IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 9, 2023 Edition

Woman Attacked by Trans Activists

Riley Gaines, a former NCAA All-American swimmer, was violently assaulted by transgender fanatics for daring to speak out against biological men invading women's sports. Despite a federal law (familiarly called Title IX) intended to promote equal opportunity for women's sports, men declaring themselves to be women are muscling their way into female athletic competitions and dominating. Lia Thomas, one of these males posing as a female, won a national championship and was nominated for NCAA "Woman of the Year."

In an effort to make the case against the inequity of allowing the bigger and stronger males to compete against smaller and weaker females, Gaines appeared at a San Francisco State University (SFSU) forum. An ugly mob of trans extremists objected to her views and threatened her with violent reprisals. Police prevented serious harm to her by barricading her in a room for three hours until the mob got bored and dissipated. No arrests were made. SFSU administrators excused the mob's actions as "their First Amendment rights to assemble and use their freedom of speech to air their greivances."

Meanwhile, the Biden Administration is revising Title IX to ban schools from blocking males who proclaim themselves to be transgender from participating in sports previously reserved for biological females and entering their locker rooms and lavatories.

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre defended this revision, saying that "persons, who through no fault of their own, were born male also have rights. One of the victims of this misfortune is Lia Thomas. When arbitrarily confined to the men's swimming team she was only a mediocre performer. By switching to the women's team she became a national champion. The President believes it is every boy's right to reject the injustice of being required to live as the sex assigned to them at birth and win championships in their chosen gender. He regrets that science has not yet developed a means for these unfortunate persons to have babies, but he is adamant that our laws defend their right to have babies."

Social Security Bankruptcy by 2033

The Board of Trustees for Social Security now predicts that the program will run out of money to pay beneficiaries by 2033. The problem is "higher-than-expected inflation rates and lower-than-expected output growth. The mechanism for restricting the annual cost-of-living adjustment (COLA) to the lesser of the increase in consumer prices or wages enacted in 1983 won't be enough to stave off bankruptcy. Some new way of decreasing the benefits paid out must be implemented."

Secretary of the Treasury and Managing Trustee of the Funds Janet Yellen pointed out that "when Social Security was first enacted in 1935 average life expectancy was 62 years. Today it's 79 years. In 1935, the average number of births per woman was 3.0. Today it's 1.66. Since increasing the birth rate would be environmentally harmful, decreasing life expectancy is our most viable point of leverage."

"One of the most obvious policy changes needed for decreasing life expectancy is to increase the frequency of euthanasia," Yellen observed. "Other countries and a few progressive-leaning US states have made euthanasia more widely available and easier to carry out. A federal law making euthanasia a nationwide right combined with a robust campaign to encourage more people to make this sacrifice for the common good is the least coercive measure we have for solving the problem. The growing poverty that would ensue as the COLA adjusted benefits continue to fall behind what's needed to live comfortably will make choosing euthanasia the most practical and merciful option for a growing proportion of our population."

Yellen did not rule out the possibility of "making euthanasia mandatory at some future date if the efforts to achieve voluntary participation prove inadequate. A nation cannot indefinitely continue to bear the burden of an elderly and nonproductive population cohort. An orderly method of disposing of this burden is a must."

Millions Illegally Contributed to Obama Reelection

In testimony at the federal trial of Prakazrel "Pras" Michel, actor Leonardo DiCaprio told the court that Michel carried out a money-laundering scheme that illegally diverted $20 million to help fund the reelection of President Barrack Obama in 2012. Additional witnesses testified that they were wired money and asked to forward it to the Obama campaign.

US Attorney General Merrick Garland discounted the possibility of following up on this allegation, saying "I see no basis for pursuing this matter. For of all, investigating potential wrongdoing by former presidents is not something we do in a genuine democracy. Second, the statute of limitations on any crime committed in 2012 has run out. Third, there is no evidence that an illegal donation toward the reelection of this century's best US President has resulted in any harm. To the contrary, if this money did decide the election outcome it had the immeasurable benefit of keeping the insipid Mitt Romney from becoming the nation's chief executive."

In related news, in testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Garland was asked about his agency's disparate treatment of several right-leaning activists. In one example, James O'Keefe, a journalist who exposes left-wing wrongdoing, was subjected to a pre-dawn FBI raid on his home in Westchester County, NY in November 2021. He was dragged outside in his underwear while FBI agents searched his apartment. The AG maintained that "I don't get involved in decisions like this, but considering that we are fighting against the enemies of our democracy, I would be averse to questioning what amount of force is used or how intimidated or humiliated the subjects of the Agency's enforcement teams may be."

Biden Punishes El Salvador

In an attempt to strike back at the criminal gangs making life tough for its honest citizens, President Nayib Bukele has been rounding up and arresting gang members that have extorted, mutilated and murdered people for decades. This anti-crime campaign has reduced the number of Salvadorans crossing US borders by 22% and earned the country sanctions from the Biden Administration.

US Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas defended the sanctions, complaining "who asked Bukele to crack down on so-called crime? The gangs he targeted were aiding migrants to make their way to America. These people are sorely needed to do the work that Americans are unwilling to do. The gangs also facilitate the transport of fentanyl and other drugs, that as Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau points out, are desperately needed by addicts."

