SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, April 27, 2014 Edition
Administration Exploring Options for Curbing Anti-Muslim Hate Speech
The U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Tennessee, Bill Killian, says “the Administration is looking into ways we can curb anti-Muslim hate speech. Such speech violates Muslims' Constitutional right to freely exercise their religion. It is our duty to protect this right.”
Killian acknowledged that “there are some tricky and delicate issues here. Some believe that freedom of speech gives them the right to make remarks critical of or disparaging toward Islam. On the other hand, Islam commands its faithful to fight against, subdue, and slay those who insult their beliefs. The only way we can see to head off potential violent confrontations is to interdict the insults through official prohibitions.”
“Muslim beliefs are different from those of Christians and Jews,” Killian explained. “Jesus bade his followers to 'turn the other cheek' toward those who harm or offend them. And Jews have a long history of suffering under discriminatory laws and pogroms without violently responding to these oppressions. So, while there is clearly no need for the Government to intervene against anti-Christian or anti-Jewish speech the same cannot be said in regard to anti-Muslim speech.”
“If we can persuade Muslims that the Government will impose satisfactory sanctions against persons who insult their religion there will be no need for them to take matters into their own hands,” Killian argued. “They will see that Government is up to the task of protecting their faith and that they won't have to take up arms to defend it. It's simply a matter of maintaining both the Constitutional right of Muslims to practice their religion and our Constitutional obligation to secure domestic tranquility.”
Alabama Democrat Welches on Offer
Alabama State Representative Alvin Holmes (D-Montgomery) resumed his accusations that 99% of white people are racists. Previously he had asserted that “even so-called pro-life whites would want their daughters to have abortions if they were impregnated by Black men.”
His latest claim is that “white people are intolerant of Black children and would never adopt a Black child.” Holmes even went so far as to offer $100,000 “to anyone who could show him a whole bunch of whites that have adopted Blacks in Alabama.”
When dozens of white parents who have adopted Black children showed up to disprove his claim, Holmes remained unfazed. “Who says that dozens represent a whole bunch?” Holmes defiantly asked. “And how are we to know that these parents who appear to be white are, in fact, authentically white? Many people who have Black ancestry have passed for white. Without DNA testing these so-called white parents can't prove they aren't really Black under the skin. So I'm keeping my money.”
Bundy's Speculations Further Enrage Senator Reid
The Nevada rancher currently embroiled in a dispute with the Bureau of Land Management over cattle grazing fees drove Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) into a rage when he ventured to suggest that Government welfare programs may have done more harm than good to minorities.
“In addition to impeding the development of land for solar power production, Bundy has revealed his true anti-Government animus by bad-mouthing a vital Government program,” Reid complained. “For him to imply that a life style of crime, abortion and unwed motherhood could in any way be facilitated by the financial assistance provided to minorities by the Government is a vicious slander.”
The Senator added that “Bundy is extremely fortunate that he was not shot down like the dog he is for the provocations he instigated against duly authorized Government officials sent to confiscate his cattle. His statements since that time can only increase the chances that this may yet be his fate. I suspect that something may happen in the not too distant future. At least I surely hope so.”
IRS Says Difference in Treatment Is Economically, Not Politically, Motivated
IRS Commissioner John Koskinen insisted that differences in the way two organizations were treated by his Agency were not politically motivated. The conservative-oriented Patrick Henry Center for Individual Liberty was penalized by having its tax-free status revoked. In contrast, Media Matters, a liberal organization funded by billionaire George Soros has not been penalized for its partisan activity.
“The key distinction we made was based on the potential economic impact we could expect from the demise of each of these organizations in response to any action we might take,” Koskinen said. “On the one hand, the Patrick Henry Center is a vanishingly small operation. Its closure would have minimal repercussions for the economy. On the other hand, Media Matters is a veritable behemoth. Its closure would cost hundreds of jobs and negatively affect scores of Government office holders who depend on it.”
“I realize that it could appear unfair to treat a small operation differently from a big one,” Koskinen admitted. “However, we can't afford to be indifferent to the foreseeable ripple effects on the economy from whatever enforcement action we take. In simple terms, Media Matters is in the category of 'too big to fail.' Our nation's economy is already in too desperate a shape to have to endure a blow to this large of an employer.”
More Duplicate Voter Registrations Found
A month ago an audit of voter registration rolls in North Carolina found 150,000 duplicates in other states and 35,000 duplicate ballots cast by these registrants. This week it was disclosed that 44,000 persons are registered to vote in both Virginia and Maryland.
While only 164 of these voters were confirmed to have cast ballots in both states during the 2012 November election, the continued insistence by Democrats that this type of vote fraud isn't worthy of further investigation is not reassuring.
US Attorney General Eric Holder maintained his stance that “this is much ado about nothing. The election of 2012 was decided by far more than 164 votes. Felonious or not, none of these illegally cast ballots could have changed the outcome. The notion that we should invest resources prosecuting these overly zealous voters strikes me as an unwarranted modern day witch hunt unworthy of a truly enlightened civilization.”
Vets Die While on Secret Wait List
This week it was revealed that at least 40 veterans died while waiting to see doctors in the Phoenix Veterans Affairs Health Care system. The 40 were part of over 1,000 sick vets forced to wait months to get an appointment for treatment. This occurred despite rules setting 30 days as the maximum wait time.
Newly appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Mathews Burwell characterized the deaths as “unfortunate, but perhaps unavoidable. Let's not forget that the vast majority of those who died were old men. Old men die. No matter what kind of medical treatment they might receive or not receive that's still going to happen. The bigger question is how much of society's resources can we justify being expended to defer the inevitable? Wouldn't using these same resources to care for people with more useful years of life ahead of them make more sense from a collective well-being perspective?”
In related news, First Lady Michelle Obama justified her pricy world travels by declaring that “splurging is the key to life. When you have the opportunity to do something interesting or exciting you should grab it.” In the last year the First Lady has grabbed over $20 million from taxpayers for trips to Dublin, Africa, and Hawaii. She also has a retinue of 26 personal servants consuming a total of $1.7 million a year to tend to her every need.
Clinton's Apparent Lack of Accomplishments at State Misleading
The fact that neither Hillary Clinton nor State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki can name a single significant achievement of her tenure as Secretary of State may not be as devastating as it first appears.
“First of all, Secretary Clinton is a very modest person,” Psaki claimed. “It's really hard for her to toot her own horn. So, there could be lots of things she's done, but doesn't want to boast about.”
Psaki defended her own reluctance to enumerate even a small number of the former Secretary's accomplishments as “a tribute to Mrs. Clinton's self-effacing personality and for reasons of national security. A lot of what she did has to remain classified. I'm sure there's a lot of good stuff there, but I'm not at liberty to divulge what it is right now. Maybe when the files are declassified 50 years from now everyone will be able to appreciate the magnificent job she did for America and the world.”
Sotomayor Assails Court Decision
This week the US Supreme Court ruled 6-2 that voters in Michigan have the authority to outlaw racial discrimination in State University admissions. Justice Sonia Sotomayor castigated this decision calling it “a return to the Jim Crow era.”
“It is simplistic thinking that discrimination can be ended just by ending it,” the Justice wrote. “It may take centuries of counterbalancing discrimination to even the scales of justice. The idea of letting people vote to end discrimination and negate decisions made by University experts elevates mob rule over reasoned judgment.”