IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 16, 2023 Edition

More Americans Struggling Financially

A recent Monmouth University poll found that more Americans are struggling financially since Biden replaced Trump as the country's president. Patrick Murray, Director of the independent Monmouth University Polling Institute, observed that "Biden's claim that he better understands the average person's needs than billionaire Trump has not led to results that confirm his premise."

During Trump's term the percentage of Americans who said they were struggling to keep up with the cost of living ranged from 20% to 29%. Since Biden took over, that percentage has risen to 41%. Seventy percent feel financially stressed and 90% are worried about the rising inflation sparked by Biden's spending binge.

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre dismissed these survey results, calling them "part of an insidious pattern of right wing disinformation. The truth is that things have never been better for the American people. It was President Biden's heroic actions mandating the vaccinations that saved hundreds of millions of lives that would otherwise have been lost if Trump had been reelected. It is President Biden who is saving the planet by weaning the country off fossil fuels. Dissatisfaction over transient inflation shows the kind of selfishness his progressive policies are endeavoring to exterminate."

She went on to extol "the President's plans to supplant the unhealthy and expensive dietary preferences for red meat with lower cost sources of protein like insects that are less fatty and cheap to breed and process, to move people out of inefficient single-family residences and into cost-saving collective abodes like dormitories and barracks, and to eliminate all unnecessary travel by private automobiles by ensuring an abundance of electrically-powered mass transit trains and buses. Lifestyles will be more homogenized and uniform. This will promote the unity and conformity needed to survive in the transformed world that former President Obama promised to the American people."

Trump's Fundraising Fraud

Jack Smith, the Special Council appointed to investigate former President Trump, is said to be preparing to charge Trump with fraud for "using false allegations of vote fraud to dupe supporters into donating $200 million to his campaign fund during the period between the November 3, 2020 election and January 20, 2021, Trump's last day in office."

"Wire fraud laws make it illegal to make false representations over email to swindle people out of money," Smith said. "What could be more false than Trump's assertion that Joe Biden's 81 million votes to his 74 million votes was not proof that he legitimately lost the 2020 presidential election?"

Smith differentiated Trump's offense from GOP contentions that Democrats raised funds to campaign against Romney in 2012 by claiming he hadn't paid taxes for a decade, by pointing out that "the Democrats won that election. There was no way that that then Attorney General Holder was going to prosecute his own Party members no matter what they said or did. Secondly, the statute of limitations has long since run out for that crime. Trump lost the 2020 election. As a result, it was his opponent that got the right to appoint someone to prosecute Trump. Elections have consequences. Victors make the rules and write the history."

Smith admitted that he is not concerned whether Trump can ultimately be convicted of wire fraud. "The main point is that in the public eye Trump will be portrayed as a criminal under indictment for several crimes between now and election day 2024. American voters have never elected an indicted person for president. I'm confident that Trump won't be the first to overcome this precedent."

Legislator Makes Spontaneous Home Visit

Jeffrie Eugene Long Jr., member of the Maryland House of Delegates (D-Calvert and Prince George's counties) paid an uninvited visit to a constituent's home. He let himself in via an unlocked door and brought along a metal pipe to use during his conversation with the home owner. His message was a succinct "keep my name off your mouth or I'm going to put you six feet under." After a tense pause, Long left the home and drove away in his Mercedes-Benz.

The home owners called the police to complain about Long's bizarre behavior and expressed their fear that he meant them harm. Using info on his Mercedes-Benz SUV, police tracked down Long at his residence and questioned a woman who responded to their knock on the front door. She denied them entry and claimed that they "had no jurisdiction because Long is a Delegate in the legislature and has immunity." The police issued a criminal summons for home invasion and first-degree assault.

Later, Long justified his visit, calling it "a partial fulfillment of my campaign pledge to increase the amount of face-time I spend with folks in my district." As for the metal pipe he held, Long pointed out that "crime is a matter of great concern to the people I represent. Since I don't believe in guns, I often carry around an implement with which I can defend myself." He denied making any threats and characterized the complaint lodged against him as "a manifestation of Maryland's racist history. Most people don't seem to know that Maryland, like President Biden's home state of Delaware, was a slave state. If I were white no summons would have been issued."

Worst Criminals Will Be Paroled

Legislation (Senate Bill 94) authored by Senator Dave Cortese (D-Santa Clara) would allow murderers sentenced to death or life without parole (LWOP) for killings committed before June 5, 1990 to receive a lesser sentence. An example of the type of murderer eligible for this leniency is Tiequon Cox. In 1984, Cox went to the wrong address to carry out a gang revenge murder and ended up killing a mother, daughter, and two grandchildren. While on death row, Cox stabbed another death row inmate and attempted to escape.

Cortese was undaunted by the cruelty of crimes like the ones Cox perpetrated, saying "this all happened long ago while he was very young. He made an honest mistake. Living in the high-crime neighborhood where his victims were killed, there is a good possibility that by now they would've likely been killed by others had Cox not already done the job. It is unfair for him to be so harshly treated for something that probably would've occurred anyway. These types of facts need to be taken into consideration as mitigating factors that should allow Cox and those convicted of similar crimes to get out of prison and have a second chance at freedom."

