SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE, March 22, 2015 Edition
Obama Exempts White House from Freedom of Information Act
Contending that "constant prying by the enemies of this Administration are impeding my ability to smoothly rule this country," President Obama issued a decree exempting the White House Office of Administration from further compliance with the requirements of the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA).
Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) spokesperson Anne Weismann characterized the move as "completely out of step with the President's supposed commitment to transparency."
Office of Administration Director Beth Jones defended the move as "a necessary precaution against information falling into the wrong hands. This country is at war with reactionary elements who wouldn't hesitate to abuse the freedom the law allows to embarrass and discredit the Administration. Well, President Obama isn't about to let these rogue elements have free rein to scrutinize the inner workings of the government."
Jones denied that the cancellation of access for persons to hostile to the President contradicts his pledge of transparency. "The windows on a home are transparent, but the owners are well-advised to draw the blinds to prevent peeping Toms from invading their privacy," Jones asserted. "All we are doing here is drawing the blinds. The President's friends will still be able to enjoy whatever access he deems necessary to their roles in defense of his policies."
The Obama Administration has been the most aggressive in US history in its efforts to clamp down on information about what's going on behind closed doors. It has prosecuted more whistle blowers and sentenced them to longer prison terms than all other presidents combined. This latest move is merely another example of its determination to conduct its business outside the view of the voters.
In related news, the Department of Justice rebuffed a subpoena for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's emails on the grounds that "mere suspicion that the Secretary may have used her private server as a means of concealing what she was doing is not proof. Until we see proof that she actually concealed something via this stratagem we see no need to pry into her affairs."
WV Governor Vetoes Gun Bill
West Virginia's Democratic Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have broadened the scope of concealed carry of guns by law-abiding citizens.
"The notion that the citizen is the best line of defense against crimes against himself is one I can't support," Tomblin said. "Citizens aren't properly trained. Allowing them to arm themselves only complicates matters for legitimate law enforcement personnel. If both the perps and their victims are armed how will the police know who to shoot when they arrive on the scene?"
The Governor also expressed skepticism about the adage "that when seconds count, the police are only minutes away." "The idea that deadly force is a victim's best option is one I reject," Tomblin said. "An armed victim will be tempted to start a gun fight. An unarmed victim will be forced to seek a nonviolent solution to his predicament. If the perp's objective is robbery wouldn't it be simpler and safer to just surrender your wallet? If the perp's objective is rape, well that takes time and may give the police the chance to intervene before it can be fully consummated."
The National Rifle Association is reportedly reconsidering how it vets candidates it supports in elections. "We backed this guy," rued an NRA official requesting anonymity. "We need to do a better job of evaluating the views and intentions of candidates before we give our endorsement or financial support."
Obama Threatens Israel
Stung by Israeli voters' rejection of his wishes by their reelection of Prime Minister Netanyahu, US President Barack Obama ominously warned that he is weighing a change to America's long-standing alliance with the Jewish state.
"Israel is the 'odd man out' in the Middle East," Obama told Netanyahu in a post-election phone call. "Six million Jews are pitted against a billion Muslims. Based on democratic principles of majority rule, I don't see how we can continue to side with a tiny minority against the wishes of the vast majority who would like to see Israel eliminated."
"Maintaining an island of Jews in the midst of a sea of Muslims is a precarious endeavor," Obama pointed out. "Life would be simpler and less contentious if Israel didn't exist. For the sake of humanity I've got to reassess whether America's continued efforts to resist Muslim desires to annihilate Israel are worth it."
"Standing aside while a tide of Muslim forces washes over Israel is a low-risk, low-cost option that I've got to consider given recent events," Obama reminded Netanyahu. "Of course, this need not happen if you can bring your views into line with my vision for world peace. Surely, paying the jizya and submitting to Islam has to be less burdensome than trying to defend yourselves against so many enemies."
ICE Releases Another 30,000 Illegal Alien Criminals
US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced that during 2014 it released another 30,000 illegal aliens with criminal records. This follows the 36,000 it released in 2013. The crimes for which these persons were responsible include homicide, sexual assault, kidnapping, aggravated assault and more than 16,000 incidents of drunk or drugged driving. The released individuals are now free to move about the country.
In testimony before Congress, ICE Director Sarah Saldana characterized this action as "the best option we had available to us given the parameters established by President Obama. Is putting criminals back on the street bad? Yes, but what else could we do? If we deported them they'd just be roaming the streets of Mexico or some other Latin American nation."
"The people of Latin America have already suffered enough," Saldana argued. "Their lives are marked by profound poverty leading to malnutrition, illness, and shortened lives. Rather than further intensify this suffering, it is the President's view that our more prosperous society can more easily bear the burden of coping with these criminal elements. We have many government programs providing sustenance for those residing in the United States. We have free medical care for those unable to afford it. And most Americans have better means to protect themselves against crime. They can insure their valuables, install burglar alarms, and can carry concealed weapons—something no Latin American government permits."
"It should be obvious that global welfare will, on balance, be greater if the United States absorbs more of the depredations inflicted by the criminals in the population than if we selfishly try to isolate ourselves from the migration of underprivileged peoples seeking a fairer allocation of humanity's collective wealth," she concluded.
In related news, Democrats on the Senate Budget Committee blocked legislation that would prevent illegal immigrants from collecting billion of dollars in refundable tax credits to which they are not legally entitled. Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich) contested the idea that these illegal payments might be wrong. "A more important question than whether these payments are or aren't illegal is whether they are needed," Stabenow declared. "Illegal immigrants are among the poorest of our citizens. Their moral claim on this money should override any persnickety concerns about legality."
Democrats Torpedo Human Trafficking Bill
Legislation aimed at deterring human trafficking (kidnapping people and selling them into slavery—especially as prostitutes) was stifled by a Democratic filibuster in the US Senate this week. The offending clause in the bill, as Democrats see it, is language that would bar federal funds being used to fund abortions.
Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) explained that "inasmuch as unwanted pregnancy is an even worse fate than being sold as a sex slave we cannot abide placing any limits on a woman's right to an abortion. A sex slave merely has to endure occasional interludes of undesired intercourse. A woman denied an abortion is forced to carry another human being inside her body for nine months—bearing all the risks and consequences, such as stretch marks that will disfigure her for the rest of her life."
GOP Urged Not to Lose Sleep Over Possible Executive Tax Hikes
Press Secretary Josh Earnest advised Republicans "not to lose any sleep over the President using his executive power to raise taxes. First, it hasn't happened yet. So why fret about something that may not occur?"
"Second, and even more important, if the President does decide to raise taxes there's nothing anybody can do to stop him," Earnest added. "The Internal Revenue Service is subordinate to his authority. If he orders them to increase the government's take from taxpayers they will unhesitatingly obey. They most certainly won't be swayed by anything any member of Congress or the courts might say or do in opposition."
In related news, prospective presidential candidate Hillary Clinton suggested that "it may be worthwhile for us to look into the possibility of establishing reeducation camps where the nation's political leaders could be trained to cooperate for the good of the whole. Right now, too much energy goes into fruitless partisan wrangling over policies instead of into efforts to implement them."