SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE, March 15, 2015 Edition
Obama Admin May Bypass Congress, Seek UN Approval of Iran Deal
This week the Obama Administration has indicated it may bypass Congress and go directly to the United Nations to obtain international approval of its pending agreement with Iran.
US UN Ambassador Samantha Power cited "the traitorous actions of the 47 United States Senators' who attempted to limit the President's authority with that open letter they signed. They made it clear that their loyalty to the President is in question. Their insistence on using the Constitution as a cloak for Congressional interference has forced the Administration to seek an alternate path toward solidifying the agreement."
The "alternate path" would be to obtain the UN's endorsement of the deal. "Once the UN approves the agreement, Congressional participation becomes moot and unnecessary," Power contended. "The US Constitution applies to only one nation. It's authority is superseded by the authority of the United Nations, which is global in scope."
GOP reactions were mixed. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) denounced the idea saying that "The United Nations has no authority whatsoever to bind the United States of America." Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken), though, conceded that "it looks like President Obama may have out maneuvered us again. We'll have no alternative but to appropriate the funds needed to implement the UN-approved treaty."
Over in the House, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) endorsed the UN gambit saying that "the Republicans have only themselves to blame They could've been part of this historic agreement if they had dutifully followed the President's lead. By trying to stake out an independent course they have made themselves irrelevant. Senator McConnell's 11th hour effort to try to grab a piece of the credit by offering to appropriate funds is an exercise in futility. President Obama will appropriate monies as needed via executive action."
Driver's Licenses for Illegals Leads to Abundance of Organ Donors
The California Transplant Donor Network hailed California's policy of granting driver's licenses to persons in the country illegally for boosting organs available for transplant by an estimated 30%.
Marcella Corona, community development liaison for the Transplant Donor Network, cited two factors she felt were "critical components of this good news. Obviously, by putting more drivers on the road there will be more potential crashes resulting in brain-dead victims—the prime source of organs for transplant. But the gains are likely to be even greater than mere numbers portend. On average, the driving skills of people from Latin America are decades behind those of native Americans. This creates a statistic probability there will be a larger ratio of crashes per vehicle-mile of travel. A larger ratio of crashes on a larger base of vehicle-miles means more organs will be available for transplant."
"The demographics of the crashes is also good news for Hispanics waiting for organs," Corona pointed out. "With an increase in the number of persons of similar ethnic origin suffering fatal consequences on the road, the chances for a tissue match will be improved. More Hispanic lives can then be saved by timely transplants."
In related news, migrants from Central America are demanding that the US Government provide safer transportation to the US-Mexican border. "Too many compadres are being hurt or killed hopping la bestia (the name migrants have given the freight trains they ride transiting Mexico)," complained amputee Manuel Obrero. Obrero lost a leg when he fell between the cars of the train. "There needs to be a safer way for us to get here."
The ACLU is reportedly considering filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of Obrero and others injured while making their way to the United States. "By his actions, President Obama, in effect, invited these people to come," said ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. "At the same time, the United States has not done enough to ensure a safe trip. In our view, these people are owed damages under the 'attractive nuisance' doctrine."
Obama Administration Asks Appeals Court to Void Injunction
Lawyers for the Obama Administration filed suit in the New Orleans-based 5th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals, asking it to overturn federal Judge Andrew Hanen's injunction prohibiting further executive action granting additional rights and privileges to amnestied illegal aliens.
"Judge Hanen's order is unprecedented and wrong," claimed Administration attorney Abby Lyon. "First of all, a mere district court judge lacks the standing to impede a policy ordered by the President of the United States," Lyon said. "Second, Judge Hanen was appointed by former President Bush, who is no longer this country's reigning chief executive. Consequently, Hanen has no mandate to interfere with the actions of the President."
A further aggravating factor, according to Lyon, is that "Hanen's ruling came in response to a petition by 26 states that objected to the President's executive grant of rights to these previously undocumented Americans. The determination of who is and isn't entitled to the rights and privileges of Americans is a federal, not a state matter. Thus, these states lack standing to appeal any actions taken by the federal government."
In related news, the White House has refused to respond to Sen. James Lankford's (R-OK) inquiry regarding President Obama's threat to inflict "consequences on federal employees who heed Hanen's injunction and continue to enforce immigration laws in contravention of my wishes." Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that "the President is too busy ruling this country to have time to answer criticisms from his political enemies."
Kerry Says Admin Won't Destroy ISIL
Secretary of State John Kerry boasted that "we have the capacity to knock out ISIL, but we're not going to do it. Eliminating these murderous thugs is not part of the President's vision for the transformation of America."
By way of explanation, Kerry pointed out that "in the movies, Lex Luthor is a vile criminal, yet Superman never kills him. Why? It's because there needs to be a balance between good and evil. The same thing can be said for how we respond to ISIL. Wiping them out risks upsetting the balance between good and evil. We need them as much as they need us to continue the cosmic battle between contending forces that we call 'history.'"
Kerry contrasted the "simplistic call for victory over terrorism to the President's more nuanced understanding. Those who have been paying attention will note that President Obama repeatedly calls for 'degrading ISIL's capabilities.' He hasn't called for their defeat or annihilation. He has the sophistication to grasp the truth that eludes his critics—evil will never be vanquished. It's a fundamental part of the human condition. All we can do is try to weaken it, contain it, and learn to live with it."
Feds Fund "Diet Choker" Technology
With the aid of a $148,000 federal grant, engineers at the University of California Los Angeles (UCLA) have developed what they call a "diet choker." The device is a necklace that detects what and when a person is eating. This information is then communicated by phone.
Lead researcher Majid Sarrafzadeh called the device "a breakthrough for healthy eating. If it detects excessive quantities are consumed or poor food choices are made it can be programmed to call the person's cell phone to remind them that their choice is an unhealthy one."
"If individuals prove insufficiently motivated to alter their behavior with this reminder, the device can also be programmed to alert a dietary enforcement authority," Sarrafzadeh said. "That way, if the individual's will power is weak, external intervention can be introduced to control what is eaten. The end result will be a happier and healthier America."
First Lady Michelle Obama lauded the invention as "ingenious. We've been trying to educate people on the proper way to eat, but this choker offers a much more robust interface between dietary experts and individual consumers. If the device could be programmed to give real time feedback—say a mild electric shock when inappropriate foods or gluttonous quantities are ingested—we'll have a powerful new weapon against obesity."
Social Security Rolls Show 6.5 Million Centenarians
Although the worldwide population of persons older than 112 years of age is estimated to be only three dozen, an investigation by the Inspector General revealed that the Social Security Administration (SSA) has active accounts for 6.5 million persons over that age.
Obviously, there aren't really 6.5 million persons that old living in America. Obviously, many recipients who have been long dead are regularly mailed benefits checks by SSA. Obviously, millions of identities have been stolen and are being used to rack up potential benefits.
Sens. Ron Johnson (R-Wis) and Tom Carper (D-Del), who head the Senate committee that oversees the Social Security Administration, called the IG's findings "incredible" and "a serious problem."
Acting Commissioner Carolyn Colvin rejected the IG's recommendation that her agency make efforts to correct its records saying that "the recommendation would create a significant manual and labor-intensive workload and provide no benefit to the administration of our programs. Our philosophy is that it is better to allow a thousand ineligible payments than to deny one that is rightfully owed. President Obama has been consulted and has confirmed this approach. We see no need to change course."