SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 30, 2015 Edition
EPA to Defy Judge
Judge Ralph Erickson of the District Court for the District of North Dakota granted plaintiffs an injunction against the Environmental Protection Agency's implementation of new navigable waterways regulations that were set for immediate enforcement. The EPA's new regulations would have extended its authority over every body of water within the United States including rain runoff, temporary puddles, and spillage from yard sprinklers and driveways where home owners wash their vehicles.
The Judge observed that "it seems extremely improbable that the proposed EPA authority could conceivably apply to the so-called 'navigable waterways' described. As such, the 13 states suing the EPA would appear likely to win based on the merits of the case. An injunction pending the outcome of their suit is the best means for limiting the damages that taxpayers will be forced to pay if the regulations are permitted to go forward."
EPA Press Secretary Melissa Harrison said the Agency "will go forward with implementation in the 44 states that are not covered by Erickson's decision. The Administration disagrees with the presumption that the plaintiffs will win their suit." As evidence, Harrison cited Judge Lisa Godbey Wood of the District Court for the Southern District of Georgia's rejection of a plea for an injunction in a suit filed by 11 other states.
"What we have here is one judge attempting to impede a policy decreed by the leader of the free world," she asserted. "Surely, the scales of justice will tip toward the greater weight represented by President Obama and the majority of judges who have accepted his rule. I mean, is there really any doubt that the US Supreme Court will eventually uphold this regulation? They've upheld every other major policy innovation he's backed."
Clinton Likens Planned Parenthood Critics to Terrorists
Seeking to divert attention from her admittedly unwise and likely illegal handling of classified material through her unsecured private email account, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton sought to draw a parallel between advocates of defunding Planned Parenthood and Islamic terrorists.
"Both groups relegate women to second class status," Clinton claimed. "Both deny women the right to control their reproductive heath. Both would force women to be vessels for carrying unwanted children into the world. Both espouse out-of-date ideas about how the world should work."
GOP presidential contender Sen. Marco Rubio (Fla) characterized Clinton's claims "as twisted and malevolent an inversion of morality as we are likely to see from a purportedly sane person. Islamic terrorists are cutting off the heads of those who oppose their barbarism. Planned Parenthood is cutting off the heads of children and selling them as raw material for medical research. Lumping those who want to stop taxpayer funding of Planned Parenthood's diabolical profiteering from the murder and dismemberment of innocent babies with Islamic murderers is as evil a slander as any ever perpetrated by the Nazis."
Unfazed by Rubio's counter, Clinton pointed out that "all of the babies aborted are unwanted. Planned Parenthood is merely aiding both the women who don't want them and the babies themselves to avoid a life of burdens and suffering. Defraying some of the costs of this noble endeavor by recovering and selling parts that otherwise would simply be trashed helps reduce the amount of public funds we must appropriate for the organization to carry on this vital work."
In related news, Planned Parenthood announced that a study it commissioned exonerated the organization from all charges of wrongdoing related to the videos revealing some of its chief officials discussing the sale of baby parts. "In none of these videos do we see any money changing hands," Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, said. "What we see is the Center for Medical Progress getting Planned Parenthood personnel drunk and eliciting giggling boasts about some of the humorous aspects of the business. While some might find such behavior distasteful, both our attorneys and representatives from the US Attorney General's office have assured me that it is not criminal."
Boehner Warns GOP Voters Against Cruz
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) warned voters against falling for GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz's "siren song of feel-good, but politically unviable policy prescriptions." Boehner's remarks came at a Colorado fund-raising event.
"Securing the border, defunding Planned Parenthood, killing the deal with Iran may sound good to unsophisticated ears, but they aren't going to go anywhere," Boehner told wealthy donors. "President Obama is going to block all of these notions. If we follow Cruz we get nothing. If we go along with the President we stand a chance of getting a piece of the action."
The "piece of the action" Boehner is so keen to hold onto includes "ensuring that important Republican constituencies get a share of government spending thrown their way. The federal government buys lots of stuff. Seeing that it buys some of this stuff from our donors is our responsibility Sacrificing this potential cash flow for the sake of futile challenges to the President's agenda is foolish. Cruz is a jackass for pushing them."
