IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 26, 2023 Edition

Feds Want to Control Auto Speeds

The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) wants to install Intelligent Speed Assistance (ISA) in all cars. NTSB chair Jennifer Homendy emphasized that "human error is the chief cause of almost all traffic crashes. The most common error is excessive speed. The weak link in our effort to eliminate this error is expecting drivers to heed posted speed limits. ISA would bypass this weak link."

"With ISA the vehicle's Global Positioning System (GPS) would coordinate with the posted speed limits," she explained. "Ideally, the ISA would absolutely control the vehicle's speed. Should this approach be deemed too intrusive, the ISA could simply record each instance of violation of the limit. Law-enforcement would have access to these records and impose fines or other penalties prescribed by law."

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg called the ISA "a foolproof option for saving lives. By making it impossible for any driver to successfully break the law we will also achieve more of the unity that President Biden has set as the main goal of his administration."

In related news, Buttigieg called Biden's poor polling numbers "an unfairly negative assessment of the President's policies. Too many people have forgotten the dismal state of America he inherited from Trump. First there was the pandemic. Trump's crude lockdown order devastated the economy. His recommendation of unorthodox and ineffective therapies for fighting covid allowed millions to die. Then there was the Trump instigated insurrection against the transfer of power to the man voters elected to replace him. It was President Biden who rescued the economy by adding trillions of dollars of new spending and saved lives by compelling millions to get vaccinations that Trump allowed people to decline. I'm confident that when it comes time to cast a ballot next year the polls we are seeing now will be proven wrong."

Whitmer Signs Radical Abortion Legislation

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-Mich) signed legislation legalizing partial birth abortion, removing all clinic licensing and inspections for cleanliness and safety, as well as the reporting of complications, and the patient's right to understand the procedure and its risks through informed consent.

Whitmer obdserved that "the protections for women's health and the reduction of unwanted increases in the human population we have achieved for our state stand in stark contrast to what has happened in states where the freedom to restrict abortion enabled by the Supreme Court's Dobbs decision has resulted in an increase of 32,000 live births over the past year. This means there will be 32,000 more individuals needing to be fed, cared for, and emitting carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Though our state has done our part, we will unjustly share the environmental degradation resulting from the irresponsible decisions of others."

Sue Liebel, State Affairs Director for Susan B. Anthony Pro-Life America, called the new Michigan laws "some of the most uncompassionate measures in state history. Partial-birth abortion involves partially delivering a baby and while they are still alive, crushing the baby's skull and vacuuming out the baby's brain. This late-term abortion method is an excruciating death for the baby and a traumatic experience for the mother that also poses health risks."

In related news, Tammy Murphy, wife of Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ), announced her candidacy for US Senator, saying "my top three issues are abortion, abortion, and abortion. People are the biggest threat to the survival of the planet. We don't need more of them. Abortion is the most efficient solution to this problem. Second, pregnancy, birth, and child care pose the biggest threat most women face to their health and freedom. Third, child care limits the role women can play in governing and lessens their more compassionate input to the nation's and world's problems."

"Trump More Dangerous than Hitler"

Current MSNBC talking head and former Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill questioned the premise that "Trump would be just as bad as Hitler was. I think Trump would be worse. Hitler had a very distinct and narrowly focused objective of ridding the world of Jews and imposing a global fascist government. These were limited goals."

"Trump, on the other hand, has no philosophy he believes in," she asserted. "All he cares about is selfish self-promotion. He has acquired a substantial following that is right here in America. Members of this following tried to forcibly overturn the outcome of the 2020 presidential election. Hitler could never have hoped to have that kind of power over us."

McCaskill brushed aside Trump's failure to establish a dictatorship while he was president, saying that "it was only by the heroic actions of the Democratic Party finding the votes needed to ensure Trump's defeat in the 2020 election that saved us from his evil plan. Going the extra mile to register people who never voted before, harvesting and filling out vote-by-mail ballots on behalf of those unable to fill them out, and working in the wee hours to count and recount votes until the election day leads of Trump in crucial states could be overcome thwarted him from seizing power."

