IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 9, 2024 Edition

Military Urged to Prevent Trump's Election

This week, MSNBC's Donny Deutsch called for the US military "to intervene to prevent Trump's election this November. With polls showing that voters are becoming even more favorable toward Trump after his historic, first ever, felony conviction of a former president the situation couldn't be more dire. We need the brave leaders of our nation's elite armed forces to publicly urge voters to opt for reelecting President Biden."

Deutsch contrasted "the noble service rendered by Biden heroically driving a tank in the Vietnam War to Donald Trump's 'medical exemption' from active duty. On the one hand, we have a man whose uncle was eaten by cannibals after his plane was shot down over New Guinea in WW II. On the other, is Trump who has lived a life of wealth and privilege never having to scrounge for money from foreign benefactors like the working class Bidens have had to do."

"Let me be clear," Deutsch said, "I'm not calling for a coup d'état as such. I'm calling for the kind of campaign statement that the intelligence agencies made to discredit Hunter Biden's laptop prior to the 2020 election. If guys like Gen. John Kelly, Gen. James Mattis, Gen. H.R. McMaster and Gen. Mark Milley would tell voters that it is their patriotic duty to reelect Biden I think it could tip the scales in his favor and save democracy."

In related news, retired Admiral William McRaven contends that "those who criticize the government are undermining America. The so-called 'swamp' and 'deep state' that Trump regularly attacks are the institutions that have protected this nation from disruptive outsiders for the last 80 years. I'm not saying we can't have political disagreements, but there have to be some boundaries that cannot be breached--kind of like those bumpers they put on bowling lanes so kids' balls don't veer into the gutter. Responsible politicians like Sen. Charles Schumer and Sen. Mitch McConnell respect these boundaries. Trump does not. He must not be allowed to takeover the presidency."

Senator Calls Opponent "Shady"

Facing the toughest election since his first win in 2006, Sen. Jon Tester (D-Mt) is investing $640,000 in an ad campaign aimed at convincing voters that his Republican opponent Tim Sheehy "will be a puppet for shady special interests. He's taking thousands of dollars from special interests. He won't be an independent voice for the common people of our state like I am."

Ironically, lobbyists have donated more than $458,000 to Tester in the last two years making him the biggest Congressional recipient of lobbyist cash over for the time span. Tester was also the intended beneficiary of $6 million in campaign donations spent by Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) in an unsuccessful effort to help Sheehy's primary opponent.

Tester rebuffed charges of hypocrisy, insisting that "my 18 years of experience has demonstrated that I know how to remain uninfluenced by the millions lobbyists have donated to me trying to buy my vote. Sheehy is a total rookie by comparison. As a case in point, I just introduced a balanced budget constitutional amendment."

Sheehy observed "a guy who has spent nearly 18 years in the Senate, during which time he has voted against a balanced budget amendment eight times, does not seem to be a very reliable champion of the taxpayers' desire for an efficient government. Actions speak louder than words. Tester's actions mark him as an advocate of big government and big deficits."

Hiding Covid Crimes

As viewers of the long-running Law & Order TV show have learned, intentionally trying to conceal a crime shows "knowledge of guilt." A person not intending to do wrong does not go to elaborate efforts to hide what he is doing. This was not the case with Dr. Anthony Fauci and his National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) associates in the events leading up to and during the covid pandemic. A slew of emails among these miscreants contain typos explicitly intended to thwart computer searches of these emails.

This week in Congressional testimony, Scripps Research Institute immunologist Kristian Andersen testified that "Dr. Fauci encouraged me to misspell words and names in order to obscure what was going on. For example, he said spelling my name as Ander$en would prevent simple computer searches from flagging my work."

Dr. David Morens, senior advisor to Fauci at NIAID admitted "between the typos and the use of unauthorized emails, Dr. Fauci was confident that we could keep what we were doing away from prying eyes."

Fauci himself remains adamant that "the misspellings are easily explained as simple slips of the fingers on the keyboard. People can suspect, but they can never prove that we tried to hide anything. Clumsy typing gives us the 'reasonable doubt' we need to escape punishment for anything we did."

Another escape clause used by Fauci in his testimony is ignorance. This included his claims that "I had no knowledge that funds we provided were used for gain-of-function research" and "I don't know where the six-foot social distancing idea came from."

Fauci justified the use of fear during the pandemic, saying "we were faced with a potentially devastating loss of life. If I had been all 'reasonable' and 'scientific' people would have resisted the measures we all thought were needed to save lives. They wouldn't have stayed home. They wouldn't have shut down their businesses. They wouldn't have gotten the jabs. We had to figure out ways of making it difficult to live--to get medical treatment, travel, go to school, hold a job--without proving you had been vaccinated. Even with all of our efforts, 20% of the population never were vaccinated. These hold-outs were responsible for an estimated additional 200,000 to 300,000 covid deaths."

