IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

More About: Government

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 18, 2022 Edition

Martha's Vineyard Defiled

Panic and outrage were the responses from Democrats after Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) arranged to have 50 willing illegal migrants flown to the posh vacation playground of Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.

President Biden said "the transportation of these helpless victims so far away from their homes is simply wrong. It's un-American. It's reckless."

Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) called DeSantis "soulless. Martha's Vineyard is a place of refuge for this country's elite. Former President Obama has property there. Spike Lee, David Letterman, and Carly Simon all own houses on the island. Hell, it's the place where Sen. Ted Kennedy narrowly escaped drowning in an auto crash in 1969. It's sacred ground. To have it defiled this way is sick."

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accused DeSantis of "human trafficking. DeSantis may think that it's okay because the people he flew to Martha's Vineyard were people who the President had previously ordered bused to Florida from Texas. Well, the President has an absolute right to send anyone to any place in the United States. Governors do not have this same right."

Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) demanded that DeSantis "be prosecuted for kidnapping. Putting these people on planes and buses, taking them to other states and dropping them off without prior consultation with local authorities is heinous. The full weight of the law has to be brought down on him, Gov. Abbott (R-Tex), and Gov. Ducey (R-Ariz) for committing these criminal acts."

Documentary filmmaker and Democrat donor Ken Burns beclowned himself by likening the transport of these migrants to Martha's Vineyard to "the death trains Nazis deployed to exterminate the Jews. It's another crime against democracy by the right-wing extremists who infest the Republican Party." Note: none of those transported to the area by DeSantis were shot, gassed, cremated, or buried in mass graves.

Rep. Bill Keating (D-Mass) complained that the wealthy Martha's Vineyard community "has absolutely no resources to deal with this. They don't deserve this. These people should be sent back to Florida where they belong."

West Tisbury Town Administrator Jennifer Rand reported that "the residents are furious that their community has been subjected to the indignity of being invaded by this horde of unwanted intruders. I mean, we welcome immigrants to our country, just not here. Fortunately, Gov. Baker (R) has sent buses to take them away to the Joint Base Cape Cod where they can be processed for possible deportation to Mexico."

DeSantis defended his action, saying "the Democrat Administration has refused to defend our country's southern border. They have allowed millions of immigrants to illegally enter our country since Biden took office. They say these 'newcomers' should be welcomed to America. They are flying and busing them around the nation and just dropping them off in cities without alerting local authorities. I noticed that Martha's Vineyard had not had the opportunity to experience this phenomenon. So, I gave them a small taste of what's going on elsewhere."

In related news, Gov. J.B. Pritzker (D-Ill) has called up 75 members of the Illinois National Guard "to help protect the 500 migrants who have arrived here on buses chartered by the Texas governor from being attacked by the MAGA enemies of our democracy. He is acting without regard to the fear and anguish he is creating for the refugees and the local governments hit by this tidal wave of unexpected arrivals. This effort to sow the seeds of chaos is, as the President says, un-American. It must be stopped."

More Spent on Taxes than Necessities

Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics for 2021 shows that, on average, Americans spent $16,729 to support the government. This topped the $15,495 they spent on food, clothing and health care combined.

Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen insisted that "when you consider all the government does for people they should be happy it costs so little. Without the government people would be set adrift with no sense of meaning. The pointlessness of life for the average person is rescued by the government's provision of structure and purpose. The selfishness of personal ambition and self gratification is replaced by the comfort of knowing you are part of a unified collective striving for a better world."

Yellen warned that "given the rising inflation hitting the country, the low cost of government cannot be sustained for much longer. The doubling of the IRS workforce will greatly assist in the extraction of more taxes from the productive members of society. This will divert resources that are largely wasted on private consumption into government coffers where the money can be more efficiently allocated to the greater good of humanity."

In related news, Department of Labor data show that states with Republican governors and Republican majorities in the legislatures have, on average, recovered more than 107% of the jobs lost during the pandemic. States with Democrat governors and Democrat majorities have, on average, recovered only 94% of the jobs lost during the pandemic. The ten states with the best job recovery records all have Republican majorities in their legislatures.

Yellen called the comparison "unfair. Democrat states are hampered by more burdensome regulations, high tax rates, rising crime, and significant out-migration of their most productive citizens. In an ideal world, regulations, tax rates, and crime would be equalized to reduce the incentive to relocate and save the economy from having to bear the expense out-migration."

Facebook Violates Your Privacy

This week, whistle-blowers in the Department of Justice revealed that since Biden took office Facebook has been forwarding copies of the private correspondence of its customers to the FBI.

"I want to clarify that it's not all of our customers whose communications have been passed on," Erica Sackin, a spokesperson at Facebook's parent company Meta, said. "Only those who have questioned the legitimacy of President Biden's 2020 election victory have been targeted. As the President made clear in his recent speech, the country's democracy is being attacked by malicious MAGA extremists. It is every American's patriotic duty to help the government in its fight to thwart this threat."

