SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
John SemmensMore About: Humor
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 5, 2023 Edition
NYC Rioters Get $6 Million Settlement
People who rioted in New York City during the protests over the death of career criminal George Floyd in Minneapolis while in police custody have been awarded $6 million in "damages" because some of the NYC police officers who arrested them weren't wearing masks.
Bill deBlasio, NYC's mayor at the time of the riots, called the settlement "righteous. The hundreds of people arrested during the riot were needlessly exposed to the deadly covid virus by cops who went into the streets unmasked. While we may never know how many thousands died as a result of this despicable negligence, the survivors deserve compensation for the mental anguish they had to endure as a result."
The rioters started fires, vandalized statues, looted more than 400 stores--many of them small and family owned--and injured over 100 police officers. The damages are estimated to have exceeded $100 million. Many of the uninsured small businesses were bankrupted by the rioters.
DeBlasio showed little concern for these injured parties, saying "the grievances of the rioters against the racial injustices of slavery and discrimination go back hundreds of years. In a sense, the small shop owners were getting a taste of what it must have been like to be a slave and made to suffer the abuse of white masters. While some of the rioters achieved partial compensation through looting, not all did. The estimated $21,500 per person payout from the settlement will help right this wrong."
In related news, the defunding of police that Black Lives Matter has demanded since the George Floyd incident has corresponded with a 30% increase in the number of black persons being murdered. Far more black people are murdered by criminals than are killed by police. Ninety percent of the time the black victim's murderer is also black. Perhaps if there were more police fewer blacks would become murder victims.
Biden Tax Policies Favor Wealthy
In addition to being illegal, President Biden's attempt to grant loan forgiveness to college students transfers wealth from the working class to scions of the upper class. Fifty-six percent of the student debt is owed by people who went to grad school. None of this debt is owed by people who never went to college. Persons earning as much as $125,000 a year qualify for Biden's debt forgiveness program.
Likewise, subsidies for electric vehicles (EVs) assist wealthier Americans to purchase vehicles that are out of the price range of what the working class can afford. The majority of those receiving the government subsidies for purchasing EVs make over $100,000 per year.
Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre confessed that "the intention was not explicitly to benefit the wealthy at the expense of the working class, it just turns out that way because the behaviors of wealthier Americans are more in line with the Administration's social and environmental objectives. College is where out-dated ideas are replaced by correct progressive thinking. This is especially the case in elite schools like Harvard, Stanford, and the like, which because they are the most expensive to attend, also account for a disproportionate share of the student debt."
"As for the EV subsidies, in the old free market way of thinking, the wealthy were the first to adopt expensive new technologies," the Secretary said. "Their freely chosen purchases funded and helped reduce the cost of these technologies making them more feasible for ordinary people to buy. The problem is that free choices in the market place may take too long and lead to the wrong decisions being made. The President believes that as China's rapid modernization has demonstrated, government planning and subsidies can expedite the process and lead to better results."
Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark) said "the notion that any government can generate better decisions on how to invest for a better future is at odds with history. Countries that have adopted the socialist approach have a dismal record compared to economies where free markets direct the flow of resources between investors, consumers, and entrepreneurs. Biden's infatuation with China's socialist system is ignorant and destructive."
Biden Will Visit East Palestine "When It Is Safe"
Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine's request that President Biden visit the site of the rail disaster in his state was not well-received at the White House. "If he can go to Ukraine to boost the morale of the people there, why can't he come to Ohio to boost the morale of Americans who are hurting from one of the worse train crashes in our history?" DeWine asked.
Biden responded that "it's too dangerous for me to risk my life or health on a totally unnecessary visit to the highly toxic environment in East Palestine. Experts have already estimated that tens of thousands of animals and fish downwind and downstream of the derailment have died. Who knows how many humans will become sick and die. The Secret Service tells me it is too dangerous for me go there now. Pressuring me to go there could be construed as an attempt on my life."
The President pointed out that "my administration's top transportation expert was there last week. I have no particular skill or knowledge above-and-beyond whatever he had to offer. As far as boosting morale goes, if Pete Buttigieg couldn't suffice I don't see how I can help. I mean, what kind of morale boost would it be if an 80-year-old man were to keel over in the middle of town? I will come when it is safe to do so--maybe next year or after I'm reelected in 2024--although, by then there wouldn't be much point in making the trip."
In related news, the Department of Transportation's (DOT) Inspector General has announced an audit of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg's use of private jets. Buttigieg is known to have taken at least 18 flights using taxpayer money to fly on private jets since he took office in 2021. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) says he requested the audit "because it is unclear why Secretary Buttigieg would require such costly travel when more economical options were available." Buttigieg defended his private flights by pointing out "our country's public transportation systems are unreliable and dangerous. Those of us who rule this nation shouldn't be forced to waste our time or risk our lives using the modes intended for ordinary people."
Texas Doctor Demands Public Hearing
The Texas Medical Board (TMB) wants to revoke the medical license of Dr. Mary Talley Bowden for using an unapproved therapy of treating covid patients with ivermectin. In a private hearing they offered her as "plea deal" if she would agree she was wrong, pay a $5,000 fine, and take remedial medical education.
