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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 11, 2023 Edition

Biden Disputes Poll Trend

The latest Gallup poll results on social issues show a trend toward conservatism over the last three years. In 2021, 30% of those polled identified as conservative. In the 2023 survey, 38% did. In 2021, 34% identified as liberal. In 2023, 29% did. In 2021, 36% identified as moderate. In 2023, 33% did.

Republicans are inclined to attribute this shift to the increased stridency of Democrat demands for unlimited abortion, transgender intrusions into women's sports and locker rooms, and urging schools to foster gender transitions without parents' consent. President Biden, however, attributes it to "cruelty. Kids have a right to change their gender. It is wrong for parents to try to stop them. The Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) has a list of hate groups and parents who object to schools aiding children to transition are on it."

"If we delve deeper into the Gallup data we find that a shocking 74% of Republicans now self-identify as conservative," Biden added. "Among independents and Democrats those percentages are 29% and 10%, respectively. So, as we can see, the Party of the enemies of democracy is the source of our problems in transforming our country as envisioned by former President Obama."

"Fortunately, other polls give me a sense that trends will swing back in our favor," Biden said. "A Cato Institute poll showed that 29% of voters under the age of 30 support government installing surveillance cameras in every household. A poll of Princeton students--some of the best and brightest of the younger generation--showed that 76% support shouting down speakers who say disagreeable things, 43% support blocking other students from attending speeches given by persons with unacceptable views, and 16% support using violence when necessary to prevent the utterance of unapproved ideas. I'm confident that as these younger people take over more leadership roles in our society we will be more solidly unified behind a progressive future for humanity."

Trump Indicted for Mishandling Classified Documents

Though the mishandling of classified documents is a widespread behavior among high-ranking political figures, former President Donald Trump is the first to be prosecuted for this behavior. Several others known to have mishandled classified documents have offered explanations for the disparate treatment.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton illegally forwarded many classified documents to her personal off-site email server. When this became public knowledge she attempted to erase her emails and ordered that other devices that might have incriminating documents on them be smashed with hammers. James Comey, the FBI Director at that time, declined to prosecute her. Clinton now brags that "he knew that there was no way that a jury in DC from which the classified documents were sent or New York where the classified documents were illegally kept would convict me, so why waste time and money trying." She is using the publicity generated by the latest indictment of Trump in Florida for classified documents stored at his Mar-a-Lago residence to boost sales of her gear celebrating her 2016 non-prosecution.

President Biden had several stashes of classified documents lying around in insecure locations--including in the garage where he parks his Corvette. He has yet to be questioned about this by anyone from the Department of Justice (DOJ). He says "the reason is the guys at DOJ know that I'm honest. The American people know that I'm honest. In contrast, Trump is the only American president to be impeached twice. He is also a clear threat to our democracy. If there's a way we can get him behind bars we ought to take it."

Meanwhile, former Gov. Asa Hutchinson (R-Ark) again called for Trump to drop out of the race, saying "this is the second indictment against him this year. The first was in New York City where a heavily Democrat jury pool is likely to result in a conviction. The second is by the DOJ. Ninety percent of DOJ indictments result in a plea agreement. Of those that go to trial 90% are convicted. I hear that he may also be indicted in Georgia for election interference and in DC for espionage. He also was ordered by a court to pay $5 million to a woman for denying he raped her. Let's face it, the system is out to get him. The patriotic thing for him to do is step aside and give the rest of us in the Party a chance to win the nomination."

Mulvaney Plan to Counter Boycott

Dylan Mulvaney, the transgender activist who's endorsement of Bud Light Beer knocked it off its position as America's best-selling beer, has a plan the thwart the type of boycott he inspired. "As I see it, the simplest way out of the clutches of the anti-woke counteroffensive is for me and people like me to be signed as spokespersons for every product."

"Look, it's easier for the haters when they can switch to another beer," Mulvaney reasoned. "But what if every beer is endorsed by a transgender? Can all the beer lovers go cold turkey and boycott all the beer brands? I think not. The same goes for other businesses. Right now Target is suffering because it took a strong stand to market the penis-tucking garments many transgenders need. Now we need to boost the encouragement for other retailers to make the same marketing decision."

"I met with President Biden and he is onboard with the idea that all businesses should help normalize the acceptance of the transgender message and lifestyle," Mulvaney boasted. "In fact, he called opposition to mainstreaming our values 'cruel.' While he admitted he wasn't optimistic about getting trans-friendly legislation through Congress, he did promise to ask Attorney General Garland if there might be a way he or the Federal Trade Commission could issue an order or interpret an existing law or rule to require all businesses to accommodate the needs of the transgender segment of the population."

In related news, University of Michigan professor Justin Wolfers called those who boycott to protest transgenderism "domestic terrorists. This is not the righteous boycott, vandalism, and arson that progressives organized in protest against the death of George Floyd. It is unwarranted opposition to the woke social revolution." Ironically, Target's efforts to assuage the boycotters by removing the penis-tucking clothing has resulted in bomb threats demanding that they reverse course again.

