SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 3, 2015 Edition
Justice Suggests Allowing Gay Marriage May Not Go Far Enough
In oral arguments over whether states should be compelled to recognize gay marriages, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wondered "whether merely permitting gays to marry would be sufficient. The universe of homosexuals is fairly narrow. Why should they be shut out from the larger pool of heterosexuals as potential mates?"
"How is a person rebuffing the marital advances of a person of the same sex any different from a baker refusing to cater a gay wedding?" Sotomayor asked. "Both are based on prejudicial attitudes towards different lifestyles. Doesn't government have an obligation to ensure that one person's rejection of another's proposal isn't solely based on an unfounded objection to wedding a person of the same sex?"
While Sotomayor stopped short of suggesting that a person could be legally required to marry a person of the same sex, she averred that "there could be grounds for the payment of monetary damages if the rejection of the proposal were to be based only on the fact that the proposer was of the same sex. Such a rejection would insult the dignity of the proposer and cause mental anguish. Under our jurisprudence, actions which inflict mental anguish on another person are grounds for compensation."
In related news, Obama Administration Solicitor General Donald Verrilli contends that a Supreme Court ruling forcing states to recognize gay marriages would effectively eliminate religious institutions' tax exemption. "A mandate saying that every state must recognize same-sex marriages would convert the issue from one of religious tenets to one of political rights," Verrilli argued. "Any further church statements or practices after such a ruling would be political rather than theological. Political activities, unlike religious activities, are not qualified for tax-exemption."
Filmmaker Demands Police Be Disarmed
Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore issued a statement demanding that police officers in America be barred from carrying firearms and that all imprisoned African Americans be released.
Moore says he sees this "as a long term balancing of the scales. For hundreds of years in this country Blacks were enslaved and at the mercy of white overlords. Cosmic justice cries out for a reversal of this tyranny of white over Black. Let's see how the white man fares under racial oppression."
The looting of white-owned businesses in Baltimore was characterized by Moore as "long overdue reparations for slavery" and the random beatings of whites as "no worse than the routine whippings meted out to slaves by white masters. Why shouldn't whites have a taste of the brutality and fear that Blacks had to endure."
The filmmaker said that he, personally, will continue to employ armed bodyguards because "I have never been a slave owner and bear no moral culpability for the abuses dished out by whites to Blacks. I have an absolute right to protect myself. All of my bodyguards are professionally trained and licensed. In no way can they be compared to the amateurs who assert their so-called right to bear arms."
President Censors Film Coverage of Outing
President Barack Obama's surprise visit to the Teaism Cafe near the White House inspired Time Magazine reporter Zeke Miller to video tape the event. However, the President didn't want to be taped and ordered Miller to put away his camera. Miller meekly complied.
Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that "certainly, as the most powerful man on the planet, President Obama has the right to decide which of his activities will or won't be recorded. He is under no obligation to permit random observations and disclosures of his activities if it doesn't please him to do so."
A disappointed Miller rued a lost opportunity, but defended the waiving of his press freedom as "an act of self-preservation. The President can have people audited, harassed, or even killed if he wants. Ignoring his wishes in order to record a few minutes of innocuous interaction with cafe customers just didn't seem worth the risk."
Baltimore Mayor Apologizes for Calling Rioters "Thugs"
Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, whose infamous order to police to "give protestors space to destroy," sheepishly apologized to residents who participated in looting stores, burning buildings, and assaulting passersby for using the term "thugs" to describe their behavior.
"My use of the word 'thugs' implied that these people were engaged in criminal acts," she said. "I have since been informed that stealing toilet paper, trashing the businesses of owners who had nothing to do with the death of Mr. Gray, and beating up white people foolish enough to venture into the streets were acts of righteous rage."
The Mayor maintained that "my first instinct to allow people to vent their anger as they saw fit was the correct one. While it may be true that none of the individual victims of the rioting were directly responsible for the crowd's rage, by being white alone, they were collectively guilty for centuries of Black oppression. I should not have besmirched those who showed the initiative to go outside the customary constraints concocted by white civilization by using racially derogatory terms like 'thug' or 'criminal.' That I did shows that even those of us most advanced members of the government can be brainwashed by social norms we ought to reject."
