SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, June 8, 2014 Edition
President Calls Return of Bergdahl a "Mission of Mercy"
President Obama continued to insist that Sgt Bergdahl's health was a major factor in his decision to negotiate the exchange with the Taliban.
"On the videos I saw he looked sick," the President said. "And based on what I've been reading in the newspapers the waiting time for medical treatment for veterans is dangerously long. As it is, veterans already in this country have to wait months, possibly years, to receive critically needed care. I felt it was crucial for me to get Bergdahl back as soon as possible so he could take his place on this lengthy queue."
The President denied that the price paid for Bergdahl's release might've been too high. "There's an old Chinese saying that it is better than a hundred guilty men go free than that one innocent man suffer," Obama recalled. "I only let five guilty men go free, so we really got quite a bargain."
Obama discounted the possibility that the five Gitmo prisoners he released would soon rejoin their jihad against the United States. "While it is, of course, possible that they may resume their terrorist attacks, I for one, wouldn't bet on it," the President declared. "Under the terms of the agreement for their release we are paying for all their expenses for an indefinite period at a five-star hotel in Qatar. If it were me there'd be no way I'd give up those kinds of perks to go into the desert or mountains to fight well-armed US troops. I mean, unlimited golf, satellite TV, fine dining vs. dodging bullets and drones. Come on, it's a no brainer."
Whether the President's assessment of the odds is something to count on is dubious, though. According to a study by the RAND Corporation there has been more than a 50% increase in the number of jihadi groups and the number of jihadi fighters has tripled since Obama became President.
California Dems Aim to Pave Way for Illegal Alien Welfare Benefits
In 1994 California voters approved a ballot measure that blocks illegal aliens from receiving welfare benefits. Now State Senator Kevin de Leon (D-Los Angeles) has introduced a Senate Bill (396) that would overturn the 1994 vote and make these undocumented residents eligible for publicly-funded aid.
"These people are the poorest of the poor," de Leon said. "They came to this country to escape the poverty of their native lands. It is inhumane for us to deny them relief at the end of their arduous treks."
The Senator dismissed concerns that the State budget was already too strained to bear the cost of adding millions of new clients to its swollen welfare rolls. "Globally, we are a wealthy nation," de Leon countered. "The extra taxes we are asking Californians to pay are a small price in the quest for universal social justice."
Part of this quest for social justice "includes paying these immigrants for bearing the children American citizens are unwilling to produce," de Leon explained. "Fertility rates among natural born citizens are below replacement level. Unless we are prepared to see our population shrink we need to subsidize those who are willing to reproduce. It's as simple as that."
De Leon brushed aside reports that undocumented immigrants may be contributing to a resurgence of communicable diseases. "Thanks to President Obama's Affordable Care Act everyone, regardless of means, will be covered," de Leon asserted. "In any case, I'm sure that the net gain from immigration will easily exceed any increase in mortality from these diseases."
Rice Defends "Honor and Distinction" Remarks
As news emerges that newly repatriated Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl may have been a deserter and collaborator with the Taliban, President Barack Obama's national security adviser Susan Rice 's comment that Bergdahl had served with "honor and distinction" has come under fire.
Undaunted by these unfavorable revelations, Rice insisted that her initial assessment still stands. "President Obama honored Sgt Bergdahl in his Rose Garden statement," Rice pointed out. "You can't ask for a higher honor than one bestowed by the President of the United States. And as for distinction, Bergdahl is now the most famous soldier to have served in Afghanistan. You can't get any more distinct than that."
Rice argued that "those who are lending credence to reports from Bergdahl's former platoon mates are putting the veracity of common troops ahead of the Commander-in-Chief of the entire armed forces of the United States. Surely, the very limited perspective of these men gives them a truncated and distorted view when compared to the vastly broader and more well-informed perspective of the President."
Deputy Assistant Secretary for Public Affairs at the U.S. Dept. of Housing and Urban Development, Brandon Friedman sought to back up Rice's position by suggesting that these platoon mates "might be psychopaths. After all, a soldier's job is to kill people. Anyone who would volunteer for such an occupation has got to raise red flags about his mental health. Why should we listen to them when we have the option of trusting the President?"
In related news, Noorullah Noori, one of the five Taliban terrorists released in exchange for Bergdahl says he is "eager to rejoin the fight against the American invaders" and remained optimistic that "I will get a shot at killing more of them before they are all withdrawn."
Quebec Approves Bill Legalizing Euthanasia
The Québec National Assembly voted 94-22 to approve the so-called "dying with dignity" act. Under the provisions of this legislation any patient may request and will be granted euthanasia regardless of medical condition. Véronique Hivon, Minister for Social Services and Youth Protection, enthusiastically boasted that "we have done away with the notion that a person must be terminally ill before a merciful death can be prescribed. Now anyone who wants to end his life can simply order up the procedure."
Alex Schadenberg, executive director of the Euthanasia Prevention Coalition characterized the legislation as "a dangerous step down the path to state-ordered killings. Prior to this legalization of killing, patients already face the risk of hospital error. It is one thing to mistakenly be given a medication intended to cure. It is quite another to mistakenly be given a drug intended to kill. A new source of anxiety has been added to one's hospital stay."
Hivon pooh-poohed the chances of the wrong patient being terminated as "incredibly small. One's risk of being killed in a traffic crash are far larger. Besides, it's not as if any potential miscue would be likely to strike down a perfectly healthy person. Those in the hospital are there because they aren't fully healthy. So even if a person were erroneously put down it would presumably be from an already debilitated condition."
Schadenberg was not reassured. "The casual dismissal of fears that errors could be made degrades the sanctity of human life. A life that may not matter much to the state may be precious to its owner and his loved ones. The notion that the population should be culled of the ill, the weak, the inconvenient, or the disobedient is fed by this monstrous turn toward human sacrifice."
Senator Demands Investigation of Latest Koch Brothers Donation
News that the billionaire Koch brothers have donated $25 million to the United Negro College Fund spurred Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) to demand an investigation.
"In the midst of a raft of phony scandals the GOP has been trying to cook up on the IRS, Benghazi, and now the terrorists traded for a POW, we see that the two most dangerous men in America are extending their tentacles into yet another sector of society," Reid complained. "I, for one, find this latest development frightening. What sinister plan are they trying to implement?"
Reid contrasted "the very live threat represented by the Koch brothers" with what he characterized as "the dead issue of Benghazi where we see the House Republicans ginning up a completely unnecessary rehash of the events on a night long past. The people who died on that night can't be revived, but the people who's minds will be polluted under the guise of so-called philanthropy by the Kochs can still be saved."
The Senator expressed some frustration with "the lack of support from my colleagues in the Senate" and some envy of President Obama "who can with the stroke of a pen order whatever he wants done to be done."
"You'd think the IRS or the NSA would've already been all over the Kochs," Reid speculated. "With all the data they've been gathering the NSA must by now have come across some errant comment or unseemly behavior by one of these guys. And even if there's nothing concrete the threat of an IRS audit alone could've been used to bring these two into line."
President's Speech Commemorates D-Day Anniversary
On the 70th anniversary of D-Day, President Obama commended "the brave sacrifice of those who stormed ashore that day," but advised that "we must temper our admiration by the realization that the combat units involved were not racially integrated, no women were among the ranks, gays were still in-the-closet, and transgenders were not yet accorded full social acceptability they deserve."
Obama congratulated himself "for having the fortitude and initiative to move forward on these critical fronts so that we can finally glimpse the goal that the men who died here 70 years ago gave their lives to help secure."