Los Angeles District Attorney George Gasco?n, Alameda County DA Pamela Price and California Attorney General Rob Bonta all support SB94. Bonta said "I think 15 to 20 years in prison is a sufficiently severe punishment for young murderers who killed multiple victims or killed in concert with a rape, robbery, kidnapping or torture. The impulsive crimes of immature youth ought not be allowed to destroy that youngster's entire life. Being merciful to the merciless is a powerful message of forgiveness that has to inspire better behavior than a lifetime behind bars."

Evidence that normal people do not support this crazy "prison reform" was provided by US Census Bureau data showing that 90,704 people moved out of Los Angeles County, 15,650 out of Santa Clara County, and 14,840 out of Alameda County between 2021 and 2022.

Disney Squanders Wholesome Reputation

For generations parents could look to the Disney Corporation for wholesome entertainment. The rescue of damsels in distress, the thwarting of evil, and the celebration of heroes were stories that could inspire young people to strive for accomplishment and pursue moral outcomes. Sadly, the company has shifted gears toward defiling its previous storytelling success.

Instead of the affection and heroism of Disney's classic "Lady and the Tramp," the corporation's latest concoction "Pauline" has its teenage protagonist become so stressed out by school, climate change, and societal breakdown that she seeks comfort from a one-night stand with Satan. This follows 2022's "Little Demon" whose 13 year-old leading character is the offspring of a liaison between her mother and the devil--making the daughter the Anti-Christ.

Executive producers Philipp Käßbohrer and Matthias Murmann called these mutations away from decency "very close to our hearts. In the woke world of today children need to learn that happy endings are a myth and that life is a meaningless episode in an indifferent universe. Good and evil are artificial constructs used to brainwash the young. We are proud to play a part in destroying the propaganda that says otherwise."

Teixeira Leaks Contradict Ukraine War Narrative

This week, FBI agents arrested 21-year-old Air National Guardsmen Jack Teixeira for his role in leaking classified military documents. While the Biden Administration has claimed that the billions in aid advanced to support Ukraine's efforts in this war are succeeding, the classified military documents say otherwise.

According to General Mark Milley Russia has lost "well over 100,000 soldiers." Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin told Congress that "Ukraine is winning the war." However, the classified documents belie these assertions. According to these documents there have been an estimated 16,000 to 17,500 Russian casualties and as many as 71,000 Ukrainian casualties.

John Kirby, Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs, has warned the media "to refrain from repeating the contents of the classified documents even though the content is accurate." Kirby went on to clarify that further exposure of the truth would make them accessories to Teixeira's treason. Lies are an integral strategy for winning a war. Deceit played a crucial role in the defeat of the Nazi war machine. The media's assistance in propagating the perception that Ukraine is winning is vital to undermining Russian troops' morale."

Kirby dismissed Republican objections to being lied to as "unpatriotic. In times of crisis it is essential that all be united behind the strategy chosen by the nation's Commander-in-Chief. They forget that it was their Party's candidate for president in the 1944 election who patriotically opposed a Congressional investigation into the causes of the government's failure to be prepared for the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. We ask them to do the same now to put aside their partisan bickering over the corruption of our Ukrainian ally, the waste of tax dollars, and the risk of widening the conflict into a nuclear war and sign onto President Biden's pledge to do whatever it takes to ensure Russia's defeat."

Kirby assured that "the US troops that the leaked documents acknowledged are stationed in Ukraine are not there to engage in the fighting at the present time, but to serve as a 'trip wire' for stimulating public support for sending a larger force should any of them be killed or injured by Russian missiles or artillery. A similar strategy was used in 1941 to gain public support for the United States to enter what became World War II. I don't know of anyone today who thinks that was a mistake then. So why not replicate it in Ukraine now when the casualties will be far fewer than at Pearl Harbor?"

In other military news, Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro conceded that "we are no match for China's People's Liberation Army Navy. Within the next two years they will have 400 ships. We currently have fewer than 300. They have 13 shipyards, one of which has more capacity than all of ours combined. That's why I have made climate change my top priority since the first day I came into office. If we can moderate the predicted sea level rise due to global warming there will be fewer square miles of ocean for the Chinese navy to dominate."

$1.2 Million in Fines for Church

Evette Pennypacker, a Superior Court of California judge in Santa Clara County, rejected arguments that $1.2 million in fines levied by the county violated the religious rights of the members of the Calvary Chapel in San Jose "because the infringements of the free exercise of religion and the peaceable assembly of parishioners were not enacted by Congress, but imposed by county officials for the protection of public health during the pandemic."

The judge also rejected scientific evidence for the ineffectiveness of the mask mandate the county sought to impose, saying that "county officials did not know at that time that masks could not impede the spread of covid or that re-breathing the air trapped by the mandated masks could actually be a detriment to one's health. In hindsight, the mandate may appear to have been a mistake, but that doesn't relieve citizens from the obligation to heed the orders their government officials give to them or pay fines for disobedience."

Mariah Gondeiro, an attorney for Calvary Chapel, said "we will appeal this obviously incorrect and incoherent ruling by Judge Pennypacker. The whims of ill-informed county officials cannot outweigh the rights protected by the US Constitution."