SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE, February 22, 2015 Edition
Government Panel Calls for Measures to Upgrade Our Health
The Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee (DGAC) issued a 571 page report outlining its recommendations for transforming Americans' health. Citing persistent high levels of overweight and obesity, the report proposed "strategies across multiple settings, including health care, communities, schools, work sites, and families."
First Lady Michelle Obama hailed the report as "the guiding light toward a healthier and happier America. The notion that individuals can be left on their own to choose what they eat and how much to exercise has proven to be a failure. DGAC's call for 'trained interventionists' to take charge is the right message at the right time."
These "interventions" are expected to include "limiting access to high calorie foods, censoring advertisements for unhealthy choices, and punitive taxes on foods with high sugar or salt content." The DGAC report also urged a shift toward a more vegetarian diet. "While most people have a very negative view of the role Adolf Hitler has played in human history, one thing that is repeatedly overlooked was his dedication to vegetarianism," the report said. "His efforts to set an example that others might follow is an under appreciated aspect of his contribution toward a healthier human race—both in terms of what we put in our bodies and in the positive impact on global climate change that a shift away from meat consumption would accomplish."
"What people ingest is only part of the problem," the First Lady pointed out. "Too many of us camp out in front of the TV and neglect to get enough exercise. We have the means now to track everything people watch and how much time they spend watching it. We can use this information to target individuals needing more external influence over their choices for how they use their leisure time."
The DGAC report characterized personal health as "a human right that the government must guarantee to everyone, whether they want it or not. Individual deviation from healthy choices affects the collective well-being of others. Deterring this deviationism is a crucial step toward a healthier society."
Beheadings in Libya Said to Vindicate Obama's Warning
The Islamic State's claim that the beheading of 21 Egyptian Christians was justified as vengeance for the Crusades was cited by US Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest "as a total vindication of the President's speech at the National Prayer Breakfast two weeks ago."
"That a cycle of violence initiated by Christians centuries ago would come back to haunt practitioners of that faith today should not have been unexpected," Earnest maintained. "The Crusaders killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims. The ISIL reprisals in Libya were modest and restrained in comparison. Once again, the President's wisdom and insight have clarified what others have either failed to see or have attempted to distort."
Earnest also chided those who have lampooned deputy spokesperson for the US Department of State, Marie Harf's suggestion that the long run remedy for dealing with Islamic terrorism is to give them jobs. "Even if we ignore the possibility that a job might remove the incentive for violence, it should be obvious that the hours a person is working for a wage are hours that are unavailable for engaging in jihad," Earnest argued.
Whether the Obama Administration's plan to offer would-be jihadis jobs has any chance of success was thrown into doubt by reports from Uruguay that Gitmo detainees released to that country are refusing to accept employment. Abu Wa'el, one of the former detainees, went on TV to reject the idea that he and his comrades should join the workforce. "We are fighters for Allah," he boasted. "We cannot waste our time laboring like kafirs. In a just world they would be serving us as our price for letting them live."
Wa'el demands that "the Uruguayan government should bear the cost of our upkeep so that we can remain free to work toward the ultimate victory of Islam." President of Uruguay Pepe Mujica is said to be ruing what he thought would be a humanitarian gesture of gaining these men their release from an American prison. "Their evil intent is moderated only by their sloth," Mujica lamented. "I now fear we will never dislodge this wretched refuse from our shores."
In related news, CNN host Carol Costello asserted that "right wing extremists are more dangerous than ISIS. As bad as ISIS might be perceived, there is no risk that they will topple our government. Despite their rhetoric, even they must understand that anyone who would succeed President Obama would be much less sympathetic to their cause. Right wingers, on the other hand, wouldn't think twice about bringing down the Obama Administration. Clearly, they are the greater threat to our government."
Democrat Defends Obama's "Tough Love" for America
In the wake of his questioning of President Obama's love for this country, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is catching flak from Democratic National Committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
"This kind of comment is unwelcome and dangerous," Schultz said. "The President is the most powerful person on the planet. Insulting him like this is tantamount to poking a lion with a stick. What can Giuliani be thinking?"
"What people need to understand is that President Obama is not a 'rah-rah' or 'God bless America' type of patriot," Schultz explained. "He's just the only president to be completely honest about how bad America and its people have been to humanity. This nation's history of slavery and discrimination have forever besmirched its reputation. No Republican would've had the courage to be so honest."
"Neither would any Republican dare to assail the selfishness of the successful as forthrightly as President Obama has," Schultz continued. "Their hesitancy to face the need for the government to seize the superfluous wealth of those lucky enough to have the energy, motivation, and intelligence to thrive in the marketplace is a mark of their cowardice.'
"The President's love for this country is what we call 'tough love,'" Schultz concluded. "He's not afraid to kick our asses and demand that we be better than we want to be. For a slacker like Giuliani to show such disrespect to the President for doing what he has to do to shape us up is horrible."
One American whose ass was kicked in a demonstration of government's "tough love" is 71-year-old Barronelle Stutzman. Stutzman is set to lose her home and life's savings for refusing to sell flowers to a couple for their gay wedding. Benton County Superior Court Judge Alex Ekstrom ruled that "the fact that the couple had no problem obtaining flowers from another vendor doesn't mitigate the fact that she broke the law—which allows for no exceptions due to religious beliefs. The severity of her punishment serves as a deterrent to others who might place their own opinions ahead of the dictates of the statute."
Vice-President Joe Biden praised Ekstrom's ruling saying "it's the kind of bitter medicine we must force down the throats of those who use the Bible as an excuse to defy the government's creation of new human rights for formerly oppressed persons. It is my devout wish that the ruin inflicted on this grandmother, as well as others who espouse this kind of hate, will prompt the obedience the President is trying to instill across the land. Without obedience there can be no fundamental transformation."
Court Ruling Won't Impede Amnesty
U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Texas, Judge Andrew Hanen's ruling against the Obama Administration's unilateral rewriting of the nation's immigration laws has Democrats incensed. Hanen demolished the Administration's contention that President Obama's actions were within his "prosecutorial discretion." "It is within the President's discretion not to prosecute individuals who have broken our laws," the Judge said. "It is not within his discretion to create new laws without Congressional legislation."
Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson vowed to press ahead regardless of the ruling. "The opinion of a single judge in Texas can't overturn the decision of the President to revamp the way this country handles immigration," Johnson decreed. "President Obama was elected by the people to be the sovereign ruler of the United States. Hanen wasn't elected by anyone. The scope of his authority does not entitle him to scrutinize, much less void, the actions taken by the President."
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) predicted that "this court's ruling will be ignored. The immigrants will continue to come and the President will provide them with the papers they need to establish themselves as full citizens. A tidal wave of their votes will sweep all amnesty opponents out of office in 2016."
Mexico's Foreign Minister José Antonio Meade Kuribreña denounced the court ruling calling it "a futile attempt to derail the reconquista. No one will obey it. With the assistance of President Obama, our people will reclaim the lands stolen from Mexico by President Polk and his army in 1848."
In related news, Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) demanded federal legislation that would bar states from requiring voters to be registered. "Voting should be a universal human right," Ellison claimed. "No state should be allowed to restrict any human from exercising this right. The whole process should be simple—every human who shows up at the polls should be given a ballot to cast."