Abettor of Nursing Home Deaths Promoted

Dr. Howard Zucker, the New York State Department of Health Commissioner who aided and abetted Gov. Andrew Cuomo's deadly decision to send covid-infected oldsters into nursing homes during the early days of the pandemic, has now been named a deputy director for the Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

Outgoing Director of the CDC Rochelle Walensky cited Zucker's experience "as a prime factor in his appointment to the CDC. I know that some will question the value of that experience in light of the fact that he helped implement one of the most damaging mistakes made by a public official during the pandemic. But mistakes teach us important lessons. Rather than cast aside the knowledge he undoubtedly has gained from that mistake we have put him in a position where his future actions can have a broader scope of impact."

Christopher Laxton, the head of the Society for Post-Acute and Long-Term Care Medicine, called Zucker's elevation "inexplicable. Not only did he show poor judgment in rubber-stamping Gov. Cuomo's ignorant mandate, he later participated in the creation of propaganda meant to cover up the disastrous outcome. Later he tried to impede an audit by the State Comptroller's office that found that Zucker and other top leaders intentionally misled the public. Does the nation deserve to have this kind of blunderer and liar sitting within the CDC?"

Speaking of top leaders misleading the public, Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) blamed the smoke from Canadian forest fires that gave the state its worst air pollution since the 1960s on global climate change, saying "wildfires of unnatural strength continue blazing in Canada, sending toxic air and smoke over the border and over American cities." A more credible culprit for the "unnatural strength" of the latest fires is the green ideology that has displaced previous forest management policies that promoted clearing brush and thinning the density of trees. The green dream of saving trees from loggers has provided the fuel for bigger and more polluting fires.

NYC Sues Upstate Counties

New York City Mayor Eric Adams is suing 30 New York counties for what he alleges is their "xenophobic bigotry" for refusing to accept the illegal immigrants he wants to bus into their jurisdictions. "New York City has—virtually on its own—stepped up to provide shelter, food, clothing, and other services to these asylum seekers. We are doing our part and will continue to do our part, but we need every locality across the state to do their part as well," Adams said.

Rockland County official Ed Day rejected Adams' argument and pointed out "it is Mayor Adams who wants his city to be a sanctuary for illegal immigrants. The voters of Rockland County have not volunteered to bear the burdens of being a sanctuary for these lawbreakers. The Mayor has no right to foist this burden on them. If the Mayor is weary of bearing this burden his beef is with President Biden for not enforcing our country's immigration laws."

Adams asserted that "it is President Biden's prerogative to decide which laws he will or won't enforce. It is every American's obligation to support his decision and do their part to ensure its success. I'm confident that our status as a sanctuary city is fulfilling our obligation. It is people like Texas Gov. Abbott who are undermining the President's plans by busing immigrants out of his state to other states. Those immigrants voluntarily entered Texas. Abbott has no right to send them elsewhere."

Day pointed out that "those who voluntarily got on the buses provided by Abbott wanted to go to New York City because it is a sanctuary city. Why does Mayor Adams think he has the right to send them elsewhere?"

Long Withheld FBI Document Shows Bribe

The FD 1023 document that FBI Director Christopher Wray finally forwarded to Congress under threat of being held in contempt shows that in 2016 Burisma, a Ukranian company, paid Joe and Hunter Biden $5 million each to exert their influence to get Ukrainian Prosecutor General Viktor Shokin, who was investigating Burisma, fired. Shokin was fired--an outcome that Joe Biden has gleefully boasted about on several occasions since then.

After viewing the FD 1023, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga) said "President Biden took a bribe from a from a foreign country. Bribery is one of the specific crimes that the Constitution cites as grounds for impeaching a president. That tells me that President Biden should be impeached and removed from office. Further, he should also be prosecuted."

President Biden called the claim that he committed bribery "malarkey. My son is a legitimate business consultant. Any money he collected from Burisma was simply a payment for services rendered. If he decided to share some of it with me that's a private matter. Those who are accusing me are all members of a political Party that is trying to destroy our democracy. The media knows this. That's why they belittle the opinions of people like Ms. Greene. The voters know this. That's why I got more votes for president than anyone else in our nation's history. The truth will be shown when 17 months from now I'm reelected with even more votes than I got in 2020 and Donald Trump is in jail."

Comey Calls Trump "Existential Threat"

Former FBI Director James Comey called polls showing former President Trump beating current President Biden in a 2024 election rematch "extremely troubling. As everyone knows, I have dedicated the last eight years of my life to thwarting the evil schemes of this man. I launched the 'Crossfire Hurricane' effort to try to prevent his election in 2016. When that failed, I worked to undermine his agenda in anyway I could. Even after I was fired, friends inside the DOJ leaked confidential information that I passed on to the media."

"It was the happiest day of my life when Trump lost to Biden in 2020," Comey remembered. "I thought the covert operation to fake an insurrection on January 6, 2021 would have so damaged Trump's reputation that he would be done with politics. But he has comeback stronger than ever. Impeachments, indictments, and an almost uniformly hostile media don't seem to affect how voters feel about him. He's like the Frankenstein monster from the movies. He keeps coming back time-after-time."

"There's no telling how much damage he will do to the government if he wins in 2024," Comey warned. "He is a clear and present danger to our democracy. No option for averting such a disaster should be considered too extreme. I hope someone of courage will rescue us from this would-be dictator."

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