IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 4, 2024 Edition

Leftists Irked Over Trial Delay

News that Trump's "election interference" trial originally scheduled to start on March fourth has been taken off the calendar has some leftist "journalists" miffed. Politico reporters Kyle Cheney and Josh Gerstein complained that "this delay may result in Trump's conviction coming too late to ensure his defeat in the November voting." Similar complaints were expressed by MSNBC legal analyst Jordan Rubin and Columbia University law professor Daniel Richman.

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) tried to assuage their angst by pointing out "we anticipated this possibility and arranged for James Goldston, former president of ABC News, to create a documentary of the closed door hearings of the Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol. This show will air on PBS. This prime time exposé is better than an actual trial because all the extraneous commentary that is typically injected into trials by defense attorneys was excluded. Every member of the committee--including the two Republicans permitted to participate--knew Trump was guilty. The findings of this powerful and unanimous committee will be viewed by millions before the November election. While voters won't be able to send Trump to prison they will be able to defeat his attempt to seize power and destroy our democracy."

In related news, former agent Kyle Seraphin says that "the FBI believed that it had identified the person responsible for planting the 'bombs' found outside the Democrat National Committee and the Republican National Committee on January 6, 2021. Inasmuch as these bombs were the only tangible evidence of a planned act of violence I was surprised that I was barred from interviewing this person of interest." Steve D'Antuono, the former head of the FBI's Washington Field Office, explained "higher-ups decided that since there was no link to the MAGA extremists who were attacking the government this lead was not worth pursuing."

Portland Hassles Homeowners

The "woke" government of Portland, Oregon now requires homeowners to obtain city permits to remove trees that have fallen on their houses. Recently, a large tree felled by an ice storm crashed into Joel and Sarah Bonds' home. Fear of this very outcome led the couple to request permission to remove the tree in 2021. They were turned down because the city's Urban Forestry Division (UFD) ruled that cutting down this tree "would have a negative impact on the neighborhood's character."

Spokesman for the UFD Douglas Furr acknowledged that "the recent damage to the Bond's home is unfortunate, but we can't have people haphazardly cutting down the trees that make our city so beautiful. We have professional arborists who decide such things. Living with trees is a risk we have to take in Portland. Those who can't endure this risk shouldn't live here."

As for the tree embedded in the Bonds' house, Furr insisted "they still need a permit to remove it. If they can't wait to get one they may have to pay a fine if our arborists determine that the method they choose to extract the fallen tree has a negative impact on the neighborhood."

Willis Fired Whistleblower

Shortly after her election as Fulton County district attorney, Fani Willis met with Amanda Timpson, Director of Gang Prevention and Intervention, a position assigned to giving nonviolent juvenile offenders "alternatives to the juvenile court system." During this meeting Timpson told Willis that she had been demoted for attempting to stop Willis campaign aide Michael Cuffee from illegally spending federal grant money on swag, computers, and travel. Two months later Timpson was fired.

"When Willis was elected I had high hopes that she would improve the culture of the DA's office," Timpson said. "I wasn't just fired. I was escorted out of the building by seven armed guards. I have been humiliated and retaliated against for doing the right thing. I didn't anticipate that trying to protect my boss from scandal and advocate for the youth I was charged with working on behalf of would cost me my job."

Willis explained that "Ms. Timpson was a holdover from the prior administration. Rather than retain a person whose loyalties cannot be relied upon I preferred to have someone I can trust on my staff." The terse "holdover" rationale doesn't stand up to scrutiny. Timpson was selected after an interview by a nine-member panel. Willis later proclaimed that Timpson would "play a critical role of changing and rebranding the culture in the district attorney's office." It appears that Timpson's effort to change the corrupt culture showed that she couldn't be relied upon.

Biden Blames GOP for Border Crisis

President Biden insists that "it's the Republicans who are responsible for the mess at the border. They won't give me the money I need to hire the Border Patrol officers and judges to keep the flow moving. If I had the money all the migrants stuck in Texas could've been distributed to states that currently have a shortage and the crisis would be over."

House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La) disagreed, saying "there are already laws on the books authorizing the President to prevent the illegal entry through our borders. The crisis stems from the President's refusal to enforce these laws. What he's now demanding is that we fund his plan to ignore these laws so he can continue the flow of these invaders and send them to other states where they can become a burden to taxpayers there."

Gov. Ned Lamont (D-Conn) agreed with Johnson, saying "we don't need new legislation to solve the border crisis. I have offered to send Connecticut Guard troops to help secure the border, but Biden has rejected this offer. He believes that with the media's help he can blame Republicans for rejecting the Schumer-McConnell scheme to fund increased illegal immigration and the continuation of the war in Ukraine. He thinks it will be a winning campaign issue. I think the damage he is doing to the country is a losing issue for Democrats."

Data show that Texas' increased efforts to deter illegal immigration have been working. Illegal crossings have declined from more than 3,000 per day to 200 per day. Yet, the Biden Administration went to court to stop Texas from using razor wire to impede illegal immigration and has threatened to send federal troops to confront and subdue Texas Guard troops and police at the border.

