IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 30, 2023 Edition

Capitol Cop Assails Carlson

US Capitol Police Chief Thomas Manger called the firing of Tucker Carlson by FOX News "long overdue. This clown has no respect for authority. His lopsided criticism of our handling of the January 6 insurrection invited unwarranted complaints against the way the government dealt with these traitors."

"Carlson thinks the way the government treated the insurrectionists was harsh considering how peaceful many of the Capitol invaders were," Manger said. "Well, we would've been within our rights to have shot all of them. They were illegally present inside a government building. None of them had guns. Killing them would've been easy. Carlson should have appreciated the fact that we only shot one of these invaders."

"For a while, the damage to the morale our officers from Carlson's airing of an unbalanced selection of the January 6 videos was substantial," Manger admitted. "But it has perked up knowing that Carlson has lost his TV platform. I hope the rest of the media will be wise enough to understand that keeping him off the air is essential to preserving our democracy. And I hope that Carlson will be wise enough to understand the risks he will be taking if he continues to broadcast his anti-government propaganda via any other media outlet."

County Steals Woman's Home Equity

In Hennepin County, Minnesota, 80-year-old Geraldine Tyler fell $2,300 behind in paying her property taxes and an added $13,000 in interest, penalties, and assorted fees. Tyler couldn't afford to pay the accumulated amount. So, the County auctioned off her condo and got $40,000 for it. They did not return the excess over the amount debt owed to the county by Tyler. She is sued for the return of her remaining equity from that sale. This suit has now reached the US Supreme Court.

Neal Katyal, the attorney representing Hennepin County, justified keeping the residual amount after deducting the tax debt, saying that "historically, the authority to keep everything dates back to 1278 when the English Parliament's Statute of Gloucester ruled that when a vassal fails to provide enough wheat to his lord his lands escheat to the lord. Further, the US Court of Appeals for the 8th Circuit Judge Steven Colloton ruled that in the absence of a state law explicitly recognizing the property interest in surplus proceeds from a tax foreclosure-sale, the government is free to take as much of the debtor's money as it wishes."

Christina Martin, the attorney representing Tyler, countered with "the county could have collected the debt without violating the Constitution by following the traditional common law rule still followed in most states and still followed in Minnesota in nearly every other debt collection circumstance by taking the property, selling it, paying the debts from the proceeds, and refunding the remainder to Ms. Tyler."

While Justices Elena Kagan, Paul Gorsuch, Clarence Thomas, and Amy Coney Barrett all questioned the justice of confiscating the remaining equity of the debtor, Katyal warned that "reversing the previous judicial rulings in this case could seriously imperil the fiscal soundness of the state and local governments that depend on the profits from seized properties."

Dems Dis Parental Rights

In Virginia, state Sen. Monty Mason (D-Williamsburg) and state Del. Shelly Simonds (D-Newport) mocked Republicans over a bill (SB 1515) that would require porn websites to verify a user's age before allowing access to lewd content.

"Speaking from my own personal experience, I'd say that porn is a vital educational resource for boys entering puberty," Mason asserted. "Keeping these explicit images available is the antidote to the ignorance that prudery has foisted on the young for generations. In an ideal world, porn would be part of every middle school curriculum. Short of this, keeping the access open for children to find it on their own is essential."

Simonds went even further, arguing that "it is the role of government to liberate society's young from the tyranny of their parents. As the puberty hormones kick in, sex becomes the most important subject. By letting schools help youngsters to go where their parents forbid them to go we can earn their trust and gain their support for the whole progressive agenda. SB1515 would undermine that."

"Shelly, you're right on target," Mason agreed. "As President Biden says, 'there's no such thing as someone else's child. Our nation's children are all our children.' So, anything that the government can do to break the bond between parent and child must be done for the good of the nation."

Biden Rejects Debt Limit Negotiations

The efforts of House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) to negotiate a compromise agreement to raise the government's debt limit was flatly rejected by President Biden.

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre explained that "the President considers any attempt to restrict the amount he needs to spend an attack on our democracy. The American people voted for him to be president. This empowers him to determine what has to be done for the benefit of the country. It is Congress' job to pass the legislation necessary to fund the President's programs. Refusing to do what the President wants is treason."

McCarthy called the Press Secretary's conception of the roles of the respective branches of government "inane. The purpose of our government's division of powers is to generate compromise for the public good. In no way is Congress obligated to fulfill the demands of any president. As we see it, the exorbitant spending desired by President Biden is the root cause of the current spate of rising inflation. Too much money is being spent on things of little value. What we are asking in exchange for raising the debt ceiling is a modest 1% reduction in some of that spending."

US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen warned that "failure to raise the debt limit will destroy the people's faith in our government and wreck our economy. To me, the mere threat to refuse to raise the debt limit is extortion. That's a crime under US Law. McCarthy and any other member of Congress who won't immediately vote for a 'no strings attached' increase in the debt limit is an enemy of democracy. The President should arrest them and appoint replacements who will vote for unlimited debt and eliminate future financial crises."

Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) insisted that "exorbitant spending is our only viable option in today's runaway inflation. The notion that we can reduce outlays on anything is unreasonable. Continuing to borrow money at an increasing pace shifts the burden to those who buy our bonds. Eventually, these bonds will be rendered worthless by inflation. In the meantime, we'll still have the benefits from our spending without having to make any meaningful payments in return. Republicans say that this is dishonest, but progressives know that it is smart."

RFK Jr Censored

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., the son of murdered Sen. Robert F. Kennedy (D-NY) and nephew of murdered President John F. Kennedy, has launched a campaign seeking the Democratic Party's nomination for president. Two of the factors motivating his entry into the race are his disgust with the medical tyranny unleashed during the covid pandemic and the rampant censorship imposed on those who questioned this tyranny.

As many presidential candidates do, he agreed to be interviewed by ABC News. He was later stunned by the omission of his remarks on these two topics in the taped segment aired by ABC. Anchor Linsey Davis justified the censorship of this candidate's views on the grounds that "his opinions on these issues are false. Officials at the CDC have declared that the vaccines developed to combat the disease are safe and effective. As journalists we couldn't ethically air Mr. Kennedy's opinions that they are not."

Disappointed that so-called journalists at ABC News saw fit to censor his views, RFK, Jr. observed that "there is no time in history where the people who were censoring speech were the good guys. During the pandemic many of my social media posts questioning the wisdom of the lockdowns were labeled misinformation and taken down. This kind of behavior is a direct assault on our democracy. In the Bill of Rights, America's Founders put the right to free expression in the First Amendment because all the other rights depended on it—because the government that has the power to silence its critics has license for any kind of atrocity."

Apprised of RFK's objections to her censorship, Davis laughed. "His reaction shows how out of step he is with the modern progressive Democratic Party's way of thinking. Given the grievous danger disunity poses in today's politics it is imperative that those who cherish our democracy stand against unwarranted dissent against our values and actions to protect those values. We here at ABC News will do whatever we have to to ensure that Mr. Kennedy's campaign goes nowhere."

In related news, as the publication of studies on the effects of the pandemic lockdowns continues to prove that critics like RFK were right about how damaging these policies were, Dr. Anthony Fauci is now saying that "I never closed down any school or business. I had no power to do so. All I did was suggest that these places could accelerate the spread of covid. It was others who acted on these suggestions that bear the responsibility for the lives ruined, suicides, and other negative outcomes that post-pandemic research is now discovering."

Meanwhile, the demonstration of the covid vaccines' failure to prevent infection or transmission of the disease has inspired the FDA to say that "vaccines no longer require a demonstration of the prevention of infection or transmission of the virus to be called a vaccine. All that is required is for the appropriate government agency to declare whatever substance it wishes to be called a vaccine."

Flying Illegals into America

Concerned that the record number of illegal border-crossings aren't as high as they could be, three former US presidents Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama have jointly formed a non-governmental organization (NGO) called Miles4Migrants to fly more illegal immigrants into the US.

"For some the walk is too long and arduous," Clinton said. "Only the most physically fit can make it. What about the decrepit, the ill, and mentally deranged? How can we expect them to make it here?"

Obama pointed out that "excluding the unfit persons cited by my good friend Bill would skew our population toward a disproportionately healthy mix, lowering the demand for hospitals, asylums, and prisons."

Bush boasted that "my expertise with flying--you know I flew fighter jets during the Vietnam War--gave me the idea that if we could raise some money we could fly some of those who otherwise might not make it on their own to America. So, with a little seed money from George Soros we started up the Miles4Migrants air service network."

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) wryly observed that "using donor money to smuggle these people into the country is probably fairer than the Biden Administration illegally using tax dollars to do the same thing."

Congressman Warns IRS

House Ways and Means Chairman Jason Smith (R-Mo) warned IRS Commissioner Daniel Werfel not to retaliate against a whistleblower who has offered to provide evidence of IRS political interference in the Hunter Biden investigation being undertaken by the House Ways and Means Committee.

Werfel replied to Smith saying "if you tell me who he is I'll see what I can do. Every public employee owes loyalty to the President. I hope that you realize that since the target of your investigation is the President's son you could be entering dangerous territory. Fathers can be expected to take action to protect their sons from harm. The President has powerful agencies capable of inflicting serious consequences on anyone he perceives as an enemy. You can't count of his dementia to cause him to forget who his enemies are. Perhaps you will wish to reconsider whether hearing the evidence being offered to you is worth the risk you may be taking."

"If you aren't going to tell me who the spy in the IRS is, be assured that we are already working on finding out," Werfel added. "If you have any consideration for his well-being you might want to advise him to refrain from disclosing information not intended for outside ears. That kind of misstep can ruin a career or worse, especially if there are any children involved. I hope I have been helpful and that we never again need to hear anymore on this matter."

In related news, Sens. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) sent a letter Wednesday to Attorney General Merrick Garland and FBI Director Christopher Wray advising them that "federal agencies cannot conceal their wrongdoing behind illegal nondisclosure agreements and related documents," only to be told that "the decision on which crimes to prosecute is solely at the discretion of the Department of Justice and are none of your business."

Anarchapulco 2023