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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 23, 2023 Edition

Congressmen Debate Gun Control

Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D–NY) and Rep. Thomas Massie (R–Ky) got into a shouting match over gun control this week. The fireworks started when Massie asserted that "there has never been a mass shooting in a school that allows teachers to carry." Bowman called the statement "nonsense. More guns lead to more deaths."

Statistics don't support Bowman's claim. Gun ownership in the US has risen such that there are now more guns than people. However, federal crime data show that homicides committed with firearms have declined from 7 per 100,000 people in 1993 to to 4.3 per 100,000 people in 2018 (the latest complete year information available). Nonfatal crimes involving guns during this period also declined by 71%.

Bowman dismissed this data as "irrelevant. I'm not going to be sidetracked by a slew of numbers. My concern is people. Those that I have talked to are afraid of guns and will feel safer if they are made illegal everywhere. If no one has guns, no one can be shot."

Massie pointed out that "there is a difference between making gun-ownership illegal and making guns disappear. Persons determined to commit crimes will arm themselves regardless of whether doing so is illegal. Mr. Bowman's approach amounts to unilateral disarmament of the innocent and law-abiding members of society. The 'gun-free zones' Democrats have established in schools become favored targets of homicidal maniacs. If we want to deter massacres we need to arm more of the personnel in these target areas."

Bowman expressed confidence that "Massie's argument is too complicated for the average voter to understand. Our simpler message wins more votes. In the long run, the only legal guns will be owned by the government. Anyone else possessing a firearm will be shot on sight by police or troops. China has successfully used this approach and has much lower homicide rates than the US. It is the only sane option."

NY DA Defends Theft

Asserting that enforcing laws against theft has a disproportionate impact on racial minorities, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg is using prosecutorial discretion to decide whether to press charges against thieves.

"I ask myself, 'why would a person carjack a Mercedes/'" Bragg said. "The simple answer is poverty. The vehicle costs more than the thief can afford. Is that just? Does a person fortunate enough to be able to buy such a vehicle have a stronger moral claim to ownership than the thief? Well, if the owner is white and the thief is black I think not. The black person has a legacy of slavery, exploitation, and discrimination that has blocked his opportunity to acquire such a vehicle. The white's legacy of being the beneficiary of slavery, exploitation and discrimination invalidates his moral claim to the property."

"Rather than absolve myself of the responsibility for rectifying racial injustices, I'm using my authority to balance the scales," Bragg boasted. "Eventually, society will award blacks the reparations they deserve for the crimes committed against their ancestors. Until that happens I want my racial brothers to know that they can come to my city and take what they deserve. The only rule they need to follow is to focus on redistributing wealth from the hands of undeserving whites and not harm any brothers in the process."

Biden Scheme to Penalize High Credit Scores

One of the steps recommended for financial success is to achieve a good credit rating. Showing that you can borrow money and pay it back opens doors for more opportunities. Organizations that have money to lend like this behavior and become more willing to advance the sums needed to finance a home or business. The Biden Administration does not. This week, President Biden signed a decree that will add a $40 per month charge to loans made to credit-worthy borrowers. The funds obtained will be used to subsidize loans to unworthy borrowers.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen called the cross-subsidy scheme "a painless way of righting the wrongs of our country's systemic racism. The extra $40 per month charge is less than 2% of the average monthly payment for a new 30-year mortgage on an average priced home. This is a small amount to pay for the privilege of being allowed to buy a home in America. It will be a big benefit to people who have bad credit that otherwise would prevent them from getting a home loan."

Yellen denied that the $40 monthly charge will be an involuntarily imposed "tax" on the middle class "because no one is forced to borrow money to buy a home. They could always just pay cash or, better still, continue to rent an apartment. That would accord with the President's desire that more Americans choose to live in higher-density housing, do most of their traveling on higher-density public transportation, and vote for higher-density Democrats to run the government."

