IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 10, 2023 Edition

Hunter Biden Blames Trump

The indictment against Hunter Biden filed in the US Court for the Central District of California this week charges him with evading $1.4 million in taxes owed to the federal government for the years 2016 through 2019. Instead of paying his taxes during these years, he spent $683,000 on prostitutes, $397,000 on clothing, $309,000 on tuition, $237,000 on health & beauty products, $189,000 on porn, $72,000 on rehab, $24,000 on entertainment, $24,000 on sports, $237,000 on miscellaneous, and withdrew $1.6 million in cash from ATMs.

Hunter Biden blamed Donald Trump for his troubles, saying "Trump's Russian-aided theft of the 2016 presidential election from Hillary Clinton sent me into a spiral of depression and anger that distracted me from paying my taxes. Additionally, the idea of me helping to pay for the misgovernment of the country at the hands of this would-be dictator justified my civil disobedience against his tyranny."

House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer (R-Ky) called Hunter's tax evasion "the tip of the iceberg of an expansive scheme of influence-peddling carried out by the Biden family. In addition to the reported $8 million in income on which the $1.4 million in taxes were evaded, we have uncovered evidence of more than $24 million in income the Bidens received from foreigners seeking favors from the US government. These payments could be construed as the bribery explicitly cited in the Constitution as grounds for impeachment and removal from office of a president."

White House spokesman Ian Sams called talk of impeachment "sad, pathetic, and a waste of time. It takes a two-thirds majority of senators to convict and remove an impeached president from office. If we couldn't reach that threshold for the twice impeached Donald Trump--the most dangerous enemy of our democracy in the history of this country--there's no way that two-thirds of the senators will convict President Biden. Likewise, the prosecution of his son Hunter is also a waste of time and money. The President will pardon his son before he lets him go to prison for neglecting to pay his taxes. The federal resources being consumed in the futile pursuit of the President's son could've been more fruitfully deployed to take down the MAGA extremists who are aiding and abetting Trump's attempt to seize power by winning the 2024 election."

In related news, this week FBI Director Christopher Wray admitted to Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) that he "prevented publication of the fact that Hunter Biden's laptop was real, and not Russian disinformation as the Bureau had led the media to believe, because it could've influenced the 2020 election outcome. We didn't want a repeat of the effect of then FBI Director Comey's October 2016 admission that Secretary Hillary Clinton's mishandling of classified information was a crime had on that November's election of Donald Trump as president."

Imbalance in Hamas/Israel War

Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA) noted that "of the 17,000 Palestinians killed by Israel since the war began, two-thirds have been civilians. This is nearly ten times the 1,200 civilians killed by Hamas freedom fighters in their October 7 surprise attack. This kind of imbalance cannot be excused. It's time for a permanent ceasefire."

In the two months since Israel has struck back against Hamas, the media has amplified the collateral damage of their efforts to defeat the Hamas terror network. No effort has been made to put things in context. First of all, the Hamas attack of October 7 intentionally selected soft civilian targets--including the "strategic" rape and decapitation of women and children. The Israel Defense Forces (IDF) intentionally select armed militant targets. The Hamas militants intentionally use Gaza civilians as shields by placing their fighters and weapons inside of hospitals, schools, and civilian neighborhoods. This increases the civilian casualty toll.

The ratio of two civilians killed per enemy fighter killed by the IDF is atypically low by modern warfare standards. Former commander of British forces in Afghanistan Col. Richard Kemp points out that "the UN estimates that the civilian-to-combatant death ratio in conflicts since the Second World War averages nine to one. That is a shocking nine civilians killed for every combatant. The IDF has managed to achieve a historically low two-to-one death ratio despite the reality that Hamas fights from within the civilian population, uses human shields, and deliberately tries to force the IDF to kill as many of their civilians as possible. This is so the world turns on Israel and falsely condemns it for war crimes."

Meanwhile, US Secretary of State Anthony Blinken is demanding that "Israel wrap up its war by the end of this year. President Biden is facing a tough race to be reelected. Two key Democrat constituencies are Jewish and Muslim voters. Right now polls show he is losing the votes of both. A ceasefire followed by the establishment of a Palestinian state bracketing Israel on the east and west would help him regain the confidence of voters."

FBI Agents at Jan 6 Riot

Rep. Clay Higgins (R-La) says that "at least 200 FBI agents dressed as Trump supporters were in the crowd on January 6, 2021. The FBI's involvement was deep, not just on January 6, but on the days and weeks and months prior. There was no sign that they attempted to mitigate or defuse the situation. What was their objective?"

Former 3rd Special Forces Group soldier and US government contractor Jeffrey McKellop said he "was able to identify numerous government informants and agitators in the January 6 crowd. How do I know this? Because I used to do the same thing when I worked for the government."

Former US Capitol Police Lieutenant Tarik Johnson, who was present at the Capitol on January 6, 2021, says "the authorities on the ground were ill-prepared for what happened. I will be releasing audio recordings that could prove that the prevailing media narrative of a Trump inspired insurrection is false. It may have been a 'set-up' that the media and government are trying to cover-up."

