SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, November 9, 2014 Edition
President Ready to Use Executive Action for Amnesty
Though he did leave open the option of signing an amnesty bill passed by Congress, President Obama vowed to "go it alone if they don't give me what I want."
New York politicians Senator Charles Schmer (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) endorsed using a Presidential Executive Order to accomplish immigration reform. "Even if a GOP controlled Congress were to pass an immigration reform bill it is bound to be cluttered with unessential, un-American add-ons like enhanced border security, deportation of criminals and the like," Schumer warned. "These types of restrictions tarnish America as a beacon of freedom."
Echoing Senator Schumer, Mayor de Blasio insisted that "America must never shut itself off from people seeking a better life. Republican efforts to try to sort out the so-called worthy from those likely to become public charges is fundamentally inhumane. What society on the planet is more able to afford the burdens of sustaining the indigent, distressed, and demoralized human beings of the world?"
Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied that the recently completed election answered Obama's taunt last year that "if you don't like my policies, go out and win an election." "Tuesday's election results don't meet what we consider the minimum threshold for overturning Administration policy on any issue," Earnest defiantly declared. "They don't change anything. As the President has pointed out, two-thirds of registered voters didn't vote. Their silence can be taken as strong evidence of their satisfaction with the way things are going. They had every opportunity to go out and vote against the President's policies, but they didn't. We're pretty confident that this is a solid mandate to stay the course for the President's agenda."
"Let's also not forget that the US Government is the most important organization on Earth," Earnest added. "That makes President Obama, as the ruler of America, the most important person on Earth. He has a duty to act for the benefit of all mankind and cannot let a disagreeable Congress impede his fulfillment of this duty."
In related news, Attorney General Eric Holder defended his practice of calling political opponents "idiots." "If we act all polite it conveys a message of possible legitimacy to their point of view," Holder said. "That's the exact opposite of what we're trying to achieve. In contrast, an idiot's point of view has no legitimacy. It merits no consideration. It shouldn't even be aired much less listened to."
Landrieu off to Bad Start in Louisiana Runoff Election
Incumbent Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) got off to a bad start in her desperate bid to hold onto her seat. In an attempt to characterize her Republican opponent Bill Cassidy as "unreliable" and "undependable," Landrieu demanded to know what he had done to help the state recover from 2005's Hurricane Katrina.
Cassidy, an MD, responded that he had been working to provide medical aid to refugees of the storm. With help from friends and neighbors he and his physicians' group set up an emergency treatment center in an abandoned K-Mart.
Landrieu shruugged this off as "small potatoes. While my opponent was treating a handful of individual victims I was addressing the bigger problem—the incompetence of the Bush Administration. I might not have directly saved anyone's life at that time, but I helped lay the groundwork for Democrats to take control of both Houses of Congress in the 2006 elections. Without this majority, President Obama's Affordable Care Act would never have passed in 2010."
Joel DiGrado, Cassidy for Senate campaign manager, thanked Landrieu "for clarifying the distinction between the two candidates. It could hardly be more clear that Bill Cassidy is a man of action and a person with a heart. He saw a need and took steps to meet it. In contrast, Landrieu touts her political hectoring of former President Bush and her role in paving the way for Obamacare. It will now be up to voters to decide which of these approaches to problem solving they'd like to see from their state's Senator."
City Seizes Art Studio
The Philadelphia Redevelopment Authority (PRA) has received court approval of its seizure of the art studio of James Dupree. It plans to bulldoze it and sell the land to a private grocery chain. Despite renovating a dilapidated warehouse and converting it into an attractive and bustling center for artistic expression, Dupree's property rights are being sacrificed to the PRA's vision of what the City needs.
"It's a question of whether the rights of the collective community should take precedence over the rights of a single individual," PRA Executive Director Ed Covington explained. "Far more people will eat the food sold at the proposed supermarket than will ever see the works of art produced or displayed at Mr. Dupree's studio. Social justice commands that the benefit of the greater number takes precedence over the rights of one man."
Covington dismissed the possibility that the supermarket could be built at another location. "I suppose that if we were to search hard enough we might find such a place, but it might not be as conveniently located," he said. "Should we really undermine the convenience of thousands of shoppers in the name of the abstract property rights of a single individual?"
IRS Admits It Didn't Really Look for Lois Lerner's "Lost" Emails
IRS Commissioner John Koskinen admitted that it didn't exercise much effort to track down emails cited in an investigation of IRS abuses involving harassment of conservative political organizations.
"Look, we were between a rock and a hard place," Koskinen contended. "On the one hand, we have Congress and the Courts demanding we produce these documents. On the other hand, some very powerful and dangerous people were very determined that these documents never be found."
"If we defy Congress and the Courts the worst case scenario is we get held in contempt," Koskinen pointed out. "It's embarrassing. We look like crooks to the average American. But if we defy the President, well, he has people who can make you disappear or meet with an untimely accident. Given this same choice I don't think there's anyone who would have done it differently."
Congresswoman Proposes Barack Obama Sperm Bank
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) says she will introduce legislation that would establish a federally funded Barack Obama sperm bank in the upcoming "lame duck" session of Congress. She says she got the idea from a similar proposal to establish a Vladimir Putin sperm bank in Russia.
"We can't afford to fall behind in what could turn out to be a critical competition to propagate the seed of the nation's best and brightest," Lee argued. "Granted, it would be decades before the offspring of President Obama's banked sperm could be expected to make a strategic difference, but if we fail to act now we will come up short at a possibly crucial time in the future."
According to Lee, a socially beneficial byproduct of this strategically oriented measure is that "it would give women a better option than shacking up with some lowlife who beats her and steals her welfare money. The President would, of course, still be an absentee father, so the child would qualify for benefits. And if genetics plays true, the child will most likely have a better life than peers sired by criminals and deadbeats."
In related news, Harvard University announced a new course titled "What What in the Butt: Anal Sex 101." A spokesperson for the University explained that "the purpose of this course is to help students learn the facts about this exciting, yet often misunderstood form of pleasure. We take pride in staying ahead of the curve by offering to teach skills that less enlightened institutions shy away from out of fear of criticism."
Elected Black Republicans Called "Traitors to Their Race"
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) neglected to include Rep. Mia Love (R-Utah) and Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) n its post-election congratulations to African-Americans who won their races.
Cornell William Brooks, President and CEO of the NAACP, characterized the election of the Black conservatives as "more of a setback than an advancement for people of color. These two have bought the right wing propaganda that individual achievement, hard work, and honesty are the way a person gets ahead in this world. Unfortunately, every individually successful Black person dilutes our case for slavery reparations."
Brooks predicted that Love and Scott "will join their white oppressors in voting against increases in welfare benefits, against racial set-asides, against reparations, and for the kind of strict law enforcement that has disproportionately sent so many of our brothers to prison. They are traitors to their race."
Rep. Love, who grew up in humble circumstances, cited her father's advice "to never take a hand-out and never be a burden to society as my guiding light in social, economic, and political philosophy." This is a view that Brooks contends "puts her diametrically at odds with the vast majority of African Americans."
Sen. Scott, meanwhile was given an "F" by the NAACP for vowing to "free Black Americans from the trap of dependency that the Democratic Party has lured so many into. The only secure path to a successful life is through personal effort. I will be working toward removing the barriers to this effort erected by Democrats."