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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 14, 2022 Edition

Garland Justifies Mar-a-Lago Raid

This week, the FBI conducted an unprecedented raid on the home of former US President Donald Trump. More than two dozen FBI agents scoured the 3,000 square foot home for more than nine hours on Monday, August 8th while Trump's lawyers were barred from the premises.

On Thursday, Attorney General Merrick Garland finally acknowledged that he had authorized this "extremely urgent action to prevent the disclosure of vital government secrets. A prior June 3rd visit by a pair of FBI agents detected the presence of several classified documents. It was imperative that these and any other similar documents be seized as quickly as possible."

The AG explained that the two-month gap between the June visit and the August raid "was necessary to ensure that President Trump would not be present during the raid like he was during the June 3rd visit where his friendly demeanor and glad-handing may have distracted the agents' from their job. Granted, the extra two months entailed the risk that secrets could've been leaked, but it was essential that the search be conducted in as complete secrecy as could be obtained."

Apprised of the fact that members of the Trump family were able to watch much of the FBI's activities via the residence's CCTV security cameras, Garland threatened, "we may have to add obstruction of justice to the charge of illegal possession of classified information. Let me also address the contention that the documents in Mr. trump's possession were ones that he ordered declassified before he left office. He may have so ordered, but FBI Director Christopher Wray refused to carry out that order."

Trump complained that "the same FBI that persecuted Gen. Flynn, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, and me has turned a blind eye toward perjurers like McCabe, Comey, and Mueller within its own ranks. They have also whitewashed the crimes committed by the Bidens—both Joe and Hunter—and Hillary Clinton. She used an unsecure personal computer to conduct State Department correspondence. When these files and the various smart phones she used were subpeonaed she erased the files and smashed the phones."

Garland insists "there's no inconsiseancy. Enemies of democracy are always going to be held accountable. Those known to be loyal to the government can be forgiven minor mistakes. Secretary Clinton is no longer a member of the government and since she destroyed all of the classified files she has none that can fall into enemy hands. As for the President and his son, none of their missteps involved improper handling of classified materials. All of them were aimed at financial gain or personal indulgence. This doesn't endanger national security."

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), Chairman of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, observed that, "Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were executed for mishandling classified information. Given Trump's chummy relationship with Putin can there be any doubt that he would pass classified information to him? Let's see what a DC jury thinks."

Mar-a-Lago Raid Affects Polls

The FBI raid of former President Trump's home was not well-received by most people. According to a Trafalgar poll, 77% of Republicans, 54% of Independents, and even 12% of Democrat voters agreed that Trump's political enemies were behind the raid. Eighty-three percent of Republican voters and 72% of Independent voters said the raid increased their motivation to vote in the 2022 election, but only 55% of Democrats said they were more motivated to vote.

Chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) Rep. Sean Maloney (D-NY) says these poll results don't concern him because "our people have control of voter rolls in 31 states. The Electronic Registration Information Center (ERIC) run by David Becker was instrumental in achieving the record-breaking 81 million votes for President Biden in the 2020 election. We have every confidence that we can replicate these kind of results in this year's elections."

"By cross-checking voter rolls with driver's licenses, welfare rolls, and prison inmates we can find out who among these people aren't registered, get them registered, and even help them cast their ballots," Maloney said. "So, you can see, we've got things well in hand and it doesn't really matter what the polls show."

In related news, FBI Director Christopher Wray called the widespread criticism reflected in the polls "unwarranted. Everyday our agents risk their lives to protect this country from foreign and domestic threats to our government. People ought to respect that. Those that don't might want to rethink whether they want to align themselves with our enemies. No one is immune to our surveillance or our countermeasures—neither ex-presidents nor commoners. The next FBI raid could be at your house."

"Monkeypox" to Be Renamed

Concerned that the name "monkeypox" may stigmatize and humiliate its unfortunate victims, the World Health Organization (WHO) is determined to choose a different name for the disease. WHO Director Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus argued that "the current name conveys a demeaning insinuation of improper conduct between man and monkey. Victims of this painful and annoying ailment deserve better."

The Doctor suggested that "in my opinion, a more fitting name would be 'homopox.' Ninety-eight percent of the sufferers are men who have sex with other men. I think the disease ought to be named after the victims. This would be a way to honor them—like amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) was renamed Lou Gehrig's disease to honor the baseball player whose career was ended by the illness."

However, in an online poll conducted by the Tucker Carlson Tonight show the name 'shlong covid' was chosen by a majority of respondents. Carlson speculated that "this name would have the advantage of conveying a tip on how to avoid infection combined with one of the scariest words used in the last two years. The downside, though, is that the 'covid cultists' would be likely to concoct a raft of useless mandates that would erode personal freedom without much effect on the spread of the disease."