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga) rejected Fauci's claims, saying "you backed the lockdowns, forced vaccinations, kids being forced to stay home, people committing suicide, and all the horrors that this country lived through during Covid. You should be prosecuted for crimes against humanity."

Rep. Debbie Dingell (D-Mi) argued that "attacking Dr. Fauci endangers all Americans. People need to trust their public health experts. Who knows what kinds of sacrifices may have to be imposed on the population when the next pandemic strikes? We want people to do as they're told for the good of society. We don't want them refusing out of some selfish notion that their own personal well-being takes priority over what the government determines suits the collective good of the whole."

In related news, Kazuhiro Haraguchi, the former Japanese Minister for Internal Affairs, apologized for his nation's covid policies, saying "those who refused vaccination were right. The ban on ivermectin was wrong. This effective and inexpensive treatment was banned in order to push more people to get the experimental mRNA injections that have and still are killing millions of those who received them."

Dems See Benefits of Trump's Conviction

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) went on NBC's Meet the Press to say that "Trump's conviction validates the American judicial system. Here we have a person of immense wealth and privilege brought down by a jury of ordinary folks. Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg ran for his office on a promise to put Trump behind bars. He was elected and has delivered on that promise. This is a potent warning to all the enemies of our democracy that they will pay a price for defying the power of the people voters put in office."

Bragg urged Judge Juan Merchan to reject a motion from Trump's attorneys to lift the gag order now that the trial is over saying "the premise that it will ever be safe to allow Trump's rhetoric to continue to poison the minds of Americans is absurd. The major objective of the trial and the ensuing punishment is to save our democracy by incapacitating its greatest enemy. We will have failed to accomplish this if Trump is free to utter his opposition to everything that is good and decent from his prison cell. To protect the public from a felon's continuing predation they must lose their civil rights to vote, to speak, and to be heard."

Rep Adam Schiff (D-CA) went on CNN's State of the Union to urge Judge Merchan "to continue the gag order as part of Trump's sentence. He is a dangerous demagogue that must be silenced for the good of the country. He must not be allowed access to any outsiders while he serves his time behind bars. He must not be allowed to inflame opposition to the legitimate government. Ideally, he would be held at an undisclosed secure facility without access to any visitors for the duration of his sentence. This would allow people to get used to him not being around. That way, by the time he is released--assuming that he outlives the term of his sentence--he will have been long forgotten by the dupes he has mesmerized for the last decade."

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) hailed the conviction of Trump, calling it "a good start. There are more trials and convictions in the queue for this domestic terrorist mastermind. But we mustn't be satisfied with taking only one scalp. He has dozens of henchmen and millions of followers. We must pursue and punish as many of these enemies as we can if we are to ensure that the threat is thoroughly eradicated. Great leaders like President Biden and Vice-President Harris must be allowed to carry out their important work without the interference of the unworthy opposition of the MAGA minions."

Live Interviews of Trump Condemned

Political director of ABC News George Stephanopoulos characterized live TV interviews of former President Donald Trump as "journalistic malpractice. You are allowing Trump's words to flow directly to the TV viewer. There is no opportunity to selectively edit the content in order to ensure that the correct message is conveyed."

"We are within a few months of an election that could overturn of our hard won victory over Trump in the 2020 election," the former Clinton apologist pointed out. "It is essential that we control the narrative. We can't do that if viewers can see and hear Trump for themselves without us providing the proper context."

"We imagine that we can craft 'gotcha' questions that will make Trump look like a fool, but the guy is a wild card who could easily spoil what we're trying to accomplish," Stephanopoulos warned. "Remember, the majority of the people who watch TV are not college educated. They don't have the same kind of doctrinal purity that we see in college students taught by the Marxist professors at our elite universities. They won't know that everything Trump says is a lie. So, for the love of God, we've got to insist on taped interviews."

Trump responded to Stephanopoulos' comments, calling them "conclusive proof that ABC and the others who mimic the same line are purveyors of fake news. Live is best because it is unfiltered and untainted by leftist manipulation. Media hacks like Stephanopoulos are propagandists for the Democrats. Covering up their policy disasters and slandering anyone who calls attention to those disasters. As each day passes more and more Americans become aware of the reality that the Democrats are destroying our great country. If we can have an honest election--something that the Democrats are working hard to prevent--voters will choose the path to a more prosperous and freer future that our MAGA movement is working to restore to our country."

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