Administration Makes End Run Around 2nd Amendment
In a move said to side-step Constitutional impediments to reasonable gun control, US Secretary of State John Kerry signed on to a UN agreement establishing an international gun registry and controls over the sale and transport of "small arms."
"Every sensible effort to restrict access to guns in the United States has been blocked by court rulings citing the Second Amendment's 'right to bear arms,'" Kerry complained. "Well, the US Constitution doesn't apply to the UN. It is not fettered by the kind of out-of-date notions that stymie policy in this country."
"While the gun extremists at the NRA may not be satisfied, the agreement will allow individuals to own and use guns for legitimate purposes," Kerry reassured. "Duck hunters can keep their shot guns. Elk hunters can keep their rifles. Professional bodyguards can keep their pistols. But the availability of access to firearms for use in domestic murders or by self-styled militias and vigilantes will be sharply curtailed."
Kerry dismissed possible Senate opposition as "a non-issue. The Senate only has jurisdiction over treaties. This is not a treaty. It is an agreement among sovereigns. President Obama, as the sovereign of the United States has the absolute right to make this agreement and commit this country to abide by its provisions."
Congresswoman Calls Fetal Parts Sales Humane and Life-Saving
Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) waded into the Planned Parenthood controversy and insisted that carving up the unborn for spare parts is both "humane and life-saving."
"First of all, what could be more humane than putting these unwanted creatures out of their misery?" the Congresswoman wondered. Saying that "I doubt that fetuses could feel pain, but even if they could the momentary pain of a medical instrument slicing the spinal cord has got to be far less painful than a lifetime of poverty and abuse as an unwanted child."
"Second, given that the law grants a woman the unrestricted right to terminate her pregnancy, doesn't it make sense to try to salvage the residue?" Wasserman-Schultz asked. "I have heard that a company in California transplants salvaged fetal kidneys and implants them in rats where they can be grown and later used as a transplant for someone. Those heaping criticism on Planned Parenthood never mention this life-saving repurposing of recovered biological material."
In related news, Planned Parenthood is suing the State of Louisiana for terminating its taxpayer-funded subsidies. Planned Parenthood official Cecile Richards called the State's action "an illegal usurpation of President Obama's authority to determine how government funds are to be used. The federal government gives Louisiana money earmarked for Planned Parenthood. The State has no right to refuse and return it to taxpayers."
Obama Accuses Jeter of Cheating
President Barack Obama leveled cheating charges against former Yankee great Derek Jeter as the athlete easily beat him in a round of golf.
Press Secretary Josh Earnest alleged that "the President's prowess has been borne out in hundreds of rounds over the past six years where he has gone undefeated against every prior opponent. How likely is it that Jeter would be the only person to win against him?"
Earnest brushed aside the possibility that a skilled professional athlete of Jeter's caliber might have genuinely been a better golfer. "Let me point out that the President has more hours of golf under his belt than Mr. Jeter has," Earnest argued. "Mr. Jeter was a baseball player. Any contention that skills that might have worked for him in that sport could somehow translate into golf skills sufficient to best the President seems dubious."
Jeb Slams Asian Immigration
Hectored by Latino illegal immigrants for using the term "anchor baby," GOP presidential candidate former Florida governor Jeb Bush contended that he was referring to Asian immigrants.
"China and India are the real threat," Bush maintained. "There are over a billion of each of them. That's enough to totally overwhelm the 300 million Americans living in this country. There are only 125 million Mexicans. Even if every one of them migrated to the United States we'd still outnumber them by a wide margin."
The candidate went on to outline what he called "a strong plan to interdict illegal Asian immigration using the vast size of the Pacific Ocean as our first line of defense. Unlike Mexicans they can't simply walk into this country unless they go to Mexico first. But I will work with the government of Mexico on a joint operation to prevent Asians from using this route. Those flying or sailing to the United States will, of course, be intercepted at the airports and seaports."
Bush hastened to remind reporters that "so far I'm the only candidate with a plan targeting this threat. Asians are worse because they come here to take our high-paying jobs. Most of the Mexicans who come here take jobs mowing lawns and cleaning homes—saving many middle class families from having to do these chores."