In related news, President Obama justified his refusal to visit riot-torn Baltimore because "to do so would endorse the idea that the City is in crisis when all we're really seeing is a rough implementation of a redistribution of wealth that has been long overdue."
Hillary Calls for Restoring Faith in Government
Former Secretary of State and current candidate for president Hillary Clinton bemoaned "the erosion of people's faith in government" and alleged that "it undermines the ability of those of us who are trying to lead."
Clinton brushed aside widely perceived impressions that government has done a bad job by pointing out the early history of Christianity's failures. "Jesus' performance compares quite unfavorably with what modern government has been able to deliver," she said. "His people—the Christians—faced centuries of persecution. They were crucified. They were torn apart and devoured by wild animals for the amusement of spectators in the arenas of Rome and elsewhere."
"Contrast that with what modern government has done for its people," Clinton advised. "We've given people the means to survive—subsidized housing, subsidized food. Why, today a single mother with two children qualifies for $35,000 in government benefits. No one is crucified. No one is thrown to the lions. Government has delivered the goods. It should have more than earned the faith of the people."
"The fact that all these government benefits can be had without the burdens of toil demonstrates who the true miracle worker is," Clinton concluded. "I only hope that voters realize this when they go to the polls."
In related news, Clinton denounced what she called "an undeniable pattern in police-involved deaths" and called for "a more racially balanced distribution of persons shot by police. It is unacceptable that the ratio of African-American victims of police violence exceeds their proportion of the population. Redressing this imbalance is going to be a top priority of my administration when I'm elected president."
Kerry Wishes US Had Its Own Ayatollah
Admitting that he's feeling some frustration over possible Congressional interference with the agreement with Iran that he's been working on for most of this year, Secretary of State John Kerry avowed that "it would be a lot easier if we had our own Ayatollah—someone whose say so was the final word."
"It's an uneven playing field," Kerry complained. "Iran's supreme leader can just issue an edict and everyone in the Iranian government has to go along. President Obama doesn't have this luxury. He can issue an edict, but still has to put up with the possibility that Congress will tamper with it by trying to amend the terms or restrict the appropriations that may be necessary to implement it."
"Archaic procedures initiated over 200 years ago inserted multiple levels of authority into the US Constitution," Kerry observed. "These checks on the President's authority make our government less efficient. Rather than enabling one person to smoothly set the course for our nation's policies, multiple contending, and sometimes disagreeable voices are allowed to have a say on matters of the utmost delicacy."
The Secretary held out the hope that "President Obama may proceed on his own authority as sovereign" and that "Congress will not complicate the issue by insisting on cumbersome procedures that are, quite frankly, an unnecessary bother in our fast-moving world."
In related news, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) assured President Obama that "I am doing my best to stifle unwanted Congressional interference with the Iranian negotiations, but I cannot guarantee success. Perhaps someone from the FBI or IRS could contact some of the Senate's less pliant members and persuade them of the importance of supporting our joint efforts."
Jeb Bush Contends He Is "a Latino Trapped Inside an Anglo Body"
In a speech in Puerto Rico, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R) told the audience that "I am a Latino trapped inside an Anglo body." Bush lamented that "there is no ethnic reassignment protocol like there is gender reassignment therapy for a woman trapped inside a man's body. Nevertheless, I feel as if I am an illegal immigrant and want to do what I can to secure the rights of all my compatriots to enjoy the fruits of US citizenship."
Gay Hotelier Apologizes for Listening to Senator Cruz
Ian Reisner, one of the two gay hoteliers who invited presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex) to speak at a private party, has, after threats from the gay lobby to destroy his business, apologized for his "insensitivity."
"I had mistakenly believed that my sexual orientation was not the sum total of who I am," Reisner said. "I had delusions that I could entertain other beliefs about politics that had nothing to do with gay rights. But I have been told that listening to Senator Cruz is akin to listening to Satan. It cannot be permitted. It can only lead me into deviation from the correct way of thinking."
There is no assurance that Reisner's apology will give him any respite from the LGBT lobby. Horace Hindman, spokesman for Men Who Love Men, asserted that "consorting with Cruz is no minor transgression. Reisner has cast serious doubt on his bonafides as a true member of the gay community. Whether he can ever be forgiven remains to be seen."