Economic Freedom "Dis-Unifying" America

The latest "Rich States, Poor States" report from the American Legislative Exchange Council shows that Republican-led red states are in better economic condition than Democrat-led blue states. Co-author Steven Moore called the data "powerful evidence that the low tax, light regulation states are outperforming the high tax, heavy regulation states. It should surprise no one that folks are migrating out of the blue states and into the red states."

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre didn't dispute the statistics, but called the trend "unfair and dis-unifying. The President is appalled that some states prey upon the population of other states by offering a better way of life when they should be sending their surplus wealth to help support the larger dependent populations of the blue states. States like California and New York are fighting for racial and economic justice. It is a moral obligation for those who are better off to chip in whatever they can to assist in this fight."

She went on to denounce "those who blindly worship individual prosperity rather than human solidarity. The President has frequently expressed to me his admiration of the social society of the bees. There are no individuals striving to out-compete their peers. All cooperate in unselfish toil for the good of the whole. He wishes he could magically induce every American to follow his vision of a transformed humanity and is dismayed that the model behavior of his son Hunter's efforts toward this goal are not properly appreciated by the enemies of our democracy. Fortunately, Biden-loyalists like Tony Blinken have so far been able to thwart Republican efforts to crucify Hunter on a series of manufactured allegations."

Rep. Andy Biggs (R-Az) offered his opinion that "the vast majority of Americans would be appalled at the President's vision of himself as a sort of 'queen bee' living off the productivity of hard-working people. The schemes of his son and other relatives to divert more money into their own pockets add nothing of value to the economy. The aid of Blinken in concealing these schemes is not 'fortunate.' It abets criminal behavior."

FBI Spying on Christians Warranted

While many find it inexplicable that the FBI would be investing so much effort to monitor the activities going on in America's churches, Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va) does not.

"Let me remind those ignorant of history that this isn't the first time that Christians have posed a serious challenge to government authority," Kaine said. "Two thousand years ago they were active spreaders of disinformation and disloyalty toward those responsible for maintaining public order. Their chief agitator was so disruptive that it was necessary to make an example of him. But his followers were so fanatical that they remained undeterred and had to be put to death in large numbers in a continuing campaign to preserve the peace."

"The threat of contemporary Christians is even more severe," Kaine maintained. "Due to an error in our founding documents, the common people were given the right to keep and bear arms. This makes them potentially more dangerous than the unarmed Christians arrested by the Roman government authorities during the time of Nero and his successors. So, yes, I think we should be glad that our FBI is taking a proactive approach before the members of this extremist cult act out against the rest of us."

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) called the FBI's spying "a manifestation of the spiraling descent into madness that has overtaken many Democrats in this country. There are real criminals and terrorists actively seeking to subjugate or kill Americans. Shifting our law-enforcement efforts from them in order to harass and intimidate church-going Christians is sick."

"I'll tell you what's sick," Kaine countered. "It's the religious fanatics who oppose abortion and child transgender surgeries without parental consent. Their efforts to impede these essential human rights is like an assault rifle aimed at vulnerable women and children--the very people that democratic governments have a moral duty to defend and protect."

Dems Defend Rampaging Teens

Last weekend, mobs of teenagers swarmed into downtown Chicago where they smashed store windows, set cars on fire, assaulted out-of-town tourists, and shot at each other.

Mayor-elect Brandon Johnson (D) pleaded with the city's residents to "not overreact by demonizing the exuberance of our youth. They are our future and should not be condemned for expressing their joy in ways that our older residents might find frightening." He then went on to blame his predecessor for "allowing the pall of systemic racism to stifle opportunities for our black youth."

Outgoing Mayor Lori Lightfoot denied that her reign stifled black youth by pointing out that "gang shootings skyrocketed during my term in office. Whites might not appreciate this lifestyle, but it cannot be said that I presided over a systemic stifling of minority opportunities in our city."

State Senator Robert Peters (D-Chicago) called the destructive behavior "simply a protest against poverty and segregation. When a person is poor it's only natural to want to destroy the property of others. This helps narrow the gap between the 'haves' and the 'have-nots.' The more totally the property is destroyed, the closer to full equality we get. It would be a harder life for everyone, but at least we'd all be equally poor."

Anarchapulco 2023