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) called Biden's policy toward El Salvador "as misguided as it possibly could be. Why should the country be punished for making its citizens safer? Aside from the fact that President Bukele's actions are reducing the flow of refugees it is also saving the lives of its citizens as well as drug addicts in Canada and the United States. Is President Biden simply stupid? Or is he evil?"

Sweden's Pandemic Approach Vindicated

When the coronavirus first hit most western governments pushed the panic button and opted for a totalitarian approach--ordering businesses closed, people to isolate themselves at home, stay at least six feet apart, and wear masks over their nose and mouth and later, coerced injections of an experimental drug misleadingly characterized as a vaccine. Sweden took a more laissez-faire approach. People were free to take whatever precautions they wanted, but society stayed open. They reasoned that airborne viruses cannot be effectively contained and that the best policy would be to try to reach "herd immunity" as quickly as possible.

Three years later, the Swedish approach has produced the best results. Compared to its western peers, Sweden had the lowest excess deaths above long-term trend lines. This means that while the pandemic did boost total fatalities above the norm in Sweden, total fatalities in all the other countries were boosted even higher. "Herd immunity" was effectively achieved as younger and less vulnerable members of the population caught and spread the disease prompting the development of antibodies that aided resistance to further infection.

Rochelle Walensky, Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), called the results "surprising. Going against the consensus of experts was risky. If the laissez-faire approach had failed their reputations would have been irreparably damaged. Even now, the unexpected results can't be taken as proof of the wisdom of their actions. My instincts tell me that it could've been just dumb luck."

Interestingly, the other top performing part of the world during the pandemic was in countries too poor to afford all the coercive measures, vaccines, and hospitalizations that produced the greater acceleration of excess deaths experienced in the western peers of Sweden.

Meanwhile, in the US the CDC is developing a database to track who has and hasn't received the recommended doses of covid mRNA vaccinations. Nancy Andersen, a director with Kaiser Permanente Health Plan and Hospitals, and Erica Eastham, executive director at The Permanente Federation LLC, thanked the CDC for "providing valuable data for understanding vaccination rates and dealing with under-vaccinated patients."

In other health-related news, while a large part of the world was put through hell by ill-considered pandemic policies for a disease with a less than 1% overall fatality rate, the Pentagon now reports that 77% of military-age adults are unfit for service due to obesity and/or mental illness. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin was dismayed by "the slim pickings our recruiters face. We may have to consider re-instituting the draft. Why should professional sports be allowed to draft all the best physical specimens for themselves? Shouldn't the need to defend of the nation outweigh the desire to field a winning sports team?"

New Mayor to Decriminalize Looting

Newly elected Mayor of Chicago Brandon Johnson vowed to decriminalize looting, declaring it to be "the ultimate victimless crime. Smashed windows, broken-in doors, and stolen retail merchandise are all easily replaced. In fact, insurance usually covers the cost of repair and replacement. So why should Black folks have to go to jail for helping themselves to the reparations to which they are morally entitled?"

While some in Chicago question the viability of legalizing vandalism and theft, Johnson touted his policy's "superiority to that of Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg's decriminalization of murder. In New York City 40% of murder victims are Black. In Chicago the majority of the businesses looted are owned by whites. While I understand Bragg's point. I mean, more than 50% of the murder suspects are Black. This is disproportionate to their share of the population. So, I can see him wanting to give some of them a break, but this is a narrow constituency compared to the vastly larger number of Black looters."

It's not as if Chicago doesn't also have a murder problem. Homicides rose 50% during the term of recently ousted Mayor Lori Lightfoot. However, the new Mayor argued that "if voters were really concerned about that they would've elected Vallas. He was the big anti-crime candidate. The people of Chicago are tough. They're used to living with crime, or at least those who aren't murdered are. They're ready to move on to a post-punishment approach to dealing with disputes. Ultimately, I think the best solution would be to abolish private property and let the government dole out a fair share of the wealth to every resident."

Meanwhile in NYC, in a memo to his staff, Bragg clarified his policy, saying that "only murders committed with a firearm will be prosecuted as a felony. Stabbing, strangling, and beating someone to death will still be classified as misdemeanors."

Organization Slammed for Encouraging Skepticism

The Heartland Institute's distribution of its book "Climate at a Glance for Teachers and Students" to 8,000 school teachers was slammed by Susan Hassol, director of the Climate Communication group, for "encouraging students to be skeptical regarding claims made by those of us trying to save the planet from climate change. We have labored hard to establish the belief that we must take drastic actions now to avert disaster."

Hassol emphasized that "the kind of independent thought Heartland is fomenting infects our youngsters with a potentially fatal disbelief in our cause. Their 'keep an open mind' and 'demand evidence' memes unfairly exploit the fact that our evidence for an oncoming disaster seems invisible to the naked eye."

"The bigger picture is that skepticism destroys the unity needed to make our democracy work," Hassol added. "Screeds like this book are intended to destroy the people's faith in the government leaders who are fighting to save the Earth. It is another front in the battle that the insurrectionists are waging against the progressive heroes like Al Gore, George Soros, and President Biden who need all of us to support them and their efforts."