Vice-President Kamala Harris defended the Administration's actions, saying "the notion that we can continue to keep these migrants out is a non-starter. We will never agree to that. What we need to do is expedite the process of granting them citizenship so their votes will help elect the Democrats who will continue to provide them with the financial sustenance they need to live. Remember, they are coming here because life in their native countries is too hard. Republicans are selfishly opposed to sharing our wealth with these refugees. The only way to to achieve a fairer distribution of wealth is by removing the Republicans from any positions of power or influence they hold."

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) sided with Biden and Harris. "It's Johnson and the House Republicans that are preventing the compromise Sen. Schumer and I worked out," he said. "We have to give the President the money he wants to ease the backlog of migrants being shipped to the other red states so Democrats will vote for the additional funds needed to support Ukraine in its war with Russia."

Trump asserted that "McConnell's so-called compromise is a disaster for the American people. Forcing taxpayers to pay more to aid these invaders from the south and to finance an unnecessary war doesn't benefit the citizens of this country. It further exploits them for purposes they don't agree with. Voters will punish the Republican Party at the polls for McConnell's betrayal."

"Squad" Members Behaving Badly

Members of the progressive "Squad" comprised of far left Democrats in Congress were in the news this week. Reps. Cori Bush (D-Mo) and Rashida Tlaib (D-Mi) were the only two members of the House of Representatives to vote against the No Immigration Benefits for Hamas Terrorists Act. This legislation bars anyone who participated in the October 7 murder spree of Israeli civilians from immigrating to the United States.

Tlaib defended her vote, saying that "the perpetrators of the October attack are precisely the persons targeted by the Israeli Defense Forces for extermination. If we don't give them refuge their chances of surviving the Israeli manhunt are slim. They are the very wretched refuse that our Statue of Liberty promises to given haven to. The No Immigration Benefits for Hamas Terrorists Act dishonors this promise."

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Mn) told members of the Somali community in Minnesota that "we are Somalis first and Muslims second. I am our country's representative inside the American government. I have let President Hassan Sheikh know that he can count on me to represent our country's interests both through my votes in Congress and my influence with President Biden."

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga) questioned "the propriety of a member of Congress representing the interests of a foreign government. We take an oath to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies. It strikes me that her assertion that she is Somali first contradicts this oath."

Rep. Cori Bush (D-Mo) is facing allegations that she inappropriately used $62,000 in campaign funds to pay her paramour Cortney Merritts for personal security (Merritts is now her husband). She called the allegations "frivolous. Everyone knows that while crime has been getting worse over the past few years the police offer very little in the way of protection against assault, rape, and murder. As they say, when seconds count, the police are only minutes away. I'm too important a person to have to settle for calling 911. Besides, the amount I paid Cortney is tiny compared to the $600,000 Fani Willis paid her man for less valuable work."

Ironically, the ineffectiveness of police protection may have been aggravated by her own support of the defund the police demands following the death of George Floyd while in police custody in 2020. At that time she told people who couldn't afford to hire their own security to "suck it up. Defunding the police has to happen. We need to defund the police and put that money into social safety nets because we're trying to save lives."

The House of Representatives passed a bill authorizing the deportation of illegal immigrants arrested for drunk driving. The vote tally was 274 in favor and 150 opposed. Every Republican voted for the bill. All the no votes came from Democrats. Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) explained her no vote, saying "I see no reason why migrants should be treated so harshly. Passage of this measure contradicts the President's desire to welcome as many new future citizens to America as possible. They will be important allies in our fight against the enemies of democracy."

COVID Vaccine: More Harm than Help

A newly published research paper "COVID-19 mRNA Vaccines: Lessons Learned from the Registrational Trials and Global Vaccination Campaign" in the Cureus Journal of Medical Science debunks virtually everything that Dr. Anthony Fauci, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and World Health Organization (WHO) maintained concerning the safety and effectiveness of these vaccines.

The authors wrote "evaluation of the Pfizer trial data showed that their vaccine induced significant increases in serious adverse events (SAEs) in the vaccine group compared to the placebo group. These SAEs including death, cancer, cardiac events, and various autoimmune, hematological, reproductive, and neurological disorders. The vaccine did not undergo the safety and toxicological testing required by established scientific standards."

They added "there was insufficient support for recommending the widespread use of this vaccine to the general public. The high harm to benefit ratio contradicts the CDC's advocacy for repeated booster shots of this vaccine. The medical experts who wrote this analysis urge that a global moratorium on further injections of this mRNA product until all relevant questions pertaining to causality, residual DNA, and aberrant protein production are answered."

Dr. Fauci dismissed the findings of this research saying "these authors have no standing to challenge the science as laid out by myself and the recognized health authorities like the FDA, CDC, and WHO. They aren't supported by any government. They have no public funding. They have no media backing. People who want to stay healthy are advised to obey the instructions they are given by recognized authorities and not follow the siren songs of disgruntled dissidents and vaccine deniers."