"Inflation Reduction Act" Doubles Size of IRS

The Democrats' Inflation Reduction Act contains provisions calling for the hiring of an additional 87,000 IRS agents. This would more than double the number of IRS personnel from its current 79,000 employees. Many taxpayers may wonder how this would reduce inflation. A job description posted by the agency gives us a clue. According to this posting, the IRS is looking for employees willing and able to use deadly force if needed to collect taxes owed.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained "inflation is caused by too much unnecessary spending. At current staffing levels, the IRS lacks the manpower to ensure all taxes due are paid. By increasing the number of agents authorized to use deadly force we can ensure that taxpayers pay more. The five million rounds of ammo that the IRS currently has on hand may finally be put to good use. Now, I know Republicans are trying to make this sound scary, but as long as you pay what you're told you owe you won't get hurt."

Rep. Richard Neal (D-Mass), chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, called increased IRS enforcement "an important first step. For decades the government's resources have been inadequate to meet the people's needs. Meanwhile, selfish and frivolous spending by private citizens has been squandering the nation's wealth. Stronger IRS collection efforts are urgently needed. After the November elections, I will be introducing legislation to raise taxes. The needs for food, housing, and clothing will be met through government allocations. Private funds previously used for selfish or frivolous purposes will be confiscated. Inequality in America will finally be eradicated."

Remain in Mexico Policy Over

This week, Alejandro Mayorkas, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, announced that "the Trump policy requiring that Mexicans remain in Mexico until legally admitted into the United States will no longer be enforced. President Biden has instructed us to 'let them come in' and that's what we're going to do."

The Secretary explained that "Trump's policy had endemic flaws and imposes unjustifiable human costs. It will be unwound in a quick, and orderly manner. Resources that had been used to keep people out will be redeployed. Up to now immigrants had to travel to the border at their own expense. Undoubtedly, this likely prevented many from making the journey. With the funds we save by not trying to keep them out we can provide the transportation they need to get here."

Mayorkas brushed aside questions about how the hordes of immigrants brought into this country will live by pointing out that "the food, transportation and housing costs will be met by the Department of Health and Human Services just like they are for indigent American citizens. Over the longer term, I expect that the most sensible resolution of the immigration issue would be to annex Mexico and grant statehood to each of their states. The upside of this is that not only will the lives of 130 million Mexicans be improved, but our new southern border will be much shorter and easier to defend from unwanted invaders."

Biggest Drop in US Productivity

The Second Quarter decline in GDP met the traditional definition of an economic recession. On top of that productivity fell at its steepest pace on an annual basis since this statistic began being recorded in 1948. The price of labor per unit of output rose at a 10.8% rate. That followed a 12.7% rate of growth in the first quarter.

Despite these statistics President Biden continues to insist that "we're not in a recession.. A recession is when there are no jobs available, but there are currently over 10 million job openings out there. People aren't taking these jobs because they don't have to. The payments we've been making to them have shown that it is no longer necessary to work in order to survive in America. We've finally achieved what was envisioned for our country so many years ago."

CNN analyst Ryan Lizza cited Biden's economic accomplishments as "evidence of his greatness. The last president to do as well was LBJ. His 'war on poverty' added tens of millions to the welfare rolls, but the tens of millions that Biden has taken out of the workforce with his pandemic relief payments has mainstreamed the idea that work isn't necessary to enjoy a good life. People who previously may have considered themselves too proud to go on welfare are now happy to be subsidized by the government. This is a huge turning point for the transition to socialism that so many Democrats have been eager to see in this country."

Too Many People Alive

Yuval Noah Harari, historian, futurist, and World Economic Forum (WEF) adviser declared that "we just don't need the vast majority of the population that is alive today. The modern technologies we have in the 21st century have rendered most of humanity redundant."

Harari admitted that "solving this problem will be difficult. For most common people the most important thing in their lives is family. Yet, to get down to the maximum ideal population of around 500 million persons will require a 95% reduction of the current 7.75 billion who live on the planet. Better birth control may seem like the most humane method for accomplishing the winnowing. China has already pioneered this approach, but freer societies are apt to resist the harsh measures required. More subtle measures will probably be needed. Some have suggested putting birth control drugs into the public water supply. However, this could be undermined by widely available water purification devices that people can install in their homes."

"Perhaps a more successful approach would be to mandate a universal vaccination program under the guise of a deadly pandemic," Harari suggested. "A rigorous campaign to persuade the population that their survival depends on getting the shot would probably be very effective. The recent experience with covid demonstrated that about 70% or more of the population in countries that had such campaigns got the shoots. Government access to health records could then identify those who haven't be vaccinated so more forceful methods could be used."

"Of course, using birth control methods alone would delay the attainment of the ideal population by a couple of generations," Harari acknowledged. "If faster results are needed the current population will need to be culled. In an episode of the original Star Trek TV series a world's overpopulation problem was resolved by introducing exposure to novel new diseases. Many governments around the world have active germ warfare research programs. Surely a potent enough pathogen could be released that would decimate the population. The trick would be to ensure that crucial segments of the population would have access to an antidote or cure so that only the less valuable 95% are eliminated."