Bowden refused their offer, saying "everyone of the 5,500 covid patients I treated recovered. None died. The same can't be said for those who received the approved therapy of waiting until they are deathly sick before going to a hospital where they are put on ventilators until they either recover or die--as more than half did."
The TMB is particularly aggrieved over the case of Tarrant County Deputy Sheriff Jason Jones who survived after his wife covertly applied ivermectin paste to his skin. TMB member Dr. Julius Noe pointed out that "neither the hospital nor the doctor assigned to Jones' case approved this treatment, a court ruled that the hospital could not be forced to allow this treatment while the patient was on the premises. Neither could the patient be released in his precarious condition. His resulting recovery violated essential protocols."
Noe admitted that "there is no evidence that Dr. Bowden was aware of Mrs. Jones actions. However, she did recommend ivermectin to Mrs. Jones and is, therefore, an accessory in her criminal conduct. We have already adjudicated the case and delineated the appropriate punishment. Dr. Bowden's demand for a public hearing is an unwarranted attempt to embarrass TMB by inviting the public to second-guess our medical decisions."
In related medical news, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) barred members of the American Association of Pro-Life Obstetricians and Gynecologists (AAPLOG) from hosting a booth at the ACOG conference this week. Ironically, the theme of this year's conference is "Building Bridges: Creating Connection in Medical Education." ACOG CEO Dr. Maureen Phipps defended excluding AAPLOG from the conference, saying "preventing a pro-life cult from occupying scarce space and promulgating noxious ideas is necessary if we want to protect the integrity of medical science."
DOJ Wants More Money
In testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Attorney General Merrick Garland made a pitch for increased funding, saying "we don't have enough people. We don't have enough money. We don't have enough jails. We don't have enough judges."
"Let me cite a few numbers to make my point," he added. "Consider the fact that at present we have fewer than 8,000 FBI agents in the field. Of the two largest domestic terrorist organizations we have to deal with the Republican Party numbers more than 35 million potential insurrectionists and the Catholic Church has more than 70 million religious bigots. This makes the task of maintaining surveillance daunting and the prospect of keeping them under control impossible."
Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) questioned Garland's figures, calling them "outrageous and defamatory. Opposing political parties are an essential component of a democratic republic. Proposing and debating alternative policies for governing the country is not terrorism. And freedom of religion is guaranteed by the US Constitution. Treating political and religious differences as crimes sounds like policies that characterize dictatorships."
"I'm not saying that all Republicans or all Catholics must be suppressed," Garland explained. "But if we don't make examples of the worst of them by sending them to prison there will be no deterrence against a massive uprising targeting the current government. All I'm asking is that the FBI get the same kind of 80,000 increase in armed enforcement agents that the IRS got in last year's budget. In order to attain the unity that President Biden has promised for the country a shared set of values must be enforced. Since certain enemies within refuse to voluntarily acquiesce, a stronger national police force is needed to compel a basic minimum standard of obedience to government authority. It is Congress' duty to fund a force of sufficient strength if our democracy is to be saved."
Later on at the hearing Garland argued that "sending violent male offenders who identify as transgender to women's prisons is necessary to preserve their dignity and self-respect" and disputed Sen. Lindsay Graham's (R-SC) suggestion that this might increase the danger to actual women. Garland asked, "Ii a person says they are a woman, who can truthfully say they are not? Also, let's not forget that the women in prison are convicted criminals themselves. They are probably safer from being raped by a transgender while in prison than they would be in the less supervised conditions on the outside."
Data Show Covid Vax Increases Chance of Dying
While the official Party Line from the federal government is that the covid vaccines are safe and effective, recent studies have cast doubt on that assertion. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has called these studies misinformation or, at best, "anecdotal." However, an examination of Medicare's enormous database for its elderly patients shows that (1) the "warp speed" vaccines are making it more likely that the elderly will die prematurely, not less likely; (2) the risk of death remains elevated for an unknown period of time after you get the shot; and (3) the CDC lied to the American people about the safety of these vaccines. They had access to this data the entire time and kept it hidden and said nothing.
Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra didn't deny the Medicare data's accuracy, but dismissed its relevance "since we have turned over control of all pandemic-related matters to the World Health Organization (WHO). President Biden has signed a binding agreement that will make WHO the ultimate authority over US health policy. WHO will decide what is true and false, what is valid science and what is misinformation, what medications and therapies are permitted and which are not. WHO will determine what penalties and punishments to inflict on those who challenge its authority or refuse to comply with its mandates regarding vaccinations."
"The major advantages of this new arrangement are that dissenters will no longer be able to hide behind the US Constitution's guarantee of freedom of speech," Becerra boasted. "There will be no grounds for exemptions based on religious beliefs. There will be no right to a fair and public trial before judgments are rendered and sentences carried out. And most of all, there will be nothing that Republicans can do about it without automatically condemning themselves as guilty of disobeying the new health dictates proclaimed by WHO. It's an ingenious move by America's most progressive chief executive."