She also pointed out that "over the past three years the number of guns owned by private citizens has risen to more than 500 million. Assuming that half of these guns are owned by MAGA extremists the threat of armed insurrection has reached severe levels. Our armed forces are out-numbered and out-gunned. Further, the public's loss of faith in the FBI and other federal agencies undermines the government's confidence that we can count on everyone to support efforts to suppress disobedient dissident elements. This makes Trump more dangerous than any external threat."

Rep. Dan Goldman (D-NY) concurred with McCaskill's arguments, saying "Trump's rhetoric is really getting dangerous, more and more dangerous. It is just unquestionable at this point that that man can't see public office again. He has to be eliminated."

January 6 Videos Debunk Insurrection Claim

House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La) has authorized the release of all 40,000 hours of security video footage taken at the Capitol on January 6, 2021. "My decision will provide millions of Americans, criminal defendants, public interest organizations, and the media an ability to see for themselves what happened that day," he said.

Rep. Troy Nehls (R-Tx) said "the videos I've seen so far directly contradicts the claim that what happened that day was an insurrection. These videos showing police escorting peaceful protesters walking through the Capitol were suppressed by the unbalanced January 6 committee assembled by former Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca)."

Rep. Mike Lee (R-Ut) said "some of these recently released videos showed plainclothes DC police officers urging rioters to climb over barricades and run into the Capitol building. Former DC Police Chief Robert Contee told the House Administration Subcommittee on Oversight that his department deployed nearly 1,500 officers. This information was concealed from the Capitol police and excluded from the evidence the Pelosi committee provided to the public."

Former Rep. Ron Paul (R-Tx) called the Pelosi January 6 committee "a kangaroo court designed to railroad nonviolent protesters of the highly irregular 2020 election balloting and vote counting procedures. The tapes released by the Pelosi committee were carefully chosen to show violent incidents. But a full release of all the tapes will demonstrate beyond a doubt that the endless propaganda that this was a coordinated attempt to overthrow the government is false."

Covid Policy Failures Confirmed

A study conducted at Bangor University found that people with "communal personalities" – who were more caring, sensitive and aware of others' needs – adhered the most rigorously to the lockdown protocols. These types of people displayed the highest levels of continuing disturbance to their mental wellbeing during the post-lockdown period. In contrast, people with "agentic personalities" – who are more independent, more competitive and like to have control over their lives – were less compliant with the lockdown protocols. These types of people have been able to bounce back better from lockdown mode.

In Scotland, disabled people were secretly given "do not resuscitate" orders. A spokesman for the National Health Service explained that "since medical resources are limited it is our duty to cull the weakest from the herd so that those more worthy of being saved aren't lost because resources were foolishly squandered on the less fit." Glasgow Disability Alliance chief executive Tressa Burke said "the notion that a person with a disability should be arbitrarily denied access to the same treatments given to others is unethical." Ironically, being denied access to ventilators may have saved many of the disabled from the extraordinarily high death rate experienced by the "fitter" persons who received this therapy.

Editors of the New York Times newspaper now admit that "the lengthy shutdown of public schools during the pandemic was the most damaging disruption in the history of American education. It set student progress in math and reading back by two decades and widened the achievement gap that separates poor and wealthy children. As a result, this generation of students will experience diminished lifetime earnings and become a significant drag on the economy. Students who grew accustomed to missing school during the pandemic continue to do so after the resumption of in-person classes. Millions of young people have joined the ranks of the chronically absent. More than 40% of high school students had persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness; 22% had seriously considered suicide; 10% reported that they had attempted suicide."

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) urges Americans to "Keep your holiday plans. Get vaccinated. Stay protected." This advice comes after studies have demonstrated that the covid vaccines do not prevent getting or spreading the disease and that those vaccinated are more likely to be hospitalized and die than those who have not been vaccinated.