Following these assertions, House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La) announced that "we have to blur some faces in the videos we are releasing of persons who participated in the events of that day because FBI Director Christopher Wray informs me that the Bureau's ability to conduct covert surveillance in the future could be compromised if agents' identities are exposed to the general public."

In related news, Wray warned Congress "against adding privacy protections for Americans into any renewal of the extensive surveillance powers granted to federal agents in Section 702 of the 2001 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which expires at the end of this year. In 2001, we thought our biggest threat came from foreign terrorists, but the rise of the virulently anti-democratic MAGA movement and widespread uncontrolled and uncensored use of the internet to foment dissent against government policies over the last few years shows that domestic enemies pose an even larger danger than jihadis."

Dictator Weeps Over Declining Birth Rate

This week, in a "Dear Mothers" address to the nation, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un begged Korean women to bear more children, saying "preventing a decline in birth rates and good childcare are all of our housekeeping duties we need to handle while working with mothers. These tasks include bringing up their children so that they will steadfastly carry forward our revolution, eliminating the recently-increasing non-socialist practices, promoting family harmony and social unity, establishing a sound way of cultural and moral life, making the communist virtues and traits of helping and leading one another forward prevail over our society." He went on to threaten "abdication or suicide if a depopulated country becomes unworthy of my rule."

Children of Liberals Have More Mental Health Problems

An Institute for Family Studies-Gallup report found that "conservative and very conservative parents are the most likely to adopt the parenting practices associated with adolescent mental health because they are able to effectively discipline their children, while also displaying affection and responding to their needs. In contrast, children of liberal parents score the lowest in terms of mental health largely because their parents are the least likely to successfully discipline their children."

Neither socioeconomic status nor race showed up as major factors in the mental health of children. The style of parenting and the quality of the relationship between parent and child were bigger factors among families of different races, incomes, and ethnicities in the United States. That is, there were no significant differences between demographic groups.

Universities Demonstrate Moral Confusion

At a hearing of the House Education and Workforce Committee Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY) grilled the presidents of Harvard, MIT and the University of Pennsylvania about students at their schools publicly calling for Jews to be killed. "Is this appropriate behavior?" she asked.

Penn President Liz Magill said "it depends on the context. First of all, there is the issue of freedom of speech. Under the US Constitution people are free to express their opinions. Second, there is the issue of freedom of religion. The Palestinian Authority tells its own people that killing Jews is for Allah. The repetition of this religious admonition by others is also a right guaranteed by the Constitution."

Harvard President Claudine Gay agreed with Magill "that actually killing Jews would be wrong, but merely advocating that they be killed is protected by the Constitution. At Harvard, it is only when advocacy crosses into conduct that we take action."

MIT President Sally Kornbluth said that "I understand that it might be unnerving for a Jew to hear mass protests calling for his murder. And while I don't personally agree that Jews ought to be killed, such language would only be investigated as possible harassment if it is pervasive and severe to the point that someone were actually killed."

Stefanik asked "what would be your university's reaction if a mob marched demanding that LTGBQs be killed?"

"You're comparing apples to oranges," Magill objected. "There has been a long history of Jews being singled out for discrimination, persecution, and murder, not only by street mobs, but by religious and government authorities. LGBTQs have only been a recognized group for a relatively short period of time. There is no historical basis for them to be hated like the Jews are." Both Gay and Kornbluth agreed that "it is not fair to compare LGBTQs and Jews."

Stefanik called these university presidents' remarks "appalling."

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) denounced the university presidents' responses and called for all three women to resign their posts.

Ross Stevens, founder and CEO of Stone Ridge Asset Management and Penn alum, cited "the University's permissive approach toward hate speech calling for violence against Jews and 'hands off' attitude toward harassment and discrimination against Jewish students" as the reason he is withdrawing his planned $100 million donation to the school. Magill then issued a statement saying "I have regretted the limitations of my testimony."

Gay apologized, saying "now that I realize my words amplified distress and pain, I don't know how you could feel anything but regret."

The executive committee at MIT issued a statement declaring Kornbluth had it's "full and unreserved support. She has done excellent work in leading our community, including addressing antisemitism, Islamophobia, and other forms of hate, all of which we reject utterly at MIT."

Sunny Hostin, one of the co-hosts on ABC's talk show The View, defended the university presidents by pointing out that "antisemitism and calls for genocide of the Jews don't break the law."

$86 Million for Fake Covid Test Kits

It turns out that the $86 million that the US Department of Health and Human Services paid to CorDx for COVID test kits may have been wasted. Genabio Diagnostics, a COVID testing manufacturer, filed a complaint with the FDA accusing CorDx of selling a counterfeit version of Genabio's antibody tests.

Secretary Xavier Becerra recommended that "we should not panic over the possibility that these counterfeit test kits will result in harm. Genuine test kits show high rates of false positives and false negatives as was demonstrated by Elon Musk taking four tests on the same day--two showing he did and two showing he did not have COVID. The silver lining is that we got the CorDx kits at a discount from the genuine test kits."