Calls for Covert Social Media Editing

Nina Jankowicz, executive director of the Department of Homeland Security's new Disinformation Governance Board, says she "will replace the crude and incendiary practices of banning social media users with a seamless covert editing process. As I see this process working, my office will create a 'verified truth teller' program where we will vet persons and select those who are fully in sync with the consensus of the right thinking segment of society. Those selected will be granted unimpeded access to all social media accounts on all the platforms and be authorized to alter the content to conform with the government's approved message."

Jankowicz characterized this as "the opposite of censorship. No one will be silenced, per se. There will still be posts with their names on them. Only offensive content will be altered. Animosities engendered by clashing opinions will be muted by a sea of amiable unanimity. Post after post will confirm each other in an unending chain. Every attempt to post incorrect ideas will be thwarted in a kind and gentle manner. No one will be vilified. Mutual praise and admiration will be the persistent ambiance everywhere on the web."

Dems Worried About Covid

Biden COVID response coordinator Ashish Jha says he has "two major worries about a possible uptick in covid that could infect over 100 million Americans by Fall. The increasingly infectious variants mean more people will catch the disease. On the other hand, the diminishment of symptoms means that hardly anyone will realize they are infected."

"People who don't realize they are infected won't feel an urgency to get tested or vaccinated," he predicted. "The whole pandemic infrastructure will be underutilized. People will be going about their business as if life is normal. Their willingness to obey directives to wear masks, avoid crowds, shun social interactions, spy on their neighbors and report deviant behavior will wither. They may reject supporting the Party that cared for them these past few years and vote Republican in numbers too large to overcome via ballot harvesting. Unbelievers could displace the faithful and engineer a dangerous revival of the way we lived before the pandemic."

Dr. Anthony Fauci sadly concurred with Jha's assessment, saying "when covid was killing people by the thousands for week after week we had the people's attention. They complied with our directives. They shuttered their businesses, wore masks, stopped going to church, did as they were told. The evolution of covid toward a milder disease has broken the bond of trust they put in us. Disbelief dogs our every utterance now. Those of us who have been fighting the pandemic since day one will likely come to regard it as 'the good old days.' I shudder to think of what it might be like with Republican majorities in both Houses of Congress. 'Nightmare' is the word that keeps reverberating in my brain."

GOP Wants to Defend Justices from Violence

A simple one-page bill authored by Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) that would provide for increased security protection for members of the Supreme Court whose homes are being besieged by abortion supporting fanatics got a cold reception from Democrats in the House.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) called the brief proposed statute "unimpressive. Where are all the carve-outs for special interests? How can a bill of less than a thousand pages adequately reward all the key constituencies?"

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized the attempt to provide extra protection "an extraordinary infringement of freedom of speech. People who need access to abortion on demand are righteously angry that this access could be impeded by a pending Supreme Court decision allowing each state to make its own laws regulating the practice of abortion. Just because their style of speech incorporates threats to life, limb, and property doesn't mean that the Justices who instigated of this wrath ought to receive extra protection. Sometimes important issues need to be fought for in the streets like they were when George Floyd was murdered by Minneapolis police two years ago. In a democracy the people must have a way to get back at their tormentors. That is how we keep the enemies of progressive values from getting away with murder."

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