IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 7, 2023 Edition

Union Wants Share of Pork

United Auto Workers (UAW) President Shawn Fain is withholding his union's endorsement of the reelection of President Biden "until we get our fair share. If he can afford to pour billions of dollars into subsidizing the corporations for the electric vehicle transition he can afford to subsidize us too."

Fain expressed concern that "phasing out gasoline-powered vehicles could cost our members their jobs. The commitment to unprofitable electric vehicles needs to have protections for the workers who assemble them. We're waiting to see what the President is willing to offer us for our support."

Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said "the President remains confident that the UAW will come around to support him. Fain has already said that there is no way they will support Trump. Given that Trump is the odds on favorite to win the Republican nomination the UAW will have no choice but to back President Biden's reelection. So, rather than using threats, getting aboard earlier rather than later is the safest choice."

In related news, a study done in the UK showed that between 2020 and 2023 electric vehicles (EVs) have lost value faster than gasoline-powered vehicles. The Tesla Model S lost 46% of its value at purchase, the Nissan Leaf lost 58%, the Hyundai Ioniq lost 67%, and the BMW i3 lost 64%. Over this period cars using gasoline lost an average of 37% of their starting value. US Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm called the accelerated depreciation of EVs "a necessary sacrifice in our quest for an emission-free transportation system. Just remember to park your EV out front so you get credit from your neighbors for making this sacrifice."

Drag Queen to Boost Navy Recruitment

The US Navy has asked Yeoman 2nd Class Joshua Kelley--a drag performer whose stage name is "Harpy Daniels"--to help secure more recruits for the service by acting as their unpaid "Digital Ambassador."

Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro fended off criticism by pointing out that "there is a rich history of non-binary behavior among seagoing men. Long voyages on vessels devoid of women fostered creative sexual liaisons. We thought embracing this history could tap into a recruitment pool that has been largely ignored."

Rep. Sara Jacobs (D-Calif), vice chair of the Congressional Equity Caucus and co-chair of the Transgender Equality Taskforce, praised the Navy's initiative and pointed out that "sodomy has a long tradition in seafaring. I'm glad to see that rather than macho posturing, the Biden Administration is working to create more opportunities for LGBTQ individuals to serve in our armed forces."

Robert O'Neill, a former member of the Navy Seal team that killed Osama bin Laden, had a less optimistic view of this development, saying "protecting this country means killing our enemies, not dancing around in women's clothing and makeup."

Secretary Del Toro dismissed O'Neill's complaint, calling it "the typical narrow-minded perspective of a grunt. There are bigger issues than he can comprehend. It is the job of those of us in charge to make sure that these bigger issues prevail over his simplistic 'kill the enemy' logic."

Schiff: "Comer Investigation Futile"

In an interview aired on CNN's "This Morning" show, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) explained why the investigation of the Biden family's influence peddling scheme being conducted by House Committee on Oversight and Accountability Chairman James Comer (R-Ky.) "is an exercise in futility."

"First, let's take Comer's demand to see a document his informant says are in the FBI's files that is said to confirm bribery," Schiff said. "The FBI could simply stonewall the request or destroy the document. Comer would have no proof that such a document even exists, much less what is in it if it does exist. I mean, he can't very well have the FBI conduct a raid on itself to search the premises."

"Second, the alleged crimes took place in 2016," Schiff pointed out. "Surely, the statute of limitations has already run out. Even if guilty, the President, Hunter, and the other Bidens involved cannot legally be held accountable."

"Finally, as the President of the United States, Biden has an unconstrained authority under the US Constitution to pardon any person for any reason," Schiff asserted. "So, there's no way Comer can succeed. The media will mercilessly portray him as a failure and a fool. My advice to Comer is to work toward getting aboard the gravy train rather than risk being run over by it."

Tick Bite Could Save Climate

News that a bite from the lone star tick can cause a severe allergy to eating red meat has given a boost to the World Economic Forum's (WEF) vision of switching the human diet away from beef and toward eating insects.

WEF founder Klaus Schwab called the bug "an unexpected ally in our battle to save the planet from humanity. Ideally, people would altruistically switch their diets away from foods that contribute to climate change. As we know, though, habits of long tenure are hard to break. If we can accelerate the rate of tick bites or develop a vaccine that could achieve the same results--we can make red meat a less frequent choice of diners."

Schwab was unfazed by the possibility that a person infected with this red meat allergy could experience anaphylaxis, saying "the severity of the reaction to the allergy is a big plus. The threat of a sudden death from eating a steak would be much more potent a deterrent than the prospect of dying decades later from the clogged arteries that a red meat diet can cause. And if the deterrent doesn't work the speedier removal of another redundant human in our over-populated world is also a plus."

"As we have seen from the success of the covid vaccine mandates, huge majorities of the population can be made to obey a command to get vaccinated," Schwab observed. "I see no reason why a mandate to get the tick vaccine wouldn't be equally successful."

Reinstatement Amendment Fails

Sen. Rand Paul's (R-KY) "Support the Reinstatement of Trained and Effective Firefighters" amendment to the "Fire Grants and Safety Act" (S.870), was voted down by a 54-45 margin in the Senate. The purpose of this amendment was to end the embargo on rehiring firefighters who were discharged for refusing to be injected with the experimental covid vaccines.

Paul called the votes against his proposed amendment "bizarre. While there was little reason for requiring these low-risk young and healthy individuals to get the jab in the first place, there is no good reason now for barring them from rejoining the firefighting profession."

Sen. Mitt Romney, one of only four Republicans (the others were Susan Collins, Mike Rounds, and Lisa Murkowski) to vote against the amendment strongly disagreed with Paul's reasoning. "The fact that we now know that the vaccines are neither safe nor effective doesn't change the fact that those ordering the injections had the authority to do so. Our country is built upon obedience to duly elected authorities like the president and his appointees. Those who refuse the orders given to them cannot be forgiven. To do so will breed future disobedience and chaos. I cannot abide restoring rebels within the bowels of as important a government function as firefighting."

Biden Boasts He Got Carlson off the Air

At the annual White House correspondents dinner, President Biden boasted that one of the jobs he got done in the last year was "to get Tucker Carlson off the air."

The mainstream media audience was mostly uncertain of how to respond, but a few boos were heard, to which Biden responded by saying "what are you booing about, like you think that's not reasonable? Give me a break. I was elected to unify this country. Carlson's continued criticism of me undermined our nation's unity and our democracy. It was my sacred duty to silence him in whatever way that I could. Right now we have him where we want him. His contract with Fox runs till the end of 2024. He still gets paid, but he can't say anything without Fox's prior approval. He won't be free to speak until I'm already reelected. Let's see how the right-wingers who mock me as 'addle-brained' deal with me outsmarting them."

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