According to the US Constitution, spying on private communications by government officials is only legal if it is backed by a judicial warrant identifying a probable cause. Sackin rejected any accusation that the company's collaboration with the FBI to violate people's privacy could be illegal, saying "we were simply responding to FBI demands. We were warned that failure to comply would constitute obstruction of justice. Since the FBI is part of the Department of Justice I think its orders are equivalent to a judicial warrant."

An official statement on the topic from the FBI asserted that "the confidential cooperation between social media providers and the Agency is classified. Who we spy on is a matter of national security. We will inform those who need to know. All others are advised to mind their own business"

Ohio Senate Candidates Spar

While characterizing himself as "the most moderate of the moderates in Congress," Rep Tim Ryan (D-Ohio) urged voters to elect him to the state's open US Senate seat "so I can confront and kill the extremist Republican MAGA movement that is threatening our democracy."

J.D. Vance, the Republican candidate for the seat, called Ryan's rhetoric "incendiary. The majority of Ohio's voters cast their ballots for Donald Trump in both 2016 and 2020. How is that an attack on democracy? I doubt that Ryan's vow to kill a political movement he disagrees with will be seen as 'moderate' be most voters. The violent rhetoric of Rep. Ryan and President Biden can't hide the fact that it is the policies they have implemented in the last year-and-a-half that are responsible for the soaring costs of food, housing, and energy that are hurting hard-working men and women."

Though he claims to abhor violent rhetoric, President Biden refused to condemn Ryan's remarks, saying "it is those who won't unify behind me that constitute the real threat to our democracy. I think Rep. Ryan knows that. While I have preferred to say we will crush these enemies, I believe Rep. Ryan's determination to kill them is a genuine demonstration of his patriotism."

Meanwhile, Jeff Simpson, president of the Columbus Fraternal Order of Police challenged Ryan's claim to be a moderate, saying "based on his history of drunken confrontations with police he clearly is not a moderate drinker. Nor is saying he wants to kill political opponents a moderate position. I don't think he can be trusted to do a decent job as a US Senator representing Ohio."

Covid Vaccine Conflict of Interest Questioned

In testimony before the Health, Education, Labor and Pensions committee, Dr. Anthony Fauci steadfastly refused to answer any questions regarding potential financial conflicts of interest in the decisions surrounding the approval and mandating of the Pfizer covid vaccines.

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) wanted to know "whether anybody on the vaccine committees gets royalties from the pharmaceutical companies." Dr. Fauci's response was "I'm not going to answer that question. Under the law, I don't have to answer that question." "Which law is that?" Paul asked. "I don't have to tell you that either," Fauci stubbornly replied.

Paul speculated that Fauci was "obliquely asserting his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. I realize that it is embarrassing to assert this right, but an honest person wouldn't try to conceal his reliance on a constitutional right. Even gangsters willingly admit their constitutional right to not be forced to give self-incriminating testimony at congressional hearings."

"As time goes by it is becoming more and more clear that the whole covid pandemic was exaggerated and abused for financial gain," Rand said. "We had inadequately tested vaccines that were granted emergency approval on the grounds that there was no alternative for combating the disease. At the same time, Dr. Fauci was engaging in an effort to suppress alternative therapies and research findings contradicting his bland assurances that the vaccines were safe and effective. Now that the latest research evidence indicates that these vaccines are neither safe nor effective a thorough investigation is needed. If Republicans win a majority in Congress this November that is what the American people will get."

In related news, the Danish government announced that it will no longer offer the covid vaccines to healthy people under the age of 50. Director General of the Danish Health Authority Søren Brostrøm explained that "the latest data shows the risk of harm outweighs the potential benefit for younger people." Dr. Fauci called this decision "short-sighted. This policy overlooks the intangible benefit to the collective when everyone is treated equally."

RINOs Praise Biden

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R) made a show of support for the FBI's raid on Mar-a-Lago, arguing that "when your country is morphing into a dictatorship, the most prudent course for those of us in the GOP who want to survive is to rally behind the President's campaign to rid the nation of the MAGA threat to democracy. I realize that some of my fellow Republicans will consider me a coward for knuckling under to the President's intimidation, but I say it is better to be a lapdog than a dead dog."

The soon to be former Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Ak) echoed Christie's sentiments, saying "it is foolhardy to try resist the coming dictatorship. It is simply not safe to criticize even the abuses of power by the President. I urge Alaska's voters to be realistic and reelect me to the senate. I will work with the Biden Administration in an effort to achieve leniency for my constituents. All I ask in return is that they make a sincere effort to show their loyalty and obedience to the President and his policies."