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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 10, 2023 Edition

"Remain in Texas" Policy

Complaints from the mayors of sanctuary cities are inspiring the Biden Administration to seek a remedy that would entail requiring that illegal immigrants remain in Texas. Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas explained "none of these mayors expected hordes of immigrants to be bused to their jurisdictions. Declaring their status as 'sanctuary cities' was meant to be a symbolic expression of solidarity with those seeking a better life. Unfortunately, that madman down in Texas is disrupting everything for places like Chicago and New York by busing these immigrants there."

"Plus, there isn't any long term political benefit from moving these people out of Texas," the Secretary added. "These cities and the states they are being bused to are already bastions of Democrat supremacy. Texas, on the other hand, is currently governed by the enemies of democracy. By requiring future Democrat voters to remain in Texas we hope to oust these enemies and restore the Democratic Party supremacy that ruled this state from prior to the Civil War up until the 1980s. To help make this happen we have been giving each migrant family (which is defined as any adult accompanied by a child) a $2200 monthly stipend that will afford them enough money to survive until President Biden feels it is feasible to declare them United States citizens."

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott (R) called the "remain in Texas" plan "an attempt to foist the burdens of Biden's illegal immigration policies onto our state and the people of America. It is the federal government's constitutional responsibility to protect each state from invasion. Federal law provides for a process for legally immigrating to this country. Aiding and abetting persons to evade this process, as the Biden Administration has been doing, is a crime. Since the President won't allow Texas to send illegals back to Mexico we have been offering them transportation to the US cities that illegally are granting them sanctuary."

"May I just point out that the President is the supreme ruler of the United States," Mayorkas replied. "It is his option on whether to enforce or ignore existing immigration laws. Mr. Abbott is risking prosecution for seditious disobedience."

China's Global Civilization Initiative

President Xi Jinping says he sees this initiative as "a fuller realization of the ideals of Japan's ill-fated 'Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere.' Getting our continent out from under the boot heel of our white European overlords was the right objective, but its scope was too narrow and Japan was the wrong country to try to lead this development."

"Prosperity shouldn't be just for Asians," Xi asserted. "It should be for everyone. Since a majority of the global population is Asian, it should be Asians who lead the world to a universal prosperity. China is the strongest Asian power and has the might that Japan lacked in its failed attempt to bring about a broader prosperity in the 1940s. We have the biggest army and soon will have the largest arsenal of nuclear weapons. It is only natural that the world would turn to us for leadership."

"Part of our leadership will entail the replacement of the West's anarchic allegiance to individual rights with China's more socially responsible collective rights," Xi continued. "Our innovative 'social credit' system allows us to reward those who demonstrate the proper social behaviors with the maximum of permitted freedoms. At the same time, those who flout behavioral expectations can be punished by restricting their freedoms. We invite those nations of like mind to accept our protection. A world of mutual prosperity, peace, and stability await all under our wings."

US Secretary of State Anthony Blinken called Xi's remarks "inspiring. Rather than butting heads with China as former President Trump did and would have us do if he succeeds in overthrowing the duly elected President Biden, the benefits of cooperation and potential unification under a single global government are there for the taking. Look, with 77% of America's youth being unfit for military service it would be foolish for us to think we can successfully resist eventual incorporation into a Chinese superstate. On top of this, if we are true to our democratic belief in majority rule Xi should be president of the world. Amicable adherence to socially responsible collective rights for all will eliminate the horrors of war for humanity. I, for one, look forward playing my part in making this happen."

In related news, Blinken promised Ukraine that he will send them another billion dollars in aid--$300 million of that to help fight crime. "There is no point in paying to fend off the Russian invaders if local criminals are allowed to prey upon the law-abiding citizens," he said. "So many of the country's resources are invested in the war that the local police have been effectively 'de-funded.' This is the pathway to chaos that we hope to stem in Ukraine."

Archives to Withhold Evidence

House Oversight and Accountability Chairman James Comer's request for unrestricted access to documents containing evidence of potential abuse of his official duties by then-Vice President Biden from the National Archives and Records Administration (NARA) has been rebuffed by Archivist Colleen Shogan.

"It is NARA that must balance the issues of privacy vs. the public's right to know what its government officials are doing," Shogan said. "The very fact that VP Biden used aliases on some of his correspondence indicates a strong desire to preserve the privacy of communications between himself and his son on matters of business. It is my fear that full disclosure of these documents might violate the Bidens' Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination."

Comer called NARA's action on this matter "a misinterpretation of what the Fifth Amendment means. Under this amendment to the Constitution the accused may decline to give testimony that could incriminate himself. It does not bar the search for and use of the communications between the perpetrators of a crime from being used as evidence against the writers of those documents."

Shogan pointed out that "we are not required to accept Mr. Comer's interpretation of the meaning of the Fifth Amendment. President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton also used aliases in some of their correspondence while serving in office. Who knows why they were trying to conceal their actions from public scrutiny. For now, we are sticking with our interpretation of the meaning of the Fifth Amendment. Comer has the option of suing us in court. The fact that the court may not expeditiously resolve the dispute until after the statute of limitations has lapsed for any crimes committed by the correspondents in question could render the whole issue moot just like it has been for any crimes committed by President Obama and Secretary Clinton."

Some Recent Action on the Abortion Front

In Pennsylvania, Gov. Josh Shapiro (D) announced he is terminating the contract the state has had for 30 years with Real Alternatives, a nonprofit that supports pro-life counseling centers "because it doesn't represent our Party's values. In a world that is already overpopulated the last thing we need to do is support women who don't want to abort their babies."

In Ohio, Ohioans United for Reproductive Rights (OURR) is suing the Ohio Ballot Board for approving ballot language to "Issue 1" that says "if the amendment passes it would always allow an unborn child to be aborted at any stage of pregnancy, regardless of viability if, in the treating physician's determination, the abortion is necessary to protect the pregnant woman's life or health." OURR spokesperson Constance Slaughter said "the use of the phrase 'unborn child' will make more voters reluctant to vote 'yes.' We think using the phrase 'extracting the fetus' makes the procedure sound more like the simple medical treatment it really is."

Tom McClusky, Director of Government Affairs for CatholicVote countered OURR's objection by pointing out that "the truth of the matter is that science, as well as a majority of society and major religions, recognize that a pregnant woman is carrying an unborn child. To say anything else would be false advertising."

In Colorado, Gov. Jared Polis (D) was roundly criticized by members of his own Party for saying "Democrats don't believe that abortion is good. We believe it's bad. It should be safe, legal, and rare." State Rep. Lisa Cutter (D-Jefferson County) called Polis' remarks "deeply troubling. While former President Clinton originally coined the 'safe, legal, and rare' phrase it is no longer consistent with our position on the issue. Abortion is a necessary tool in the battle against overpopulation. Morality shouldn't be allowed to discourage women from having one."

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